“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WORLDVIEW

 Hello, for those of you who are new here, my name is Marina Crane and today I’ll be drawing on stories from my life about government involvement and mental health resources in relation to Nathan Chasing Horse. I’d like to begin by offering a trigger warning for survivors of residential school and the survivors of Nathan Chasing Horse, this content might include graphic references to topics such as sexual abuse, self-harm, and violence and may be traumatizing or re-traumatizing for some listeners. I’d also like to preface this and say that all the names throughout have been changed for the privacy and confidentiality of those involved. If you are impacted by this content, please reach out to your personal support group (family and friends) or any local support groups that can help you process your thoughts and emotions. You are not alone, and you are cared for. 

With that being said, let us begin. 

 I’m so grateful for my community and the network of people I’ve built up over my lifetime. As my cousin, my brother says to me. “Our traditional Indigenous communities take care of themselves.” Throughout these decades this community has taken care of itself. 

My goal for this blog is that I hope other First Nation communities, Urban Centers and Indigenous Peoples can learn from the experience my community has gone through. While listening please take this time to be reflective, most of the people I will speak of were children when I started this blog. Reflect on them evolving, helping their community, knowing what they know about systemic racism and the thousands of unmarked graves of our ancestors. Our communities are living breathing organisms evolving through the prayers of our ancestors and our own.  Making good relatives is extending one’s compassion for each other. 

My cousin, my friend, and my sister said to me: ‘I hope you are feeling better tonight, maybe we can go out for a drive tomorrow or do something because you are always stuck inside. It isn’t good for anyone to talk to those ‘white trashy people’ who only go to you and help so that they may be noticed and get a pat on the back for helping someone “in need”, without caring about your needs or feelings after that one good deed is done.’  When she says ‘white trashy people’ she is referring to Annabel (first), Jared (second) & Lisa (third)) who were all psychotherapists.

You might be wondering why I mentioned this story. For decades therapists (both Indigenous & non-Indigenous) report back to Canada’s non-insured health benefits program. The government knew about the mental health crisis of Indigenous youth. One would think the government would take all this money spent paying therapists, over the decades to build a mental health center for Indigenous children & teens led by Indigenous Peoples based on our ways of knowing. 

Over ten teenage girls needed help seventeen years ago. Their moms were so desperate for solutions. Then, Nathan comes into our community selling his ‘snake oil’, full of promises and dreams. Imagine if you can, the hope, they (the moms, and their daughters) felt once they came out of those ‘ceremonies.’ Some of our Indigenous men immediately wanted what Nathan had. As a result, nobody questioned his credentials because everyone wanted something from him. Understand this, non-insured health benefits also pay traditional healers like Nathan. If he were Canadian, they would have paid him for his services.

This was all happening at a time when Indian residential school survivors were disclosing their traumatic childhood experiences with Truth & Reconciliation adjudicators. Survivors did not trust white therapists or any white-run institution. As Indigenous workers gathered survivors, they also created a list of first nation medicine people. A lot of these healers had community support, and protection while also having histories of violating Indigenous girls & women. Through the creation of this list, many traditional healers were caught sexually interfering with children, although this was not its primary purpose. First Nation communities knew the government was paying traditional healers. They knew where they could report any abuse, so why was it and is it so underreported? 

Today, there are improvements; however, there is still no financial obligation towards establishing a healing center for Indigenous children and Indigenous teenagers. The government’s solution is to continue apprehending them and placing them into a foster care system as they did for many Indigenous youth. Decades ago, prior to my uncle’s death, he told me, “The government created these problems, now lets them solve them!” Intergenerational trauma is the symptom of incarcerating babies and children into Indian residential schools to assimilate and ‘kill the Indian’ in us by any means necessary. My grandmother was not raised by her parents, nor were my parents. I write this knowing the legacy I leave behind. I am the first generation raised by both parents, raised by my grandparents, aunties, and uncles. As my cousin said our traditional Indigenous communities take care of themselves.

Let’s go back to Annabel, Jared, and Lisa for a moment, each of them was paid for decades counseling survivors in their private practices. Lisa sat witnessing over 350 stories during the adjudication process for Indian residential school survivors and applied for grants using their credentials as a psychotherapist with Indigenous knowledge skills. Jared participated in ‘pipe ceremonies’ a spiritual practice his white friend conducted. He also attended ceremonial sweats amongst the Blackfeet of the Treaty Seven area and disclosed confidential details about a former high-profile Indigenous Tsuu Tina client. Jared like many mental health care practitioners used his connection to Indigenous ways of knowing for his own personal gain. Annabel is just as guilty of similar cultural appropriation. 

What sickened me the most about Annabel was that she was my late sister-in-law’s psychotherapist, assisting her in getting her daughter Chelsea out of the foster care system in Vancouver. Annabel was the first person I confided in moments after Chelsea told me Nathan had sex with her. I went to her hoping she would be there for me once I called the police. Instead, she wanted to hear Nathan’s side of the story. She spent an hour talking with Nathan. Finally concluding Nathan was in a child’s sexual fantasy. When I reflect, it still makes me angry. She was more concerned about learning cultural practices from Nathan. Culturally appropriating what she could use as a psychotherapist gaining more cultural competency at Chelsea’s expense. 

This is what angers me about these three individuals. This is what my cousin refers to as ‘white trashy people.’ Hurting my niece rather than seeing Nathan for what he was and is, they wanted to be a part of this ‘spiritual phenomenon,’ around Nathan. They saw how happy people were. They wanted the benefits of what Nathan had. This need to become an Indigenized mental health professional was rapidly becoming a big money maker. Later in the same year, Annabel counseled a second victim of Nathan’s. This child came to her after Chelsea revealed what had happened to her, Annabel didn’t believe either of us or thought Chelsea was lying to get attention. I wonder if she finally believes me about Nathan now.  After talking to Lisa in a therapeutic setting about my sister’s health, she started gaslighting, manipulating, and leading me to second-guess everything, even as basic as scheduling issues. She did everything not to lose me as a client, but she did and has. There are so many stories like mine across Turtle Island. 

There was an investigative journalist, we will call him Cody. He said there was one Indigenous mental health practitioner who used Nathan in their clinic and was a devoted follower of Nathan’s until two years ago. Cody said he did not mention this person in his article. While there are ‘White trashy people’ there are also ‘red trashy people,’ who are still loyal to Nathan. To the investigative journalists, thank you again, I take you both as genuine allies and not ‘white trashy people’. With support from people like you who are a part of my network, I finally feel heard and seen. I have shared what I have gone through with my network that stems across the globe. I am not alone or lonely. There are so many human beings who love me. I struggle. I reach out. I survive and continue trying to be happy & healthy. I am still amazed that Nathan’s first arrest in January triggered in me all these raw and visceral emotions. Emotions that surface each time an Indigenous woman reached out to me for support and guidance. Many of these emotions I knowingly and unknowingly carried with me over the past seventeen years.

 

 The following is my personal reflection after being interviewed.

I never thought it would impact the decisions I’ve made for my personal life moving forward. I had this epiphany. I got so upset! It is a sad reality. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, as I’ve had long discussions with mental health workers, not all in a therapeutic community, but rather as acquaintances. As you are reading this, I'd like you to understand what I’ve gone through these past couple of months since the arrest of Nathan Chasing Horse. It's a bit of a phenomena or an existential crisis of sorts. For some historical reasoning that I kept as a ‘self-defeating thought,’ feeding it endlessly it seemed. I doubted myself. I doubted my words. I doubted my work in the sense of seeing work as being physical rather than mental. I was documenting within this blog. Through the decades, I even doubted whether my purpose in writing had reached anybody. Sometimes, I asked other Indigenous women whether this blog had reached anyone and was surprised to hear that these stories were being read by young Indigenous girls who had their own epiphany. Disclosing to their mom that Nathan sexually abused them. I thought about stopping many times, and if not for the encouragement of other Indigenous women, I would have. Here the existential crisis for me was finally seeing what I did not see or simply did not want to see what others saw in me.

 

For a moment let us imagine a Swan; They are born ugly delicate creatures, completely dependent on their mother for survival. It would appear there to be nothing beautiful about these birds, so kill them, eat them, then they are gone; however, nurture them, love them, appreciate them and they will flourish into beautiful, majestic creatures. The existential crisis is this creature. We are all creatures, at some point, we were all little Rugrats, who after a heavy rainfall swam in pools of dirty water the storm left behind, but we move forward, fighting and healing from our childhood trauma with the love, appreciation, and nurturance from our caretakers and peers. 

 

Now let’s briefly discuss my psychological history, to put my existential crisis into perspective for you, my listeners. I’ve studied psychology. I worked with high-risk teenage girls, in the United States. By this I mean they had attempted suicide so many times that they were ordered by the courts or voluntarily admitted into protective care. Previously, I worked seasonally as a youth counselor in northern communities of Alberta, Canada. My work took me deep within myself, as most of my client’s experiences were like my own childhood trauma. I was in my youth and didn’t know what inter-generational trauma was or the extent of abuse my grandparents, parents & my siblings went through in Indian Residential Schools. I just knew from the psychology courses I took that I needed to see a therapist. So, throughout most of my life, I’ve been co-dependent on therapists or mental health workers as my guardian angels, spirit guides, gurus, and confidants. Yes, I said co-dependent because I allowed them to enable me and use me in ways I didn’t see yet.

I don’t know why I didn’t feel I had the confidence. Maybe, I was too naïve about my own empowerment of lived experiences. In these past few months, I’ve received a huge amount of attention. I mean huge. Now I see it was mostly, a lack of trust for people in positions of power, white supremacy power, or better yet a lack of understanding of what spiritual activism meant within the ideology of white supremacy. I was too busy overthinking things and not allowing myself to step back to see the bigger picture. 

A little more background of my relationship with mental health workers throughout the past decades to give you a clear understanding of how I've come to this point in my life. Whether or not these acquaintances want to acknowledge their actions toward me is irrelevant because I know who I am and my truth.

There are three non-Indigenous individuals who played a major part in the past 20-30 years; two were acquaintances and one was my therapist. Susan (Acquaintance one), originally practiced within the City of Vancouver until moving into Tsuu Tina, my home community. She was in a relationship with a family member. She had a previous relationship as a therapist with my late sister-in-law. Their relationship was close enough that she helped find my sister-in-law’s daughter, Chelsea. She reported the sexual abuse Chelsea experienced in the various foster homes and had lived in since she was two years old. It’s important to understand the amount of information Susan had on Chelsea as it plays into her judging her disclosures. 

Jared, a person of interest as he was a forensic psychologist, claimed to have a deep understanding of Indigenous culture within the Treaty Seven area. Decades prior, I had been searching for a psychologist who had some Indigenous mental health practice or knowledge. We were acquaintances when I introduced him to Annabel. He supervised her so she could practice in Alberta, and they eventually shared office space. I came to the realization that I had an immense amount of trust in him, and only now can I see who he truly became and notice the insidiousness of his wanting to reap the benefits of my work within this blog. 

Discussing Nathan Chasing Horse meant reflecting on decades of triggering work. I really didn't see what others were seeing in me until I received attention across the globe. It’s taken me months and weeks to deconstruct previous conversations with the interviews I’ve given. I googled the people who interviewed me from when I lived in the United States and since moving back home all these decades. I get most of my news from social media platforms; however, it’s not the newsworthy attention I received, and no doubt will continue to receive. It’s the reaction from these mental health professionals that astonished me. It angers and upsets me. 

Lisa is my therapist. When I discuss my existential crisis with women, they tell me to find an Indigenous mental health worker. I say, “I am done!” I repeat myself to them about the decades of mental health work I’ve done for myself. As it’s one thing to look at Nathan Chasing Horse as the fake role of a healer, but there are professional mental health workers both Indigenous and non-Indigenous who supported Nathan. This is also disgusting; At what point do we, as Indigenous people start decolonizing ourselves?

 

It’s upsetting that for 17 years or more Nathan did have access to mental health workers here in Tsuu Tina, and not just here but in various First Nation communities. All those years of being interviewed and seen by people who were classically trained to spot the manipulation he had mastered; all those years no one saw who he really is and if they did, they covered it up to benefit themselves directly or indirectly. All those years his victims were silenced by non-believers, by him, and by people who supposedly had jobs meant to protect the vulnerable. So, I will not apologize for being weary of mental health care practitioners, Indigenous or not. 

Call it what you want.  It’s just upsetting that when people are put in positions of power or positions of authority over, very vulnerable people living with inter-generational trauma. They presumably have the best interest and compassion for others. So why didn’t they help stop this monster? Why did they support him? Why did they not report him to the police or why didn’t they form some sort of support group of his victims? Why didn’t they help them? The moms decades ago wanted help and I volunteered. Fundraising by cooking tacos, selling raffles, and financial help was given; however, leadership wanted it for their own and the moms and daughters were forgotten. Why couldn’t mental health practitioners do more? It’s upsetting to know that within our Indigenous communities, we encourage our young people to get an education, and then what happens? We put so much trust in them, that they have our best interest at heart, and they get mesmerized, hypnotized, eroticize, and mythologized in the ambiance of traditional spirituality. Nathan represented what they believe to be traditional. Yet is he no different than the mental health practitioners we empower with our trust and undying devotion?

 

Annabel diagnosed Chelsea as being delusional and addicted to the fame of Nathan. The limerence of unsolved childhood trauma. Yet, I went to this therapist a well-known friend of Chelsea’s late mom. I wanted her to be there as I called our tribal police, instead, she wanted to talk to Nathan. She didn’t want the police involved.  A monster we helped create was roaming around in First Nations communities. The amount of people that he’s hurt is phenomenal and the amount of people who supposedly had the best interest of Indigenous communities did nothing. Nathan had gone to places in various communities saying he was a youth worker. I wanted references from those that had worked closely with him, and I couldn’t get any. It’s frustrating that even today, knowing there were mental health workers who worked alongside him and didn’t notice anything.  I don’t know why that is, I can’t comprehend why they would not do something. 

They cannot use the excuse that they didn’t understand he was a predator. These are people who worked with children who’ve been abused, who were using a Nathan Chasing Horse as a mentor even after years of people saying he was a danger to children. They still didn’t respond. They still didn’t believe it. Anybody who hired this man who was collecting a salary, wage, or benefits needed to do hard emotional work on themselves. In Tsuu Tina, we had mental health workers that were attending Nathan’s ceremonies.  They were mental health workers that could’ve applied for grants or programs to help these young girls and their moms. 

There continues to be a mental health crisis for Indigenous girls and women, then, and more so now. This monster hurt so many people in so many communities in Canada & the United States. Why aren’t there people in our communities putting proposals together to help our communities heal from intergenerational trauma? Who is training these non-Indigenous mental health workers in our cultural customs and practices? Who’s regulating them? Who’s holding these professionals accountable?

I am grieving over my lived experiences while writing this blog and I am becoming self-aware of my own inner strengths, and my own seriousness.  I cannot ever repay all those who interviewed me. It wasn’t like being interviewed for a job, nor was it obtrusive, these few months and weeks were amazing. Now I see that the mental health workers and professionals throughout my life were wanting to benefit by digging into my lived experience vicariously or by wanting to be interviewed alongside me. I see them now. It’s brought me to this point of self-actualization. There came a point when I stopped depending on a colonial mindset or a construct within our own Matrix. I stopped and saw people whom I’ve held in high esteem as being human beings and not God-like or mystic creatures who have access to magical wands that heal all our traumatic stories. We are mentally well, and we will continue to empower ourselves and others in our spiritual activism fighting and healing from white supremacy. An ideology that I was born into, and an ideology where white was right. I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough of being used and diagnosed as an Indigenous woman who’s had childhood trauma.

 

I’ve studied psychology. I’ve done the work. I’ve done the work for decades and yet in my elder years, I’m amazed at the fact that I just didn’t get it.  We, as Indigenous peoples of the world can empower our own Indigenous people. I feel confident enough about our own mental health.  I’m not alone I don’t believe I’m alone I truly believe that there are a lot of Indigenous people who do understand, As Indigenous women it’s up to us to stand together and heal together and protect our children together. We are the only ones who can do it. Our mothers have suffered our grandmothers suffered. It’s only we Indigenous women who can say enough is enough. Our children are suffering, and we need to help them in whatever way we can. 

I truly believe we’re doing that, but I just need to make sure that people understand, non-Indigenous people too. Nathan Chasing Horse, a monster, got away with so much for so many years. Within our communities, we approved mental health workers, social workers, counselors, and people in positions of power, whom we empowered to protect us. They did not do their jobs. 

 

We must take our power back, and we must empower one another. For some, it’s going to take a while it’s going to be a journey for all of us. For some, you may be at the beginning of your healing, and you may wonder why you didn’t start earlier and that is fine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  For others, you may be at the end of your journey. For me, I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of mental health workers. Continually going to school wanting to get a degree, get the degree, then get another degree and another and another. It’s like an addiction to mental health practitioners, social workers, or addiction counselors some were even addicted to Nathan Chasing Horse.  At what point do we stop and say enough is enough? Bless my poor Aunt’s heart, I’d hear her say “Enough is enough!’ I didn’t understand it then. Today I’d say to my Aunty, “I understand it now! Forgive me!” The Epiphany, “Oh my goodness! Why didn’t I see this?” 

 

The irony of all this is that if I had not received attention from international & national news media. I would not have experienced this epiphany. Since I was raised in a very political family. My parents received international attention alongside my extended family like my dear misunderstood Aunty. It wasn’t anything I ever wanted as I grew up seeing the lateral violence my family experienced in both worlds. I felt they were used to promote white supremacy, as they traveled around the world twice. Once when I was eight years old and then again when I was ten, I judged them and never wanted anything to do with politics or community activism. Yet, I found myself being dragged into interviews over a topic I am passionate about documenting. 

What started this revelation of mine was when I consulted with Jared, then saw his interference and him trying to benefit and seek success off my blog, claiming as he’s claimed for decades his cultural awareness. It took him to see me as a “success,” like he was finally humanizing me, an Indigenous woman, with a degree of education to be seen as his equal and yet not his equal. A man who for decades applied for grants to help Indigenous youth. A man who had many opportunities, along with his colleague, a colleague I introduce him to and with whom he shared office space. The same colleague that diagnosed Chelsea as delusional and suffering from limerence rather than contacting tribal or city police. 

It’s not just them, however, even my own therapist within these past couple of weeks systematically reached out to me more than three times and tried to reschedule a fourth session. Never in all the years, I’ve participated in therapy sessions with her has she ever done this to me. 

These people knew I kept myself anonymous. Now, I reveal myself. I am a professional communicator, knowledge keeper, Indian residential school survivor, day school survivor, and elder. I’ve put my Indigenous female identity out there. Expressing that I am not a candy apple, nor a rotten apple or poison apple, I am the real Macintosh Apple. After all, humor does make light a serious breach of trust. 

I commend those two professional non-Indigenous men with abilities of investigative reporting for interviewing me.  The first man worked for an international newspaper then, and the second interview was for a national TV.  Both non-Indigenous men want to make sure all Indigenous voices are being represented, they’re both experts in their respective fields. This doesn't mean they specialized in Indigenous history, nor do they understand the concept of “lived experience” from an Indigenous way of viewing the world. For me, hearing praises of admiration for the work I am doing, felt good. I asked my sister, when are we as Indigenous women ever going to be heard and she told me, “When someone tells you they admire the work you’re doing. How do you tell them it’s a lot of hard work, a lot of hard truths, but he knows cause it human nature to want what someone has or has accomplished”.

They may not understand my gratitude and the honor they bestowed on me, but in doing so they honored my parents, my grandparents, and all my relatives.

 

Of course, I am going to be upset. Especially when there’s so much intergenerational trauma from our childhoods. It’s upsetting to know the people who benefit and continue to benefit from these traumas. Despite my current view, I am not trying to convince anyone not to seek therapy. I am just exhausted by this colonial mindset of white supremacy. Seeking and expropriating Indigenous ways of knowing and culturally appropriating the spiritual practices of Indigenous peoples. I’m also tired of the gaslighting of educated Indigenous people as not having enough to be considered their equal through their colonial lens.  We have it inside ourselves to fight and heal.

 

“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WE ARE ALL RELATED…We are all responsible for becoming good relatives to all Creator’s creations.

My experience with Nathan Chasing Horse had so many layers of manipulation and deceit.

https://www.kairoscanada.org/missing-murdered-indigenous-women-girls/213-calls-for-justice

So many years ago, a lot was happening to my step- niece, Roberta. Prior to my brother and Nathan's sexual involvement with Roberta, her birth mother was still alive, but she was not present, nor did she herself ever meet Nathan. To date, throughout in the United States and Canada, reports of parents giving up their daughters and sons to Nathan were reported and these stories are still being reported to this day of how he tried recruiting girls and boys. I'd like you to understand that my brother had given up Roberta to Nathan. It wasn't until after my brother was arrested for sexual interference with Roberta and after he served his time in prison that the reasoning behind his gifting or Human Trafficking of, Roberta to Nathan was to hide what he had done to Roberta. From all the conversations I have had with my brother, it appears that these two men had made an agreement. My brother took Roberta to Bear Butte, South Dakota, so he could fast for Nathan’s Sundance, and it was here that Roberta was introduced to Nathan’s other child brides. The agreement was that Nathan would take Roberta as his wife, providing that my brother would never ever sexually interfere with Roberta ever again; however, once he did. My eldest niece who was closest to Nathan’s age, who had nothing to do with Roberta prior to meeting Nathan due to difference in age. I believe she was directed by Nathan to report my brother to the local authorities. When I say directed or instructed by Nathan, Roberta contacted my oldest niece to report what my brother was doing to her. The agreement struck by these two men was broken and Roberta knew so she reported this back to Nathan, who in turned gave instructions to call the authorities. Understand that Roberta was in constant contact with Nathan once she started having sexual relations with him. This communication between them was orchestrated by Nathan alone who manipulated Roberta as well as both my brother and my niece to help him get Roberta to the United States so that she could be one of his many child brides. Roberta was so vulnerable. She kept clinging to this belief that Nathan loved only her and was so enraged when she discovered Nathan took other girls from Tsuu Tina instead of her. She kept this secret until she finally realized this fantasy Nathan created for her would never happen.

A little background history about Roberta's mother was that she met my brother and her former therapist in Vancouver, British Columbia. She had very difficult childhood as her mother had been an alcoholic, and from all reports from her own mother; had herself lived a very high-risk lifestyle that ultimately put all her children in foster homes. They were part of what is now called the 60’s Scoop. Roberta's mom had been addicted to very hard street drugs and as a result all her five children, were born with disabilities as well. Roberta was one of five children from my late sister-in-law, she was the third oldest with my brother raising Roberta’s two younger half-siblings. From all indications, my sister-in-law placed her three eldest children in foster care once they reached two years of age. As a result, none of the siblings knew each other until after my sister-in-law had passed. My sister-in-law had lost track of her three of her children and with the help of her former therapist, Roberta was able to be found in a group home. From all reports from the former therapist, it was revealed Roberta was sexually abused at an early age. I don't want to go into too much history about my late sister­ in-law’s former therapist until later in this Blog. Roberta was placed into a group foster home after my brother’s arrest. We had talked and she was quite convinced that Roberta had become the mirror-image of her. She would make comments such as “I know my daughter and I know what type of person she is because she is who I was” or “She is who I am.” At that moment in time, the relationship between the mother and daughter was quite tumultuous. Both were using street drugs, and both were very angry and emotionally vulnerable indigenous women. They physically fought over one man, and that man was my brother. Roberta at the time, truly believed those closest to her were her lover, Nathan Chasing Horse; my brother, (her stepdad), and my niece (my eldest niece). Roberta truly believed that she was destined to be Nathan's wife as here there were three adults supporting her belief. In hindsight, I believe my brother knew Nathan was having sex with his stepdaughter as he knew Nathan would pick up Roberta at school for private visits; however, I don't believe my (other) niece knew about Nathan's sexual interference with Roberta. I believe she just thought she was following Nathan's orders to get Roberta spiritual help from him. I believe my older niece thought she was benefitting from Nathan’s spiritual teaching and anytime Roberta was allowed time away from the group home my oldest niece would take Roberta to him. I truly believe that was one of the reasons why Roberta thought for so many years she would be with Nathan. Only because there were two adults who were encouraging her and supporting her to be with him.

It was during this time Roberta's mother was diagnosed with cancer. As I was guardian of Roberta’s two younger half-siblings, it was left up to me to take her two children to visit their mother while she was lying in the hospital dying. Two factors were going against me in taking her two children to the hospital; one was my brother, who did not want his children to be with their mother, and two, Roberta explosive anger and bitterness towards her mother and her-stepdad (my brother). All my efforts to make sure Roberta did not visit her mother alone were made by me. I explained the situation to my sister-in-law's doctor. He advised me that it was important that her children were able to visit their dying mother on her deathbed. As he said these would be their last memories, they would have of her. Going against my brother’s wishes I took my niece and nephew to visit their mother anyway. At the same time, efforts to protect Roberta's mother against Roberta had to be a considered as she had visited her in the hospital previously causing quite a scene and was promptly asked to leave. It’s difficult for anyone to understand the self-harming nature of a child like Roberta but that was what was happening. Roberta was at high risk.

I am writing this in memory of my late sister-in-law, as I was there for her in the final days of her life, and believe she was one of the contributing factors for me writing this blog. It is still a difficult memory for me. As I sat with her in the hospital for days on end she would be screaming in excruciating pain. As the days progressed before her very final days, her doctor would come in to increase her morphine dosage. The decision was given to me from her doctor as to whether I thought she should be half-sedated or fully sedated before her death, as I was the only person visiting her. I suggested to the Doctor that I thought being half-sedated was a better alternative since I hoped her family members would come visit her. And she in turn should be able to be aware of their presence. Making the final decision for her was such a difficult decision. Those closest to her were not there yet I still made every effort to ensure her son and her daughter would talk to her over the phone, or even come and visit and sit by her bedside. My late mother took care of the two children while I stayed by their mother’s bedside.

My late sister-in-law was so drugged-up from the morphine that she would sit up and try to get out of bed unaware of her situation desiring just to get dressed while looking at me and imploring, “let's get out of here!" It was a very difficult time.

Nobody would believe me as to how very dangerous Roberta became towards me her parents nor how dangerous Nathan was towards me. For example, my brother was viciously attacked with a machete and almost died from his assault. A conspiracy existed that it was Roberta who had hired somebody to kill my brother for what he had done to her. As my later sister-in-law related that she knew her daughter and knew what she could do. Whether it was Roberta or my late sister-in-law looking for revenge, it was a dangerous situation. My sister-in-law did not at all understand the relationship my brother and my niece had with Nathan, nor was she ever aware of the slander of my character that was created to keep me quiet. She put all the blame on Roberta for seducing my brother. It did not help my efforts to help support Roberta as Nathan manipulated my nieces and everyone around him gaslighting me. Making up different scenario that I was addicted to Nathan. This is why I have devoted a section on “Limerence” in this blog. I was the enemy! I was the cougar! I was chasing Nathan as a scorned reject elderly woman. An indigenous elder woman, knowledge keeper who did not know how to control her own sexual urges or dare I say. "My sexual responses towards any man!" My late sister-in-law's last two days of her life languished interminably while she laid in her bed all the while half­ sedated. Finally, her mother and her uncle and her brothers came and visited blaming the uncle for not telling them her condition was in fact terminal. My brother took care of his ex-wife's funeral, but it was left up to me to take care of her body to prepare her for burial.

Shortly after Nathan Chasing Horse was arrested in January 2023, people asked me why I did I start the blog. There were so many extenuating factors that came to play so many years ago. I believe the main factor was the tumultuous relationship Roberta had with her parents. As well as the relationship she had with my niece, the adult, who was so desperately seeking Nathan’s spiritual guidance and approval. It was important for my niece, to see my brother for his sexual interference with Roberta; however, my niece, the adult, could not see that Nathan sexually interfered with Roberta but condemned everyone for Roberta’s tragic lifestyle. Never considering how actively she participated in Nathan’s corrupt lifestyle. Her contact with Nathan continued until his arrest and prior from two years back spoke with Nathan weekly. Her adult son was in Nathan’s house when Nathan was arrested.

Decades ago, I had requested a psychotherapist to interview Roberta. She wanted to have visits with her half brother and half sister. I would allow her visitation only if the psychotherapist was present and supervising. This was the recommendation the psychotherapist made because he commented that she was a great danger to herself, as well as to her brother and sister. When I asked him, how he concluded this danger, he said that when he asked her about the difference between Nathan and my brother, she could not see the similarities. She could not see that there were two adult men who were sexually interfering with her. The reality is that they were two grown men, two adults, who tried desperately to control Roberta, the child. And don't forget my niece, as my eldest niece was an adult female, who had befriended Roberta at the request of Nathan. Prior to Nathan visiting here, said niece would have had nothing to do with Roberta.

In hindsight, maybe if Roberta visited her half brother and sister, and just maybe while being supervised by a psychotherapist they could have engaged in family group counseling as siblings. The effort was made on my part to make a supportive environment for them to meet but Roberta didn't take the opportunity to engage with her half-brother and sister afterwards. Only in the last few years of Roberta's life was she able to reconnect with her all her half-brothers and half­ sisters. It was not all Roberta’s fault nor her siblings that at some point in all their lives they found themselves in foster care or up for adoption. It was not her fault she was born experiencing withdrawal symptoms nor the sexual abuse she experienced throughout her short-lived life. She was just a child of eight, when my sister-in-law asked her friend, the psychotherapist from Vancouver to find Roberta.

It is why I wonder to this day just how many children are taken into foster care or adoption who have absolutely no support. How many children are trafficked? How many are exhibiting self-harm idealization. How many more children end up missing or murdered? Hasn't this gone on for decades and decades? Or are we still under the believe that white supremacy is compassionate and peaceful? Or are we as indigenous people still allowing ourselves to be shamed into believing spiritual activism in fighting and healing from white supremacy is wrong? I don't live in some isolated Reserve in the middle of nowhere. I live next to a major city of a million plus people. Mental health infrastructure was in place; however, to this day I wonder exactly who is it serving? When 2 billion is set aside for Calls for Justice and the Minister says "60%-70% of these Call for Justice" are acted on and yet from all indications only TWO were met to date. Where are all these statistics coming from? Police & Social Workers, Psychotherapists, and Provincial Child and Family Service? For sure it is not reaching our indigenous children at all! If there have even been little improvements from seventeen years ago, where are all the statistics? My story, my blog, is just a small fraction of what is happening or what indigenous children are still experiencing. Yes! My late Sister-in-law fully needed support. She was correct in describing her daughter Roberta as being just like her. In some ways, yes as both were products of high-risk births from their own mothers and both endeared trauma throughout their short­ lived lives. I tried to be there for or Roberta, and I am indeed grateful I was there for her mother in the final days of her life. I couldn't help Roberta; however, I've tried helping her siblings and Roberta's late mom. Yes! Nathan gaslighted me for decades. His ex-followers warned me continuously, that he was trying to hurt me. I would tell them, as I've done so for years, saying to them “He has already hurt me more than anyone can ever imagine. What more can he do? As I write this blog; the emotional pain of being there for my late sister-in-law who struggled with all her addictions. For Roberta, for the decade after her mom's death struggling with her own addictions and prostitution is still very visceral. I say to those people who were courageous enough to seek me out year after year. I say again to them, in this blog, Nathan can gaslight me all he wants. He has hurt so many people.

Nathan Chasing Horse hurt those that I love and continue to love. After all isn't this the only healing tool we have as human being is our capacity to love one another. I hope those he's hurt are reading this blog and can understand that they are not alone. I warned him that last time I ever spoke to him seventeen years ago, to talk to those who were infatuated with him. In hindsight, please read my blog post about Limerence. It is an addiction to a human being that has a greater impact on the human psyche than people care to admit. I am paraphrasing what I said, "You are working with so many women and their daughters each having an infatuation with you. You have a responsibility to speak the truth. Don't hurt them! You are going to hurt so many girls and women if you don’t tell them, you have a family." These were the last words I spoke to him. As much as his ex-followers wanted to believe I have spoken with him since or the impression from them is that I was addicted to him. I tell them, “Listen to yourselves, hear what you are telling me and think. I am writing this so those who may still think I am an older cougar stalking my prey, Nathan Chasing Horse. Understand. I buried my sister-in-law. I sat with her on her deathbed. I tried to stay present for her. The anger Roberta had towards those she loved as a child, Nathan helped create that anger.” I think that it had been around when Roberta reported she was sexually assaulted by Nathan Chasing Horse to the City of Calgary Police. Prior to 2015, she had so many opportunities to report Nathan, but if she only she had some access to mental health support. As I have stated she was under Provincial care when she was arrested in one of Calgary's most major drug busts. And yet she was still a minor. Systemic racism is a beast that is alive and well thriving in our indigenous communities and our environments every time we “step off the reservation.” (American Slur.)

Limerence and Obsessive thoughts are learned self-defeating behavioral patterns; however, I believe. before colonialization, any propensity or desire towards deviant sexual responses were healed in our indigenous ways of knowing.

 

 The Cree people called the Nakota, Dakota, Lakota & Assiniboine are branches of the “The Great Sioux Nation.” “Pwatosimow or Pwat for short” translates into the word “Dream Dancer.” The Sioux were dancing pow wow for much longer than the Cree. The Sioux introduced the cultural pow wow to the Cree. As far north as Hudson’s Bay another branch of the Cree called the Sioux “The People of the Pipe.” The word “Pwatosimow” (Dream Dancer) is a combination of two words; “Pawata” (to dream of something or to have a dream) and “Simow” (to dance really hard), Simow is and ending action word for active dances and not a word by its own. “Nimehitta” (is to dance as in more of a casual dance), “Pwatosimow” (Kakwaya ge simuto eeg) means “When someone dances really hard” dancing so hard and the word dreamers came to be of an understanding of those who danced this hard were dancing that they could actually manifest dreams. “Historically dancing was associated with healing and the manifestation of dreams of feeling good.” The beauty of indigenous languages like the Cree is the culture. The people of the “Great Sioux Nation” “Pwatisimow” (Bowat simu) DREAM DANCER, (@devembers_wolf) It's my belief these tonal sounds within the sounds around the drums as well as the sounds around the singing around the drums. These tonal sounds reshape the traumatic brain; whereas non-indigenous people (Psychotherapist, psychologists, social works, police, anyone in a position of power) thought PTSD could not be healed. Pretendants are not just people claiming indigenous identities they are also those who in position of power, white privileged who are culturally appropriating healing practices of the indigenous peoples of the Americas.(@hapankinyewakan)

Isolation, grief & chronic stressors trigger my propensity towards limerence & obsession. There is a difference a crush and limerence. Limerence is the intensity.

 

How can you differentiate between a crush and limerence? It comes down to levels of intensity. With a crush on that person, he or she IS NOT on your mind the whole time. from the first thing waking up in the morning to the last thing at night. Feelings you have around that person are seem as being hypervigilant on your part. With a crush you are not hypervigilant, you are not micromanaging however, Limerence you really are hyper focused on every word you have said to that person. You are trying to analyze everything that other person is saying and how you are responding to their body language. Having a crush on a person DOES NOT generally have this intensity; hypervigilant, micromanaging, hyper focused on every word said to that person you’re in limerence over, analyzing everything that person is saying with their words and their body language. (@marriedtherapists) it’s NOT FINE in that Limerence can stop you from being around the other person and how you function around them. I believe it's difficult for an indigenous woman, a woman who as a childhood experienced trauma. I can only say indigenous as this experience was centered around the gathering of indigenous women attending a “healing conference.” I was explaining how so many indigenous women were crushing on my Indigenous male resource person. I told her that I experienced limerence with him. I told her I spoke to him about these intense feelings I was experiencing around him. I wanted him to know that these feelings were not love based nor an infatuation rather were feelings of intensity. I needed him to understand these feelings were surfacing for me and that I had experienced this before. I wanted to handle these feelings appropriately. She said to me that she could never tell a man about her feelings. This woman I’ve mentioned is my cousin. I told her I did and that I still do whenever I have propensity towards Limerence and Obsession towards a human being or object. (@hapankinyewakan) I can see how limerence can be so crippling and socially awkward. I also can see how the person or object being limerent over can also manipulate and hurt the person in limerence with them. (object: gambling or drugs) This can be seen as a phenomenal in a ceremony (object) or adoration of a person in a position of authority. 

My voice means something. White savior complex is a very difficult process for non-indigenous people to process without being tempted to save my indigenous soul. It’s must feel uncomfortable & the urge to convert me is inappropriate. It’s an important topic to understanding our cultural differences when reading my blog. My blog was setup for indigenous girls & indigenous women to read NOT non-indigenous peoples. Inter-generational trauma trigger’s & fight or flight responses over decades & decades made me very self-actualized. Practicing being present & being in this moment or in the now doesn’t happen overnight. 

When it comes to isolation. During the pandemic, I don’t know what I would’ve done without my friend Kate . She was in another province, and we spend anywhere from 6 to 10 hours talking. Throughout my life when it’s come to being isolated, it didn’t really occurred to me that isolation could be a trigger. I think it started when I was eight years old. When I was in isolation, almost dying from infectious hepatitis, double pneumonia. Isolation to being in a secluded spot where there’s nothing but trees under brush, wild animals, and all I had were my siblings and my parents. Are used to see the elderly indigenous people that my late brother and I would go and visit. It’s never occurred to me. That isolation would trigger limerence and obsessive thoughts.

The other trigger is grief again who would’ve thought. And yet throughout my life are use going to university. During my last year, I sat in a circle with my peers and I asked them how many people did they know internetwork, who had passed away in the four years that we were all together. I realized that being indigenous I’ve been around so much death. When we were discussing death, and then I found the majority of my classmates maybe one or two had someone they knew, would passed away within the four years. I explained that I knew at least 50 people either directly or indirectly, who died. again I didn’t know that grieving triggers, Limerence, and obsession thoughts. 

The other trigger is chronic stress. When I lived in the United States, I experienced a lot of chronic stress going to school full-time I’m going to university full-time. Little did I know that it was triggering limerence and obsessive thoughts. I’m going to explain the process for healing for me. I had to leave my community a community where I would have triggered responses in terms of grief and isolation. My late brother would say to me go out and meet people don’t isolate yourself. And but I had to go to another country and experience. Chronic stress. It didn’t really occur to me that I was so comfortable in chronic stress that I would systemically recreate such an environment. I a perfect example of this it would be in February until now. I didn’t realize I was creating chronic stress. Since finding out that Nathan Chasing Horse had been arrested, and I would frequent the casino and lose. I basically was creating chronic stress.

Sometimes it takes something to trigger an a-ha moment. The realization that how long is it gonna take me to understand all these triggers how long is it gonna take me to understand that have a propensity to limerence an obsession. I didn’t know I have seen it throughout my life I think if I had chosen a different path I might not have been Self actualized. That book Edward told the power of now it really means something. To come out of that cocoon or that environment of Nuturing, isolation grief and chronic stress is a very powerful affirmation. Having a propensity for limerence and obsession is nothing you as I’ve been struggling with it most of my life. However, understanding why I’ve been using it as a coping skill rather than eliminating such a inappropriate skill isn’t as difficult as as a first thought.

I don’t believe there’s a cure for this propensity to to Limerence, an obsession only because every person experiences, Limerence and obsession to some degree. It’s the degree that is most concerning. Are use the analogy of having a propensity to think of having sex with a child. The propensity doesn’t become perverted or destructive when it’s a fantasy or a thought; however, from previous studies in psychology, it’s the understanding that once you act on that thought, and it becomes an action that it becomes a point of no return. My propensity for limerence and obsession hasn’t taken me down that path; however, it is giving me some insight in how to spot such behavior and others. I truly believe this is why I was able to spot  Some behavior, a Nathan Chasing Horse that seemed quite familiar. 

This is one of the reasons why I’m explaining Limerence and obsession. This is what one of the reasons why I’m trying to talk about the difference between infatuation and Limerence and why the two are not the same and why one needs a lot of deconstructing, reconstruction and affirmation for it to be eliminated. It becomes very self, defeating, thought that when you’re find yourself in isolation, grieving and in a chronic state of stress that these thoughts come up to sooth you to comfort you, and to make you feel that you’re safe. It’s an appropriate coping mechanism a soothing mechanism, mechanism that falsely portrayed you as thriving when you’re not you’re basically not doing that you’re basically self defeating, get to the point and extreme behavior of self harm. So that is the main concern why I talk about the difference between infatuation and limerence.

I am hoping within the next few weeks with the help of few acquaintances, and colleagues to do a zoom podcast. We will be discussing limerence obsession and infatuation. I believe the focus will be on indigenous way of knowing. As Limerence, an obsession is common in all human beings. 

Why Nathan thrived for so long without ever getting caught until NOW …“Obsession” & “limerence” thrive when your needs are (NOT) met; isolation, grieving & chronically stressed- (unmet needs)

When we have this feeling, that souls are meant to be together. A person with post-traumatic stress disorder the feelings of soul mates or sort of attachment to someone is a big red flag. People’s wounds in the areas of attachment especially if you've experienced abandonment or neglect as a child is the foundation of limerence. In reflection to my own personal life my father was an alcoholic, both parents worked full time and it was difficult for my parents to find consistent babysitters. When they started traveling when I was eight and ten years of age. We found ourselves in the homes of friends or acquaintances of my parents. This too could also feel like abandonment. These times could feel like abandonment when both parents were not present. Also having an alcoholic father who was present but not present. At the age of ten. when my parents were in India, I became extremely sick with double pneumonia and infectious hepatitis. I was in isolation in an Indian hospital for what seemed like six months. I felt abandoned. 

I know I repeat myself, but in hindsight when I look at my grandmother not raised by her parents, and I look at my parents not raised by their parents too. I could not imagine what they felt not having their parents around them, living in an Indian residential school, neglected, and abandoned by staff for a decade. There is no comparison in comparing my childhood trauma to theirs, none whatsoever, at least I had my parents who were gone six months out of each of the two years. Imagine as a child grows into a teenager then into a young adult, who is finding in themselves, searching for a person than another person thinking they have finally found their soulmate. There is something terribly bad and its not good. It is very disruptive to the development of a potential real relationship. A real relationship where you see somebody, and you can be present. So, as much as you see yourself as the person who is trying to hold onto this and create this somewhat  incredible relationship in Limerence. I heard this story from my Indigenous sisters who told me about their incredible relationships where the sex is outstanding and yet they were not happy. The reason was they were holding onto a fantasy of that person, that partner of theirs, when in fact they are rejecting the real person, they are with. This fantasy is a rejection. 

In reflection with my own sexual experiences, there was a double-edged sword growing up with young men who had experienced childhood trauma. After having sex, my partner would worship the ground I walked on and no matter how mean or vindictive, spiteful, or angry I was to him, he would put me on a pedestal. The question occurred to me that if I did not have sex with him would he still put me on a pedestal? Potential partners, who knew I was sexually active, worshipped the ground I walked on too. Two types of Indigenous men who both suffered from PTSD for me were those I had sex with and those I had not, both put me on a pedestal. I witnessed violence against Indigenous women and Indigenous girls and decided to remain celibate. Here is the strange thing about being strong is when I have struggled with attachment issues or attachment problems stemming from my own childhood experiences, trauma affected all my relationships. I remember my late mother saying how until she remembered and started speaking of her childhood trauma in Indian residential school, she did not realize how this experience affected her relationship with my late father. For me, it seemed an exceptionally long time, as my Indigenous sisters would see me as a strong Indigenous woman. The fact, or the conclusion is a result that the stronger I felt sometimes the less present I was. The perceived resilience others think I have is merely a defense mechanism for me retreating so I don’t get emotionally hurt. I had to fight and heal, taking decades for me to develop skills for being present. Eliminating self-defeating behavior releases the fear, knowing somebody is going to fall in love with me when I am present. Present means I am my real authentic self. I see this within my own siblings. When they are afraid, they push me away. They taught me to be patient and compassionate. 

As I have mentioned this double edge sword, where Indigenous men fell in limerence with me, not in love, but limerence. As I mentioned earlier, I was younger, at an age where limerence towards me was frequent by no fault of my own. I knew this was not love because I did not feel the same way as they did towards me.This unrealistic feeling of unwanted attachment or attention by raising me onto a pedestal, an unrealistic pedestal I did not deserve. Similar feelings I had experienced when my parents returned home from their worldwide trips. Indigenous men put me on a pedestal like being associated with me, and that somehow, they too would travel benefiting by associating with my family and extended family. It did not occur to me that it was how people felt about me. This attachment was becoming greater the more educated I became. This attachment was what Nathan saw in me as he convinced Roberta, as she put it. “Nathan thinks you think you are more powerful than him!” This attachment, this limerence is dangerous when the notion the one on the pedestal is, for Roberta at the time, Nathan was her twin flame, her soulmate. I asked Nathan to explain to Roberta that this was not what was going on between them. I confronted him to explain to her they were not soulmates & were not meant to be together. Roberta’s behavior with PTSD was a red flag for me. Nathan indiscriminately sexually assaulted countless innocent Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My own lived experiences illustrates  indigenous inter-generational trauma. 

The paradoxical question is: How do we as Indigenous peoples rebuild a strong Indigenous culture and strong Indigenous family unit after it has been violently stripped away for generation after generation? Well, for me, it is being present and not being too strong that we forget our own humanity. In this blog I speak of distressing details about the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My niece died from a drug overdose last year. This blog talks about Roberta’s short-lived life. She was too hard to manage the mental health professionals claimed. Roberta was trafficked to support people’s drug habits by the time she was sixteen. I have tried to document Roberta’s life in the Canada Foster Care system until she aged out of their care. Seventeen years ago, there was no protection for her. Roberta could have used the protections laid out in the 231 Calls for Justice ( 231 Calls for Justice - KAIROS Canada) Calls legally mandated directives for governments in 2019, institutions in Canada to stop the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. Call for Justice 12.14 was designed to protect Indigenous girls and other youth in care or any other kind of foster care. Recently, 2019 and now in 2023 analysis found that only two of the Calls for Justice were completed with more than half not even being started. I do not know who spoke to the Minister of the Crown for Indigenous Relations to say 70% of these calls were implemented. It is NOT reflected in the many missing and murdered Indigenous girls and indigenous women. Of course, I am going to be upset! When are these 231 Calls for Justice setting up centers for children and teenagers to give support going to be Mandated? Are mental health psychotherapists, social workers, & police too privileged to get their hands dirty by being in an environment that is raw and is visceral. They are safely cocooned within their private offices. Are our childrens behaviors deemed too hard to manage? All levels of government created this cyclical mental health crisis. Decades and decades of our indigenous ways of life ripped away with our children gathered in the mass incarcerated facilities. We can not give up on our youth & never will. 

Sometimes I miss my parents. .2billion budgeted yet nothing spent on indigenous children & indigenous women. Stop the violence — both my parents were not safe & this arrogance keeps perpetuating itself decade after decade … I miss my parents

 This is just a temporary post. I’ll delete this post probably in a week. My sister is quite ill. Today she went into the hospital. In a couple of hours I’ll call back to the ER. I know she’s scared. I don’t like posting on other media platforms. Here I am somewhat anonymous. I just wanted to whisper into the universe. 

…..,it will be like this

Tonight they’re sending her home…. She says ‘I don’t know…I don’t know…’ 

Time to have a peaceful sleep. … 12:30am Tuesday 

This morning, home care is being setup for my sister. 

While I’m updating this blog site I’m dealing with stresses regarding end of life care for my sister. It’s not just me. My community is helping us too. 

We all don’t know how much time we have on planet earth. As I am waiting & watching the decline of my sister’s health I also see an urgency to finish editing this blog. 

We are all afraid. Sometimes we need the patience of our parents & grandparents to calm our grief. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed as the unknown mysteries of death approaches. We know nothing will ever prepare us for death of a loved one. 

Today, I continue to think about the thousands of missing children aging out into a hostile society that only wishes to exploit them. My sister loved babies & children so much she spent her entire life caring for them. 

July 5/23 so many people 

Stampede breakfast with rain clouds approaching & having a few good laughs is my order for today, creator blessed me with this life. Sometimes like my cousin said, ‘I’m having a difficult time accepting my age!’ I think for me it comes in intervals of years not days or weeks … I’ve never lied about my age nor my status. 

I love living in isolation. I think it’s cause at ten years of age I was in isolation for months. Understand, I was the second oldest of eight children & being by myself probably felt like a luxury. 

My sister receives visitors daily & is not alone. I can see her house across my field. Im like the noisy neighbor. For all who are patient with me ‘thank you!’ Just so much change within these last six months it’s difficult. I’ve made it this far & hopefully have many more years to go. 

17 years ago I thought Roberta was not protected. Not much has changed for our indigenous girls

What does white privileged look like from my perspective as an indigenous elder? Why does it permeate? 

I am so grateful for my community, my network. It is not just Tsuu Tina being my community. It's my network, my life’s work. As my cousin, my brother says to me. “Our community takes care of itself.” Throughout these decades this community has taken care of itself. My hope within this blog for other first nations communities, other first nation centers in urban areas, other indigenous people will learn from the experience my community went through. Please be reflective, most or our youth were children when I started this blog. Reflect on them evolving, helping their community, knowing what they know about systemic racism and the thousand of unmarked graves of our ancestors. An analogy is like our communities are living breathing organisms evolving through the prayers of our ancestors and our own.  Making good relatives is extending one’s compassion for each other. My cousin, my friend, my sister says to me: ‘I hope your feeling better tonight maybe we can go out for a drive tomorrow or do something you were stuck inside for awhile. Which is not good for anyone and talking to those ‘white trashy people’ who only go to you so they can say I helped this native woman. With doing this and doing that to becoming noticed. They do not care if you are hurting if they get the pat on the back and say excellent work. You know how they are, so do not feel bad.’ When she is referring to ‘white trashy people’ she referring to Second psychotherapist, First psychotherapist & Third psychotherapist. For decades therapist (both Indigenous & non-Indigenous) report back to Canada’s non-insured health benefits program. The government knew about the mental health crisis of Indigenous youth. Second psychotherapist, third psychotherapist & First psychotherapist are all on a list of qualified therapists. One would think the government would take all this money spent paying therapists, over the decades to build a mental health center for Indigenous children & teens. Over ten teenage girls needed help seventeen years ago. Their moms were so desperate. Nathan comes into our community selling his ‘snake oil.’ imagine if you can the hope, they, the moms, and their daughters felt once they came out of ‘the ceremonies.’ Our indigenous men immediately wanted what Nathan had. Typical misogynist & patriarchal ways of thinking wanting to reap the benefits directed to these Indigenous girls and Indigenous women took the attention all for themselves. As a result, nobody questioned his credentials because everyone wanted something from Nathan. Understand this, non-insured health benefits also pay traditional healer like Nathan. If he were Canadian, they would have paid him for his services.

 It was during the time Indian residential school survivors were disclosing their traumatic childhood experiences with Truth & Reconciliation adjudicators. Survivors did not trust white therapists. As Indigenous workers gathered survivors, they also created a list of first nation medicine people. (An acquaintance does not include me as one healer) these healers had community support, protection & had histories of violating Indigenous girls & women. Catch traditional healers sexually interfering with children by this method of accountability was successful, although this was not its primarily purpose. First nations communities knew government was paying traditional healers. They knew where they could report any abuse. Today, there are improvements; however, still no financial obligation towards establishing a healing center for Indigenous children and Indigenous teenagers. The government’s solution is to continue apprehending them and placing them into a foster care system like they did for Roberta. (Healing Centers are not group homes) Decades ago prior to my uncle’s death, he told me, “The government created these problems, now let them solve it!” Intergenerational trauma of incarcerating babies and children into Indian residential schools to manipulate the savage out of us whatever method they found appropriate. Understand this, my grandmother was not raised by her parents, nor were both of my parents raised by their parents. I write knowing the legacy I leave behind. I am the first generation raised by both parents, raised by my grandparents, aunties, and uncles. As my cousins says our traditional indigenous communities takes care of themselves.

 Back to Second psychotherapist, third psychotherapist & First psychotherapist, each paid for decades counselling with survivors in their private practices. Third psychotherapist sat witnessing over 350 stories during the adjudication process for Indian residential school survivors. Applied for grants using their credentials, psychotherapist with Indigenous knowledge skills. For Second psychotherapist, he actual participated in ‘pipe ceremonies’ with his white friend conducting this spiritual practice. Second psychotherapist attending ceremonial sweats amongst the Blackfeet of the Treaty Seven area. Second psychotherapist disclosing confidential details about a former high profile Indigenous Tsuu Tina client. Second psychotherapist serving his connection to indigenous ways of knowing for his own personal gain. Not just Second psychotherapist, first psychotherapist who also shared office space with him. both culturally appropriating. In fact, what sicken me the most about First psychotherapist, she was my late sister-in-law’s psychotherapist, assisting her in getting Roberta out of the foster care system in Vancouver. First psychotherapist is the first person I confided in minutes after Roberta telling me Nathan had sex with her. I went to her hoping she would be there for me once I called the police. Instead, she wanted to hear Nathan’s side of the story. She spent an hour talking with Nathan. Finally concluding Nathan was in a child’s sexual fantasy. When I reflect, it still makes me angry. She was more concerned about learning cultural practices from Nathan. Culturally appropriating what she could use as a psychotherapist gaining more cultural competency at Roberta’s expense. This is what angers me about these three individuals. This is what my cousin refers to as ‘white trashy people.’ Hurting my niece Roberta rather then actually seeing Nathan for what he was and is, they wanted to be apart of this ‘spiritual phenomenon,’ around Nathan. They saw how happy people were. They wanted the benefits of what Nathan had and even though Third psychotherapist never met Nathan; however, this need to become an indigenized mental health professional is a big money maker. After talking to Third psychotherapist in a therapeutic setting about my sister’s health, third psychotherapist started gaslighting me, manipulating me, leading me to second guessing basic things like scheduling issues. Third psychotherapist does not want to lose a client, me, but she has.

 There are so many stories like mine across Turtle Island. Like First investigative journalist says one Indigenous mental health practitioners used Nathan in their clinic. He was a devoted follower of Nathan’s until two years ago. First investigative journalist said he did not mention this fellow in his article. ‘White trashy people’ there are also ‘red trashy people,’ still loyal to Nathan. To the investigative journalists, thank you again, I take you both as a human being, not ‘white trashy people.’. With support from people like you who are in my network I would like to be feeling ‘self-actualized.’ I have shared what I have gone through with my network: Hong Kong, Ceres, CA, Kitchener, On, Vancouver, Edmonton, Sioux Valley Manitoba, Fort Peck Mn, Rosebud SD, Phoenix, Az, Manchester England, Calgary & Tsuut’ina, my home. I am not alone nor lonely. So many human beings love me. I struggle. I reach out. I survive and continue trying to be happy & healthy. I amazed at the impact Nathan being arrested in January triggers in me to this day. My experience was raw and visceral lasting seventeen years. Surfacing each time an indigenous woman reached out to me for support and guidance.

 The following is my personal reflection on the raw, visceral trauma I have experienced after being interviewed. I never thought it would impact me with the following decisions I’ve made for my personal life moving forward. I had this epiphany. I got so upset! It’s the sad reality. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, as I’ve had long discussions with mental health workers, not all in a therapeutic community, rather as acquaintances. As you're reading this, I'd like you to understand what I’ve gone through these past couple of months since the arrest of Nathan Chasing Horse. It's a bit of a phenomena or an existential crisis of sorts. For some historical reasoning that I kept as a ‘self-defeating thought,’ feeding it endlessly it seemed. I doubted myself. I doubted my words. I doubted my work in the sense of seeing work as being physical rather than mental. I was documenting within this blog. Through the decades, I even doubted whether my purpose in writing had reached anybody. Sometimes, I asked other indigenous women about whether this blog had reached anyone. I hear stories of young indigenous girls reading & having their own epiphany. Disclosing to their mom that Nathan sexually interfered with them. If it were not for the encouragement of other indigenous women, I thought of stopping. Existential crisis for me, meant I didn’t see or didn’t want to see what others saw in me.

 Using the analogy, me as reference being once an indigenous child versus my life’s journey in fighting and healing from white supremacy. Look at this life of a Swan. It’s born an ugly frail creature. A little ugly thing dependent on its mother for survival. There’s nothing beautiful about birds, kill it, eat it, there gone; however, nurture it, love it, appreciate it and it flourishes into a beautiful, majestic creature. The existential crisis is this creature. We are all creatures, at some point we were all little Rugrats, who after a heavy rain fall swam in pools dirty waters the storm left behind. We believe as human beings, we move forward fighting and healing from our childhood trauma.  

 Briefly my psychological history, to put my existential crisis in prospective for you, my readers. I’ve studied psychology. I worked with high-risk teenage girls, in the United States. High-risk means they’d attempted suicide so many times that they were ordered by the courts or were voluntarily admit into protective care. Previously, I worked seasonally as a youth counsellor in northern communities of Alberta, Canada. My work took me deep within myself, as most of my clients’ experiences were like my own childhood trauma. I was in my youth and didn’t know about inter-generational trauma my grandparents, parents & my siblings went through in Indian Residential Schools. I just knew from the psychology courses I took I needed a therapist. So, throughout most of my life I’ve been co-dependent on therapists or mental health workers as my guardian angels, spirit guides, gurus, confidants. Yes, I said co-dependent allowing them to enable me.

 I don’t know why I didn’t feel I had the confidence. Maybe, I was being too naïve about my own empowerment of lived experiences. At any rate, in these past months, I’ve received a huge amount of attention. I mean huge. It’s this naivete, or maybe lack of trust. Mostly, lack of trust for people in positions of power, white supremacy power or better yet lack of understanding what spiritual activism meant within the ideology of white supremacy.  Yes, I know big words, but important none the less. I think too I was too busy over thinking things too or not being allowing myself to step back to see the bigger picture of it all. I hope you continue to have the patience to continue reading or listening to my existential crisis.  

 A little more background of my relationship with mental health workers throughout the past decades to give you a clear understanding of how I've come to this point in my life. Whether or not these acquaintances want to acknowledge their actions towards me that's irrelevant because I know who I am. There are three non-indigenous individuals who played a major part in the past 20-30 years; two were acquaintances and one was my therapist. Acquaintance one, female, originally practiced within the City of Vancouver until moving into Tsuu Tina, my home community. She was in a relationship with a family member. She had a previous relationship as a therapist with my late sister-in-law. Their relationship was close enough that she helped find my sister-in-law’s daughter, Roberta. She reported the sexual abuse Roberta experience in the various foster homes Roberta lived in since she was two years old. It’s important to understand the amount of information this therapist had on Roberta as it plays into her judging Roberta’s disclosures. The second therapist, a person of interest as he was a forensic psychologist, who claimed to have a deep understanding of indigenous culture within the Treaty Seven area. Decades prior, I was searching for a psychologist who had some indigenous mental health work. At first it was business, then he became my therapist then our relationship turned into an acquaintanceship. We were acquaintance when I introduced him to the first therapist I’ve mentioned. He supervised her so she could practice in Alberta, and they eventually shared office space. What I find disgusting in writing about my relationship with him is the amount of trust I empowered him with only to see who he truly became or the insidiousness of wanting to reap the benefits of my work within this blog. Discussing Nathan Chasing Horse. meant reflecting on decades of doing triggering work. I really didn't see what others were seeing in me, until I received. I mean worldwide attention. It’s taken me months and weeks to deconstruction previous conversations with the interviews I’ve given. I googled the people who interviewed me. As I lived in the United States and since moving back home all these decades, I never really watched Canadian Television. In fact, I get most of my news from social media platforms; however, its not the newsworthy attention I received, and no doubt will continue to receive. It’s the reaction from these mental health professionals that astonished me. It angers me and it upsets me. The third mental health practitioner is my therapist. When I discus my existential crisis to women they say find and indigenous mental health worker. I say, “I am done!” I repeat myself to them about the decades of mental health work I’ve done for myself. As its one thing to look at Nathan Chasing Horse as the fake role of a healer, but there are professional mental health workers both indigenous and non-indigenous who supported Nathan. This is also disgusting At what point do we as indigenous people start decolonializing ourselves.

 I don’t know why I was so naïve to think that in some fantasy world, some make-believe world, where professional, qualified individuals, would’ve run into an Nathan Chasing Horse. Where for some miraculous reason they would have stopped him. Interviewing him, interacted with him, as they have assumably the skill set to help the most vulnerable.  It’s upsetting that 17 years or more Nathan did have access to mental health workers here in Tsuu Tina, and not just here he had access to other mental health workers in various parts of Indian country or indigenous countries or first nations.

Call it what you want.  It’s just upsetting that when people are put in positions of power or positions of authority over, very vulnerable people living with inter-generational trauma. They assumably have the best interest and compassion for others. I am upset thinking why didn’t they help stop this Monster? Why did they support him? Why did they not report him to the police or why didn’t they form some sort of support group of his victims? Why didn’t they? Why didn’t they help them? Why couldn’t they do proposals to get money to help with these victims. The moms decades ago wanting help and I volunteered. Fund raising, cooking tacos, selling raffles and financial help was given; however, leadership wanted it for their own and the moms and daughters were forgotten.

 Why couldn’t mental health practitioners do more. It’s just upsetting to know that within our indigenous communities, we encourage our young people to get an education and then what happens. We put so much trust in them, but they have our best interest at heart, and they get mesmerized, hypnotized, eroticize, mythologized in ambience of traditional spirituality. Nathan represented what they believe to be traditional. Yet is he no different than the mental health practitioners we empower with our trust and undying devotion? The reality of it is Nathan doesn’t represent all indigenous people nor all indigenous youth, nor does he represent me. It boggles my mind that people just didn’t want to do anything, yet they want the benefits of hard emotional work. The hard emotional work so many of us who walk our talk.

 Understand that I’m upset because the first mental health practitioner diagnosed Roberta as being delusional. She saw Roberta as being addicted to the fame of Nathan. The limerence of unsolved childhood trauma. Yet, I went to this therapist, I well known friend of Roberta’s late mom. I want her to be there as I called our tribal police, instead she wanted to talk to Nathan. She didn’t want the police involved.  A monster we helped create was roaming around in First Nations communities, and especially in urban settings where there’s no sense of traditional indigenous community.  The amount of people that he’s hurt is phenomenal. The amount of people who supposedly had the best interest of indigenous communities did nothing. Now that Nathan was arrested, they’re being coming forward and saying they did to follow him like I don’t understand. Nathan had gone to places in various communities saying he was a youth worker. I wanted references and I couldn’t get any and it’s frustrating that even today, knowing that there were mental health workers who worked alongside of him and didn’t notice anything.  I don’t know why that is maybe these mental health professionals were not benefiting from anything, or they didn’t feel responsible. I don’t know. I can’t comprehend why they would not do some thing. I mean I’ve been so caught up in documenting what I know but the reality of it is and its upsetting.

They can not use the excuse that they didn’t understand he was a predator. These are people who worked with children who’ve been abused, who were using a Nathan Chasing Horse as a mentor even after years of people promoting that he was a danger to children. They still didn’t respond. They still didn’t believe. Anybody who hired this man who was collecting a salary, wage or benefit needed to do hard emotional work on themselves. In Tsuu Tina, we had mental health workers that were attending Nathan’s ceremonies.  They were mental health workers that could’ve applied for grants or programs to help these young girls and their moms because they were asking for help. There continues to be a mental health crisis for indigenous girls and indigenous women, then, and more so now. This monster hurt so many people in so many communities in Canada & within the United States. Why aren’t there people in our communities putting proposals together to help our communities heal from intergenerational trauma? It’s not just Nathan Chasing Horse I’m talking about, any kind of traumatic event or any kind of understanding, I’m not blaming anyone from Tsuu Tina. We have a good program. We had to go through a lot to get to where we’re at today. I just wish other communities could have done what Tsuu Tina has done, today and from what I’m hearing is that there are still communities who have mental health workers who aren’t doing their jobs and that’s what’s upsetting. Who training these non-indigenous mental health workers in our cultural customs and practices. Who’s regulating them? Whose holding these professional accountable? I just can’t comprehend that my lived experience with racial injustice, my lived experiences working in psychology & being cognitive of my own mental health journeys, I didn’t see.

Maybe I am grieving over my lived experiences with writing this blog. Maybe I am becoming self aware of my own inner strengths, my own seriousness.  I can not never repay all those who interviewed me. It wasn’t like being interviewed for a job, nor was it obtrusive, these few months and weeks were amazing. In the sense that I didn’t see. Mental health workers, professionals wanting to benefit by digging into my lived experience vicariously or benefiting by wanting to be interviewed long aside me. I see them now. It’s brought me this point of self actualization. A word that is used and overused in psychology classes the world over.  There is a point when we or me, stop depending on a colonial mindset or a construct within our own Matrix. Where we stop and see people who we’ve held in high esteem as being human beings and not God-like or mystic creatures who have access to magical wands that heal all our traumatic stories. We are mentally well, and we will continue to empower ourselves and others in our spiritual activism fighting and healing from white supremacy. An ideology that I was born into, and an ideology were white was right. I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough of being used and diagnosed as being an indigenous woman who’s had childhood trauma.

I’ve studied psychology. I’ve done the work. I’ve done the work for decades and yet in my elder years, I’m amazed at the fact that I just didn’t get it.  We, as indigenous peoples of the world can empower our own indigenous people. I feel confident enough about our own mental health. I don’t have to bow down to some holy person or some like mental health practitioner, as if they hold a golden key or a magic wand. Sadly, they too need to get counselling.  I’m not alone I don’t believe I’m alone I truly believe that there are a lot of indigenous people who do understand, As indigenous women it’s up to us to stand together and heal together and protect our children together. We are the only ones who can do it. I know we have our family, our men in our family but it’s we women who have suffered. Our mothers have suffered our grandmothers suffered. It’s only we indigenous women who can say enough is enough. Our children are suffering, and we need to help them whatever way we can. I truly believe we’re doing that, but I just need to make sure that people understand, non-indigenous people too. Nathan Chasing Horse, a monster, got away with so much for so many years. Within our communities who we approved of as mental health workers, our social workers, counsellors, people in positions of power, who we empowered to protect us. They did not do their jobs. 

 What is it that we’re going to say in we must take that power back, and we must empower ourselves. For some it’s goanna take a while it’s going to take a journey for all of us. For some you may be in the beginning of your healing and you may wonder why you didn’t start earlier and that is fine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  For others, you may be at the end of your journey. For me, I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of mental health workers. Co-dependency and enabling is like it’s like never being satisfied. Liking it like, continually going to school wanting to get a degree, get the degree, then get another degree and another and another. It’s like an addiction to mental health practitioners, social workers or addiction counsellors, anyone, or anything like it, and yes, even addicted to Nathan Chasing Horse.  At what point do we stop and say enough is enough. Bless my poor Aunt’s heart, I’d hear her say “enough is enough!’ I didn’t understand it then. I’d say to Aunty, “I understand it now! Forgive me!” The Epiphany, “Oh my goodness! Why didn’t I see this?” 

The irony of all this is that if I had not received the attention from international news media & national news media. I would not have experiences this epiphany. Since I was raised in a very political family. My parents received international attentions along side my extended family, like my dear misunderstood Aunty. It wasn’t anything I ever wanted as I grew up seeing the lateral violence my family experienced in both worlds. I felt they were used to promote white supremacy, as they travelled around the world twice; once when I was eight years old and second, when I was ten. I judged them and never wanted anything to do with politics or community activism. Yet, I found myself bring dragged into interviews over a topic I am passionate about documenting. If I hadn’t consulted with my thirty-year acquaintance, the forensic psychologist. If hadn’t seen his interference, if I had not seen him try to benefit or seek success off my blog. Claiming as he’s claimed for decades his cultural awareness. It took him to see me as a “success,” like he was finally humanizing me, an indigenous woman, with a degree of education to be seen as his equal and yet not his equal. A man who for decades applied for grants to help indigenous youth. A man who had many opportunities, along with his colleague, a colleague I introduce him to and who he shared office space. A colleague who judged my step-niece as delusional suffering from limerence rather than contacting tribal police or city police, rather than believing me about Roberta’s disclosure of Nathan’s assault. This man who had an opportunity to meet Nathan but thought his friend who invited him was vulnerable. A man who participated in sweats and various pipe ceremonies held by white privileged man in his home. He was aware. A man whom I encouraged not to get involved with this national news media, reaching out more than once to reap the benefits off the hard work of the many indigenous girls and indigenous women who I documented within my blog. Its not just him alone. My own therapist within these past weeks systematically reached out to me more than three times and reschedule a fourth session. Never in all the years I’ve participated in therapy session with her as she ever done this to me. These people knew I kept myself anonymous. Now, I reveal myself. I am a professional communicator, knowledge keeper, Indian residential school survivor, day school survivor and elder. I’ve put my indigenous female identity out there. Expressing that I am not a candy apple, nor a rotten apple or poison apple, I am the real Macintosh Apple. After all humor does make light a serious breech of trust. I commend those two professional non-indigenous men with abilities of investigative reporting for interviewing me.  The first man worked for an international newspaper then, the second interviewed was for a national TV.  Both non-indigenous men wanting to make sure all indigenous voices are being represented. I know because I googled both, they're both experts in their respective fields. It doesn't mean their specialized indigenous history, nor do they understand the concept “lived experience” from an indigenous way of viewing the world. For me, hearing praises of admiration for the work am doing, felt good. I shared with one the experiences of the past month regarding those I trusted wanting to benefit. He said he understood. I asked my sister, when are we as indigenous women ever going to be heard and she told me, “When someone tells you they admire the work you’re doing. How do you tell them it’s a lot of hard work, a lot of hard truths, but he knows cause its human nature to want what someone has or has accomplished.” After all, both professional men are well accomplished and have this lived experience. It's important to acknowledge our indigenous voices as we as indigenous people have never had this form of attention. They may not understand my gratitude and the honor they bestowed on me. In doing so they honored my parents, my grandparents and all my relatives. It is in the purpose of participating in smudging and praying.

 Of course, I am going to be upset. It’s not easy getting to know the people who came before us. Especially when there’s so much intergenerational trauma lived from our childhoods. It’s upsetting to know the people who benefit and continue to benefit off these traumas. I am not trying to convince anyone into not seeking therapy. I am just exhausted in this colonial mindset of white supremacy. Seeking, expropriating indigenous ways of knowing, culturally appropriating the spiritual practices of indigenous ways of thinking and gaslighting educated indigenous people as not having enough to be considered their equal through their colonial lens.  We have it inside ourselves to fight and heal.

“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WE ARE ALL RELATED…We are all responsible for becoming a good relative too all Creator’s relatives.

An introduction Marina Ann Crane. I was forced to remain invisible & yet Nathan Chasing Horse's followers over the decades would find me, phoning me, texting me.

 

(thanks to rita pallada “native actor.3 youtube for this short video clip) 

Nathan Chasing His Horse a.k.a. Smiles A lot

Since 2011 documented blog called,

The world is smaller now buyer be aware!

My name is Marina Ann Crane, Hapan Kinyewakan, Winona Kinyewakan, PowwowKazawee, the way my parents and grandparents named first five as follows: Chaske, my older brother who was first born boy, Hapan, is me, second born, a girl. Hapstin, is my sister a third child who’s a girl, Catan is my brother a fourth child whose a boy and finally Wihake, my sister a fifth born girl. After the fifth parents name them the way they wish as the sixth was born in the Spring, a boy, the seventh was born in the fall, a boy and the last was born on New Years Day named after a dead relative. My late mother’s maiden name, Kinyewakan, Flying Holy & my dad’s mom’s name Dowan, To sing. My pronoun is a girl raised with responsible of a Hapan. My matriarchal lineage takes me from the land of Ochethi Sakowin, camps of the seven council fires: Dakota, Nakota, Lakota.

1.     Sisithunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers among the old fish bones,

2.     Ihankthunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers at the end of the camp circle,

3.     Wahpethunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers among the leaves,

4.     Mdewakantonwan, (Dakota) Dwellers at Spirit Lake,

5.     Wahpekhute, (Dakota) those who shoot among the leaves,

6.     Ihankthunwan, (Nakota) Younger Dwellers at the end of the camp circle, Bear’s paw, Chinkiki, Wesley

7.      Titonwan, (Lakota)Dwellers on the prairie; Oglala, mnikhowozu, oohenunpa, Sichangu, sihasapa, hunkpapa,

 I was born on the Oak River Indian Reserve now called Sioux Valley Dakota First Nation during a minus forty below winter storm. I was home birthed by my Dakota grandmother. My grandfather’s mother, Emma Campbell, an English colonial name was from Mankato, Minnesota. All her siblings, under the age of five when her and her family of five escaped from the largest mass execution in USA history. My mother’s mom’s family name was Wasicuna, meaning Whiteman. My lineage comes from the Sioux tribes that escaped and were exiled into Canada. My ethnicity is 93% indigenous to North America, (4% Germanic, 2% Norway, 1% France, 1% Northwestern Europe) My Status Card claims me as being enrolled as a voting Nation member of the Tsuu Tina First Nation’s community of Treaty Seven. The colonial construct policies meant to divide indigenous peoples did their job well. Having spoke fluent Dakota Sioux until I went to Day School, I lost my ability to speak Dakota. I was raised listening to various languages of the Treaty Seven area.

Paradoxically white supremacy based colonial governments deemed inherent rights, two spirited, 2SLGBTQ+, murdered and missing indigenous girls, indigenous women as invisible (non-human beings rather animalistic). We are at the bottom of the Canadian socioeconomic ladder. Historical gendered based violence, land theft, mass incarceration, racial injustice with the health system and in the police forces is critical. The crisis of mental health for indigenous is triggering to an already vulnerable population.  Indigenous and black people continue to advocate for an attempt to work within these systems. Systemic racism meant to harm me and my community before my birth.  I hope that we can honor the indigenous peoples of the Americas. Within the next few months, I’ll be wrapping up this blog site. As most of my conversations speaks of gender violence that was forced on these lands by Christian outsiders. The gender violence towards indigenous girls and indigenous women was declared in Ottawa as a National Crisis, in 2023. Much of my blog is an explanation of this violence towards indigenous girls and women, as taught to me through my own family and my own lived experience. I thank all those non-indigenous peoples who hold space for myself and my ancestors’ stories. In my open public forums I acknowledge that the roles of my parents, grandparents and all my ancestors. Encouraging reconciliation for all sides as its vital in peace keeping. As violence disrupted throughout our history, so it continues, as an imposed reconciliation takes place without a safe and supportive environment. If we do not fight and healing from white supremacy more innocent people will die, not from riots but from mental health related issues. So where do we start and how does it finish is based on educating ourselves about anti-racism and equity. Understanding the new terminology of our indigenous youth is important. As there is a serge or call it a renaissance of young indigenous artist from all indigenous tribe emerging all over the world. We must hear their voice is we as a race are to survive.  

In this blog since 2011, I put a warning out to all indigenous girls and indigenous women about the spiritual abuse and sexual assaults of accused Nathan Chasing Horse. Prior to his arrest on January 31, 2023 I shorten his name to NCH as prior years I was threatened with a law suit. This blog will be filled with many conversations about child abuse, sexual abuse that is not something you have the emotional capacity to read or hear. It might be a good time to end listening or stop reading thorough this blog.

 (Again, thanks to rita pallada “native actor.3 youtube for this short video clip)

 

Sometimes I wonder

 Years ago my audience was directed to young indigenous girls and young indigenous women. Today I find myself caught up in a system that is not safe for me to express my opinions on the subject of Nathan Chasing Horse. sometimes I wonder who can I trust. For decades, I was invisible, and now I’m finding myself to be open to the public. I’ve grown up my entire life in an integrated system of systemic racism. I understand how white fragility plays huge part in how people may see my blog. It is for this reason that I wonder if I’m doing the right thing in bringing awareness about the mental health crisis as girls and indigenous women. The Canadian government issued a statement a few weeks ago about a state of emergency for murdered and missing, indigenous girls, entering teaching us, women, two spirited indigenous people.

I’ve seen and heard young indigenous influencers talk about the many people they have to block on their social media sites. Despite the efforts of explaining what it’s like to live in a first nations community.Sometimes I wonder if there’s any hope for reconciliation. As it seems and appears that it’s only one sided. The more we voice or opinion the more we are critic criticized in the more we are criticize the more we realize that this voice that we have developed was never allowed to be heard. This is why I wonder if the people who are reading this blog realize the significance of the story I write. 

It’s understanding that generations of generations, indigenous people we’re not allowed to even utter a word on their behalf. They were not allowed to stand up and defend the very voice that was silenced.I’ve grown up my entire life in two worlds. Decades ago I had a friend who made a statement about people of color. She had noticed that the waiter was waiting on us, had an accent. My my friend was not indigenous, so she made a statement of how easy her white privilege was. At most white privilege people don’t have to learn more than one language. She said she could not imagine, moving into a country whose language was born to her. That she would have to adapt, and how difficult it would be for her to learn another language, and to work within that language.

So I wonder people understand how difficult it is to be across culturally educated indigenous person. I’m not going to explain the difficulties that I experienced my entire life that’s not the purpose of why I wonder about things. The important thing that I’d like people to understand, is that this isn’t just an indigenous problem when it comes to cultlike behavior. Cults of existence since the beginning of time and people have naïvely participating and being groomed and indoctrinated into these cults, ritual abuse is part of the behavior within a cult. Try to imagine the difficulties it would be you to dingy brief defragment deconstruct a behavior that myself and others have thought was normal our entire lives.  Then we get an education and we start attending therapy and then we realize that a lot of. Our thoughts are self-defeating.

Then I wonder why generations after generation are these ways of thinking these ways of self-defeating behavior, so entrenched in our culture that we have to protect our very children and our very girls from rapist, and from people who love to manipulate the  savage out of us. This is what it feels like to be colonized. It’s the reinforcement of negative self talk. Are used to say when I was talk to OB and listen to a white privilege person, especially a teacher or an employer that it was because they were smarter than me.

It makes me wonder when I when I speak the truth about my lived experience. What does the person who is the who is the opposite of me listing actually hears their own voice. I wonder if they understand that making a statement that they are sincere such whatever I’m going through that I will come out of it a lot better emotionally. And that once I come out of this traumatic event that I would be a little bit smarter because of my lived experience. It makes me wonder if the person understands their own white privilege. I don’t really I don’t really think the person realize it’s just how difficult it is for anybody who has gone through a traumatic experience how difficult it is for them to even have the courage to seek professional help  to even ask for help and even trust the person that they’re seeking help from to be compassionate towards the struggles, they are facing. 

Sometimes I wonder if people understand what so compassion means. I don’t have I don’t tend to believe I have a solution to the mental health crisis. I do know it’s a lot easier to put yourself in a position of looking inward and seeing dissecting deconstructing what you see but it’s another thing to actually Have lived experience within that culture. Because you can’t have compassion unless you have self compassion for your own life, your own trauma, your own psychological, struggles your own human social responses, your own drama, your own tragedies, your own grief, your own joys, and your own ways of living.  All I ask for those for reading this blog is to be compassionate towards the victims is that I talk about or to understand that there’s a history behind indigenous girls and indigenous women that we had no control over. We were born into systemic racism towards us, we were stamped at birth to be seen as it visible, and to be used  And abused by anyone at their privilege. It’s difficult for indigenous girls to grow up in a family with violence is perceived as being normal normalizing brutality towards indigenous girls and indigenous women, and then to project it into white society, as if all societies behave the same. And then if there is some truth, there is some truth for all women. The file on speaker experience on a daily basis  And the patriarchy in Misogyny of being afraid if her partner is a narcissist, understanding that there’s very little resources for women to escape such partners, very little resources for women to feel safe and comforted and guided into living a healthy, beautiful life. It’s my hope and desire that all women find courage to walk there talk, because if we don’t , and if we do not encourage mental health, the price is too great to pay. We’ve seen this so many times. I’ve buried so many young indigenous women. I am blessed to be an elder that I’ve lived through this crisis in my own way, and yet even how I’m perceived, as an elder is also  Biased.