Last night:::

After a day of picking chokecherries, me and a cousin sat and talked for hours. She knew about a metis family that I was curious about. She thought I was thinking about a possible future relationship with an educated metis Guy; however, after everything was said and done she realized I was just curious. We all can find something disturbing about our families. 

It may seem strange that my curiosity about violence in homes and how the long term effects of this type of trauma has had on adult children applies to me.  

I use the analogy of a tree growing with a firm rooted foundation. I tell people image that at the base of our skulls the brain stem are these roots. As our brain develops just like a tree branchs or vessels spread widely throughout our skulls. I say that the amount of branches determine our synaptic memory or storage for information or response to survival. 

In any case as Human being we develop these imagery trees within our skulls as apart of human brain development. The analogy of a healthy developed brain is based on whether a child has experienced trauma. The less trauma experienced the greater amount of branches. 

I know it sounds strange to use a tree as an example; however, I use this to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. So, when I meet adult children of violence much comes into play. For the most part I had thought about alcohol & drug abuse involved in violence as recently these past few decades it been an increasing common experience. 

But this turned out not to be about not just violence when one or both parents are involved in violent behavior around growing developing children. I’ve used my own life as a self reflective model. As a comparison to base a scale of how much trauma I experienced as opposed to others. 

Boundaries also came into place as how children were raised. As in most violent himes where the father was violent towards a child or the child had continuously was targeted. In most case when a person is intoxiated most will not hid their children from witnessing such behavior. My late mother protected us as much as she could. As a result of this I’ve realized how fortunate I was. My late mom came from a matriarchal way of thinking. 

Households were patriarchy took hold meant the wives within these household were too frightened to hide their children. There were no type of boundaries established to help guide the child or children. In hindsight I can see why one of the guys I studied said “I don’t believe in boundaries” it’s because he never saw such boundaries as a child. 

Or for example, I’m gifted. I’m very talented; however, it’s difficult to believe that this comes from wanting to be accepted. As my late mom wasn’t a nice to me as she was tobtge testbif my siblings. Yet, my siblings saw the two of us as close only because we both worked on each other. In the end we learned trust. It’s because of this trust that I was able to do my art practice time without self judgement. 

Sometimes when I write I forget to let my readers know that much of what I write about took years of self reflection. Self discovery for me is a lifelong Journey until I go home. So you may be wondering what does this have to do with obsession or passive aggressive personalities. As it is, staying focused during a conversation so as not to be passive in the conversation takes practice for me as well as becoming aggressive in my use of descriptive narratives. 

Okay I’m wandering, my result from last night’s conversation was a break through. This only happened cause the woman I was talking with had worked in these northern communities. I’d heard about violent violence in home as being extremely common; however, when it comes to the politics of children I become very serious. 

For me, it’s important to elect people who were never abused violently by the patriarchal fathers. The violence experienced by these children mapped in their behavior. Just like that tree I described earlier. The more or the extreme violent acts done to them determines how well developed their brains branched out. How reflexive they are to adapt non/violently or process abstract concepts about violence and healthy boundaries. I know I sound dry and clinical; however, our indigenous children are depending on us to know what good leadership is when we see it. 

Being educated for me has come with a blessing of sorts in that people only see what they want to see. Much of the indigenous people I know are educated; however, it’s their early childhood experiences that separate us from the rest. I’m not saying these men are dangerous I’m just saying their capacity for validation certain things isn’t there or it’s there but difficult to access. Much like a person with dyslexia who has difficulty reading. It’s something that can be managed and used but that it takes a great effort than those didn’t come from violent homes  in childhood. 

It sounds like I may be confusing you the reader; however, let me reassure you. These educated people are complex people. We all are complex. The difference is in the experience of intimacy. I’m not talking about physically sexual intimacy rather I’m taking about discourse. 

It frightens me to think how a human being can function everyday doing a violent act in order to feel normal. As in women becoming violently obsessed with seducing a man or a man stalking a woman or a woman stalking a man. This need to feel normal comes in many forms and shapes. 

As I’ve said, years of dealing with my own behavior and finding visible helping hands guiding me forward and some some not do invisible. 

We all want to be loved. It’s establishing healthy healing boundaries that opens us up to Creator. 

In my conversation last night nothing happens by accident. We are born here & we are alive. It’s how we evolve, how we thrive that cause a ripple effect in this universe. 

I was once told indirectly “he said you think your more powerful than him.” At the time I didn’t understand. Because of this one man who loved me as a young woman. This one man who without knowing it allowed me to connect all the dots around my own childhood experiences around violence. For you see, as much as I had believed I grew up up in a violent home I didn’t. I grew up in a violent community. 

I didn’t need to isolate myself for protection; however, I’m glad I did. If my life is to shed some light on our human condition than so be it. And, to also give maybe you the reader premission to live your life then so be it. 

We choose to function a certain way. Our brains become wired tobrespond a certain way.  It doesn’t mean we can not change. I truly believe change dirs come to those who have healthy boundaries. Even growing up with boundaries of any kind is ver my vital. Meaning boundaries are boundaries whether they are unhealthy or healthy. It when you’ve convinced yourself you have no boundaries that you are truly in trouble. 

The image I went to sleep with last night was seeing a grown man running around his home early in the morning with an axe chasing after his wife. Chasing her as their children hurried into a school bus to go to school. This story told to me by the social worker who had to debrief these traumatized children. 

Image now this man with the axe is the brother & brother-in-law of two retired RCMP officers. One officer also a retired lawyer. It’s the retured lawyer whose the blood brother to this man with the axe. They have a younger brother who is just as violent towards their physically intimate partners. All with the exception of the brother-in-law are indigenous. 

All believing they are better than other indigenous people. It’s a frightening reality of what some children learned & continue to teach each generation when they too start becoming parents and then violent grandparents. 

In closing, yes it’s a blessing to be educated. It also hides any deep rooted childhood trauma. As people look for margalized people with alcohol & drug abuse issues, so educated people are seen as healthy cause they’re productive. 

Some of you may understand ritual abuse and the degrees and levels that these ritual occur in every human beings lives. We as adults need to know how to protect our children from becoming such violent creatures or monsters. As we tend to stereotype margalize people by not looking into our own childhood traumas. I believe by having the courage to look into our past life as a child we are helping others. We may not see it cause Creator guides us forward. It’s the prayers of protection that Creator answers. 

And yes, at the time I didn’t know what the comment meant “she thinks she more powerful than me.” meant; however, I don’t see power. I only see guidance through an educated mind. 

It’s a sad state:::

When I was younger I developed an interest in biographies. How a person lived & what things they did that made them unique. I never thought I’d become obsessed with getting some sort of validation. Something that would confirm my suspicions about an individual’s behavior as in what motivated them to be who they became. 

A few months ago I started writing about a fellow who ran away from Canada. I’ve said canada is an a apartheid country. Some say I’m mistaken yet, when I’ve various indigenous people who feel they are a little better than me, I wonder. 

Decades ago, as it started decades ago, I was sexual harrassed and sexually groped by a guy around my age. It’s normal human development considering we both didn’t know how to act being attracted to each other. 

What I’m getting at was that he claimed I was the only indigenous girl he had ever had feelings for & regretted never telling me or acting in it. He said that I’d pop up in his mind at particular times, just out of the blue. 

I was flattered at first & had hoped we could develop a friendship. I’d hoped he would respect my boundaries but he said he didn’t believe in boundaries. The whole process after that all went down hill. 

I couldn’t just leave it alone as needed to know why he had such a negative attitude towards women. He’d been separated from his wife from ten years. He also seemed like he had some experience CATFISHING with other women in social media sites. This made me even more curious. 

So here’s the short of it. He’s always thought himself a little better than me cause he has a little “white” blood in him. This is where the “apartheid” attitude came into play. It’s apparent that a woman with no indigenous bloodline is inferior to me. As a matter of fact this guy was so blind in his arrogance that he didn’t see the paradox he created. 

Every woman he ever had sex with was in opinion a woman he loved. Meaning that there was never ever going to be an indigenous woman he’d ever love. In fact he told me I was the only indigenous woman he regretted never revealing love; however, all woman he loved were “white.” I’m assuming these woman were treated good at first then his meanness would show. His is why could never find happiness with any “white” woman. Yet, after resolving his feeling for me he returned to his wife asking for forgiveness. 

My reality is going the total distance in trying to understand him and his motives. Apparently, he’s more concerned about about having someone he can never have and it’s driving him crazy. Everything he’s ever done was to prove to “white” that he a “Brown” skinned man could have what “whitemen” had. He said he had to prove to them he could succeed. 

It was very difficult to grasp his motivations when my “buckskin” skin was something I’ve worn proudly. After all I am a human being. 

Sadly, this guy comes from a very troubling past. His brothers are monsters causetgeir father was a monster. Nothing can change the violent relationships his brothers have had with indigenous women. Even though he’s never been sexually active with indigenous women there’s that violent influence that has consumed his brothers. 

It’s frightening how controlling these brothers are with any woman they’ve become intimate with; however, cause this guy has avoided indigenous women he thinks he’s in controll. 

Apartheid where isolation from siblings based on who they married exists within indigenous communities. It’s apart of the side effect of systemic racism. 

Everyone is effected. 

Reality though is it’s tough to be him cause in order for him to heal he must face this reality. Violence surfaces it’s ugly face no matter how much energy one puts into believing they are controlling it. 

As a result of my research into his life and his lifestyle, I can serious say Creator has had my back for protecting me from such a guy. I’ve heard of horrible violence & I say away from adults who tolerated it for years. The lesson I’ve learned is a person can run away from Canada but their personal life can not be hidden. Creator finds a way of making us accountable for our actions. 

Sometimes when we get older if we’ve managed to excel in something great our pasts our made to be forgotten by those who remember. It’s done this way as our youth need a goal or a mentor to get them to believe all this are possible. And, so it is. 

However, my blog is meant to reach and for whatever reason a person finds solace in it. For me, it gives me joy to know that someone is moving forward. This means nothing negative is holding that person back into evolving. 

So, don’t always believe what on social media. Do your research by interviewing people who know people to get the bigger picture. Once the picture is complete the obsession is finished & laid to rest. 

As it’s not in my path to understand someone else’s shame or for that matter take my magic wand waving for that shame to vanish. I must cut & slice the string that kept this energy stale or dormant. 

🙏🏽💕🙏🏽