17 years ago I thought Roberta was not protected. Not much has changed for our indigenous girls

What does white privileged look like from my perspective as an indigenous elder? Why does it permeate? 

I am so grateful for my community, my network. It is not just Tsuu Tina being my community. It's my network, my life’s work. As my cousin, my brother says to me. “Our community takes care of itself.” Throughout these decades this community has taken care of itself. My hope within this blog for other first nations communities, other first nation centers in urban areas, other indigenous people will learn from the experience my community went through. Please be reflective, most or our youth were children when I started this blog. Reflect on them evolving, helping their community, knowing what they know about systemic racism and the thousand of unmarked graves of our ancestors. An analogy is like our communities are living breathing organisms evolving through the prayers of our ancestors and our own.  Making good relatives is extending one’s compassion for each other. My cousin, my friend, my sister says to me: ‘I hope your feeling better tonight maybe we can go out for a drive tomorrow or do something you were stuck inside for awhile. Which is not good for anyone and talking to those ‘white trashy people’ who only go to you so they can say I helped this native woman. With doing this and doing that to becoming noticed. They do not care if you are hurting if they get the pat on the back and say excellent work. You know how they are, so do not feel bad.’ When she is referring to ‘white trashy people’ she referring to Second psychotherapist, First psychotherapist & Third psychotherapist. For decades therapist (both Indigenous & non-Indigenous) report back to Canada’s non-insured health benefits program. The government knew about the mental health crisis of Indigenous youth. Second psychotherapist, third psychotherapist & First psychotherapist are all on a list of qualified therapists. One would think the government would take all this money spent paying therapists, over the decades to build a mental health center for Indigenous children & teens. Over ten teenage girls needed help seventeen years ago. Their moms were so desperate. Nathan comes into our community selling his ‘snake oil.’ imagine if you can the hope, they, the moms, and their daughters felt once they came out of ‘the ceremonies.’ Our indigenous men immediately wanted what Nathan had. Typical misogynist & patriarchal ways of thinking wanting to reap the benefits directed to these Indigenous girls and Indigenous women took the attention all for themselves. As a result, nobody questioned his credentials because everyone wanted something from Nathan. Understand this, non-insured health benefits also pay traditional healer like Nathan. If he were Canadian, they would have paid him for his services.

 It was during the time Indian residential school survivors were disclosing their traumatic childhood experiences with Truth & Reconciliation adjudicators. Survivors did not trust white therapists. As Indigenous workers gathered survivors, they also created a list of first nation medicine people. (An acquaintance does not include me as one healer) these healers had community support, protection & had histories of violating Indigenous girls & women. Catch traditional healers sexually interfering with children by this method of accountability was successful, although this was not its primarily purpose. First nations communities knew government was paying traditional healers. They knew where they could report any abuse. Today, there are improvements; however, still no financial obligation towards establishing a healing center for Indigenous children and Indigenous teenagers. The government’s solution is to continue apprehending them and placing them into a foster care system like they did for Roberta. (Healing Centers are not group homes) Decades ago prior to my uncle’s death, he told me, “The government created these problems, now let them solve it!” Intergenerational trauma of incarcerating babies and children into Indian residential schools to manipulate the savage out of us whatever method they found appropriate. Understand this, my grandmother was not raised by her parents, nor were both of my parents raised by their parents. I write knowing the legacy I leave behind. I am the first generation raised by both parents, raised by my grandparents, aunties, and uncles. As my cousins says our traditional indigenous communities takes care of themselves.

 Back to Second psychotherapist, third psychotherapist & First psychotherapist, each paid for decades counselling with survivors in their private practices. Third psychotherapist sat witnessing over 350 stories during the adjudication process for Indian residential school survivors. Applied for grants using their credentials, psychotherapist with Indigenous knowledge skills. For Second psychotherapist, he actual participated in ‘pipe ceremonies’ with his white friend conducting this spiritual practice. Second psychotherapist attending ceremonial sweats amongst the Blackfeet of the Treaty Seven area. Second psychotherapist disclosing confidential details about a former high profile Indigenous Tsuu Tina client. Second psychotherapist serving his connection to indigenous ways of knowing for his own personal gain. Not just Second psychotherapist, first psychotherapist who also shared office space with him. both culturally appropriating. In fact, what sicken me the most about First psychotherapist, she was my late sister-in-law’s psychotherapist, assisting her in getting Roberta out of the foster care system in Vancouver. First psychotherapist is the first person I confided in minutes after Roberta telling me Nathan had sex with her. I went to her hoping she would be there for me once I called the police. Instead, she wanted to hear Nathan’s side of the story. She spent an hour talking with Nathan. Finally concluding Nathan was in a child’s sexual fantasy. When I reflect, it still makes me angry. She was more concerned about learning cultural practices from Nathan. Culturally appropriating what she could use as a psychotherapist gaining more cultural competency at Roberta’s expense. This is what angers me about these three individuals. This is what my cousin refers to as ‘white trashy people.’ Hurting my niece Roberta rather then actually seeing Nathan for what he was and is, they wanted to be apart of this ‘spiritual phenomenon,’ around Nathan. They saw how happy people were. They wanted the benefits of what Nathan had and even though Third psychotherapist never met Nathan; however, this need to become an indigenized mental health professional is a big money maker. After talking to Third psychotherapist in a therapeutic setting about my sister’s health, third psychotherapist started gaslighting me, manipulating me, leading me to second guessing basic things like scheduling issues. Third psychotherapist does not want to lose a client, me, but she has.

 There are so many stories like mine across Turtle Island. Like First investigative journalist says one Indigenous mental health practitioners used Nathan in their clinic. He was a devoted follower of Nathan’s until two years ago. First investigative journalist said he did not mention this fellow in his article. ‘White trashy people’ there are also ‘red trashy people,’ still loyal to Nathan. To the investigative journalists, thank you again, I take you both as a human being, not ‘white trashy people.’. With support from people like you who are in my network I would like to be feeling ‘self-actualized.’ I have shared what I have gone through with my network: Hong Kong, Ceres, CA, Kitchener, On, Vancouver, Edmonton, Sioux Valley Manitoba, Fort Peck Mn, Rosebud SD, Phoenix, Az, Manchester England, Calgary & Tsuut’ina, my home. I am not alone nor lonely. So many human beings love me. I struggle. I reach out. I survive and continue trying to be happy & healthy. I amazed at the impact Nathan being arrested in January triggers in me to this day. My experience was raw and visceral lasting seventeen years. Surfacing each time an indigenous woman reached out to me for support and guidance.

 The following is my personal reflection on the raw, visceral trauma I have experienced after being interviewed. I never thought it would impact me with the following decisions I’ve made for my personal life moving forward. I had this epiphany. I got so upset! It’s the sad reality. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, as I’ve had long discussions with mental health workers, not all in a therapeutic community, rather as acquaintances. As you're reading this, I'd like you to understand what I’ve gone through these past couple of months since the arrest of Nathan Chasing Horse. It's a bit of a phenomena or an existential crisis of sorts. For some historical reasoning that I kept as a ‘self-defeating thought,’ feeding it endlessly it seemed. I doubted myself. I doubted my words. I doubted my work in the sense of seeing work as being physical rather than mental. I was documenting within this blog. Through the decades, I even doubted whether my purpose in writing had reached anybody. Sometimes, I asked other indigenous women about whether this blog had reached anyone. I hear stories of young indigenous girls reading & having their own epiphany. Disclosing to their mom that Nathan sexually interfered with them. If it were not for the encouragement of other indigenous women, I thought of stopping. Existential crisis for me, meant I didn’t see or didn’t want to see what others saw in me.

 Using the analogy, me as reference being once an indigenous child versus my life’s journey in fighting and healing from white supremacy. Look at this life of a Swan. It’s born an ugly frail creature. A little ugly thing dependent on its mother for survival. There’s nothing beautiful about birds, kill it, eat it, there gone; however, nurture it, love it, appreciate it and it flourishes into a beautiful, majestic creature. The existential crisis is this creature. We are all creatures, at some point we were all little Rugrats, who after a heavy rain fall swam in pools dirty waters the storm left behind. We believe as human beings, we move forward fighting and healing from our childhood trauma.  

 Briefly my psychological history, to put my existential crisis in prospective for you, my readers. I’ve studied psychology. I worked with high-risk teenage girls, in the United States. High-risk means they’d attempted suicide so many times that they were ordered by the courts or were voluntarily admit into protective care. Previously, I worked seasonally as a youth counsellor in northern communities of Alberta, Canada. My work took me deep within myself, as most of my clients’ experiences were like my own childhood trauma. I was in my youth and didn’t know about inter-generational trauma my grandparents, parents & my siblings went through in Indian Residential Schools. I just knew from the psychology courses I took I needed a therapist. So, throughout most of my life I’ve been co-dependent on therapists or mental health workers as my guardian angels, spirit guides, gurus, confidants. Yes, I said co-dependent allowing them to enable me.

 I don’t know why I didn’t feel I had the confidence. Maybe, I was being too naïve about my own empowerment of lived experiences. At any rate, in these past months, I’ve received a huge amount of attention. I mean huge. It’s this naivete, or maybe lack of trust. Mostly, lack of trust for people in positions of power, white supremacy power or better yet lack of understanding what spiritual activism meant within the ideology of white supremacy.  Yes, I know big words, but important none the less. I think too I was too busy over thinking things too or not being allowing myself to step back to see the bigger picture of it all. I hope you continue to have the patience to continue reading or listening to my existential crisis.  

 A little more background of my relationship with mental health workers throughout the past decades to give you a clear understanding of how I've come to this point in my life. Whether or not these acquaintances want to acknowledge their actions towards me that's irrelevant because I know who I am. There are three non-indigenous individuals who played a major part in the past 20-30 years; two were acquaintances and one was my therapist. Acquaintance one, female, originally practiced within the City of Vancouver until moving into Tsuu Tina, my home community. She was in a relationship with a family member. She had a previous relationship as a therapist with my late sister-in-law. Their relationship was close enough that she helped find my sister-in-law’s daughter, Roberta. She reported the sexual abuse Roberta experience in the various foster homes Roberta lived in since she was two years old. It’s important to understand the amount of information this therapist had on Roberta as it plays into her judging Roberta’s disclosures. The second therapist, a person of interest as he was a forensic psychologist, who claimed to have a deep understanding of indigenous culture within the Treaty Seven area. Decades prior, I was searching for a psychologist who had some indigenous mental health work. At first it was business, then he became my therapist then our relationship turned into an acquaintanceship. We were acquaintance when I introduced him to the first therapist I’ve mentioned. He supervised her so she could practice in Alberta, and they eventually shared office space. What I find disgusting in writing about my relationship with him is the amount of trust I empowered him with only to see who he truly became or the insidiousness of wanting to reap the benefits of my work within this blog. Discussing Nathan Chasing Horse. meant reflecting on decades of doing triggering work. I really didn't see what others were seeing in me, until I received. I mean worldwide attention. It’s taken me months and weeks to deconstruction previous conversations with the interviews I’ve given. I googled the people who interviewed me. As I lived in the United States and since moving back home all these decades, I never really watched Canadian Television. In fact, I get most of my news from social media platforms; however, its not the newsworthy attention I received, and no doubt will continue to receive. It’s the reaction from these mental health professionals that astonished me. It angers me and it upsets me. The third mental health practitioner is my therapist. When I discus my existential crisis to women they say find and indigenous mental health worker. I say, “I am done!” I repeat myself to them about the decades of mental health work I’ve done for myself. As its one thing to look at Nathan Chasing Horse as the fake role of a healer, but there are professional mental health workers both indigenous and non-indigenous who supported Nathan. This is also disgusting At what point do we as indigenous people start decolonializing ourselves.

 I don’t know why I was so naïve to think that in some fantasy world, some make-believe world, where professional, qualified individuals, would’ve run into an Nathan Chasing Horse. Where for some miraculous reason they would have stopped him. Interviewing him, interacted with him, as they have assumably the skill set to help the most vulnerable.  It’s upsetting that 17 years or more Nathan did have access to mental health workers here in Tsuu Tina, and not just here he had access to other mental health workers in various parts of Indian country or indigenous countries or first nations.

Call it what you want.  It’s just upsetting that when people are put in positions of power or positions of authority over, very vulnerable people living with inter-generational trauma. They assumably have the best interest and compassion for others. I am upset thinking why didn’t they help stop this Monster? Why did they support him? Why did they not report him to the police or why didn’t they form some sort of support group of his victims? Why didn’t they? Why didn’t they help them? Why couldn’t they do proposals to get money to help with these victims. The moms decades ago wanting help and I volunteered. Fund raising, cooking tacos, selling raffles and financial help was given; however, leadership wanted it for their own and the moms and daughters were forgotten.

 Why couldn’t mental health practitioners do more. It’s just upsetting to know that within our indigenous communities, we encourage our young people to get an education and then what happens. We put so much trust in them, but they have our best interest at heart, and they get mesmerized, hypnotized, eroticize, mythologized in ambience of traditional spirituality. Nathan represented what they believe to be traditional. Yet is he no different than the mental health practitioners we empower with our trust and undying devotion? The reality of it is Nathan doesn’t represent all indigenous people nor all indigenous youth, nor does he represent me. It boggles my mind that people just didn’t want to do anything, yet they want the benefits of hard emotional work. The hard emotional work so many of us who walk our talk.

 Understand that I’m upset because the first mental health practitioner diagnosed Roberta as being delusional. She saw Roberta as being addicted to the fame of Nathan. The limerence of unsolved childhood trauma. Yet, I went to this therapist, I well known friend of Roberta’s late mom. I want her to be there as I called our tribal police, instead she wanted to talk to Nathan. She didn’t want the police involved.  A monster we helped create was roaming around in First Nations communities, and especially in urban settings where there’s no sense of traditional indigenous community.  The amount of people that he’s hurt is phenomenal. The amount of people who supposedly had the best interest of indigenous communities did nothing. Now that Nathan was arrested, they’re being coming forward and saying they did to follow him like I don’t understand. Nathan had gone to places in various communities saying he was a youth worker. I wanted references and I couldn’t get any and it’s frustrating that even today, knowing that there were mental health workers who worked alongside of him and didn’t notice anything.  I don’t know why that is maybe these mental health professionals were not benefiting from anything, or they didn’t feel responsible. I don’t know. I can’t comprehend why they would not do some thing. I mean I’ve been so caught up in documenting what I know but the reality of it is and its upsetting.

They can not use the excuse that they didn’t understand he was a predator. These are people who worked with children who’ve been abused, who were using a Nathan Chasing Horse as a mentor even after years of people promoting that he was a danger to children. They still didn’t respond. They still didn’t believe. Anybody who hired this man who was collecting a salary, wage or benefit needed to do hard emotional work on themselves. In Tsuu Tina, we had mental health workers that were attending Nathan’s ceremonies.  They were mental health workers that could’ve applied for grants or programs to help these young girls and their moms because they were asking for help. There continues to be a mental health crisis for indigenous girls and indigenous women, then, and more so now. This monster hurt so many people in so many communities in Canada & within the United States. Why aren’t there people in our communities putting proposals together to help our communities heal from intergenerational trauma? It’s not just Nathan Chasing Horse I’m talking about, any kind of traumatic event or any kind of understanding, I’m not blaming anyone from Tsuu Tina. We have a good program. We had to go through a lot to get to where we’re at today. I just wish other communities could have done what Tsuu Tina has done, today and from what I’m hearing is that there are still communities who have mental health workers who aren’t doing their jobs and that’s what’s upsetting. Who training these non-indigenous mental health workers in our cultural customs and practices. Who’s regulating them? Whose holding these professional accountable? I just can’t comprehend that my lived experience with racial injustice, my lived experiences working in psychology & being cognitive of my own mental health journeys, I didn’t see.

Maybe I am grieving over my lived experiences with writing this blog. Maybe I am becoming self aware of my own inner strengths, my own seriousness.  I can not never repay all those who interviewed me. It wasn’t like being interviewed for a job, nor was it obtrusive, these few months and weeks were amazing. In the sense that I didn’t see. Mental health workers, professionals wanting to benefit by digging into my lived experience vicariously or benefiting by wanting to be interviewed long aside me. I see them now. It’s brought me this point of self actualization. A word that is used and overused in psychology classes the world over.  There is a point when we or me, stop depending on a colonial mindset or a construct within our own Matrix. Where we stop and see people who we’ve held in high esteem as being human beings and not God-like or mystic creatures who have access to magical wands that heal all our traumatic stories. We are mentally well, and we will continue to empower ourselves and others in our spiritual activism fighting and healing from white supremacy. An ideology that I was born into, and an ideology were white was right. I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough of being used and diagnosed as being an indigenous woman who’s had childhood trauma.

I’ve studied psychology. I’ve done the work. I’ve done the work for decades and yet in my elder years, I’m amazed at the fact that I just didn’t get it.  We, as indigenous peoples of the world can empower our own indigenous people. I feel confident enough about our own mental health. I don’t have to bow down to some holy person or some like mental health practitioner, as if they hold a golden key or a magic wand. Sadly, they too need to get counselling.  I’m not alone I don’t believe I’m alone I truly believe that there are a lot of indigenous people who do understand, As indigenous women it’s up to us to stand together and heal together and protect our children together. We are the only ones who can do it. I know we have our family, our men in our family but it’s we women who have suffered. Our mothers have suffered our grandmothers suffered. It’s only we indigenous women who can say enough is enough. Our children are suffering, and we need to help them whatever way we can. I truly believe we’re doing that, but I just need to make sure that people understand, non-indigenous people too. Nathan Chasing Horse, a monster, got away with so much for so many years. Within our communities who we approved of as mental health workers, our social workers, counsellors, people in positions of power, who we empowered to protect us. They did not do their jobs. 

 What is it that we’re going to say in we must take that power back, and we must empower ourselves. For some it’s goanna take a while it’s going to take a journey for all of us. For some you may be in the beginning of your healing and you may wonder why you didn’t start earlier and that is fine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  For others, you may be at the end of your journey. For me, I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of mental health workers. Co-dependency and enabling is like it’s like never being satisfied. Liking it like, continually going to school wanting to get a degree, get the degree, then get another degree and another and another. It’s like an addiction to mental health practitioners, social workers or addiction counsellors, anyone, or anything like it, and yes, even addicted to Nathan Chasing Horse.  At what point do we stop and say enough is enough. Bless my poor Aunt’s heart, I’d hear her say “enough is enough!’ I didn’t understand it then. I’d say to Aunty, “I understand it now! Forgive me!” The Epiphany, “Oh my goodness! Why didn’t I see this?” 

The irony of all this is that if I had not received the attention from international news media & national news media. I would not have experiences this epiphany. Since I was raised in a very political family. My parents received international attentions along side my extended family, like my dear misunderstood Aunty. It wasn’t anything I ever wanted as I grew up seeing the lateral violence my family experienced in both worlds. I felt they were used to promote white supremacy, as they travelled around the world twice; once when I was eight years old and second, when I was ten. I judged them and never wanted anything to do with politics or community activism. Yet, I found myself bring dragged into interviews over a topic I am passionate about documenting. If I hadn’t consulted with my thirty-year acquaintance, the forensic psychologist. If hadn’t seen his interference, if I had not seen him try to benefit or seek success off my blog. Claiming as he’s claimed for decades his cultural awareness. It took him to see me as a “success,” like he was finally humanizing me, an indigenous woman, with a degree of education to be seen as his equal and yet not his equal. A man who for decades applied for grants to help indigenous youth. A man who had many opportunities, along with his colleague, a colleague I introduce him to and who he shared office space. A colleague who judged my step-niece as delusional suffering from limerence rather than contacting tribal police or city police, rather than believing me about Roberta’s disclosure of Nathan’s assault. This man who had an opportunity to meet Nathan but thought his friend who invited him was vulnerable. A man who participated in sweats and various pipe ceremonies held by white privileged man in his home. He was aware. A man whom I encouraged not to get involved with this national news media, reaching out more than once to reap the benefits off the hard work of the many indigenous girls and indigenous women who I documented within my blog. Its not just him alone. My own therapist within these past weeks systematically reached out to me more than three times and reschedule a fourth session. Never in all the years I’ve participated in therapy session with her as she ever done this to me. These people knew I kept myself anonymous. Now, I reveal myself. I am a professional communicator, knowledge keeper, Indian residential school survivor, day school survivor and elder. I’ve put my indigenous female identity out there. Expressing that I am not a candy apple, nor a rotten apple or poison apple, I am the real Macintosh Apple. After all humor does make light a serious breech of trust. I commend those two professional non-indigenous men with abilities of investigative reporting for interviewing me.  The first man worked for an international newspaper then, the second interviewed was for a national TV.  Both non-indigenous men wanting to make sure all indigenous voices are being represented. I know because I googled both, they're both experts in their respective fields. It doesn't mean their specialized indigenous history, nor do they understand the concept “lived experience” from an indigenous way of viewing the world. For me, hearing praises of admiration for the work am doing, felt good. I shared with one the experiences of the past month regarding those I trusted wanting to benefit. He said he understood. I asked my sister, when are we as indigenous women ever going to be heard and she told me, “When someone tells you they admire the work you’re doing. How do you tell them it’s a lot of hard work, a lot of hard truths, but he knows cause its human nature to want what someone has or has accomplished.” After all, both professional men are well accomplished and have this lived experience. It's important to acknowledge our indigenous voices as we as indigenous people have never had this form of attention. They may not understand my gratitude and the honor they bestowed on me. In doing so they honored my parents, my grandparents and all my relatives. It is in the purpose of participating in smudging and praying.

 Of course, I am going to be upset. It’s not easy getting to know the people who came before us. Especially when there’s so much intergenerational trauma lived from our childhoods. It’s upsetting to know the people who benefit and continue to benefit off these traumas. I am not trying to convince anyone into not seeking therapy. I am just exhausted in this colonial mindset of white supremacy. Seeking, expropriating indigenous ways of knowing, culturally appropriating the spiritual practices of indigenous ways of thinking and gaslighting educated indigenous people as not having enough to be considered their equal through their colonial lens.  We have it inside ourselves to fight and heal.

“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WE ARE ALL RELATED…We are all responsible for becoming a good relative too all Creator’s relatives.