Male Energy

Sometimes I don't know where I've been this past decade and sometimes even my entire life. I find things out about the decisions I've made and sometimes I wonder. Like this week was all about violence towards women in general. It was all over Facebook. I know indigenous women a three time more likely to be abuse by someone they know. I also know that many indigenous due to intergenerational trauma will not be public about their abuse or their abuser. 

I've put myself out there in cyberspace disclosing so much about myself lately. I am still anonymously writing under a different name: however, what I blog about is real. I've experienced lateral violence from women who claim they are healthy and well. I am at the point where I just avoid indigenous women who boost about their healing journey as if it's some trophy or badge they earned. Don't get me wrong they may have given up a substance addiction and really that's so much better than battling two addictions; behavioral and substance.

Dealing with both addiction within one family is exhausting. This past month there were many deaths within my community. We are dealing with adult children who lived within the foster care system and still don't feel like they belong. I helped bury one young man who was taken away from his mom by the time he was five years old. He was fortunate, if there's such a word, because he managed to stay with his siblings. And, at the funeral I saw this unity of nationhood honoring this young man's life. I helped bury his great-grandparents, his grandmother, all his uncles and aunties with the exception of the one remaining daughter of the great-grandparents.

Growing up around substance addiction, I never paid too much attention to behavioral addiction. Perhaps dysfunction was a normal status amongst everyone I knew; however, there was something strange happening to my entire family. It somehow elevated us above any behavioral addiction issues and that was because my family was political. At a very early age I saw my grandparents on all side both my parent's parents being productive people. People within my community somehow looked at me as a commodity or oddity, pick whatever. I just know that because my family travelled around the world and met various rich people and powerful influential ones at that, my peers expected much from me.

I don't want to get off base with my story about this entire month and grieve it stirred up in me. I'd already grieved over family members every year since my late mother took her journey home. I wondered whether I grieving the right way so that when ever time were to come again to bury a loved one I could be there strong. Like I've said, most of my entire life I've cared for my mental health. It was a good investment. I'm very grateful for Wakan Tanka protecting me from walking in the wrong direction and believe me I am capable of making terrible decisions.

Okay, getting back to violence towards women, I experienced trauma by watching my father beat up my mother, watched my uncles beat up my aunties and saw bruises on women. These women raised their children and I helped bury them; however, the intergenerational trauma still is alive. I've basically overly protected myself and even within this blog I've used this site to warn others about this plastic medicine man. I think I got it into my head that most people would warn others about predators or just plane evil people; however, within this past week just realizing the extend that any woman would go to not disclose they've been abused as made me rethink this blog site again.

I've read about a industry that makes a billion dollars every year from selling a product that makes brown skinned women look white. Imagine your a browned skinned women because brown skinned people make up for five billion of the world population. Imagine being married to a man who beats you and kicks you out of your home. Your are heart broken and decision to try this new makeup to make yourself look more appealing to other men; however, you husband see the change in your appears. Because you appear to have lightened you skin color he begs you to come back to him.

Really, I didn't realize that there was such a beauty product. Maybe, I buy some...NOT!!!

Years ago, I head a very over weight roommate who was very talented. She could play at least six instruments. The thing that I remember about her is the black Nigerian men who adorned her. She loved the attention and I believe she ended up marry one of those men. Another, is my own sister, whose husband's made a comment to me about my own sister that took me back. She told me that I wasn't related to my sister because my sister was white and I wasn't white.

I am sorry..  NOT!! I just never really gave it much thought mainly because it didn't effect me directly. At least I thought it didn't until this past month when out of the blue I start texting any old acquaintance whom I happened to find out had feelings for me. Now, I am a human being and its was fluctuating: however, the whole experience left a void inside me. I believe its because of this whole notion of missing and murdered indigenous girls and indigenous women had no direct effect on me.

As I've mentioned early I buried a young man last week and with his family knowing my connection with their sisters. All of the sisters I helped bury. Imagine burying your best friends year after year wondering what could I have done to prevent them from their addictions. I didn't realize that it's gotten to the point where I just don't say sexual abuse anymore or childhood trauma. It either fits in both categories or one or none. I am just emotionally exhausted.

From hearing about a woman writing her thesis on the Indian Act's negative effects on indigenous women to listening to trying to understand intergenerational trauma. I got into the notion that we as indigenous women automatically respond. It's the say "oh it's the old boys club." It's the same for women. There is a sisterhood out there who've raised their children on their own and who've managed to become quite successful; however, as much as they can describe an indigenous man's dysfunction they can not see their own behavior.

This is what I've run into this past month. I've tried to understand this own notion of what does it mean to be in a healthy relationship. This is a discussion women in general about their own sexuality. I am fortunate to have in my life a very good healthy male friend. There's nothing sexual about this relationship. We've know each other for years. And, as the years have past, I've met many successful indigenous women who've come to me with a question. In whatever question they ask me each has a void in their life. Like I've mentioned I've left like there is void left in my life this month.

We all have a need to belong. It's whatever this form of belonging is associated with that is important to the individual; however, many women do not have a strong healthy male not matter if he's indigenous or non-indigenous. I believe it's that childhood father figure that we bonded with our dads, brother, uncles and grandfathers. Most women like I've mentioned have raised their children. As I've said these indigenous women are highly functioning individuals who are quite independent and love their independence. It's just that they have made time for their personal sexual life whether if its physical or emotional. They believe they have a male friend yet that male intimacy is missing.

Now, when I say I've a void in my life, its not the same type of void. For me, it's my own expectations or lack of insight. I know I've been told that I write very well and that the topics I write about are very clear. I am told that I talk about behavioral addiction so easy. I know that it would take a entire book to describe my journey. There just any simple answer to healing. It takes courage. I just didn't realize. So much has and continues to happen to us as indigenous people that we sometimes get ourselves into a rut.

I mean, its easy talk bad about someone. I've tried to warn people about someone whom I thought wasn't of good character. And, in the long run, it never pays off because as human beings we will go and talk ourselves into believing our own truths. This is where I believe we've done wrong to our own people. This past month, I made contact with any old acquaintance. The person who put me into touch with this man never warned me about him. Yet, she's found it in her heart to be judgmental towards him. I haven't had the heart to tell her how nice he was towards me. He made me feel good about myself and I believe I helped him feel good about himself; however, I listened to my friend.

I know we live our lives feeling our way forward. People come into our lives for a reason and this acquaintance stirred up something. I've met various men in my life who stirred up feelings. I've found that they given a life lesson for me to become a better human being. I have not regrets in all that I've written here in this blog as it intended to be only seem by only a few indigenous people. I didn't realize I'd have thousand of people over these read about me being an indigenous woman. I never really understood what Creator had in store for me. As I've said as we move forward Creator put people in our path to either block or ignite us forward.

Most of this blog was on how a very charismatic Lakota man managed over three decades to block the emotional progress of so many indigenous girls and indigenous women. And, for the most part I've focused most of my efforts to just deal with the voice behind these warnings. It's only natural that this blog would evolve into something else and with the help of so many invisible hands and those of my intimate friends, I am so very grateful to all those men both indigenous and non-indigenous men who encouraged me to express my feelings about this very touchy topic.

Not many indigenous women would admit they lived with a behavior addiction and a personal disorder, or even share their innocence about certain topics. Yet, this is what I've done. I've done this so that young indigenous girls and young indigenous will know that looking after your mental health throughout one's life is so very important. Yes, I started my life experiencing family violence and at a point in my life I found the courage to reflect now it was that I wanted in my life. It was easy. I thought I couldn't do it. Yet, it was grief that helped me through my most difficult times. It's taken decades for me to realize that my behavior addiction is eliminated and my personality disorder was based on this self-defeating behavior. I had measured my success not by the opinion of others and now I've found that I was denying the most human part of belonging and that was being accountable for my very own thoughts.

This month the feeling I've felt really questioned things. Mostly, growing up I heard indigenous men say that I sound like I was a bitter woman. I've had women say that I was bitter. Is it any wonder why most women don't talk about how they feel when there is someone there to discredit you. Well, this is what I did to this old acquaintance. I appreciate everything we shared. I am just very fortunate that I have men in my life who stood beside me as I talked about my feeling for this acquaintance. He deserved this respect. I won't go into his life only that it took him a lot of courage to tell me had lived with regret in not telling me how he felt about me.

We as women, we met men who are interested in us. We, go through our lives either living with regret of having loved a man who really just refused to be with us. I generalizing here. I am just mentioning this because I don't want you to think I am against healthy relationships. We see them yet we refuse to clue in that these relationships are based on healthy boundaries for one another, a common respect.

We all think or believe we are giving out good advice when really at least for me, I give what I can with an intent that its their final decision. My late mother would say; first you have to learn to love yourself, then you can love another; then the world. With so much happening out there in this information age we need to protect our senses. We need to think about what is it we are doing to ourselves and others. I just wanted my male acquaintance to know that he really scared me with his forth rightness about his feelings. I didn't expect to find someone who was intent on setting things straight with his past feelings towards me. I regret listening to our friend. It wasn't fair that I listened to her opinion of him. He was a stranger to me after all after decades of selective thinking about him.

My experience with philosophers and academics wasn't  this personal so quickly. As an elder, we are not perfect, and we live trying to move forward in a good way. Life is too short to live with any regrets. Whatever void this acquaintance has left in my life is my own doing. I just had learnt the lesson he was showing me at the time. It's a very important lesson. This male energy is any important energy. If I hadn't had such male energy in my life I wouldn't have been able to step back and rethink. Just as most of my practice, I've seen so many accomplished indigenous women unhappy with their bondage or lack of freedom over their female sexuality. They tend to over think this male energy as a having a motive. I may not have a good relationship with my brothers, and that's their fault. The closest relationship I had with one brother is gone. He took his journey home last February.

I know every good things that has and continues to happen to me is because of him. I pray daily for my grieving trying to find something to fill this void he left in me. I just don't get it when I talk to other women about this acquaintance they say "look at what you've missed out on" or "you've improve you fortune." When, I am still that same person. This is my reality. I haven't changed. When I talk about any intimate relationship I have with male energy it doesn't mean that somehow my status is being elevated. Where do women get off thinking less of ourselves. I've told these women "it's the other way around." it's from my point of view that my life and the struggles of experiences took courage from within, from a place where I was all alone. Courage to change. As this month it's been the courage to change the way I think about male energy. My  brother's male energy is gone off on its journey and my soul was looking for it.

I believe this is why when I reacquainted myself with an old acquaintance I took to him so easily. I knew I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship with an acquaintance. I maybe spoilt in wanting immediate gratification but this wasn't the reason I stopped corresponding this acquaintance. It was already knowing how bullhead and suborn he was so many years ago and that any effort form me was going to be a waste of my time.

In closing, I just want to say it's okay to want intimacy. It's good to want male energy around you. It's good to respect such male energy. What's important as human beings is to have this energy whether its male or female close by, not off somewhere. It's not an illusion. It's a connection with our conscious self and connection with others. I am grateful for this opportunity to write into this blog as  a mostly daily event lately.

No matter what life gives us each day is a new day. Women don't need to be abused. Yet, if men realized what their abuse does or did to the woman they loved, I truly believe they wouldn't dare abuse another woman. Women need to protect their children. If they cut off this positive healthy male energy they're cutting off a life-skill their child needs to navigate throughout their life. In a world that desperately needs these two energies to get along. A child growing up with only one energy will find its way towards this balance. It's apart of our humanity, our basic instincts, our basic human rights.