published 10/07/2020 edited August 11, 2023

Years ago, I fell in love. It wasn’t easy for me to understand as sometimes I thought other women deserved this love rather than me. Every human being has a theory about the meaning of love, and we are in love when we are avoiding pain; however, as in the definitions of “limerence and love bombing,” sometimes takes decades to unravel by fighting and healing from such love bonds. As I am indigenous, I found when I disclosed being in love others question me as if there is something abnormal about my life choices. There’s no regret. It took much sacrifice from me that most would not take. It’s difficult for some to understand if they have not reflected on their own addictions. In my culture words like limerence and love bombing are concepts described in the context of “love medicine” or “having one pulling love medicine on you.” The need to be praised, validated, hugged for play or work as a child growing up is beneficial in how we seek out someone to love. It seems like a simple equation; however, during the pandemic I discovered something about myself. Something I unintentionally buried decades ago. A memory when I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves, as well as being present for others. Intergenerational trauma means knowing those who came before you and for me meant knowing the outcome of my parents and my grandparents. All were not raised by their parents. Systemic racism created by white supremacy to erase all indigenous people off the world to prove whose savage and who’s civilized was a society I was born into by no faut of my parents, nor my grandparents. For years I avoided emotional pain not realizing pleasure accompanies the experience of heartbreak. I am grateful for those life choices I made decades ago. Living in the present means living without creating any regrets from whatever we experience or are experiencing; however, it the understanding of how we heal ourselves. Sometimes, in today’s fast thinking society we think healing takes place like using a magic wand. I truly believe we as human beings can not and not capable of healing without the help of others. It is why traditional healers do not stand alone. They have a community. They have a network of “making relationships” and “being public without fear.”

As women’s rights were then, when I was eighteen, next to nil. I was so young indigenous woman. I didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being any woman. Any woman could not own a credit card or a house. Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I didn’t understand violence towards all women, as I’d see all women including family members coming to community functions with black eyes. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away at eighteen years of age, naïvely thinking I had all the answers. I have no regret in running away as I can reflect now seeing all my peers from my community, seeing what my life would be like if I remained home.

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes called “Indian residential schools.” Listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me as my late mom spoke about the impact Indian Residential School had on her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. I started talking about female sexual responses with a non-indigenous friend. She helped me realize how all women are affected by patriarchy.

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night or caught were SA or caught an STD. Women stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them was normal. Imagine being married never experiencing intimacy, only SA. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages monitored by their husbands. This to my understanding is what was taught in those Indian Residential Schools. This when children are born & marriage vows said before their God in a church. As the decades past, more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand their bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. We hope they support each other in sisterhood.  

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or from 15-24 years old our human brains are not fully developed nor are our bodies. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human beings throughout our lives. It’s also the very foundation of our sexual identity for every relationship we start & finish. Sometimes when a traumatic event or events is happening like war or a violent act, SA. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy through validation. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a healthy relationship with a healthy male friend. A man who eventually did not become an intimate friend. I didn’t realize he was using me as I was using him. As there’s this addictive need to feel validated as a public human being. This male friend sought out my ability to listen to him whether I understood what he was saying. He had friendships with professional people. He said they just would not understand him. It didn’t occur to me I served a purpose for him, a very selfish purpose.

As human beings its important for us to find love, a partner who is your equal. I say and continue to say that if I had not fallen in love, experienced ecstasy I would not have a reference point to keep myself balanced. From my experience of being SA at nineteen and if I had not written this blog anonymously, I believe my perception of normalcy would be distorted; however, knowing I loved a man, loved another other than family was very important once I realized I could no longer be anonymous. As human beings experiencing trauma we feel shame, guilt, and fear of being known. Fifty-two years ago, I disassociated my self thinking I could heal myself from being SA. Unconsciously I blamed all men for being violent in nature and could not see any form of forgiveness for all men. I mention this as an unconscious self-defeating behavior that I suppressed. I even thought after forty-four years I eliminated this behavior; however, confronting my perpetrator in a court room forgiving all men but not him cause what he did was an unforgivable act. I thought that shame, guilt, and fear was eliminated.  I did not go to court to seek out attention or validation. I fought to heal myself even when the perpetrator’s family would not believe I was SA. These two men were serial SA predators. From the RCMP investigations, I was their thirteenth, the youngest of all their victims.

As lateral violence is the new catchphrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. Imagine, knowing that if anyone of those older indigenous reported them, others would be saved. I have no regrets in knowing the bullying, intimidation I received. I learned this year that I was still trying to remain a private person. I sought out validation from others who unconsciously did not or did realize they were co-dependent on my need to be heard or listen to by them. I’d say to these two particular people, imagine that those women who were SA victims normalized SA as a part of their marriage vows. I sought out non-indigenous people for this addictive behavior. A self-defeating behavior that enabled me to be co-dependent on their affection or attention. It was their attention as I had boundaries set down for both. I didn’t realize I did not need them.

When I started writing this blog, I was bullied, intimidated, harassed, and stocked to stop blogging. As I remained anonymous, these threats meant noting to me as I was unknown. Nathan Chasing Horses follower sought me out and found out my name. Nathan had influenced one member of my extended family to give his followers my name and personal information.

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in any relationships out of fear, shame, and guilt. As much of this fear was unrealistic as I did not wrong; however, just as I forgave all men during my court case where my perpetrator was found guilty and sentenced. I had not understood forgiveness of self-defeating behavior I incorporated into my everyday life. I felt comfortable being invisible, being anonymous and being perceived as a knowledge keeper. We have knowledge keepers in our communities. I had to walk away from this delusion of safety in non-indigenous people. I had to trust my core feeling to guide me. Whether you understand or not, the important message is life is worth living. The only person I hurt was myself. I’ve had friends, relatives tell me. I just didn’t understand or was too afraid to follow my heart again. I breaks my heart to realize I suppressed memories of a man I loved. I wish I could tell him how the intimacy we shared guided me throughout my life. I made choices knowing those who came before me may not have been good people. I need to understand why they behaved so violently towards the women they loved. The women who gave them children.

A friend told me two things; one, that once I took this man to court, I would wonder why I had not done this sooner, and secondly, the greatest revenge I could have on those who hurt me was to live a happy life. I wrote this blog knowing these young women would and could some day heal from the abuse of Nathan Chasing Horse. How I knew they have the potential to heal someday was knowing Nathan was not the man he claimed he was. He had no respect for me nor the honesty I granted him, hoping he’d be brave enough to be honest. If anything, my ancestors taught me was that honesty is a virtue. Nathan could not and would never be honest with my step-niece.  This love Nathan had for her was made from violence, a force he imprinted on her innocence. This violence was forced on her and was not given freely nor enjoyed. I am so grateful for my friend and those friends I’ve made since then. I was healed enough to hear what her message meant. My hope is for all of Nathan’s victims that they heal. The greatest gift is to know you had the courage to report your SA and that the other gifts of life are here for you to celebrate, as young indigenous women you are where most of our female ancestors feared to tread.

As women, we are capable of so many great things once we’ve forgiven ourselves. It’s important not to forgive the person who SA you; however, it’s relevant to forgive all men who are not all predators. I no longer regret suppressing my memories, my emotions, nor do I seek out attention. It was an experience I lived, loved, and enjoyed sexual ecstasy. The sacrifice is knowing love once is all I need. I fought off my SA against two very violent married men. I repressed, and suppressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. My memories of any sexual partners virtually disappeared from years of suppressing sexual activity except for that the one love. He saves my life. Recovering memories of him guides me spiritually. A memory that surfaced during the isolation experienced during the worldwide pandemic.  Being honest about my experience with violence at a young age, many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered, I know I could have been a statistic too. My forgotten indigenous sisters were buried under a regime of systematic racism. 

publish 10/07/202 edited on August 11, 2023

Years ago ago I fell in love. It’s wasn’t easy to understand as sometime we think we are in love when we are really in avoiding pain; however, when I disclose this to others there’s no regret. Why? Cause I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves. Year, I didn’t know emotional pain accompanies pleasure. I’m totally grateful for this love of my life. Why? Why you may ask. Cause as lonely as I do get I have my memories of pleasure. 

As women’s rights were then, next to nil I was so young I really didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being a woman. What it meant? Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I’d see women coming to community functions with black eyes & I also my late mom & aunties in similar situations. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away Naïvely thinking I had all the answers. 

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes call Indian residential schools. And, eventually listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me. The total impact it had on their relationships AS WELL AS MINE. My late mom did realize this later in her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. 

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night are raped or were raped. They stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them is normal, cause they knew or had no experience about intimacy. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages I saw.

How can this be so, when children are born & their vows said before their God in a church of all places? As more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand her bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. Or, so we hope they support each other in sisterhood. 

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or your from 15-24 years old our human brains are not totally developed. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human being throughout our lives. It’s also. A foundation for every relationship we start & finish. 

Sometimes when there’s a traumatic event or events happening like war or rape or some violent act. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a heathly realionship with a healthy male friend. A man who became an intimate friend. 

If it we’re not for falling in love I believe & know that my preception of what’s normal would would been distorted after being brutality raped. I responded normally after being raped by suppressing my memories of this horrific event.  However, these indigenous men who raped me were serial rapists & Id been their 17th victim & their youngest victim. 

As lateral violence is the new catch phrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. I don’t blame any indigenous girls or indigenous women for bullying or being cruel towards rape victims. I’ve learned to see the bigger picture that there were many indigenous women who were abused & kept it secret. Mostly to protect themselves for their own abusers, their abusive husbands or absive boyfriends. Just Rto image that these women thought I’d think that rape is apart of their life. It’s part of their marriage that for them is normalized or normalized from decades of sexual abuse. 

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in such relationships. Much of this fear until recently was due to memories surpassed. It breaks my heart to realized that I suppressed the memories of the love of my life. Yet, it because of this love that I had fought my rapists. It’s because of this love I knew what violence was forced one wasn’t freely given nor enjoyed. If I hadn’t know love I’m convinced I probably would have thought what these rapist tried to instill in me that this was love. 

Memory of any sexual partners after being raped have virtually disappeared once I acknowledged I was loved once. It’s still amazing to me how fior. decades I repressed, surpressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. I had remained sexually active six years after being raped with all orgasms surpressed. 

The reason I’m being so honest about my experience with violence is that a young age many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered. I know I could have been a statistic too. I forgotten sister buried under a regime systematic racism. I know I’m healed. I know I loved. I know I survived. 

The love of my life saved my life. Once I recovered my memories I surpressed I realized  what he had given me. For years indigenous women would say to me to forgive my rapists. I told these women that what these men  did was an unforgivable act of violence. I started creating healthy boundaries by not entering into ceremonies where I knew rapists were or were ceremonies being held by other rapists. I found I didn’t  need to tell people why I wouldn’t participate & then I realized as I saw other women also refusing without saying why. I realized I wasn’t alone. 

Really with pandemic...☺️

I’m taking a break from discussing my entire trauma rather I’d like to focus on the way healthy sexual men behave. NCH & his relationship with the men who follow him has nothing to do with being a true warrior. A warrior and s a man who can share everything about his fears he’s feeling. NCH’s relationship with men is totally opposite of how men, true forces of nature, related to their healthy sexual selves means they don’t shut down. They down share women nor do they expect women to share themselves with others. We have to believe that we bond with each other at an eternal level that has no bounds. It’s eternal with no time limits only timeless. Why? Cause when a man needs to live in their moment if the now they know that this could be their last awe ha Han moment. They form bonds of support with other warrior men & women.

Really! How many times must we come back to earth to understand these eternal laws. Well, it’s boys like Nathan who perpetuate these lies & feeds into the fears of women or girls. Well, especially girls, cause they bonding of experiencing their first sexual experience he thinks is making a man. When really how he is. Is a por boy looking for the man who sexually assaulted him. Why else would he never be able to form a healthy relationship with other men, especially warrior men. We have millions of warrior men in this entire world of 8 billion people. Warrior men who share their intimately feelings about all women. Imagine, a man who fears what he’s felt. Falling in love is a scary feeling for men & only warrior men can process these feelings with other men. 

Mostvwarrior men need this cause they’ve been traumatized by a war of some kind. They’ve learned to survive. Believe me as a healthy sexual indigenous woman who loved & still love such a warrior man. I’m dangerous to such indigenous boys who’ve been sexually abused by other men, wither there indigenous or not. This unhealthy bond cause such boys like NCH to exploit. I truly believe when he met me his thought he could manipulate me like so many women my age; however, it wasn’t until this pandemic that I realized that I had such a truth, such a love & such a soul to understand love of a healthy warrior. 

This man, for me, was a healthy sexual 26 year old blue eyed devil. He told me all his tricks and all his lies. He never promised me anything. He persuaded me & we had something more rare than simple exclusivities. What I felt was meta-human that’s in all our DNA. So, now. Know why this boy who calls himself NCH “Smiles A lot.” Shows all his truck & all his lies without ever having experiencing’cabin what it’s like to live in a daily basis with the fear of kissing him life. The man I bonded with had to have been enlisted in the draft at 18 i this meant I was 11 when he went into battle during the Vietnam War. It was 7 years later I’d meet him. Really we were just like children in our youth. This only difference is he was already a combat veteran & I was a refreshing oasis. A place to rest from surviving in the streets of Vancouver as a draft dodger going AWOL from the US marine Corps. 

I needed to reassure you, the reader that there are very few human beings who can voice the difference between why men are the why they are. Men are meant to bond with other men. In groups they share they’re inner most feelings. It’s why at why at weddings there is a best men. I was definitely guided Crwator to met such a devil with such blue eyes. When he walked into the room his bname airy took my breathe away. Our first glance at each other was one of astonishment. He came directly to me as if I was only person in the entire room. As I said he convinced me by the sparkle in his eyes & that come-hither smile. 

On a side note, the psychic powers of combat soldiers is heightened by their ability to survive active combat duty. It’s taken decades for me to realize I had repressed this devilish experience. (I use these words for the sake of Religious indigenousity) why? Cause shorty afterward I was brutally raped. For decades I repressed the true feelings I had with my warrior lover that blue eyed devil from California. 

I know that for some of readers this could be a trigger & I’d like to apologize. It’s this reality that as much as I can say being sexually healthy is truly a blessing it’s also an unobtainable reality. I’m grateful that I can leave my journey at any time with knowing that I was once lived & that did love this blue eyed devil back. In our naïveté we scared each other & im eternally grateful for his companionship with another Marine. As I’m eternally grateful for all those invisible helping hands who supported & guided me to this new reality of what it’s like to be awaken.

This was always my goal was to help other indigenous girls & indigenous women was to validate that we are not just “the other” “property” “ some other’s ownership” or “separate from mind & body” was western society. As Indigenous women we are matriarchs with stronger DNA than we’ll experience than any other lifetimes & it’s price is what we see today.

Thousands of murdered & missing indigenous girls & indigenous women at the hands of strangers or acquaintances for being awaken as any other feral me or male gender. 

My condolences to Nathan Chasing His Horse for not being awaken as a warrior. Ladies there are men out there who are worthy of your love, so please follow & trust your gut. Creator is the great Mystery & love is eternal. We are all connected with this common thread. 

For my followers, thank you for allowing me into your truths, your love & your souls. Wopida  Mitakuye Oyasin 

Seriously

 I thought lateral violence was at bay for me until this past month. The exposure of sexual abuse, ritual abuse & human trafficking is real & dangerous. These predators don’t like being exposed. From Nathan to the lowest followers of any predator who uses smudge ceremonies, sweats & Sundance to his tgeir deviant behavior. These predators have followers who are capable of slander, manipulation & hiding. 

The fact that NCHH is so public doesn’t make him safe. Recently I disclosed & warned a organization about an elder who had a history of incest. I disclosed under the impression everything was being held in confidence. Instead the woman who invited me & others opened it up for discussion. 

I’m mentioning this cause any women. I mean women & girls who actually were raped by NCHH continue to be experiencing lateral violence from his followers. It’s a point in fact that any victim of violence will have any predators’s followers, be there family members or close friends.  This enabling behavior shows a lack of individuals an inability to firm healthy boundaries. The sexual abuse lingers like a bad story. It lingers for years with the predator still finding his or her victims. 

Believe me when when I say male or female. If you ever wonder why women kill their own babies or train their children to be prostitutes. It’s a need to survive. The cruelty they commit in order to please men who have money & power. Non-indigenous women experience this all the time too. 

I’m just trying to get my point across that even your own sisters or nieces of aunties or mothers can enable & support a rapist. 

I’m old enough to know that everyday people suspect or know someone is being sexually abused. I’ve talked about it enough times to the point where people tell him to get over it. The truth & reconciliation of being victims of inter-generational trauma means many dint want to talk about it. 

Fortunately, I’m connected to people who want to help empower young indigenous girls & young indigenous women. Fortunately NCHH’s police record is public access. When I first started blogging this wasn’t public knowledge. Fortunately too, there are indigenous men who want NCHH to stand in court room room for all the crimes he’s done against girls & women. 

We’ve seen how the rich & powerful support each other. Is it any wonder the money & support NCHH gets from his billionaire friends buys & promotes his practice?

He’s no different than a glorified pimp selling to the highest bidder. You see, we in Canada know the difference between rape culture & prison culture cause we’ve seen what money can do with our treaties. We have legislation in place through non-insured health benefits that identifies sexual predators within our First Nations. It’s our old politicians who know the secrets within our communities. They’ve tried to help solve this problem. 

I’m just putting it all out there for NCHH’s followers to go get an education & to therapy. You do not have interpersonal skills in finding intimacy with any man or men. It’s not just you it’s the entire prices of being welll &!firtger being able to establish healthy boundaries. 

We all have a third eye a part of ourselves that we don’t see. Only  the other can see us. So be mindful of what your thought tell you cause they also reveal more able your hidden self or your third eye. 

In closing, watch the Netflix ‘Messiah’ I believe Creatir also has healthy boundaries. I believe there’s more to everyone of us even NCHH. He was once an innocent child born into poverty like so many of us. I’ve studied him long enough to know that he must rule believe he doesn’t lie. I believe his way of life in his delusional reality is his truth. However, I believe by the time I first met him he was already running, surviving on his fear of being caught. Since then his life his one of being a paranoid delusional man. 

If you don’t believe me ask any crown prosecutor how their clients behaves when standing before any judge. They are afraid of witnesses & are prepared to sacrifice anyone near them. Their own being is self preservation. 

Look up history on how women killed children in WWII or look up Indian brothels in India were women sacrifice up their own children for prostitution. Each looking out for their own self Preservation. Look up how indigenous people the same thing to feed their children. We are capable of dining such horrific things for self preservation. Some call this dark magic. 

Remember or look it up, for five thousand years the Egyptians practice magic. There’s a historical site where people made their pilgrimage during these 5 thousand years. Here one sees the ceramic pieces left all over the ground where they left their offering in these small pots. All that remains is the shards of colored ceramic pieces for miles. Today we are NOT advanced enough to even built a pyramid. 

I just wanted to mention this so that you are aware that we are not far removed from our ancestors. We enable people to practice dark magic. In psychology it a realm of behavior patterns. 

That moment when everything becomes clear

Aging: it difficult not in the sense of body aches & disease rather it’s losing friends or a acquaintances. Yes, there’s death in this loss; however, recently I’ve seen another type of loss. 

As a young woman I wasn’t equip with life skills to physically protect myself or even emotionally understand sexual assault comes in many different forms of sexual abuse. 

Until recently, I reconnected with an old acquaintance. We met as teens & he was a very angry teen. Today he’s still angry. When we reconnected he admitted to me he had liked me very much but regretted never telling me. (This is his version) 

I explained the numerous times he was mean to me & that I was interested in knowing more about his life. He’d joined the RCMP then went into law school finding employment for Justice Canada. He had also drank himself into an unhealthy lifestyle. Had since lived through four heart attacks & from my observation over time realized he suffered from other ailments. 

The reason I’m disclosing his story is that whatever he was in his former self he was now lost. Lost in the sense of short term memory. 

For me, the event that stood out for me as a teen was when he groped me. As I’ve said I didn’t know the whole extent of sexual abuse. Decades went by I’d think about him & he admitted he also thought about me. 

My child’s mind could process he had tried to rape me. Yet, now I look back in his life in was he told me. I couldn’t quite get my mind around it. Then, because of an article I read about a obstetrician sexually assaulting his patients. One of the patients recalls how she felt if she had ever been sexually assault she’d yell or scram out. It took her awhile to tell her husband. 

For me, this acquaintance tried to rape me. As I realize too that there’s a class action law suit against RCMP of sexual harassment in the work force. I began thinking I was probably his first attempt at sexual assault. As he disclosed in his drunkenness he couldn’t remember what he did or had done. This was all during his academic life & employment history. 

He refuse to move back to Canada cause of racism here; however, after reflecting on my experience with him. I’ve come to realize he’s probably got other women who he’s sexually abused. 

The problem here is his brain appears to be be damaged from all the alcohol he consumed. Any reference I brought forward to him about what he did to me he denied. His memory of his groping never was from his point of view a boyish thing. 

Why I say I am losing friends. I mean in his aging he’s lost apart of his younger self. It’s not Alzheimer’s or dementia. His anger is still apart of him. His attitude towards indigenous girls & indigenous women is still the same. I’m all the better for not having him as a friend. 

When I first text him I left deep sorrow as I’d lost someone. It’s not until recently that it’s that boy I knew whom I thought ‘needed a break.’ Many people felt this about him & helped him. It’s breaks my heart that the anger that he carried from his childhood still drives him. I just didn’t want not to see or admit to myself what he had done to me. He claims I’m the only indigenous girl he ever liked. 

I believe it’s even a deeper issue with all women. Now that he’s elderly all his abilities to hide his true self is fading as well. 

I’m not saying is entire life is tragic. I’m just sad that I’ve lost someone I knew. He’s here physically but whomever he’s trying to be only make him angrier and angrier. 

I hope whomever reads this thinks about what alcohol doesn’t to the human body. It kills women faster then men; however, for men it doesn’t effect their bodies like it does women. It effects their brain function. 

I encourage the youth in my family to not drink or to stop drinking. I encourage them to seek mental health counseling. 

My acquaintance was a vibrant young man when I first met him. It’s his unresolved trauma that effected his entire life. 

At the time I reconnected with him I didn’t fully understand the grief I felt for him. It obsessed me. 

It also ended with any doubt about who I’ve become. I have a voice. I’ve been responsible for my own mental health for decades. Creator blessed me. 🙏🏽

So many things happen to change how people see a predator

 Apparently, much has happened with Nathan as seen online. He’s gone underground. Rumors of him being a millionaire for me is an exaggeration. As the back child support he’s had to pay over these decades is in the hundred of thousands. The crime of living off of the women he has in his cult is noted. One of the ladies has tried numerous times to get total back child support & that only one of over ten women she’s abandoned. 

I’m making this short, as for me it’s the reality of the whole issue of Murdered & Missing girls & women..indigenous women have struggled to find their voices & on the brights side of there is a bright side is. The majority of the women who’ve left his cult or who were victims of his rape have healed. They’ve found their voices & are continuing to help other victims of this guy. I don’t call him a man cause he’s pedophile incapable of loving a woman his own age. His addiction to control women stems from his upbringing. As in all case, a submissive mother. It’s not not uncommon for indigenous to not have a voice & totally relay on their husband’s word. This control over a woman isn’t healthy. For a bit to witness his women were silenced is it it wonder why he is who he is. 

The difference though in each generation is that there is support for women with other women. I’m grateful for most of his victims who found new lives in their lives. For some, their emotional abuse was so horrific they remain in & out of State hospitals on suicide watch. 

People like him trying to silence their victims is historical & is now only being understood. 

It is possible to regain or find your female voice. It’s possible for so many girls & women to know there’s hope in recovery from abuse. 

I’m not perfect, neither  are so many of us. The difference though is in the quality of education  & the quality of life. The hardest thing for me over this decade is to face the reality that Nathan has destroyed so many women’s lives. It’s bad enough we face racism & discrimination from white supremacy. It’s bad enough indigenous women & girls are being hunted but to have our own Indigenous brother (Nathan) hunt is too. This is why I starting writing about him. Yes, there are many like him; however, he likes to think he the only one of his kind. And, maybe that is how he justifies his perversions.

I know there’s a problem with is. There’s a problem in trusting each other; however, it’s possible to have an intimate relationship with a married person. A relationship that is not sexual nor abusive. It’s possible to be accepted by their family has their parent’s friend & with the husband or wife knowing they have a trusting  the friendship, relationship.

Throughout the decade I’ve had an opportunity to talk intimately with some very successful indigenous women. As we live & breathe our culture it’s impossible to find such a make companion who has strong boundaries. As it’s an understanding of friendship. Not a business friendship but rather a friendship where both parties he’ll each other. 

This is where Nathan abuses so many young women who don’t have strong boundaries. For most, they started off being manipulated into thinking their friendship with Nathan would have strong boundaries only for him to cross them by raping them. It apart of rape culture, so is it any wonder why so many successful indigenous women don’t have an intimate  non-sexual companion in friendship. A healthy friendship is one where your friend’s spouse knows you & his or her children also knows you. It’s trust!

So, the blessing in finding your voice is being able or allowing yourself to be intimate in a safe & protective relationship. I didn’t realize all the things I would learn about rape culture & prison culture. So, be safe &do protect yourself. People tend to become laterally violent when you or anyone speaks their truth. 

Nathan for all the exotic narcissism is incapable of forming an intimate non-sexual relationship. He cannot help himself as it appears for his lust for virgin & submissive women only wants to control them. All you need to do is ask yourself to r realize he’s a product of being raised in a rape & prison culture.The shame he’s hidden so deep inside himself may never be healed or for that matter be cured. 

It takes sacrifice to break this cycle & many have become educated & heslht who were raised in such an environment of genocide.