Good morning. Today is May 17th, 2024. Today it's snowing
and raining at the same time., here in Tsuu Tina First Nations. It seems like my
pod logging has turned into more of a journaling. Within this past year. I've
just had some time to reflect. Yes, a lot of self reflection and a lot of
networking. Acceptance of the reality of things I can not change. I've been
very fortunate, blessed to have so much abundance. Invisible Helping throughout
my life. Its been quite a difficult year.
Everyone has issues around trust. It's part of the human
condition. I've written about two acquaintances. I didn't understand how I
became involved with these two individuals. Until I released them. A lot of
people when they think about therapy or just finding someone. We forget to
understand why we establish such relationships. This experience made me a bit
skeptical on mental health workers who come into First Nations communities.
One person I knew for 30 years. Ironically. Even though I
knew him for 30 years, I still didn't truly trust him. These past five years He
seemed to be demanding more of my time. And this time meant that he wanted just
me and him undivided attention.
The other person, I knew for about 15 years. Within a few
months the demands on what she wanted seemed Irrational. A little history
behind these two Is that they both know each other. Throughout the past decades
trusting people who would listen and not judge me regarding my efforts to warn
others about Nathan Chasing Horse was needed.
The first was a fellow, was a therapist to most of the
leadership in the Treaty 7 area. For decades. In the second, she was a
therapist who engaged with a lot of survivors of Indian Residential School. The
first was m therapist over 30 years ago. And the second, was my recent
therapist.
I'm not trying to be cynical about their credentials, only
that these two individuals when I first met them got paid to listen to my soap
opera stories. And therefore establish trust through a monetary space or
exchange. This is a big issue into why I'm writing this short synopsis about my
experience with them.
It has to do with trust. It's one thing to understand what
trust is, and another to step back and think of their trust was based on an
artificial space. The relationships based on an exchange of goods. I'd like to
believe that they weren't pretentious; however, boundaries were crossed.
A little history about myself when I took psychology courses.
I submitted essays on self reflection. I wrote about my trauma. I learned by
doing so my professors remember me. As a student, I saw this salacious gossip,
soap opera stories were excellent enough to receive good grades. Even though
this seems like an artificial way of establishing trust, I fully did not
understand. it was a practice. A practice in academics.
I didn't understand trust. In self reflection, I didn't
believe I understood or had the skills to establish trust. Why you may say,
maybe it to do with the phenomenon called, White Adjacency. Being in the presence
of someone who can protect me or testify that I am trustworthy. It is also a
form of self-isolation from others. You are afraid to trust others cause of the
lateral violence, maliciousness within the realm of the salacious gossip created
around family violence. You're afraid of the people you trusted the most who are
now stocking your every move.
I believe people are so enmeshed into this codependent behavior
they perceive it as normal. We see the bigger picture on the world stage when
we see countries, governments dehumanizing groups of people. We numb ourselves because we know we live in
such communities. It is an environment we were all born into; however, as
adults we can make change happen.
I'm not giving advice for people to leave their therapist or
distrust therapy. I'm just talking about my own personal experience. Most will
never invests so much time into the study of self in psychology. When you, know
you have to release someone that you love; When you, have the confidence to
build new relationships; When you, confront your fear. You're ready acknowledge
how grateful you are for an experience only then can you move forward; however,
trust is in the balance.
I thought I understood trust. I had the building blocks. I
wanted to trust Nathan Chasing Horse. It was his inability to listen and his inability
to take instructions. Much different than a helping professional like a psychology
professor who is trained to listen and is trained to take instructions. Nathan
Chasing Horse would not establish boundaries like how a professional therapist
does. It’s the basic foundation of establishing trust.
I tried to help him by giving him the benefit of a doubt. He
broke my trust within months of working with him. I reported his behavior to
the production team on Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. I confronted my niece in
front of Nathans followers, I told them what she had disclosed to me months
prior to their sweat lodge. Nathan was not there to defend himself; however, I
tried to stop this group from attending Nathan’s Sundance that summer.
A little history about supporting sweat lodges and Sun
dances comes from addictions to alcohol an drug abuse. For decades, addiction
counsellors used these rituals and ceremonies to support recovery and prevent
relapse of their clients. It is the core reason my family supported my bothers affiliation
with Nathan Chasing Horse. It was the core reason I volunteered to help teenage
girls. Their moms were desperate. Stories of these groups of teens venturing
into the City of Calgary was dangerous.
Throughout the decades, many of Nathan's female followers
would warn me.(They didn't trust me rather they had their own narrative) Telling me that Nathan knew about my obsession with him and he
knew I was stalking him via my blog. It was upsetting and ironic that they
never asked me once why I first connected with Nathan. They had no trust in me.
It never got to the point of why I initially networked within my community to
establish Nathan here. It was not for lust, limerence nor jealously. It was for
the teenage girl. If anyone wishes to understand why I specialized in youth. It
was because of my own lived experienced. I lived experience I still share to
this day to indigenous youth groups within the City of Calgary.
His followers did not want to see the years of study, the
years of working with young people from all walks of life, nor did they want to
see an educated indigenous woman. It difficult to write about Trust when for
decades and decades to come people will continue to discredit me. Writing this
story, these soap opera story is like THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.
It is ironic. Decades went by with me not owning my own
skills set. Grounding myself, loving myself in all of my personal flaws, is a
work in progress. Rest assured, I understand Limerences, traumas and trust. Hoping
Nathans female followers will heal and will reflect on how they treated other
indigenous women who warned them about Nathan. It is no easy.
It may seem difficult to comprehend. And I'll try to explain
it as simply as possible. When I wrote my psychology essays. I didn't ask my
professors to pay me to read about my trauma, nor did I ask the police I
reported the sexual assault to for payment. A crime was committed against an
individual. I confronted my trauma in the courtroom giving it a name and
bearing witness to my rapist that he hurt me. Did I ask anybody to pay me to talk to the
police? When the 5th state approached me, I did not ask for money. However. The
feedback that I got from various community members was asking if I got paid or
if they were going to get paid. From my own lived experience, I said it would
be unethical.
In hindsight, when reflect on what I wrote here this morning
by mentioning these two individuals earlier about monetary exchange. It seems
like if one is a victim a monetary exchange
must be established before any discloser, or idealization of something monetary coming from this exchange.
Maybe its a colonial mindset, voyeuristic look at salacious
gossip that it stops being salacious when money is exchanged. I really did not
understand this concept fully as its all based around trust. My perspective on
how people Trust versus distrust through an Indigenous len.
