FEAR “Will anyone care?”

‪Never really understood until now about the fear of telling someone & they not believing. ‬

Decades after being raped I’d told my story it seemed hundreds of times with nobody believing me or it seemed they didn’t know how to help. Until, one day a new friend asked me "does your rapist know he or they hurt you?" 

All those years I thought in some naïve way that I thought I had by talking to acquaintances; however, in reality they didn’t believe me. 

In reality, I needed to face my fear. I needed to let the surviving rapist know they had hurt me. Nobody knows the agony of the seven year investigation until the court date. People thought I did it out of revenge. Despite my efforts when I’d tell people I was doing it for my own healing they didn’t understand. I hope today there are more people who start to understand this fear. A fear of people not believing your truth. 🙏🏽😪🙏🏽

In some ways writing this blog is a form of writing openly. As I keep myself Anonymous so people so people don’t judge me if they knew me. I’ve written my truth in this blog; however, there’s been a need from within myself to overcome this fear. I believe we all have this to some degree. I just didn’t understand where it from until I listened to this man’s story. 

Ron Gosbee isn't Indigenous, but as a child, he was one of a small number of white children who attended a residential school. youtu.be/SyVrohwsHX8 @JorgeBarrera

Last night:::

After a day of picking chokecherries, me and a cousin sat and talked for hours. She knew about a metis family that I was curious about. She thought I was thinking about a possible future relationship with an educated metis Guy; however, after everything was said and done she realized I was just curious. We all can find something disturbing about our families. 

It may seem strange that my curiosity about violence in homes and how the long term effects of this type of trauma has had on adult children applies to me.  

I use the analogy of a tree growing with a firm rooted foundation. I tell people image that at the base of our skulls the brain stem are these roots. As our brain develops just like a tree branchs or vessels spread widely throughout our skulls. I say that the amount of branches determine our synaptic memory or storage for information or response to survival. 

In any case as Human being we develop these imagery trees within our skulls as apart of human brain development. The analogy of a healthy developed brain is based on whether a child has experienced trauma. The less trauma experienced the greater amount of branches. 

I know it sounds strange to use a tree as an example; however, I use this to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. So, when I meet adult children of violence much comes into play. For the most part I had thought about alcohol & drug abuse involved in violence as recently these past few decades it been an increasing common experience. 

But this turned out not to be about not just violence when one or both parents are involved in violent behavior around growing developing children. I’ve used my own life as a self reflective model. As a comparison to base a scale of how much trauma I experienced as opposed to others. 

Boundaries also came into place as how children were raised. As in most violent himes where the father was violent towards a child or the child had continuously was targeted. In most case when a person is intoxiated most will not hid their children from witnessing such behavior. My late mother protected us as much as she could. As a result of this I’ve realized how fortunate I was. My late mom came from a matriarchal way of thinking. 

Households were patriarchy took hold meant the wives within these household were too frightened to hide their children. There were no type of boundaries established to help guide the child or children. In hindsight I can see why one of the guys I studied said “I don’t believe in boundaries” it’s because he never saw such boundaries as a child. 

Or for example, I’m gifted. I’m very talented; however, it’s difficult to believe that this comes from wanting to be accepted. As my late mom wasn’t a nice to me as she was tobtge testbif my siblings. Yet, my siblings saw the two of us as close only because we both worked on each other. In the end we learned trust. It’s because of this trust that I was able to do my art practice time without self judgement. 

Sometimes when I write I forget to let my readers know that much of what I write about took years of self reflection. Self discovery for me is a lifelong Journey until I go home. So you may be wondering what does this have to do with obsession or passive aggressive personalities. As it is, staying focused during a conversation so as not to be passive in the conversation takes practice for me as well as becoming aggressive in my use of descriptive narratives. 

Okay I’m wandering, my result from last night’s conversation was a break through. This only happened cause the woman I was talking with had worked in these northern communities. I’d heard about violent violence in home as being extremely common; however, when it comes to the politics of children I become very serious. 

For me, it’s important to elect people who were never abused violently by the patriarchal fathers. The violence experienced by these children mapped in their behavior. Just like that tree I described earlier. The more or the extreme violent acts done to them determines how well developed their brains branched out. How reflexive they are to adapt non/violently or process abstract concepts about violence and healthy boundaries. I know I sound dry and clinical; however, our indigenous children are depending on us to know what good leadership is when we see it. 

Being educated for me has come with a blessing of sorts in that people only see what they want to see. Much of the indigenous people I know are educated; however, it’s their early childhood experiences that separate us from the rest. I’m not saying these men are dangerous I’m just saying their capacity for validation certain things isn’t there or it’s there but difficult to access. Much like a person with dyslexia who has difficulty reading. It’s something that can be managed and used but that it takes a great effort than those didn’t come from violent homes  in childhood. 

It sounds like I may be confusing you the reader; however, let me reassure you. These educated people are complex people. We all are complex. The difference is in the experience of intimacy. I’m not talking about physically sexual intimacy rather I’m taking about discourse. 

It frightens me to think how a human being can function everyday doing a violent act in order to feel normal. As in women becoming violently obsessed with seducing a man or a man stalking a woman or a woman stalking a man. This need to feel normal comes in many forms and shapes. 

As I’ve said, years of dealing with my own behavior and finding visible helping hands guiding me forward and some some not do invisible. 

We all want to be loved. It’s establishing healthy healing boundaries that opens us up to Creator. 

In my conversation last night nothing happens by accident. We are born here & we are alive. It’s how we evolve, how we thrive that cause a ripple effect in this universe. 

I was once told indirectly “he said you think your more powerful than him.” At the time I didn’t understand. Because of this one man who loved me as a young woman. This one man who without knowing it allowed me to connect all the dots around my own childhood experiences around violence. For you see, as much as I had believed I grew up up in a violent home I didn’t. I grew up in a violent community. 

I didn’t need to isolate myself for protection; however, I’m glad I did. If my life is to shed some light on our human condition than so be it. And, to also give maybe you the reader premission to live your life then so be it. 

We choose to function a certain way. Our brains become wired tobrespond a certain way.  It doesn’t mean we can not change. I truly believe change dirs come to those who have healthy boundaries. Even growing up with boundaries of any kind is ver my vital. Meaning boundaries are boundaries whether they are unhealthy or healthy. It when you’ve convinced yourself you have no boundaries that you are truly in trouble. 

The image I went to sleep with last night was seeing a grown man running around his home early in the morning with an axe chasing after his wife. Chasing her as their children hurried into a school bus to go to school. This story told to me by the social worker who had to debrief these traumatized children. 

Image now this man with the axe is the brother & brother-in-law of two retired RCMP officers. One officer also a retired lawyer. It’s the retured lawyer whose the blood brother to this man with the axe. They have a younger brother who is just as violent towards their physically intimate partners. All with the exception of the brother-in-law are indigenous. 

All believing they are better than other indigenous people. It’s a frightening reality of what some children learned & continue to teach each generation when they too start becoming parents and then violent grandparents. 

In closing, yes it’s a blessing to be educated. It also hides any deep rooted childhood trauma. As people look for margalized people with alcohol & drug abuse issues, so educated people are seen as healthy cause they’re productive. 

Some of you may understand ritual abuse and the degrees and levels that these ritual occur in every human beings lives. We as adults need to know how to protect our children from becoming such violent creatures or monsters. As we tend to stereotype margalize people by not looking into our own childhood traumas. I believe by having the courage to look into our past life as a child we are helping others. We may not see it cause Creator guides us forward. It’s the prayers of protection that Creator answers. 

And yes, at the time I didn’t know what the comment meant “she thinks she more powerful than me.” meant; however, I don’t see power. I only see guidance through an educated mind. 

It’s a sad state:::

When I was younger I developed an interest in biographies. How a person lived & what things they did that made them unique. I never thought I’d become obsessed with getting some sort of validation. Something that would confirm my suspicions about an individual’s behavior as in what motivated them to be who they became. 

A few months ago I started writing about a fellow who ran away from Canada. I’ve said canada is an a apartheid country. Some say I’m mistaken yet, when I’ve various indigenous people who feel they are a little better than me, I wonder. 

Decades ago, as it started decades ago, I was sexual harrassed and sexually groped by a guy around my age. It’s normal human development considering we both didn’t know how to act being attracted to each other. 

What I’m getting at was that he claimed I was the only indigenous girl he had ever had feelings for & regretted never telling me or acting in it. He said that I’d pop up in his mind at particular times, just out of the blue. 

I was flattered at first & had hoped we could develop a friendship. I’d hoped he would respect my boundaries but he said he didn’t believe in boundaries. The whole process after that all went down hill. 

I couldn’t just leave it alone as needed to know why he had such a negative attitude towards women. He’d been separated from his wife from ten years. He also seemed like he had some experience CATFISHING with other women in social media sites. This made me even more curious. 

So here’s the short of it. He’s always thought himself a little better than me cause he has a little “white” blood in him. This is where the “apartheid” attitude came into play. It’s apparent that a woman with no indigenous bloodline is inferior to me. As a matter of fact this guy was so blind in his arrogance that he didn’t see the paradox he created. 

Every woman he ever had sex with was in opinion a woman he loved. Meaning that there was never ever going to be an indigenous woman he’d ever love. In fact he told me I was the only indigenous woman he regretted never revealing love; however, all woman he loved were “white.” I’m assuming these woman were treated good at first then his meanness would show. His is why could never find happiness with any “white” woman. Yet, after resolving his feeling for me he returned to his wife asking for forgiveness. 

My reality is going the total distance in trying to understand him and his motives. Apparently, he’s more concerned about about having someone he can never have and it’s driving him crazy. Everything he’s ever done was to prove to “white” that he a “Brown” skinned man could have what “whitemen” had. He said he had to prove to them he could succeed. 

It was very difficult to grasp his motivations when my “buckskin” skin was something I’ve worn proudly. After all I am a human being. 

Sadly, this guy comes from a very troubling past. His brothers are monsters causetgeir father was a monster. Nothing can change the violent relationships his brothers have had with indigenous women. Even though he’s never been sexually active with indigenous women there’s that violent influence that has consumed his brothers. 

It’s frightening how controlling these brothers are with any woman they’ve become intimate with; however, cause this guy has avoided indigenous women he thinks he’s in controll. 

Apartheid where isolation from siblings based on who they married exists within indigenous communities. It’s apart of the side effect of systemic racism. 

Everyone is effected. 

Reality though is it’s tough to be him cause in order for him to heal he must face this reality. Violence surfaces it’s ugly face no matter how much energy one puts into believing they are controlling it. 

As a result of my research into his life and his lifestyle, I can serious say Creator has had my back for protecting me from such a guy. I’ve heard of horrible violence & I say away from adults who tolerated it for years. The lesson I’ve learned is a person can run away from Canada but their personal life can not be hidden. Creator finds a way of making us accountable for our actions. 

Sometimes when we get older if we’ve managed to excel in something great our pasts our made to be forgotten by those who remember. It’s done this way as our youth need a goal or a mentor to get them to believe all this are possible. And, so it is. 

However, my blog is meant to reach and for whatever reason a person finds solace in it. For me, it gives me joy to know that someone is moving forward. This means nothing negative is holding that person back into evolving. 

So, don’t always believe what on social media. Do your research by interviewing people who know people to get the bigger picture. Once the picture is complete the obsession is finished & laid to rest. 

As it’s not in my path to understand someone else’s shame or for that matter take my magic wand waving for that shame to vanish. I must cut & slice the string that kept this energy stale or dormant. 

🙏🏽💕🙏🏽

When someone grows up in a rape culture ::::

I believe we tend to think sexual harassment & sexual interference is normal behavior for men. And, it’s not just women thinking it normal it’s men as well. As I’ve found over these decades sometimes older women still hold onto the addiction to relationships. I see it in female politicians who are not good leaders. As there’s something to be said about this as females wanting someone to control us even if it’s a female politician.

 In some cases, in extreme cases, just look at the masochistic relationships young girls get themselves involved in having an older female friend. As for myself I didn’t know I was bonding with older women as if they were my mother. I thought they had wisdom about living life and could teach me. It was a safety net. My friend looked after me when we went out clubbing. The only thing is I was so caught up in my own sexual activity I didn’t see my friend as a sexual being. Yeah, she got herself into some strange relationships with men. I even gravitated to female peer friendships were there was a alpha female in our little pack. It wasn’t a gang cause they were all sisters with me being a second cousin to all of them. 

Well, the reason I’m mentioning friendships is because all of my female friends have gone home. Each one taught me a lesson as I had quit certain behaviors I thought were damaging to my health. They continued self harming behavior for decades. I really don’t think they understood their own addiction cause they were heavy into drugs. I believe I was spared cause I just never got into a sexual relationship with harden criminals like they had and continued throughout their lives. 

But I’m going off topic as addiction to relationships isn’t noticed or wasn’t because their addiction to alcohol & drugs concealed tgeir itger addiction. It’s taken me years to understand my own part in promoting this rape culture. Cause I really don’t believe some women realize how active they are in concealing deviant sexual activity. 

I had started noticing how some of my peers were treating me. Imagine if you will an environment where there’s no alcohol or drugs or smoking. I thought I had hit Shangri-La. the problem was my behavior. It’s didn’t matter to my peers that I wasn’t sexually active. All that matter was whether I was a good religious young woman. You see my problem was that I cared what my peers thought of me. My weakness was getting the best of me. 

Throughout my blog I’ve written about as human beings we are the only animals that walk into danger cause we do not trust our gut. Well, without eliminating my own self-defeating behaviors I was unable to step back and reflect. I didn’t have the skill to have strong healthy boundaries. I was basically coping. If some said I was an alcoholic I’d say yes or if they said I was a drug addict I’d say yes or if I was a slut I’d say yes. I made it easy easy for people to shame me or guilt me without any facts. Imtgis was how concerned I was to please people. I was basically my mother’s daughter, my aunt’s niece. 

My behavior seemed normal; however, I wasn’t in my First Nation’s community, I was working my way through university in the USA. I had a full time job and really tried. I’ve never really been a well person and realized I needed to come back into Canada cause I’d get help with medicine & doctors. Living in the USA meant I worked at jobs that had good health coverage. I knew if I really got sick my insurance would be cut off so I moved back. 

So, behavior or self defeating behavior is different than self harming behavior. Although, I believe self harming behavioral does coverup or hid the self defeating behavior. It’s difficult to eliminate self defeating behavior if one is addicted to their own self harming behavior. Like I’ve said, I’ve buried so many young women with self harming behavior. They never got an opportunity to heal their self defeating behavior like me. For this I am truly grateful. And, in some ways it’s a way of honoring such women. Cause I know and knew them as children knowing their behavior wasn’t what defined them in my opinion. 

I write my blog too hoping my story will help others who are wondering about their own self defeating thoughts. And, life would have it I can reflect back over the decades as to what behavior I was in denial about. This is where my gut would tell me a certain man wasn’t good for me. I knew it so I didn’t persue any of these men; however, this didn’t mean that I didn’t thinking about them. For you see, a self defeating thought kept me from letting go. I held onto the thought. Yes, that just maybe my gut was wrong. Silky me, decades went by and different men caught my eye until recently I hadn’t really seen the pattern. 

I person looking in or reading my therapist’s notes would see what the hell I was doing but for me I couldn’t. And, the reasoning for this was I just didn’t want to think or see this pattern. So here’s the spark that lit a light within my soul. This pay year I’ve had an opportunity to reacquaint myself with a handful of people whom I’d befriend decades ago. We weren’t all educated back in the day. So, for me I seek out people who knew me. It’s a vain thing. This way I get to see if I made the right decisions for myself. 

And again too it also reflected his people saw me when I was a young adult. So here’s the rub. A well educated man had admired me. Now, think about this as this is from his point of view. From my prospective, a preception of reflecting my own self defeating behavior into where I was psychologically when all of my peers were together. It’s like having a controlled group. Each one I approached and with each one got an impression of myself. So, this is what I found out. 

I didn’t realized what this highly educated man had done. Cause back in the day he was in grade twelve, eighteen and I was nineteen. He had sexual harassed me. He had sexual groped me. When I confronted him with these alligation he stopped writing to me; however, prior to my confronting him I had read his story. He opened up to me about his life. I want you, the reader to understand that it took months of writing and my reflecting about what he meant to me decades ago. It was in these reflective moments as well as his inappropriate reluctance to respect my boundaries that I dissected. Who I was then. 

I believe to this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong. And really after all that he’s done through involving all the physical and psychological damage he’s done to himself. I doubt if he ever will realize his own self defeating behavior. I had thought being educated & being able to hold a job along with all that an upper middle class life can offer, was the ideal.  

It doesn’t. That same young man I had met who treated me like I was some kind of slut that he could sexually harass me without any reprimand from our peers. The same young man who sexual groped me saw nothing the matter with his behavior. I had offered healthy boundaries and he stopped writing. The disturbing behavior for me was his denial. Apparently, he only regretted not telling me he wanted a relationship with me. 

Back in the day when we were young I knew he was bad news for me. And, this is where it begins and ends. Throughout my life my gut would tell me certain men were not good for me. I’d either play a scenario in my mind "should of, would of and could if:;" it never occurred to me that this was my gut trying to tell me "TRUST ME!!" Don’t obsess on any scenario just walk away. ( yeah! Walk away from dangerous men) 

And this is where that rape culture mentality comes into play. There are so many waking wounded people playing different scenarios in our heads cause we don’t trust our gut instinct. I think and knuwbits because we’ve blamed ourselves. Blaming ourselves for not being able to help our mom’s from being beaten or not being able help a brother from being beaten. 

I know it’s sounds easy and I wish it were. My blog proves it’s not; however, the journey is worth it. I first started wanting to warn people of this indigenous creepy predophile who uses his traditional dancing outfits and his Entourage to recruit vulnerable women. Women who feel or have felt a disconnection from their fathers. For me, I was angery at my dad; however, I spoke to him in intimate matters. "All that glitters is not gold" my father was an alcoholic who hit rock bottom; however, he risked his life for me as a child and that respect kept me thriving. It kept me open enough to see this pedophile fir what he was. The gruel reality is that in seeing this plastic medicine man as a pedophile meant also seeing my brother and brothers for who they were and are. 

Life isn’t perfect none of us are perfect. In my case, I’m grateful for the reflective skills I have. Isn’t this what they teach people who hope to help others is to heal themselves first. I counsel young people to really think whether psychology is tgeir best choice. Yes, we need more mental health workers; however, it’s my opinion that some are all academic rather than spiritual. And in time when young people refuse therapy it’s best to help in whatever way possible. 

I hope and continue to hope my blog helps others think and rethink. I’m not perfect as I’ve said I relapse into self defeating behavior m; however, I don’t stay in the rut spinning my wheels of self pity. I drive out knowing I have these skills to help me. 

ON ANOTHER NOTE dealing with his deep rooted this rape rape is here’s another example::::;

When I woman feels the need to tell me ..."but, I love him.." makes me wonder is it love or is it her addiction to love being like a spoilt child wanting someone others have. When one grows up seeing or feeling a woman’s love for anyone man is based on their addiction to their relationship, I’ve wondered. Are they truly happy? Or do they feel like they’re giving up control to their partner thinking this letting go of ones boundaries is love. I’ve found this interesting when the woman saying this "but, I love him.." is on going into her third marriage. 

I hope the men in my life reflect love, meaning their ability to see such women as having issues of control. It’s not always the man’s fault; however, who said life was going to be easy. 

I’m grateful for my younger brother’s insight into this woman. Decade later I understand his confusion about women, especially this woman. 

So, trust your gut. I know it’s difficult. It can be staring you right in the face. It was told to me through an analogy like this: "when your driving and you see a pot hole and drive right into it. You feel the bump. You continue driving trying to avoid each pot hole. As your driving you start managing to avoid a pot hole until eventually you miss them; however, once in awhile you accidentally hit one. Our addiction to a thought especially a self defeating thought is difficult to eliminate. The morale is that it can be eliminated. The problem is that it takes your courageous effort to succeed. 

It’s not easy to trust your gut. Remember we are the only animal to walk into danger. 💕🙏🏽💕

The indigenous guy who groped me and sexually harassed me went on to marry Only non-indigenous women. Needless to say his actions speaks volume to me, a proud Dakota woman.

Sometimes I wonder

I can see why people get frustrated with injustice and just want to not think about things. We’ve lost bed in a rape culture so much that when a family member gets hurt we just think “oh! They’ll get over it.” When really, we don’t dare think about the consequences of him or her not getting over it. 

Much I’ve written about is about people who were abused in childhood and developed into adults. Some like most of us were depressed as children and never really dealt with our depression. I see this in how my nieces and nephew’s handle their own parent’s depression. It’s so noortant for them not to go into denial about their parent or parent’s lack of coping skills. 

For this reason I believe in therapy as parents bring an awareness to mental health concerns when their children start noticing. If we are fortunate enough the children will get the guidance they need from outside their parental unit. 

As of late I’ve had to think about my own situation and my own thoughts. As most times I don’t write about who I am or why I write the way I do. An acquaintance whom I’ve recently written about had commented about my choices to remain single my entire life. He wondered if was for religious reasons or for spiritual reasons. I hadn’t really given it much thought as I’ve just taken it for granted that I’d remain single. How I got to this point came about over a long period of time. In fact it just evolved, I’d say. 

I’d like to think it came out of depressive state. A state that was normal for me as I saw both parents struggling with depression as well as my siblings. So the next question is if we were all so damn depresssed how did we survive? And here’s the rub or the catch is that as human beings we are continually struggling with some form of depression. 

My lovely Aunty put it this way when I called her about my decision to step back or away from my sister’s behavior towards me and her children. She said all her children don’t get along. Each one as an issue with the next and it’s just that as a family unit we try to get along with one another. And that the whole point isn’t it? This attitude of who do we support and how is it that some people seem to manage when really they’re just coping. 

As the years or this past decade went by I wondered and still wonder how some people manage to manipulate tgeir way through life. Most of the time most people hid their mental health issues by exhibiting self harming behavior towards themselves when their manipulative behavior is not rewarded. 

Most of the time as indigenous people we get saturated with this behavior as it’s so common that it’s perceived as normal. I mean when I was traumatized as the most vulnerable time of my life I struggled to just survive my thoughts. Thoughts that I thought were helping me cope and they were for a time; however, I had to see it first. It wasn’t something we’re someone sat me down and gave me a set of instructions. 

And, much of my blog I try not to give instructions as this method as no purpose in changing a thought. And for me in recent months I’ve had to rethink how I think about my choices. Some say it comes with age this self reflective state of reexamining reason. It really didn’t occur to me that this was exactly what I was doing each time I felt lonely or alone. 

My acquaintance disclosed a personal side of himself only after I exposed a personal side of myself. I thought I was helping him when really he must have been guided to me by creator for me  to re-examine my life. I went through this process of thinking I was healing him when in fact he was healing me. I’m grateful for his insight; however, I had to see why I was thinking thoughts about him, an acquaintance not a ex-lover, nor boyfriend and not even a lifetime long friendship but an acquaintance. 

As human beings we are wired to response to others from our past experiences. It didn’t occur to me that my feelings of loneliness and aloneness kicked in automatically when I realize I am here. It’s the only way I can explain being the moment and realizing my own thoughts are guiding me. 

This acquaintance put it to me as he wrote to what degree he saw me. As I’ve tried over the years to understand behavioral thought within myself I really didn’t cope with intimacy about being in this moment or any moment. I’d thought people sexual relationship has this continuous support but it’s within all of us. We are all gifted. It’s just a matter of how often we validated our own memory of self. 

I know I’m getting deep and such is my reasoning for this post. When I first started writing and writing about a very controversial behavior of a sexual predator there were a few readers who thought I was CATFISHING. I didn’t understand this concept until this year. And, if anyone know about this term it mean creating a false personal to manipulate another person into believing their story. It’s usually done when someone is obsessed about a live interest. 

The person I wrote about manipulated his female followers to believe I was a cougar whom he rejected. I didn’t get wind of this until years later when these women actually contacted me either by phone or email. It was so bad I had one women come in from the USA to sneak a peak at me. It got so bad that rumors of being sued by him was messaged to me. So, I changed his name to just initials. 

The things is my lawyer advices me that if any of his follers tried to pursue any legal action they would have to prove their stories in court. For me this was all fine as the guy has hurt so many girls and women that even his past followers are now his worse enemies. So, really don’t write too much about him now cause he loves attention whether it’s positive or negative his personality disorder won’t allow him to not stop seeking attention of any kind. 

I know for myself I’ve had time to reflect on my own behavior. I’ve a tendency to do such reflection as it’s my only companion along with a few intimate friends. I’m encouraged to by the amount of mental healthy indigenous people who’ve read my blog and continue to read my blog. It gives me strength and hope for our youth that we are all trying our best to get along with each other. 

It does help to seek out elder’s wisdom. I am an elder and I do seek out other elders. We live lonely and alone lives hoping the best for our youth. The young man I first started writing about created such a negative reputation for himself. Take away his regalia, take away his followers and one day he will be lonely and alone. I find it’s this spiritual journey we take that gives us these blessings when we become elders. It how we treat ourselves that is a reflection of how we love ourselves. I have my parents to thank forvthese teaching, as well as all my relative. So, take heed and remember we all all connected. 

Finishing a project

"I wonder about about my life 

Waited then one day forgiveness 

For me boundaries were built 

You living with hate and revenge 

All cease to exist running away

These raging feeling flow deep

Decades flew by evolving

Alone Crying for peace"

Dear Guy,

I know your probably healing your relationship with your wife. I knew you were not finished with your marriage. As I had said: "your married.." besides, your skeptical about people’s psychic abilities, including your own. 

I’ve reflected, I tend to do this with people, generally people are like my own art process. I take a bite and I don’t let go until I see the finished product. 

Well as you’ve guessed it. I’ve seen a finished project. I’m very grateful As you brought back my childhood self that I had forgotten. I had forgotten the strong wild child who roamed freely. I forgotten how to be vulnerable. As much as you saw me being able to talk about my own healing process, as you’ve said by me I’d made it sound so simple and easy. 

I had forgotten the courage within me. I had forgotten how to let go of things I could no longer control. Trying to control what people thought of me, me a rape victim. For these things I’m grateful for your own healing process. A process that I must respected as its your own journey and my own healing will probably go onto my next life. 

I wanted to help you see that hatred and revenge is best served with forgiveness. Yet, it took me a lifetime and your energy for me to see what I had done. 

There’s so much I’ve seen about you that it does me no good to write about it as you’ve said "you’ve done it to yourself.." I forgotten how cruel family can be. I forgotten how cruel I could be. 

Whatever hate, anger or revenge or love I had for you was based on my own trauma or mixed memories. People generally say they’d never want to relive being a teenager.

I thought I had some unresolved issues with you; however, in hindsight, I don’t. There’s nothing that can compare to the courage it took me to move home. 

For years I did care about what people thought about me and for years I couldn’t understand why nor could I ever see the end of me recycling my own story over and over again. 

I wondered what made me telling my story to you any less different. And, it would have been no different if you hadn’t been so honest and intimate with me. You forced me to look at what made me so courageous. I had to revisit why I did what I did. I know you said you couldn’t get your head around it cause I couldn’t; however, I didn’t see what others saw in me. Mainly cause I was afraid to let go of my own story. I held onto it for so long as it served a purpose or so I thought. 

You must understand being guided to deal with my own issues also meant letting go of other people’s egos and my expectations of them. The things I do or did to help people takes me into my own personal inner spaces. These spaces can not be cluttered with my own negativity. My own people depend on me. Creator guides me through spirit. 

Just as I’ve been guided to follow my heart. 

I met with June a month ago. I’ve talked with Marylin. I’ve reconnected with Rick. I’m Facebook friends with Dale. I may reconnect with Arnie once he gets back from visiting his family in Europe. 

In closing, everyday I miss someone or I miss something. You did sense how I felt and you commented that you couldn’t believe someone felt so deeply for you. I’ve tried explaining my intuitiveness. I’ll repeat: "besides, your skeptical about people’s psychic abilities, including your own." 

When people come to me I hope some feel in some way in that someone like me could feels so deeply for them. In closing, I’d like you to think with an open mind and heart in that we are all gifted spiritual creatures. Yes, we are all related in this way. "Wopida Mitakuyepi Oyasin"🙏🏽

Hapan emakiyapi ye 

Predator alert

Just when I think this predator is staying out of Canada he shows up in Saskatchewan dancing. He thinks just cause those 15 years he harmed are now 26 & 27 years old that he’s welcomed back into my community. He wrong. He’s dangerous. His oldest daughter would be 30 years old. 

Why do I waste my time on such a disgusting human one may ask. Well, when I was a teen I was brutally raped by two men. I was so ashamed. It was a premeditated crime involving two other teens who set me up for two adult men. As I tried to escape the two teens just sat there doing nothing. 

So for decades I did nothing about charging these two men or the two teen boys. These men had wives who gossiped about me & built up tgeir own stories. Lateral violence to try and keep me silent a concept I didn’t understand cause I had a child’s mind. I was a teen. 

Everyone just stood by believing it was my fault including my own mother. As a victim of sexual abuse and as a female surrounded by women who only knew how to hide or keep their own abuse silent. I felt helpless. I hung out with women 15 years older than myself just so I felt protected when I’d go out into bars or nightclubs. 

I left for another country and found my voice. I had issues of trust. As in this world of women, each one of us has our own way of surviving. It took me some time to realize people’s opinions of me was none of my business. So you see, my shame and feelings of guilt from being raped had me coping in a totally inappropriate way. I without knowing it cared what people thought. I’d do anything and everything to please my peers. 

It felt like having a scarlet letter printed on everything I wore. It was extreme. Yet, as the years went by and my studies in psychology as well as visiting therapists. I started hearing my voice. My thinking started changing. I knew I couldn’t be totally free until I came home. Home were people thought of me as some scarlet lettered woman whose husbands were not safe around me. 

All the structures I had built in childhood friendship and just older women meant something about my character. I’ve outlived all my female friends. These women shared a common bond that was denying being raped and sexually abused. It was like a sisterhood of women who enjoyed only certain things. As I reflect back I don’t think we could have ever talked about sexual abuse. 

I only mention my background so that you my audience knows that it took me my lifetime to heal and to establishing healthy relationships. Many who read or who have corresponded with me personally do read what for many seems an easy topic to discuss only cause I’ve done the work. I don’t have a magic wand as sexual exploitation still triggers me as well it should anybody. 

There isn’t any safe place for young women within our communities unless its family based. Many abused women married into my community and have daughters.  It’s may sound nasty but who said truth is pretty. These abused women can not cope when their daughters starts becoming sexually active. So, they try to marry them off rather than take responsibility for raising a daughter. And it’s not not women marrying in it’s also the historical female sexual exploitation done within the communities they marry into as well. 

Especially when the female gender is looked down upon as good for only making babies and nothing more. It made seem stereotypical; however, I’ve seen girls 14, 15 & 16 pregnant I’m some isolated communities. And like I’ve said some women who married into our community came from abusive homes. (As result if Indian residential school uobringings) 

I couldn’t comprehend why a woman would give her 15 year and old daughter to a man old enough to be her father. I know the daughter and her peers were getting into drugs but that still doesn’t justify breaking the law. The age of consent is 16. This small group of girls shared or hide their secrets. This cycle of secrecy was starting again. Only this time, I stepped in confront the perpetrator. 

Maybe if I had a husband who stood by me or a brother who stood by me my community would have listened immediately. However, should have, would have and could have didn’t safe the day. For you see, ritual abuse is apart of our human condition. Some people chose to not to believe while others choose to watch and very few champion the cause. And, some appear to champion the cause only to be a perpetrator themselves. 

As the years went by and this perpetrator continues to harm 15 year old girls, he’s got a group of women who travel with him. They do a good job presenting him as a good husband to all five of his wives. Yet, as the decades went by he still hasn’t been caught or paid for his crimes against indigenous girls and indigenous women. 

Keeping in mind, his female followers are just like my rapist’s wives. These women fear for their lives in threats of being beaten. Their trauma keeps being triggered as a way of controlling them. These women got so involved in their addiction to their sexual partner that their stories become all to familiar. Psychologists, therapists, called them social workers too will identify such women by the stories they hold onto. They repeat the story over and over again as a reason to not heal cause they truly believe there is nothing the matter with themselves. 

Abusive relationships tend to condition each other into hiding the true crime. Our feelings as human beings is constantly flowing forward like energy. Trauma of any kind stops the flow or we stop the flow; however, cause it’s constant it takes a lot of energy to keep holding it at bay as it’s never really stopped. It will eventually be released. Sometimes, this release is at our own deaths. 

Healing energy is what allows us to release the blockage we created. For me, writing this blog has released much energy or has given up energy used to block for other this things like looking after my health. Allowing no blockages or as some would say opening up the chakras.

Well, getting back to spinning my wheels regarding this prepetrator, triggered my reasoning for writing about abuse. As it’s not something that I thought what like taking a magic wAnd and waving it over someone’s saying saying your cured or your free. Behavior is not that easy to change. My niece and me we still seek out therapy and I still refer people to therapy. 

But the world isn’t that simple. Our energies are here to elevate each other. This task isn’t meant to be easy. In all the Sundance songs or sacred songs this task is mentioned. For some, it’s only a season, for some it’s a lifetime of exploitation and for others it’s a way of life. I tend to realize we are a warrior society. Each one has a task to keep each other moving forward. 

My understand is what doesn’t help me seeking out the forces of truth, love and soul is blocking our purpose here. So, whether you think this NCH (ChaskingHisHorse) is gifted. Only you can judge for yourself. As for me, he’s a psychopath who owns his women. If our society is so distorted in human deviancy that we elevate a pedophile into a sacred state then what does that say about protecting our most vulnerable. 

Genocide created such despicable humans who morphed into dangerous predators that our indigenous men cannot go out and capture them. Our societies protected us from such shape shifters. I truly believe we are not lost souls rather sleeping gaints waiting to be awaken. We do this by becoming educated and by protecting those we love and those who love us. 

I was full of anger and rage when I started writing over ten years ago. It brought so many memories of being a teen. I felt alone and unable to protect myself. Seeing girls being hurt triggered feelings I had kept hidden. Writing related any anger or rage and I believe as I dealt with being raped. Seeing the surviving rapist go to prison, knowing I wasn’t doing this service out of revenge rather doing it for myself. I think that’s the key. As difficult as it is revengeful feelings are just that and nothing more. 

I’ve had time to reflect back on all the famous indigenous people I’ve met and know. In all my decades walking on Mother Earth anger and rage is a normal human feeling. It’s like surfing on a wave once your on the wave you must ride it through. those who took their anger and rage turning it into revenge are still falling off their surfboard before completing their ride. 

Namesta 

LGBTQIA

This past summer I met a LGBTQIA 17 year old. He disclosed to me he was in love with a 14 year old boy. 

Also, this summer I met a young woman with three girls who might just be a man. 

Also, my nephew is getting out of jail soon. A fact that the entire family had kept secret from me and his sister. 

One of my sisters is going through mild depression and I can not be there for her. I can be there for her daughter. People with mental health issues tend to deny their part in the drama they create. 

I just Find it troubling that people go around hiding who they really are only to end up hurting themselves and others. 

I tell people I’m particular in whose energy I’m around. I think I need to rethink who is dangerous to me and my niece. 

I’ll need to step back and leave them all alone. I need to look after myself and the needs of my niece. Maybe smudge the entire house after what I’ve let in here this past year. 

As things get harder my magic wand stops working and I wonder who will use their magic to change themselves. There’s no easy solution to healing any part of our self-worth without self-love. 

Maybe I need to teach reiki to a few of these people. As I can not force their truth off its path. I can only help them move forward. There’s just the reality of looking at the bigger picture rather than focusing on the negativity. 

After all isn’t this why we are all here again and again after so many try outs into celebrating life and celebration love. As I really miss those that I loved and those who loved me who took their journies home. I know I day dreamt about my older brother. And now realize it’s come down to just struggling forward seeking out three forces in our lives: truth, love and soul. Hoping that when I seek them out I can celebrate each one or all of them at the same time. 

In a brighter note, I’ve still got my artist community to get involved into to help lay a foundation down for other indigenous artists. 

I just couldn’t sleep. It’s 5:31 A.M.  

There are some things we experience as human beings that have no logical explanation.

My first cousin was born to my elderly aunt. She had a child or children before him; however, she kept her previous pregnancies secret. My cousin grew up by himself. Playing with Star Wars figures & it’s music. He was diagnosed as being gifted; however, he was lazy. He lacked discipline. It was best just to let him be. He managed a seasonal job & had a son. 

Why I’m mentioning my cousin is that before his son reach five years my cousin had a massive stroke. He was awake afterwards only to be told he needed surgery to survive. Surgeons went in to remove a black of clot; however, that failed. 

It’s been over a decade now and lives in a nursing home. He unable to walk & he have moment of anger and rage. There are also time when he comes hone for visits. It’s these times that he’s gone into a sweat lodge with his cousins. It’s in these sweatslodges that the unexplainable happens. 

I mean I’ve heard him say things that only I know and insight that are meant just for certain people. My aunt does not allow him visitors. 

There’s the reality of my cousin. When he goes into sweat and sings are sung. Sings he’s never heard before are sung. People witness my cousin sings sacred songs as if his sung them his entire life. This is how he communicates with us. As if there’s nothing the matter with him. We get a glimpse into the life we share with him. 

As for myself, I keep what he’s told me the last time I visited him. 

My other female cousin says to me when we talk about those who are curious about our spirituality. They’ve attended Sundance and sweats thinking they are in a Christian Church. My female cousin said it’s until they become frightened. For some, they have this path to follow and their in denial of their blessing cause they didn’t start from the beginning. 

Even when I say it they can not comprehend what it is I am saying. So my cousin says from my understanding of her words is that they are only able in comprehending fear when frightens by them. It’s when this happens they quit. I don’t wish fear on them as when it happens it happens. 

Bottom line is there re somethings that can not be explained. Guy say he reads up about Dakota spirituality; however, he must read it to believe it. Yet, security clearance in top positions use gifted people. Just lately I’ve found myself writing about sacred gifts and paths we are all walking. 

You realize what he told you about himself was true. So, when someone says something about themselves believe them. Sometimes it take knock on the head for me to wake up.

This year I’ve met people I knew when I was 19 years old. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I just like having friends I can call to talk. I also like having positive male energy around me. 

I’m posting comments Guy made to me. Please read with an open mind as it goes with my topic about what people say about themselves. 

Wow...

I am stunned to read your story. It is an intimate revelation that sets out a life of great decisions. I do not understand why you have withdrawn so fully. A spiritual thing, yet you do not speak of this. A form of resistance. A desire to become a nun. All sorts of thoughts course through my head. you are a bright attractive woman. a lot was taken away from you by the experience of life or the fire that drove us in those days. Do not forget, that we were part of an interesting history in the development of the political face of aboriginal rights....That experience liberated me and made me survive. Tina Clark found me a place to live with her sister and husband and I had a normal life there, finishing high school as a normal person. 

I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me.   

I joined the police for two reasons, a job and a desire to show that I could do it... a Native in one of the hardest training regime. I not only succeeded but I excelled at that. I was a very strong and fierce boy. My troop mates were scared of me. The legend of the savage Indian I suppose and my fury. 

After many years, I quit the force and went on to Law School. I picked the hardest law school of them all and barely made it... I had started to drink then, feeling really lost. The police had also been my home. But I graduated and I still have friends from law school. I was the first Native graduate from the law school.   

I then went on the Article with the Department of Justice and from there various postings and jobs including Indian Affairs. I became an executive there. I was really driven. I married, had children and suddenly discovered that I was still lost. My drive had enslaved me. I was really really lost and lonely as you say, even though I was married. So I ran away. I cowed from suicide, but it was a constant companion with me for a very long time. A fantasy that I did not have to continue suffering forever. Instead as I said, I ran away. To Israel oddly enough. I had had my first heart attack at 44 and I knew, although I survived that my career of advancement was finished. I was still the same man but I was vulnerable at work, so I left the feds on a pension.   

I felt humiliation at being sick. I was not sick, my heart had no consequences except death. Once survived all is normal again but I knew that I was ill, that people said that it was because of my lifestyle. I felt a great deal of guilt.... 

My wife at that time asked for a divorce. While in Israel I had met a married Jewish woman, who stills writes to me as well, and this was the basis for the divorce. I immediately left and came to Europe with my Police pension, my federal pension and my drinking issues. I met another lawyer, a swiss woman, we still write, and I married her and eventually became swiss. She is now in the process of divorcing me.  

About 10 years ago, in Mexico, I watched a movie with Keanu Reeves. In the movie there was a priest who had issues and one was drink. He was targeted by the angels and he went mad. He tried to drink but the bottle he drank from would never get empty. Wow. I saw it then so I quit. I have never had a drink since. I tried a beer and my body reacted once. I got very sick after half of the bottle. I have never wanted a drink after that. 

you know a lot about me. More than I know myself. Even now, I block out my thoughts about what I am, what I want, why I do things. I cannot bear to see them. I see all the things I hate, cowardice is an important one, humiliations, accepting insult and injury without reacting. I love challenge, not because I am made happy, but because I always want to show others that I can do it.. I hated being brown and native. I wanted to show that I was capable. I have been very lucky because I was always the strongest person around, physically and in my mind.   

I still cannot talk as fully about myself as you can. I simply find it too hard and painful. I sometimes sit and cry, trying to not feel sorry for myself for by all measures I have had a successful life.   

I do not want to go back home. There is too much pain associated with that place. A lot of this caused by myself. I realize that another reason that I chose the police and law and responsibility for others was a great fear that I needed to protect myself from myself. I feel very vulnerable unless I have the certainty of discipline, I don’t trust myself to be free. I might hurt someone and then become a prisoner once again.   

wow. I really appreciate what you wrote. I will read it again and try to connect to the points that you have made. 

Take Care 

Guy

There were a lot of things he disclosed about himself indirectly. Yet, the bottom line was exactly what he said about himself. He’s wanted to show people he’s capable. This hate for being a brown native, his revenge, is real. 

Everything that appears to make him look like a competent human being continues to rule his life. I’m grateful he disclosed all that he did; however, his hatred for being brown also meant his taste in his women. 

As a result he’s played his women with his same pickup line. He became rigid CATFISHING using social media to garner women’s attention. As he’s said his second wife separated from him for eleven years until she recently took him back; however, any attempt to deal with his CATFISHING is a worry. 

Maybe, just maybe he’s been CATFISHING his entire life. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad and lonely. 

Lastly, his siblings love him deeply. I believe they would accept him with all his new disabilities. He doesn’t need to isolate and withdraw from us. People who knew him when he was 18,19,20 &21 years old. 

Guy knows I have positive male energy in my life. I will continue seeking out old acquaintances like Guy. Since disconnecting with Guy, I’ve meant two people who hung out with Guy and unlike Guy I will continue keeping in touch. I’ve also met a friend who spent years tracking me down. We too, we’ll keep in touch too. 

Guy hates being brown. He hates being native. Logic says to me he hates me cause I am brown. He hates me cause I am native. Consequences for him is he could never be friends with a brown native woman. My bottom line is he’s incapable of being an intimate friend to an indigenous woman cause we don’t register with him. 

What I remember the most is his statement on hate and revenge: "I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me." 

When I was raped and decided to deal with all the lateral violence against me. Violence perpetrated by the rapist’s wives and their family members. I had to decide after discovering all the hate they directed towards me wasn’t personal rather it was a coping mechanism to deal with their own trauma. After all their wives were accustom to being beaten and presumably raped by them as well. The only difference was I didn’t have to endear what they had for decades. So I realized revenge towards them and their family wasn’t worth it. Quote: "the best revenge is a life well lived." So, I decided to be happy. 

Once I made that decision I knew taking these men to court would be fine. I wanted to move forward without any regrets. As a result the lone survivor who raped me was charge, judged and sentenced. It’s been over a few decades and I am grateful for all those positive women who guided me. 

So, when Guy says he was driven by hate and revenge I could relate; however, My anger for the lateral violence I experienced for decades by malicious women meant forgiveness towards them. I did this by telling the one wife who was still alive that I had no regrets. I told her I knew they saw me unconscious in their husband’s front seat covered in blood. I told her this so she’d know I knew that their first instinct was to help me. If they had not gone into the house and if they had just taken me to the hospital without waking up the one husband of theirs. I would have felt rescued; however, instead they both left me in the car without waking me up. I laid there feeling ashamed in silence. I heard them wondering when would they come for me. Then I heard them screaming and crying getting into their vehicle leaving me in that cold cold car. Apparently, when the woke up the lone husband he took a baseball bat to his wife. She was beaten up and afraid. They were both afraid as it was both their husbands who had raped me. The reason they were together was both these women were sisters. 

Both these women were married into my community. The one sister took the other to their friend’s home. The lone sister went home without the other sister. The sister who was beaten stayed away from her husband for two weeks 

I did I know all this you may wonder. Well, decades past before the woman who kept the one sister for two weeks became my best friend. She disclosed to me that she didn’t know that was the girl who was raped by those two men. She told me what happened that morning after I was raped. This information wasn’t apart of the court documents had it was after the sole perpetrator was judged and sentenced that my friend told me. I believe we were talking about him stalking me after he had served his time in prison. 

Well, getting back to hate and revenge, I lived my life best by being happy. So, when I relaid this story to the sole surviving wife she said that "she saw me in the bedroom with her sister’s husband" I told her about the events following her dropping her sister off at a friends place to concur my story. She could say anymore. 

I did this not out of revenge rather to let this dole survivor know that I had no anger nor revenge towards her or her family. I wanted her to know that I regretted not telling her sister before she had died. I wanted them to know that I knew their first instinct was to help me. 

I did this and now when I see her in public she doesn’t say anything to me. When I see my rapist he doesn’t talk to me. I live in my community where I was raised and raped. Hatred and revenge had no room for me as if I had felt these feelings I’d have no peace and I wouldn’t thrive and survive here. 

Guy’s hate and revenge bothered me. His whole description of being alone and lonely bothered me. I know what I went through. I know the courage took on me to talk with the sole surviving wife. As I reflect back I can now see the courage it took for me to charge these two men with rape. As you see it wasn’t just these men rather it was also the three others who sat there watching these men carrying me upstairs kicking and creaming. It was also allowing these people to cover up such a crime. 

I know these two men could have killed me. I know that as a victim the lateral violence I experienced by people hiding and protecting the rapist is the same lateral violence so many girls experience. 

As much as I’ve tired to support all of NCH’s victims the community as exiled him from here. They are protecting our most vulnerable people from him. It’s just that girls were hurt. My community isn’t perfect. We are just like other First Nation communities. I just can say that our girls need our support. It’s a reflection of bigger picture. Our children’s mental health is important. 

As much as I’ve written about NCH. I must also much he was a child once. He wasn’t born a perpetrator. He grew into it. We tend to create a myth about our rape culture by identifying him as being gifted rather than being in possession of a personality disorder. Just like the wife who created a myth about me. These myths were created as a coping mechanism for those who repeatedly experience trauma. 

I hope my blog gets people thinking that hatred and revenge doesn’t heal you it retards the healing process. A process that some victims may never reach if they can not find the courage to heal. 

I’m not perfect. I still seek happiness. I still seek celebrating my accomplishments. I do know sharing what I know I hope helps someone out there. The point is seek out healthy people to trust with your secrets. 

Guy emailed me. He had nothing to lose writing to me. I had nothing to gain. He, I hoped and still hope finds his courage to heal. 

Be careful of what you wish for::::::::: as it may come true

I’ve heard that saying throughout my life & ive wondered about it too. 

A cousin said sometimes people need to be scared into being humbled. Creator has ways of healing & humbling for those who disbelieve. 

Decades ago a young man wished for the life he received; however, it came at a price. I really hadn’t thought about him for decades until he made contact. Upon so doing he reveals the ego within him that forced him forward. 

I say, forced him forward by implying any movement forward is done in a kind & gentle manner. His wishes came true at a huge price. The price was his happiness & peace of mind. We’ve all met fellow students who’ve thrived to excel at everything to prove they are the best. He had to prove his point all the time. It didn’t matter if he offended someone as he earned his position. 

Yes, as a high school student this guy started creating his spider web. Dreams were caught inside. Dreams of being married to me, dreams of being accepted by his peers & mostly those he grew up with but he lost all that through his arrogance. As one of his peers, we all had hope for him not knowing what decades of hate produced 

Most of us have lived happy lives. Most of us have kept in touch in a positive manner; however, this guy abandoned everything. He’s constantly praising himself. Constantly stressing himself & creating false images of himself. He just really insecure about everything. 

I had thought helps by him would make him happy not knowing, for me, that his unhappiness happened decades ago. As for his age today, he can not undo all those he’s hurt. He’s hurt them at the expense of his ego. I know we all have our egos to battle; however, I represent to him everything that was wrong with being Indigenous. 

Throughout his life he’s distanced his desires as something he dare not feel for fear of losing control and losing control by loving me. It really had nothing to do with me personally rather it was what he thought I represented for him, a wild unbridled Indigenous woman. So, throughout his life he only married white women and cheated on his white wives with other white women. 

As for indigenous women he’s play the CATFISH. Troubling and disturbing behavior that today he’s in denial of participating in feeding his loneliness and aloneness while being separated from his second wife. 

There’s more to this guy as he’s pul it to me, he’s damaged himself. He’s aware of it as so am I finally in complete awareness of the extent of his forcing himself forward throughout his life. For me, I call it self harm. We’ve all done some form of self harm with some mild to extreme. (Over eating, smoking) well you get my point. 

His self harm, he managed to damage his brain. And rather than be around me & others who knew him with full capacity he’s created a myth to coverup his disability. Yes, his ego is so great that he can not bare to be around us lowly indigenous friends. He’s indigenous himself dispite all the effort he’s put into defending his ego. 

Imagine if you must, decades of stroking his own ego & decades of being in denial of his own personality disorder. Cause he’s gone off the deep edge by hurting everyone he’s grown up with as if we are incapable of comprehending his abstract thoughts. 

As for me, I’m not nor have I ever been bright or a genius. I’m not perfect nor are the people around me; however, all that I’ve read about what he’s written made me want to write this post. I’m Anonymous to most people who read this blog so I don’t go out of my way to brag about my accomplishments. 

I know Garry wished for all that he’s bragged about. I’m not too naïve to think all his relationships he was addicted to them rather than actually loving his wives. I know this to be real as I’ve seen it within my own family and extended families. We are all not perfect. Yet, for me and I believe those who understand & value the trust created in any relationship as sacred. 

There is a reason for the saying be careful for what you wish for as it may come true. And yes, Garry all that you’ve wished for as come true. You just didn’t wish to grow old around your siblings or the community that raised you. You’ve never seen them as source of healing for yourself. We’ve all been effected by racism in this world. It’s how we choose to share the knowledge we’ve learned along this way with our youth. 

Garry, you’ve meant a lot to so many people. Yet, you have to see it yourself as I can not nor is it my purpose here. I can not nor do I want imagine me the anger & hatred you carry. Love yourself before you can truly love another. I know your pride will not allow you to answer me nor do I expect it. I’m just putting this out into the universe for prosperity. As some day maybe a young girl or young boy will read this and really think about what they’ll wish for in their future. 

The only regret I have is being caught up in your anger and rage. Regret trying to understand what made you this way & then I realized. This is your story. You’ve had decades to write & rewrite it. I hope it has a happy ending as your siblings love you so deeply. All my best with the rest of your never ending story and thank you for giving me a small glimpse. 

To lie & manipulate people for attention. :::

I’m watching this TV program called CATFISH. It reminded me of my blog NOT cause I lie or manipulate people for attention rather I’ve written about about a sociopath who lies & manipulates others. It’s mint uncommon. In fact, after these past two months I’ve realized that a depressed person can create their own reality to deny their own mental health issues. 

Apparently CATFISHING is about posting a fake identity to seek out a relationship with a stranger. 

Throughout these years the sociopath I write about feeds his followers this story that I’m CATFISHING him. I didn’t realize it’s got its own classification. I mean I knew about obsessive compulsive behavior. 

In psychology class one would say we all self diagnose ourselves; however, CATFISHING can be creepy. Specially when it happens to you. 

Life’s not easy. As it is six months ago I lost my brother-in-law. My sister who had suffered from depression throughout her entire life as gone into denial. She refuses to go to therapy & is making her children’s life a living hell. 

As for me, I’ve had it with her & refuse to be around her. This is nothing knew for me as my siblings tend to think they are kind & compassionate souls. Being children of two parents who went through the INDIAN RESIDENTIAL SCHOOL system, we all got our own issues. 

Anyway, back to this CATFISHING topic. A few months ago I found an acquaintance online after decades of no contact. I didn’t realize what was happening to me. He had disclosed his interest he had with me & when I tried establishing boundaries he said he didn’t believe in boundaries. 

From here on it was difficult for me understand him as I wanted to give him a benefit of a doubt; however, he wasn’t the same person I thought I knew years ago or maybe I just hadn’t seen him for what he was. 

I feel in some ways we tend to believe the best in each other. He had been separated for eight years. Clue: “he’s still married & still hasn’t finalized his divorce.” I think he thought I wasn’t going to help him. 

So here’s what my research uncovered about him as much as he’s tired to hide who he is. And, that’s what got me curious was his obsession to remain isolated & abandoned. We all have stories we play in our minds as to who we think we are & why people treat us the way they do; however, each of us as this struggle. 

For him, Korsakoff syndrome is a chronic condition that surfaces after years of alcohol abuse. Cognitive impairment continues until deaths. “He did say a lot of who he is today he’s done to himself.” At 44, he had his first heart attack so in total he’s had four. Imagine that with each heart attack he’s experienced some brain damage as well. 

Understand this he’s loved by his siblings immensely; however, he refuses to be around them. He refuses to be around anyone whose previously known him. He’ll email or text keeping any verbal exchange limited nor nothing at all. 

One needs to understand this guy’s ego like most of us is based on acommplishing what seems the impossible. So our ego is based on how others see us in this case. He has said “it difficult to see & understand whose he’s become based on hate & anger.” 

For women it’s like “slut shaming” as a female does everything to prove to others that she’s not a slut. For this guy it’s “indigenous male shaming” proving to others he’s not a savage. We all. As human beings try to rise above who we were as children however some of us can not put these behaviors aside. Our egos, as we believe, is based upon keeping our traumatized self hidden or protected from being revealed. 

I’m only revealing who he is cause he needs to know that he’s loved by his siblings & his people. You see, I believe he’s not isolated himself because people don’t like his opinions, I think he’s isolated himself so people like his family will never see his cognitive decline. 

I believe they are willing to forgive & are willing to help him adjust to his new environment. As it is he’s in another country in denial of his reality. In short time I’ve reacquainted myself with him he’s demonstrated his CATFISHING abilities with women via Facebook. He was right in that there are darker secrets he’s afraid of losing control over. 

In the meantime, all those women he’s CAYFISHED are left hanging as he’s trying to make his marriage work. Sadly, he’s got eight years of CATFISHING to deal with on an analyst’s couch; however, like most people dealing with depression he doesn’t believe in therapy. He did disclose that he was trying to live his life single. 

I’m just one of those ladies he tried to create a persona of someone or something that doesn’t exist. I cared enough about him years ago to try to understand his obsession with me then & now. I wish I could say he’ll return home to his birthplace & be around those who love him but his ego is too great a burden. I’ve tried explaining to him unraveling such a protective shield takes years of healing from the trauma that created it. 

This guy was a police officer, lawyer & retired from the federal government. “We are the only ones who can take away all that we’ve worked so hard to achieved.”

My aunt died today

She was the last of my late mom’s siblings. I wish I could say beautiful things about her life; however, for those who didn’t know her she was a beautiful soul. She was quick to cry. She was quick to notice what others owned. She was the youngest & expected much of others to notice her. 

A little history as funerals go. When my late mother died this aunt didn’t speak with me for an entire year. She seemed to have issues with me or my late mom. She never included my late mom in her trips home. Maybe in some sense she was jealous of what needs late mom had. When my first cousin died she again didn’t speak with me for an entire year. Needless to say, I didn’t really trust my aunt not after repeatedly seeing the results of her stories. She even had told me that she really didn’t know my mom. It surprised me my late mom was here living in this city before her. Mom included her in everything she could. 

Example again, my other aunt’s death. This aunt called asking me & my sister’s to help her plan the funeral. This aunt said her late sister’s children were telling her they couldn’t do it. This aunt was up & crying so my sister’s & me wanting help. When we arrived with this aunt I was treated terrible. Every things I did or said was questioned. My sister’s left uneasy & wanted to leave the next day too. I decided to leave as well without attending the funeral. Despite being cousin I felt racism from my own cousins. I never understood why they never made an effort to visit. As we, meaning my late mom & my siblings went to Sioux Valley as much as we could. 

For some reason my cousins thought I was there to meddle. The only person who could have said anything was this aunt. There was good reason for her to dislike me. Not that I was controlling or meddling, I was invited by this aunt. So I was setup up by her. She didn’t try to defend me, not even trying to get us to stay. It seemed like she needed the attention. 

Since my late mom’s death she was at constant odds with me. I’d like to say she was controlled; however, my uncle her husband had much to do with his wife’ behavior. At one point the aunt had said if she were marry again she would marry an indigenous man next time. She said she missed community functions. 

Prior to my late mom’s death we discovered what this aunt had done. My cousins, me & my late mom and another aunt realized what this aunt was capable of doing for money. 

She took over $80,000.00 from her sister. It seemed that her every motive was to make money anyway she could. Her sister was an elderly single disabled woman who had won a court case. We had to explain to her how much money her sister took from her. As she said she received $3,000.00 instead of $40,000 to $50,000. 

My late mom helped explaining the legal process in what she had received. I can only say that my cousins who took care of this disabled aunt once they found out had nothing to do with this aunt. Really, $5,000.00 each for three siblings is nothing. This aunt could have given them something but no she kept it. These three cousins took care of this aunt. In the second court case she would have received $80,000 but instead said she got &30,000, so, where did all that money go was the secret she wanted to keep. 

Like I said, I wish I could say something good about her as she was my aunt; however, a decade earlier my uncle, her husband got legal papers signed over giving his wife executorship over her sister. The other knew once my late mom explained it to her. 

She choose not to confront her as she had nobody to take care of her affairs once she was gone. Despite lasting 10 more years she was lonely and alone. This aunt turned her sister against the three cousins. 

So, as this aunt died this morning, she will not be buried beside my late mom. We made arrangements to help out with expenses; however, her husband will not have a viewing or a memorial service. At least, we are hoping he changes his mind. He seems likely he he doesn’t want any involvement from my late aunt’s cousins. I’m staying out of the loop as this aunt created drama around me. I distanced myself away from her after my late mom’s death. 

My uncle is not indigenous. My three aunties married non-indigenous men. I found their lack of ceremony very disrespectful. My cousins from these marriages are racist. I wish things were all nice and loving, however, all my Late mom’s siblings with the exception of one sister, all went to Indian residential school & from what I understand. They were all sexually abused. I don’t know about my uncle. My aunties talked about their abuse. I’m grateful for the three survivors, my late mom included for sharing with me their trauma. 

I am very grateful for my late mother’s insight & support she gave to her sisters, the one the other abused. I’m grateful for my other aunt who stood by me. . Now, they are all gone home. No worries & no hatred, they are where there’s love & light. I’m truly grateful. Grateful for knowing what their childhood traumas created in them all. As for my cousins, I really don’t have time or the effort to connect with them. Maybe that’s why I seek out acquaintances to see how they are or whether there’s still some connection. 💕🙏🏽💕

Indian Residential schools destroyed families & in my case I grew up knowing who my cousins were on both parents sides. Most indigenous people do not. As I’ve two deceased in-laws who never met their cousins on their father’s side. People tend to think racism is between strangers. I say no. I’ve lived amongst racist cousins. Sadly, they are still racist & alcoholics. 

In closing, I have three female cousins who are the oldest within their families whom are can not all with because they are alcoholics or abusing drugs. I just don’t tolerate substance abuse. I’m still struggle with behavior addiction; however, not as extreme as it once was so very very little my ago. I preach mental health. I realize not everyone started applying mental health awareness early on in life as I did. 

So, for my reader, practice mental health practices in your teens or early adulthood, as the older one gets or the mire a substance is introduced the harder it is to process change. 

So, with all my aunt’s & uncles,  I know who they were was not their fault. As children listen regularly had no choice. As teens they was nobody there to guide them & asmarried couples they learned learned helplessness & self-defeating behavior.