Isolation, grief & chronic stressors trigger my propensity towards limerence & obsession. There is a difference a crush and limerence. Limerence is the intensity.

 

How can you differentiate between a crush and limerence? It comes down to levels of intensity. With a crush on that person, he or she IS NOT on your mind the whole time. from the first thing waking up in the morning to the last thing at night. Feelings you have around that person are seem as being hypervigilant on your part. With a crush you are not hypervigilant, you are not micromanaging however, Limerence you really are hyper focused on every word you have said to that person. You are trying to analyze everything that other person is saying and how you are responding to their body language. Having a crush on a person DOES NOT generally have this intensity; hypervigilant, micromanaging, hyper focused on every word said to that person you’re in limerence over, analyzing everything that person is saying with their words and their body language. (@marriedtherapists) it’s NOT FINE in that Limerence can stop you from being around the other person and how you function around them. I believe it's difficult for an indigenous woman, a woman who as a childhood experienced trauma. I can only say indigenous as this experience was centered around the gathering of indigenous women attending a “healing conference.” I was explaining how so many indigenous women were crushing on my Indigenous male resource person. I told her that I experienced limerence with him. I told her I spoke to him about these intense feelings I was experiencing around him. I wanted him to know that these feelings were not love based nor an infatuation rather were feelings of intensity. I needed him to understand these feelings were surfacing for me and that I had experienced this before. I wanted to handle these feelings appropriately. She said to me that she could never tell a man about her feelings. This woman I’ve mentioned is my cousin. I told her I did and that I still do whenever I have propensity towards Limerence and Obsession towards a human being or object. (@hapankinyewakan) I can see how limerence can be so crippling and socially awkward. I also can see how the person or object being limerent over can also manipulate and hurt the person in limerence with them. (object: gambling or drugs) This can be seen as a phenomenal in a ceremony (object) or adoration of a person in a position of authority. 

My voice means something. White savior complex is a very difficult process for non-indigenous people to process without being tempted to save my indigenous soul. It’s must feel uncomfortable & the urge to convert me is inappropriate. It’s an important topic to understanding our cultural differences when reading my blog. My blog was setup for indigenous girls & indigenous women to read NOT non-indigenous peoples. Inter-generational trauma trigger’s & fight or flight responses over decades & decades made me very self-actualized. Practicing being present & being in this moment or in the now doesn’t happen overnight. 

When it comes to isolation. During the pandemic, I don’t know what I would’ve done without my friend Kate . She was in another province, and we spend anywhere from 6 to 10 hours talking. Throughout my life when it’s come to being isolated, it didn’t really occurred to me that isolation could be a trigger. I think it started when I was eight years old. When I was in isolation, almost dying from infectious hepatitis, double pneumonia. Isolation to being in a secluded spot where there’s nothing but trees under brush, wild animals, and all I had were my siblings and my parents. Are used to see the elderly indigenous people that my late brother and I would go and visit. It’s never occurred to me. That isolation would trigger limerence and obsessive thoughts.

The other trigger is grief again who would’ve thought. And yet throughout my life are use going to university. During my last year, I sat in a circle with my peers and I asked them how many people did they know internetwork, who had passed away in the four years that we were all together. I realized that being indigenous I’ve been around so much death. When we were discussing death, and then I found the majority of my classmates maybe one or two had someone they knew, would passed away within the four years. I explained that I knew at least 50 people either directly or indirectly, who died. again I didn’t know that grieving triggers, Limerence, and obsession thoughts. 

The other trigger is chronic stress. When I lived in the United States, I experienced a lot of chronic stress going to school full-time I’m going to university full-time. Little did I know that it was triggering limerence and obsessive thoughts. I’m going to explain the process for healing for me. I had to leave my community a community where I would have triggered responses in terms of grief and isolation. My late brother would say to me go out and meet people don’t isolate yourself. And but I had to go to another country and experience. Chronic stress. It didn’t really occur to me that I was so comfortable in chronic stress that I would systemically recreate such an environment. I a perfect example of this it would be in February until now. I didn’t realize I was creating chronic stress. Since finding out that Nathan Chasing Horse had been arrested, and I would frequent the casino and lose. I basically was creating chronic stress.

Sometimes it takes something to trigger an a-ha moment. The realization that how long is it gonna take me to understand all these triggers how long is it gonna take me to understand that have a propensity to limerence an obsession. I didn’t know I have seen it throughout my life I think if I had chosen a different path I might not have been Self actualized. That book Edward told the power of now it really means something. To come out of that cocoon or that environment of Nuturing, isolation grief and chronic stress is a very powerful affirmation. Having a propensity for limerence and obsession is nothing you as I’ve been struggling with it most of my life. However, understanding why I’ve been using it as a coping skill rather than eliminating such a inappropriate skill isn’t as difficult as as a first thought.

I don’t believe there’s a cure for this propensity to to Limerence, an obsession only because every person experiences, Limerence and obsession to some degree. It’s the degree that is most concerning. Are use the analogy of having a propensity to think of having sex with a child. The propensity doesn’t become perverted or destructive when it’s a fantasy or a thought; however, from previous studies in psychology, it’s the understanding that once you act on that thought, and it becomes an action that it becomes a point of no return. My propensity for limerence and obsession hasn’t taken me down that path; however, it is giving me some insight in how to spot such behavior and others. I truly believe this is why I was able to spot  Some behavior, a Nathan Chasing Horse that seemed quite familiar. 

This is one of the reasons why I’m explaining Limerence and obsession. This is what one of the reasons why I’m trying to talk about the difference between infatuation and Limerence and why the two are not the same and why one needs a lot of deconstructing, reconstruction and affirmation for it to be eliminated. It becomes very self, defeating, thought that when you’re find yourself in isolation, grieving and in a chronic state of stress that these thoughts come up to sooth you to comfort you, and to make you feel that you’re safe. It’s an appropriate coping mechanism a soothing mechanism, mechanism that falsely portrayed you as thriving when you’re not you’re basically not doing that you’re basically self defeating, get to the point and extreme behavior of self harm. So that is the main concern why I talk about the difference between infatuation and limerence.

I am hoping within the next few weeks with the help of few acquaintances, and colleagues to do a zoom podcast. We will be discussing limerence obsession and infatuation. I believe the focus will be on indigenous way of knowing. As Limerence, an obsession is common in all human beings. 

Why Nathan thrived for so long without ever getting caught until NOW …“Obsession” & “limerence” thrive when your needs are (NOT) met; isolation, grieving & chronically stressed- (unmet needs)

When we have this feeling, that souls are meant to be together. A person with post-traumatic stress disorder the feelings of soul mates or sort of attachment to someone is a big red flag. People’s wounds in the areas of attachment especially if you've experienced abandonment or neglect as a child is the foundation of limerence. In reflection to my own personal life my father was an alcoholic, both parents worked full time and it was difficult for my parents to find consistent babysitters. When they started traveling when I was eight and ten years of age. We found ourselves in the homes of friends or acquaintances of my parents. This too could also feel like abandonment. These times could feel like abandonment when both parents were not present. Also having an alcoholic father who was present but not present. At the age of ten. when my parents were in India, I became extremely sick with double pneumonia and infectious hepatitis. I was in isolation in an Indian hospital for what seemed like six months. I felt abandoned. 

I know I repeat myself, but in hindsight when I look at my grandmother not raised by her parents, and I look at my parents not raised by their parents too. I could not imagine what they felt not having their parents around them, living in an Indian residential school, neglected, and abandoned by staff for a decade. There is no comparison in comparing my childhood trauma to theirs, none whatsoever, at least I had my parents who were gone six months out of each of the two years. Imagine as a child grows into a teenager then into a young adult, who is finding in themselves, searching for a person than another person thinking they have finally found their soulmate. There is something terribly bad and its not good. It is very disruptive to the development of a potential real relationship. A real relationship where you see somebody, and you can be present. So, as much as you see yourself as the person who is trying to hold onto this and create this somewhat  incredible relationship in Limerence. I heard this story from my Indigenous sisters who told me about their incredible relationships where the sex is outstanding and yet they were not happy. The reason was they were holding onto a fantasy of that person, that partner of theirs, when in fact they are rejecting the real person, they are with. This fantasy is a rejection. 

In reflection with my own sexual experiences, there was a double-edged sword growing up with young men who had experienced childhood trauma. After having sex, my partner would worship the ground I walked on and no matter how mean or vindictive, spiteful, or angry I was to him, he would put me on a pedestal. The question occurred to me that if I did not have sex with him would he still put me on a pedestal? Potential partners, who knew I was sexually active, worshipped the ground I walked on too. Two types of Indigenous men who both suffered from PTSD for me were those I had sex with and those I had not, both put me on a pedestal. I witnessed violence against Indigenous women and Indigenous girls and decided to remain celibate. Here is the strange thing about being strong is when I have struggled with attachment issues or attachment problems stemming from my own childhood experiences, trauma affected all my relationships. I remember my late mother saying how until she remembered and started speaking of her childhood trauma in Indian residential school, she did not realize how this experience affected her relationship with my late father. For me, it seemed an exceptionally long time, as my Indigenous sisters would see me as a strong Indigenous woman. The fact, or the conclusion is a result that the stronger I felt sometimes the less present I was. The perceived resilience others think I have is merely a defense mechanism for me retreating so I don’t get emotionally hurt. I had to fight and heal, taking decades for me to develop skills for being present. Eliminating self-defeating behavior releases the fear, knowing somebody is going to fall in love with me when I am present. Present means I am my real authentic self. I see this within my own siblings. When they are afraid, they push me away. They taught me to be patient and compassionate. 

As I have mentioned this double edge sword, where Indigenous men fell in limerence with me, not in love, but limerence. As I mentioned earlier, I was younger, at an age where limerence towards me was frequent by no fault of my own. I knew this was not love because I did not feel the same way as they did towards me.This unrealistic feeling of unwanted attachment or attention by raising me onto a pedestal, an unrealistic pedestal I did not deserve. Similar feelings I had experienced when my parents returned home from their worldwide trips. Indigenous men put me on a pedestal like being associated with me, and that somehow, they too would travel benefiting by associating with my family and extended family. It did not occur to me that it was how people felt about me. This attachment was becoming greater the more educated I became. This attachment was what Nathan saw in me as he convinced Roberta, as she put it. “Nathan thinks you think you are more powerful than him!” This attachment, this limerence is dangerous when the notion the one on the pedestal is, for Roberta at the time, Nathan was her twin flame, her soulmate. I asked Nathan to explain to Roberta that this was not what was going on between them. I confronted him to explain to her they were not soulmates & were not meant to be together. Roberta’s behavior with PTSD was a red flag for me. Nathan indiscriminately sexually assaulted countless innocent Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My own lived experiences illustrates  indigenous inter-generational trauma. 

The paradoxical question is: How do we as Indigenous peoples rebuild a strong Indigenous culture and strong Indigenous family unit after it has been violently stripped away for generation after generation? Well, for me, it is being present and not being too strong that we forget our own humanity. In this blog I speak of distressing details about the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My niece died from a drug overdose last year. This blog talks about Roberta’s short-lived life. She was too hard to manage the mental health professionals claimed. Roberta was trafficked to support people’s drug habits by the time she was sixteen. I have tried to document Roberta’s life in the Canada Foster Care system until she aged out of their care. Seventeen years ago, there was no protection for her. Roberta could have used the protections laid out in the 231 Calls for Justice ( 231 Calls for Justice - KAIROS Canada) Calls legally mandated directives for governments in 2019, institutions in Canada to stop the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. Call for Justice 12.14 was designed to protect Indigenous girls and other youth in care or any other kind of foster care. Recently, 2019 and now in 2023 analysis found that only two of the Calls for Justice were completed with more than half not even being started. I do not know who spoke to the Minister of the Crown for Indigenous Relations to say 70% of these calls were implemented. It is NOT reflected in the many missing and murdered Indigenous girls and indigenous women. Of course, I am going to be upset! When are these 231 Calls for Justice setting up centers for children and teenagers to give support going to be Mandated? Are mental health psychotherapists, social workers, & police too privileged to get their hands dirty by being in an environment that is raw and is visceral. They are safely cocooned within their private offices. Are our childrens behaviors deemed too hard to manage? All levels of government created this cyclical mental health crisis. Decades and decades of our indigenous ways of life ripped away with our children gathered in the mass incarcerated facilities. We can not give up on our youth & never will.