As long as we live we participate in a living & breathing organism called a society.

 Sometimes I feel like I’ve been sleeping for 20 years. When I learn something new I think why didn’t I learn about this 10 years ago or 20 years ago?

When I was 29 years old, I met a group of educated indigenous young people. I mean like they were sophisticated, educated entrepreneurs, who were doing consulting work for first Nations people in northern Alberta.

It isn’t the first time and throughout my life I happen to be in connection with people that have taken me places where I never thought I’d ever end up like universities university towns. It’s been an incredible journey

In art school, when we were in the process of making Art Work. We were told not to reinvent the wheel. The lesson was that whatever actually we’re going to do that someone had already created something similar to what we were thinking of doing.

That’s basically how I feel today about this blog. I know throughout the years sometimes I can put in just a just one entry. Sometimes I put in 10 entries in one year. Sometimes I put in a post because someone had commented like if the blog was still active. When I think about the Contant of what I’ve written, and I realize that I’m just one person. 

I just want you to take this in context. Imagine thousands of writers writing on the same topic for the past 20 years. Now imagine they’ve written this and nobody has read it or they’ve read it and have forgotten about it.

It’s like writing, hoping someone would read it and realize that nobody’s interested. The problem is that nobody was interested in this blog until Nathan chasing horse got arrested. I mean there there were indigenous girls and indigenous women who were curious about my involvement with Nathan Chasing Horse. Yes, they read my blog, and sometimes they tracked me down.

No, I understand this nobody really knew my name. I kept it anonymous. I didn’t want anybody to know who it was that was riding all the stuff. It was difficult enough having people in my community. Gossip about me. The sad reality is like I just would not get involved in any conversation, not that it was ever brought up. And a lot of the comments that I’ve written for the posts that I’ve written I never spoke to anybody in my community about it. 

Every once in a while, I reminded that there was someone out there, who just did not like me. And that person was a Nathan Chasing Horse. It was his followers, who tracked me down and leave comments or call me. No understand this even my phone number was anonymous so it’s amazing to me that they were able to get my phone number. 

As a result of being interviewed in a public forum, my identity is no longer a secret. It’s like somebody discovering that I’ve been a comic book superhero ..’mild mannered .,.’ you know what I’m saying. The problem for me. Today is the realization that the Contant of this block is nothing new. There of been a lot of indigenous women throughout Canada and the United States who’ve been documenting and publishing works on, murdered and missing indigenous women.

So what makes this blog so special? And and why are people interested in the content.? I thought about the psychological factors based on circumstances that led Nathan Chasing Horse to get away with criminal activity for decades. It’s not uncommon for medicine people in First Nations communities to take advantage of vulnerable girls, and women. so the question is what makes this so unique? 

I think it’s societies attitude. I think within my own community there is a living organism. The community has a life of its own and we’ve thrived. It’s the same thing with greater society. It’s a living breathing organism. The problem with that organism is that it determines who’s gonna live and who’s going to die. Because this organism is based on colonial mindsets, remember this. The Romans conquered England, when the English believed in Dreds and fairytales. And from their, the English became colonizers themselves, and I truly believe that as indigenous people, who’ve been colonized, we were in a metamorphosis, or renaissance of becoming colonizers our self. 

In our small communities, we dictate who’s going to live and who’s going to die. It’s based on the social construct of chief and counsel and the administration offices, and the managers as in who’s going to work and who isn’t going to work. I know it’s just my theory yet today I really had to think. 

I believe I’ve just realized that what I did 17 years ago was nothing. Was just a reflection on things that were happening to me and the people I loved. There are a lot of things that happen in our lives and we have no control over. We can get frustrated and we can get lost in our own self defeating ways of thinking. However, writing helps. 

My conversation with a woman today about the blog, makes me think about my life, and have interacted within my family and within my community, and within the universe itself. We are all unique creatures, but what sets us apart from other human beings. I believe it’s how we interact with our brain. A human brain that spends at least 95% of our thinking time on networking. This is the thing that divides us from all other living creatures in this world is how we think.

It’s this mindset that society is a living, breathing organism that has a certain way of thinking towards people of color. Or a certain mindset that they have towards women of color. Historically women of color are perceived as being invisible. So what makes it so horrible and devastating to be an indigenous woman. It’s one thing to live in a community where we all connected. We all know each other, and when someone dies, and when we have ceremony of grieving, we all connect and we all support each other. 

An example would be like New Orleans, where they have jazz singers, parading the dead body to the cemetery. It’s a celebration of life that has been fighting and healing from white supremacy. It’s their celebration that they have finished this life. It’s the reality of people of color. In my community when someone dies, we try to do the best we can to honor their lives. Our culture is unique. 

I believe it’s one of the reasons I moved home from the United States. I need to find a purpose, a sense of self, and a reason to practice spiritual activism. The sad notion for me is that I’ve been so isolated and probably breathing and at the same time creating chronic stress for myself, that I didn’t know or I didn’t want to see the bigger picture.

Have you ever heard of the story or miss mythology of taking a secret and whispering it into an object because the secret was so great but yet you had to keep it quiet. Well, in some ways, that’s how this blog seems it was a whisper and yet it was a whisper to the victims, who were keeping something secret. The blog was set up so that if they wanted to whisper into the block, there would be someone who would listen and who would say that you’re not alone there are other people whispering into this blog. 

I think a lot of times our ancestors, our indigenous ancestors. Created ceremonies, mythologies, and rituals to help us cope with chronic stress, grieving stress, and isolation. Storytellers created stories, so that people could listen and be amazed at what the world was all about. It’s the notion that out there a person can get an education can read thousands of books, understand the science of computers and social media. But it’s the content of the media that is the message. 

I just felt that I needed to write something down tonight. As I worry about all the victims of Nathan Chasing Horse. I wonder if they’re complacent. Complacent in the sense that he was arrested and that he will serve prison time. As much as I wish, I had a magic wand to wave over them and say everything’s gonna be OK. That’s not really how the healing process takes place. 

The reality is that for decades, and decades, there have been people like Nathan Chasing Horse coming into our communities. First, it was the missionaries, the Catholic priest, the Anglican priest they were people coming in with the savior complex, saying that they could save our savage souls. There’s nothing new about it. as indigenous people we’ve been exploited. We have consultants and professionals and even our own people coming in making money off of us. We have a born-again Christians coming in to convert us. 

So what makes this so unique? I think the uniqueness of it is that he was a young man who society elevated him to a different status that’s one of a movie star. Just like a magic one all of a sudden he’s got status. I even goes so far as to pull up pull up the messiah complex where people want to be around him so they can get closer to God or a spiritual Isamar whatever you call it. The sad thing is Nathan Chasing Horse is a colonizer. 

He’s made it a business to say to people look where we were submissive we lost her from through genocide, but look at me I’m a colonizer. I am dominant over white society, and IT can tell you how to elevate your status just like me. With all the hocus-pocus and magic around spiritual activism in the form of mythology for Spiritualism, like séances and card, reading, and witchcraft, and whatever thing that human beings have used throughout history. It’s nothing new like I said England, they believed in Druids they were drew it to believed in fairytales, and then the Romans came and colonize them, and they intern, the English started colonizing the entire world. 

If an Nathan Chasing Horse gets away with this. If he gets away with these horrific crimes. Should he walk away? What does it say about indigenous girls and women? What does it say? It means that society is determining for us and even those girls who are yet to be born that we don’t exist before, were even born. Society has said that we’re we’re good as good as Deb. Yes the consciousness of the world is looking at this. But what is it? Are they actually looking at. I am concerned. Like the bigger picture is, does society really give a damn about indigenous girls and indigenous women. 

See, that’s the question. That’s the stupid question. Understand this decades and decades this question has been asked. And decades and decades people have been trying to answer this. Yet the problem still exists because we’re fighting and trying to heal from white supremacy. I’m just one indigenous woman. There are thousands of indigenous women who have the same and similar voice but I’ve demonstrated in this blog. What makes me more unique than anybody else? You know I had the answer the answer is that I wrote about Nathan Chasing Horse. I wrote about one man. 

The reality is as indigenous people we create it we created this man, and many other young men like him. We can look back 150 years and say yes, there have been people that society created to kill the indigenous girl or the indigenous woman. But we’re doing it to our own selves now. We are indigen as people have become colonizers. how do I come up with this conclusion you may ask. Because we created him we as a living, breathing organism have determined who is going to die and who’s going to live we’ve become a colonizers we have become no better than the Europeans colonized us. Yes they did a good job and those Indian Residential School don’t you think 

We’re doing it to our own selves. We are a community small as it is community spread all over the Americas either in urban settings or on reserves for on reservations were ever in whichever country you live in. We created this mythology around spiritual activism. We did not find balance, because we were so egocentric and thinking that racism only affects indigenous people. When, in fact, systemic racism affects all people of color.

I know this is my own personal opinion and I believe I’m entitled to it. A lot of people reflect back the things I say to them. And a lot of times it’s difficult for me to hear what they say about me. From their eyes, they see how difficult my life has been. I mean we all have difficult lives. But what makes people think this? And the reality is because I’m indigenous. 

I’ve lived so long in this life, and I speak English so well, but when I’m on the phone, nobody can tell if I’m indigenous, because I have a very very limited accent. I’ve had men swoon over my voice. I’ve lived in it entirely around non-indigenous people. I think my life is very unique in the sense that I have an isolated myself. Some people say that I’m a princess because I’ve got a live near a movie theater a mall 07 11 hospital fire fire stations like I have to be near modern conveniences and therefore I’m a princess.  in any case I really appreciate my non-indigenous friends and I really appreciate the education I’ve earned. I’m very grateful for those colonizers who are my friends, who tell me straight to my face that it’s very difficult for them to check themselves. 

So that’s what I wanted to write today in this blog. I realize in some of my blogs I just wrote a few paragraphs. I don’t know why it is now since Nathan Chasing Horse was arrested that I am going into these long, long essays.in any case, here’s my strategy, for the next time Nathan Chasing course appears in court. This will be on August 23, 2013. I will do a short press release within this blog. I am also doing some more posts as an introduction to the blog that I will be submitting and posting before August 23. I’m doing this at this as a strategy so that I’m going to be better prepared should journalists or curious people want to ask me questions. This way they can look at the blog and find their answers in my blog. 

I just don’t really feel that. I could handle a lot of questions. I was a bit taken back in being interviewed. I didn’t really understand it until I realize that I have to do some work in this block my due diligence. It’s my voice it’s my perspective it’s my life and how I dealt with Nathan, Chasing, Horse and his followers. I don’t mind talking to the people who interviewed me prior. It’s a given that they asked me questions and I answered questions. It’s just that I want to be prepared a little better prepared for anybody else who wants to track me down. 

Enclosing this little blog post I just want the reader to know they’ll be spelling mistakes. Grammatical, errors as I am dictating this post OK anyway, I hope I’ll have more of videos and audio tapes for you as I’ve had quite a few talks with various people with different opinions and discourse, and I think it would be interesting to hear their point of you. 

black scholar named Achille Mbembe "necropolitics™ @its ray”

 

“In 2003 a black scholar named Achille Mbembe became the first person to look in depth at a term called "necropolitics”  (@its ray” TikTok)

Tay describes necropolitucs as a Socio-cultural or political parameters that dictate who lives and who must die and how we as a society relates. I specifically gear towards to the murdered & missing indigenous girls & indigenous women cases. It's like they wanted indigenous girls to either turn up dead or not turn up at all. (Example the Winnipeg landfill) As is the case with so many indigenous girls in the systemic foster care in Canada. These cases are never gets coverage when an indigenous girl goes missing.  There are 2 constructs regarding indigenous girls in Canada.  Example 231 Calls for Justice budgeted with a 2 billion dollar plan. Indigenous girls being cared for in foster homes is one of the Calls for Justice,  & the expectations they’re cared for so they don’t end up as victims of human trafficking. Yet, since 2019 very little was done. We think there’s little improvements since 2006 when Nathan Chasing Horse came into my community. I’ve talked about the indigenous girls Nathan Chasing Horse trafficked. This is a specific case as it being one that has garnered national and international attention. Thousand of indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing every year. Yes, all women of color are in this same colonial mindset; however, since this blog focuses on Nathan’s victims who were specifically indigenous. We’ll discuss the lack of care and consideration in the cruel reality of that social & cultural  construct where our girls go missing.  It’s expected that she’ll be found victimized & brutalized in a sex trafficked ring or cult. This is society’s expectation set for hundreds of years, not just this year. The second notion is whatever happens if the girl is found safe & happy. Whether or not we as a society wishes to believe it or not there are a lot of sociology-cultural expectations in the ways indigenous girls die.  Whether the girls are victims or perpetrators of that criminality there’s negative responses for every positive outcome. Society expects the indigenous girl to be found dead. They thought that they would find her dead or brutalized. As bounties were placed on indigenous girls & indigenous women scalps. They kind of seem like they wanted that brutal ending of one’s life to continue. It’s society’s expectations of what would happen & not ever was that person to be found safe and sound. Whether they are the victims or perpetrators contributing factor are in play as to why people are looking at it (the case of Nathan Chasing Horse) with such curiosity. With cases were bodies found makes this case have some suspicion. Because they were never meant to be found whether alive rather dead. A cultural paradigms or shift is that we like to believe society is not there but are expectations with no happy outcomes is to be expected. This leads me to believe that Nathan Chasing Horse could go free. As society’s expectations were to find his victims brutalized or dead. Let’s hope reality of his cruelty towards indigenous girl’s & indigenous women is felt and that he gets the maximum sentence of life in prison. Let’s hope society sees the trail of broken families he created by victimizing their daughters, sisters, aunties, mothers and grandmothers. He is a monster. He is plastic!

Traditional respect - I don’t expect non-indigenous people to practice this way of thinking or being

 Because of limerence behaviour occurring decade after decade from intergenerational trauma married men are not spoken to directly. 

For example, when I was a child I could talk directly to my older brother who I was close to; however, once he married i’d get messages to him through his wife. 

Another example, out of respect for my married female friends if I were to ask a question to her husband I would ask her to ask him.

Limerence is a deeper feeling than infatuation. When a married man show interest it doesn't mean he's in love with you; however, a person in limerence with that particular husband is stopped. Traditionally she would talk to his wife first to avoids any obsession created by two people interacting.

Limerence occurs in all societies. This is how we as traditional women honor and respect our friends & our brothers, uncles & male friends. It’s important to have balanced male energy in all relationships. 

It also works in reverse to for men who wish to talk to a man’s wife. As for me, being an elder, tobacco is offered. It’s offered so whomever the elder is; for example a man talking to me; he would learn something about himself through interacting with me. It’s reverse too for a young woman talking to an elder man. 

Whatever energy or influence I give off in any discourse I conduct myself is a teaching lesson. It’s understandable that we are human beings  our of respect one gives an elder tobacco & a gift as there’s an exchange. This exchange does happen when the younger person learns something about themselves through interacting with me 

If I give off to much emotional energy I apologize as it’s my way of coping with my own limerence. Intergenerational trauma.does go away. Hopefully by the time a human being becomes an elder they know their emotional triggers & know how to navigate through relapse and remain in recovery from this limerence  phase over a person or an object.  

I can only speak for myself in saying as I smudge myself & others it’s to protect them for me & in turn I am protecting them from my stories. You see when they hear what I am saying they perceive me as a strong, indigenous woman; whereas, I’m at my most vulnerable, as I am not present talking about traumatic stories. If I am seen as vulnerable then I am present & in the moment that opens me up to love another human being, such is healthy balanced life.

Postscript 

It’s like an unwritten way of knowing. My friends & in-laws know it & so do other tribes and reactive this way of life 

“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WORLDVIEW

 Hello, for those of you who are new here, my name is Marina Crane and today I’ll be drawing on stories from my life about government involvement and mental health resources in relation to Nathan Chasing Horse. I’d like to begin by offering a trigger warning for survivors of residential school and the survivors of Nathan Chasing Horse, this content might include graphic references to topics such as sexual abuse, self-harm, and violence and may be traumatizing or re-traumatizing for some listeners. I’d also like to preface this and say that all the names throughout have been changed for the privacy and confidentiality of those involved. If you are impacted by this content, please reach out to your personal support group (family and friends) or any local support groups that can help you process your thoughts and emotions. You are not alone, and you are cared for. 

With that being said, let us begin. 

 I’m so grateful for my community and the network of people I’ve built up over my lifetime. As my cousin, my brother says to me. “Our traditional Indigenous communities take care of themselves.” Throughout these decades this community has taken care of itself. 

My goal for this blog is that I hope other First Nation communities, Urban Centers and Indigenous Peoples can learn from the experience my community has gone through. While listening please take this time to be reflective, most of the people I will speak of were children when I started this blog. Reflect on them evolving, helping their community, knowing what they know about systemic racism and the thousands of unmarked graves of our ancestors. Our communities are living breathing organisms evolving through the prayers of our ancestors and our own.  Making good relatives is extending one’s compassion for each other. 

My cousin, my friend, and my sister said to me: ‘I hope you are feeling better tonight, maybe we can go out for a drive tomorrow or do something because you are always stuck inside. It isn’t good for anyone to talk to those ‘white trashy people’ who only go to you and help so that they may be noticed and get a pat on the back for helping someone “in need”, without caring about your needs or feelings after that one good deed is done.’  When she says ‘white trashy people’ she is referring to Annabel (first), Jared (second) & Lisa (third)) who were all psychotherapists.

You might be wondering why I mentioned this story. For decades therapists (both Indigenous & non-Indigenous) report back to Canada’s non-insured health benefits program. The government knew about the mental health crisis of Indigenous youth. One would think the government would take all this money spent paying therapists, over the decades to build a mental health center for Indigenous children & teens led by Indigenous Peoples based on our ways of knowing. 

Over ten teenage girls needed help seventeen years ago. Their moms were so desperate for solutions. Then, Nathan comes into our community selling his ‘snake oil’, full of promises and dreams. Imagine if you can, the hope, they (the moms, and their daughters) felt once they came out of those ‘ceremonies.’ Some of our Indigenous men immediately wanted what Nathan had. As a result, nobody questioned his credentials because everyone wanted something from him. Understand this, non-insured health benefits also pay traditional healers like Nathan. If he were Canadian, they would have paid him for his services.

This was all happening at a time when Indian residential school survivors were disclosing their traumatic childhood experiences with Truth & Reconciliation adjudicators. Survivors did not trust white therapists or any white-run institution. As Indigenous workers gathered survivors, they also created a list of first nation medicine people. A lot of these healers had community support, and protection while also having histories of violating Indigenous girls & women. Through the creation of this list, many traditional healers were caught sexually interfering with children, although this was not its primary purpose. First Nation communities knew the government was paying traditional healers. They knew where they could report any abuse, so why was it and is it so underreported? 

Today, there are improvements; however, there is still no financial obligation towards establishing a healing center for Indigenous children and Indigenous teenagers. The government’s solution is to continue apprehending them and placing them into a foster care system as they did for many Indigenous youth. Decades ago, prior to my uncle’s death, he told me, “The government created these problems, now lets them solve them!” Intergenerational trauma is the symptom of incarcerating babies and children into Indian residential schools to assimilate and ‘kill the Indian’ in us by any means necessary. My grandmother was not raised by her parents, nor were my parents. I write this knowing the legacy I leave behind. I am the first generation raised by both parents, raised by my grandparents, aunties, and uncles. As my cousin said our traditional Indigenous communities take care of themselves.

Let’s go back to Annabel, Jared, and Lisa for a moment, each of them was paid for decades counseling survivors in their private practices. Lisa sat witnessing over 350 stories during the adjudication process for Indian residential school survivors and applied for grants using their credentials as a psychotherapist with Indigenous knowledge skills. Jared participated in ‘pipe ceremonies’ a spiritual practice his white friend conducted. He also attended ceremonial sweats amongst the Blackfeet of the Treaty Seven area and disclosed confidential details about a former high-profile Indigenous Tsuu Tina client. Jared like many mental health care practitioners used his connection to Indigenous ways of knowing for his own personal gain. Annabel is just as guilty of similar cultural appropriation. 

What sickened me the most about Annabel was that she was my late sister-in-law’s psychotherapist, assisting her in getting her daughter Chelsea out of the foster care system in Vancouver. Annabel was the first person I confided in moments after Chelsea told me Nathan had sex with her. I went to her hoping she would be there for me once I called the police. Instead, she wanted to hear Nathan’s side of the story. She spent an hour talking with Nathan. Finally concluding Nathan was in a child’s sexual fantasy. When I reflect, it still makes me angry. She was more concerned about learning cultural practices from Nathan. Culturally appropriating what she could use as a psychotherapist gaining more cultural competency at Chelsea’s expense. 

This is what angers me about these three individuals. This is what my cousin refers to as ‘white trashy people.’ Hurting my niece rather than seeing Nathan for what he was and is, they wanted to be a part of this ‘spiritual phenomenon,’ around Nathan. They saw how happy people were. They wanted the benefits of what Nathan had. This need to become an Indigenized mental health professional was rapidly becoming a big money maker. Later in the same year, Annabel counseled a second victim of Nathan’s. This child came to her after Chelsea revealed what had happened to her, Annabel didn’t believe either of us or thought Chelsea was lying to get attention. I wonder if she finally believes me about Nathan now.  After talking to Lisa in a therapeutic setting about my sister’s health, she started gaslighting, manipulating, and leading me to second-guess everything, even as basic as scheduling issues. She did everything not to lose me as a client, but she did and has. There are so many stories like mine across Turtle Island. 

There was an investigative journalist, we will call him Cody. He said there was one Indigenous mental health practitioner who used Nathan in their clinic and was a devoted follower of Nathan’s until two years ago. Cody said he did not mention this person in his article. While there are ‘White trashy people’ there are also ‘red trashy people,’ who are still loyal to Nathan. To the investigative journalists, thank you again, I take you both as genuine allies and not ‘white trashy people’. With support from people like you who are a part of my network, I finally feel heard and seen. I have shared what I have gone through with my network that stems across the globe. I am not alone or lonely. There are so many human beings who love me. I struggle. I reach out. I survive and continue trying to be happy & healthy. I am still amazed that Nathan’s first arrest in January triggered in me all these raw and visceral emotions. Emotions that surface each time an Indigenous woman reached out to me for support and guidance. Many of these emotions I knowingly and unknowingly carried with me over the past seventeen years.

 

 The following is my personal reflection after being interviewed.

I never thought it would impact the decisions I’ve made for my personal life moving forward. I had this epiphany. I got so upset! It is a sad reality. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, as I’ve had long discussions with mental health workers, not all in a therapeutic community, but rather as acquaintances. As you are reading this, I'd like you to understand what I’ve gone through these past couple of months since the arrest of Nathan Chasing Horse. It's a bit of a phenomena or an existential crisis of sorts. For some historical reasoning that I kept as a ‘self-defeating thought,’ feeding it endlessly it seemed. I doubted myself. I doubted my words. I doubted my work in the sense of seeing work as being physical rather than mental. I was documenting within this blog. Through the decades, I even doubted whether my purpose in writing had reached anybody. Sometimes, I asked other Indigenous women whether this blog had reached anyone and was surprised to hear that these stories were being read by young Indigenous girls who had their own epiphany. Disclosing to their mom that Nathan sexually abused them. I thought about stopping many times, and if not for the encouragement of other Indigenous women, I would have. Here the existential crisis for me was finally seeing what I did not see or simply did not want to see what others saw in me.

 

For a moment let us imagine a Swan; They are born ugly delicate creatures, completely dependent on their mother for survival. It would appear there to be nothing beautiful about these birds, so kill them, eat them, then they are gone; however, nurture them, love them, appreciate them and they will flourish into beautiful, majestic creatures. The existential crisis is this creature. We are all creatures, at some point, we were all little Rugrats, who after a heavy rainfall swam in pools of dirty water the storm left behind, but we move forward, fighting and healing from our childhood trauma with the love, appreciation, and nurturance from our caretakers and peers. 

 

Now let’s briefly discuss my psychological history, to put my existential crisis into perspective for you, my listeners. I’ve studied psychology. I worked with high-risk teenage girls, in the United States. By this I mean they had attempted suicide so many times that they were ordered by the courts or voluntarily admitted into protective care. Previously, I worked seasonally as a youth counselor in northern communities of Alberta, Canada. My work took me deep within myself, as most of my client’s experiences were like my own childhood trauma. I was in my youth and didn’t know what inter-generational trauma was or the extent of abuse my grandparents, parents & my siblings went through in Indian Residential Schools. I just knew from the psychology courses I took that I needed to see a therapist. So, throughout most of my life, I’ve been co-dependent on therapists or mental health workers as my guardian angels, spirit guides, gurus, and confidants. Yes, I said co-dependent because I allowed them to enable me and use me in ways I didn’t see yet.

I don’t know why I didn’t feel I had the confidence. Maybe, I was too naïve about my own empowerment of lived experiences. In these past few months, I’ve received a huge amount of attention. I mean huge. Now I see it was mostly, a lack of trust for people in positions of power, white supremacy power, or better yet a lack of understanding of what spiritual activism meant within the ideology of white supremacy. I was too busy overthinking things and not allowing myself to step back to see the bigger picture. 

A little more background of my relationship with mental health workers throughout the past decades to give you a clear understanding of how I've come to this point in my life. Whether or not these acquaintances want to acknowledge their actions toward me is irrelevant because I know who I am and my truth.

There are three non-Indigenous individuals who played a major part in the past 20-30 years; two were acquaintances and one was my therapist. Susan (Acquaintance one), originally practiced within the City of Vancouver until moving into Tsuu Tina, my home community. She was in a relationship with a family member. She had a previous relationship as a therapist with my late sister-in-law. Their relationship was close enough that she helped find my sister-in-law’s daughter, Chelsea. She reported the sexual abuse Chelsea experienced in the various foster homes and had lived in since she was two years old. It’s important to understand the amount of information Susan had on Chelsea as it plays into her judging her disclosures. 

Jared, a person of interest as he was a forensic psychologist, claimed to have a deep understanding of Indigenous culture within the Treaty Seven area. Decades prior, I had been searching for a psychologist who had some Indigenous mental health practice or knowledge. We were acquaintances when I introduced him to Annabel. He supervised her so she could practice in Alberta, and they eventually shared office space. I came to the realization that I had an immense amount of trust in him, and only now can I see who he truly became and notice the insidiousness of his wanting to reap the benefits of my work within this blog. 

Discussing Nathan Chasing Horse meant reflecting on decades of triggering work. I really didn't see what others were seeing in me until I received attention across the globe. It’s taken me months and weeks to deconstruct previous conversations with the interviews I’ve given. I googled the people who interviewed me from when I lived in the United States and since moving back home all these decades. I get most of my news from social media platforms; however, it’s not the newsworthy attention I received, and no doubt will continue to receive. It’s the reaction from these mental health professionals that astonished me. It angers and upsets me. 

Lisa is my therapist. When I discuss my existential crisis with women, they tell me to find an Indigenous mental health worker. I say, “I am done!” I repeat myself to them about the decades of mental health work I’ve done for myself. As it’s one thing to look at Nathan Chasing Horse as the fake role of a healer, but there are professional mental health workers both Indigenous and non-Indigenous who supported Nathan. This is also disgusting; At what point do we, as Indigenous people start decolonizing ourselves?

 

It’s upsetting that for 17 years or more Nathan did have access to mental health workers here in Tsuu Tina, and not just here but in various First Nation communities. All those years of being interviewed and seen by people who were classically trained to spot the manipulation he had mastered; all those years no one saw who he really is and if they did, they covered it up to benefit themselves directly or indirectly. All those years his victims were silenced by non-believers, by him, and by people who supposedly had jobs meant to protect the vulnerable. So, I will not apologize for being weary of mental health care practitioners, Indigenous or not. 

Call it what you want.  It’s just upsetting that when people are put in positions of power or positions of authority over, very vulnerable people living with inter-generational trauma. They presumably have the best interest and compassion for others. So why didn’t they help stop this monster? Why did they support him? Why did they not report him to the police or why didn’t they form some sort of support group of his victims? Why didn’t they help them? The moms decades ago wanted help and I volunteered. Fundraising by cooking tacos, selling raffles, and financial help was given; however, leadership wanted it for their own and the moms and daughters were forgotten. Why couldn’t mental health practitioners do more? It’s upsetting to know that within our Indigenous communities, we encourage our young people to get an education, and then what happens? We put so much trust in them, that they have our best interest at heart, and they get mesmerized, hypnotized, eroticize, and mythologized in the ambiance of traditional spirituality. Nathan represented what they believe to be traditional. Yet is he no different than the mental health practitioners we empower with our trust and undying devotion?

 

Annabel diagnosed Chelsea as being delusional and addicted to the fame of Nathan. The limerence of unsolved childhood trauma. Yet, I went to this therapist a well-known friend of Chelsea’s late mom. I wanted her to be there as I called our tribal police, instead, she wanted to talk to Nathan. She didn’t want the police involved.  A monster we helped create was roaming around in First Nations communities. The amount of people that he’s hurt is phenomenal and the amount of people who supposedly had the best interest of Indigenous communities did nothing. Nathan had gone to places in various communities saying he was a youth worker. I wanted references from those that had worked closely with him, and I couldn’t get any. It’s frustrating that even today, knowing there were mental health workers who worked alongside him and didn’t notice anything.  I don’t know why that is, I can’t comprehend why they would not do something. 

They cannot use the excuse that they didn’t understand he was a predator. These are people who worked with children who’ve been abused, who were using a Nathan Chasing Horse as a mentor even after years of people saying he was a danger to children. They still didn’t respond. They still didn’t believe it. Anybody who hired this man who was collecting a salary, wage, or benefits needed to do hard emotional work on themselves. In Tsuu Tina, we had mental health workers that were attending Nathan’s ceremonies.  They were mental health workers that could’ve applied for grants or programs to help these young girls and their moms. 

There continues to be a mental health crisis for Indigenous girls and women, then, and more so now. This monster hurt so many people in so many communities in Canada & the United States. Why aren’t there people in our communities putting proposals together to help our communities heal from intergenerational trauma? Who is training these non-Indigenous mental health workers in our cultural customs and practices? Who’s regulating them? Who’s holding these professionals accountable?

I am grieving over my lived experiences while writing this blog and I am becoming self-aware of my own inner strengths, and my own seriousness.  I cannot ever repay all those who interviewed me. It wasn’t like being interviewed for a job, nor was it obtrusive, these few months and weeks were amazing. Now I see that the mental health workers and professionals throughout my life were wanting to benefit by digging into my lived experience vicariously or by wanting to be interviewed alongside me. I see them now. It’s brought me to this point of self-actualization. There came a point when I stopped depending on a colonial mindset or a construct within our own Matrix. I stopped and saw people whom I’ve held in high esteem as being human beings and not God-like or mystic creatures who have access to magical wands that heal all our traumatic stories. We are mentally well, and we will continue to empower ourselves and others in our spiritual activism fighting and healing from white supremacy. An ideology that I was born into, and an ideology where white was right. I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough of being used and diagnosed as an Indigenous woman who’s had childhood trauma.

 

I’ve studied psychology. I’ve done the work. I’ve done the work for decades and yet in my elder years, I’m amazed at the fact that I just didn’t get it.  We, as Indigenous peoples of the world can empower our own Indigenous people. I feel confident enough about our own mental health.  I’m not alone I don’t believe I’m alone I truly believe that there are a lot of Indigenous people who do understand, As Indigenous women it’s up to us to stand together and heal together and protect our children together. We are the only ones who can do it. Our mothers have suffered our grandmothers suffered. It’s only we Indigenous women who can say enough is enough. Our children are suffering, and we need to help them in whatever way we can. 

I truly believe we’re doing that, but I just need to make sure that people understand, non-Indigenous people too. Nathan Chasing Horse, a monster, got away with so much for so many years. Within our communities, we approved mental health workers, social workers, counselors, and people in positions of power, whom we empowered to protect us. They did not do their jobs. 

 

We must take our power back, and we must empower one another. For some, it’s going to take a while it’s going to be a journey for all of us. For some, you may be at the beginning of your healing, and you may wonder why you didn’t start earlier and that is fine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  For others, you may be at the end of your journey. For me, I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of mental health workers. Continually going to school wanting to get a degree, get the degree, then get another degree and another and another. It’s like an addiction to mental health practitioners, social workers, or addiction counselors some were even addicted to Nathan Chasing Horse.  At what point do we stop and say enough is enough? Bless my poor Aunt’s heart, I’d hear her say “Enough is enough!’ I didn’t understand it then. Today I’d say to my Aunty, “I understand it now! Forgive me!” The Epiphany, “Oh my goodness! Why didn’t I see this?” 

 

The irony of all this is that if I had not received attention from international & national news media. I would not have experienced this epiphany. Since I was raised in a very political family. My parents received international attention alongside my extended family like my dear misunderstood Aunty. It wasn’t anything I ever wanted as I grew up seeing the lateral violence my family experienced in both worlds. I felt they were used to promote white supremacy, as they traveled around the world twice. Once when I was eight years old and then again when I was ten, I judged them and never wanted anything to do with politics or community activism. Yet, I found myself being dragged into interviews over a topic I am passionate about documenting. 

What started this revelation of mine was when I consulted with Jared, then saw his interference and him trying to benefit and seek success off my blog, claiming as he’s claimed for decades his cultural awareness. It took him to see me as a “success,” like he was finally humanizing me, an Indigenous woman, with a degree of education to be seen as his equal and yet not his equal. A man who for decades applied for grants to help Indigenous youth. A man who had many opportunities, along with his colleague, a colleague I introduce him to and with whom he shared office space. The same colleague that diagnosed Chelsea as delusional and suffering from limerence rather than contacting tribal or city police. 

It’s not just them, however, even my own therapist within these past couple of weeks systematically reached out to me more than three times and tried to reschedule a fourth session. Never in all the years, I’ve participated in therapy sessions with her has she ever done this to me. 

These people knew I kept myself anonymous. Now, I reveal myself. I am a professional communicator, knowledge keeper, Indian residential school survivor, day school survivor, and elder. I’ve put my Indigenous female identity out there. Expressing that I am not a candy apple, nor a rotten apple or poison apple, I am the real Macintosh Apple. After all, humor does make light a serious breach of trust. 

I commend those two professional non-Indigenous men with abilities of investigative reporting for interviewing me.  The first man worked for an international newspaper then, and the second interview was for a national TV.  Both non-Indigenous men want to make sure all Indigenous voices are being represented, they’re both experts in their respective fields. This doesn't mean they specialized in Indigenous history, nor do they understand the concept of “lived experience” from an Indigenous way of viewing the world. For me, hearing praises of admiration for the work I am doing, felt good. I asked my sister, when are we as Indigenous women ever going to be heard and she told me, “When someone tells you they admire the work you’re doing. How do you tell them it’s a lot of hard work, a lot of hard truths, but he knows cause it human nature to want what someone has or has accomplished”.

They may not understand my gratitude and the honor they bestowed on me, but in doing so they honored my parents, my grandparents, and all my relatives.

 

Of course, I am going to be upset. Especially when there’s so much intergenerational trauma from our childhoods. It’s upsetting to know the people who benefit and continue to benefit from these traumas. Despite my current view, I am not trying to convince anyone not to seek therapy. I am just exhausted by this colonial mindset of white supremacy. Seeking and expropriating Indigenous ways of knowing and culturally appropriating the spiritual practices of Indigenous peoples. I’m also tired of the gaslighting of educated Indigenous people as not having enough to be considered their equal through their colonial lens.  We have it inside ourselves to fight and heal.

 

“Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin” WE ARE ALL RELATED…We are all responsible for becoming good relatives to all Creator’s creations.