The year was 2007 HBO Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee came our in May 27, 2007 & June 2007 a disclosure was made & by the fall of 2007 I was blacklisted

 I will come back to edit

Sometimes people don't understand their own triggers. Healing does not mean those memories go away forever. Healing takes time & it is a lifetime of releasing those memories through a process you find for yourself. It amazes me too that as a storyteller it is my audience who varies. When I am physically present with them I can establish trust unless they first tryst me. If there is trust in them they can bear my stories without shame or guilt. 

Trust is a word. Trauma is a word. Confronting trauma takes trust first in oneself. The horror stories of people shocking themselves into greater depths of trauma cause they do not trust happen far too often. As I wrote the following, it was based on triggers. As we age we have a responsibility ourselves to understand our capacity to deal with trauma or triggers that bring up trauma responses. Many find escape in becoming addicted to love. The love of family & friends who are so enmeshed in their own addiction that it's difficult to navigate our own emotions. 

My own capacity to write from my memories of what actually happened in a timeline does not trigger me rather it the readers or viewers' response. I must deal with their own stories to settle them down from being triggered from my story. At some point I feel like fleeing or running to someone who can take away this loneliness. Then, I think, this feelingbus a trigger. I can not imagine nor do I wish this on anyone in recovery. The road of life becomes easier. It feels heartbreaking. I have heard many come up to me admiring what I did little knowing the whole picture of me. 

It's too heartbreaking for me when I get notice from a relatives who watched the documentary on the Fifth Estate. My cousin saying “its revolting how can our so-called Rez women do this and not tell anyone. Oh my god! Now you know why I didn’t hand out with them” Then, she finishes off by saying “But you done it!” Yes, I did do it. A friend also said that I have had time to reflect on the bigger picture. You see I told my cousin about being interviewed but she never asked. I never told her where to find the documentary either. I thought she knew what I went through after all our conversations. But apparently what I am writing about here is a result of her sudden kt seeing the bigger picture. 

Trust takes time so be gentle with your heart. Yes, I did it cause I know what it is like to be a victim that nobody believes. My cousin lost all her sisters. I know what it looks like to see my cousins and so many other indigenous women struggling to be believed.  Just thinking when a woman believes she is so badly hurt like no other. She suppresses her emotions to the point of being complacent. She returns to her abuser.

Its heartbreaking, yes. Sometimes it feel inescapable. It triggers me again and again. There is no place to run. I think, I have faced my abuser. I have confronted women who joined my abuser to violently milline my reputation.  

Just as there was nothing I could do to convince people Nathan Chasing Horse was a predator. Just as there was no convincing battered women to leave their abusers. Just as the wind sways, I too sway with addictions. I am not perfect nor have I written here to convince anyone that it was easy to warn others.

As indigenous women, we have become so  complacent it appears revolting to many as to why we continue to stay in such a harsh environment. Yet, as harsh as it appears from an open society, we do heal from within our closed society.

My cousin writes (Be happy you done what on one else would do. He is never getting out of jail alive. I tell you that. People know, hopefully it will never happen again to our youth. I am proud of you for that.) Five months passed by with her watching the YouTube video cause I did not tell her where to find it.

I visited her throughout this past year monthly and spoke about what I am doing but never asked to watch the documentary. I try to do things that appear fun. Like yesterday I used AI to create an aminated image of myself and a former lover. It was fun cause I know how to do it. It is fun showing my friends how tricky AI can be. Understand to that AI only sees me as Asian and not indigenous to the Americas, so I really do not look like what is rendered.

I am posting two links. One is a review of the movie Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee premiere, May 27, 2007. The other the date of the magazine article on Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee published in Cowboys and Indians, June 4, 2007.

'Wounded Knee' Film Set for HBO Debut : NPR

These are critical dates. See, meeting Nathan and his entourage in the fall of 2006. They lead me to believe they were poor travellers helping indigenous youth throughout USA and Canada on the kindness of others. Frist, you must understand the Pow Wow trail, we help our friends and relatives when they travel from Pow Wow to Pow Wow. So, my helping these people was not foreign to me or my late mother. At the same time, we supported my brother in his sobriety too. These people seemed dedicated to helping young people with addictions.

From March 2007 to April 2007, I engaged scheduled six ceremonies for Nathan each costing through donations of $5,000 each.  These were cash transactions. By May 27, 2007 many women and their daughters were totally convinced Nathan was a healer. Most attended Sweats (Inipi Ceremonies) and Night Lodges (Yuwipi ceremonies). We attended a premiere showing of the movie here in Calgary.

By June 4, 2007, as I am writing a proposal to seek out more funding for more Rituals and Ceremonies for the women and their daughters, my niece discloses what Nathan did to her. She did attend these rituals and ceremonies too; however, her mother was separated from my brother. The group was specifically for moms and their daughters. I worked tirelessly cooking, raffling  and writing proposal for more activities with the main event sending moms and daughters to Nathan Sundance in Wolf Point.

As more people became involved and as I confronted my niece and Nathan knew what she told me. Nathan distanced himself from me. I still hoped everything was a lie and that there were still women interested in having healthy bonding with the daughters in more rituals and ceremonies. I went to Wolf Point that coming July where I met people. I asked them about Nathan. I asked if they knew anything about his nonprofit. I kept in touch and helped get information to them about Nathans activities here in Canada in 2015. Tsuu Tina had already banished Nathans from here prior and the Tribal council in the states wanted to know how we did it.

2007 was a very critical year for Nathan as he appeared to become bolder showing off his teen brides at Bear Butte, South Dakota. After the fall of 2007 he recruited more girls from here as he was not successful in recruiting my niece. Keeping in mind he still convinced many he was helping my niece. Yet, it was all a human trafficking scheme.

I will say only this for the time being as it is very heart breaking. I was writing a proposal for more funding on my computer when my niece came over. She had new clothes on and was watching me type. I had a picture of Nathan featured in the June 4, 2007 Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee in Cowboy and Indians magazine. My niece was after me to invite her to the various ritual and ceremonies Nathan spent over at her place sleeping over at various times from the fall of 2006 to the spring 0f 2007 whenever he was in Calgary. I never thought her interest had a jealous nature to it cause I saw her a s child. She commented on that various things her stepdad allowed her to do with Nathan without a chaperone strange. It was even stranger as she asked me to attend the next ritual and ceremonies. I did not think it was because she suspected Nathan was cheating on her. As I am typing up this proposal, I a telling her I am trying to get more money for him for the time next he arrive in Calgary which was quite soon. 

She said, she was his girlfriend. I told her I was shown by Nathan a picture of his girlfriend and his daughter who was Roberta's younger sisters age. My niece said no! That Nathan only has sex with her cause he loves her. She pointed out to back up her argument that all the clothes she was now wear he brough her. Explaining to me how expensive each item cost. When I confronted her about him having sex with her I stated he was a man and that she was a child, to this point she ran away. I ran after her finding her on her cellphone to Nathan. I drove away as she ran back to her home, next door. I went to a relative's home to seek help. His non-indigenous partner convinced me to call Nathan and that she wanted to talk with him. In hindsight, I should have gone directly to the police but after all this non0indigenous woman was my nieces therapist at one time. After she talked with Nathan on the phone for an hour, she had convinced me that my niece had made up this story to get attention. This was in June 2007. It was not until the fall of 2007 that Nathan arrived back into Calgary. I reported this incident to the police whom I thought would keep every confidential. keeping in mind Nathan knew I did not believe him back in June, and July, 2007. 

I talked with various moms before Nathan came back into Canada that fall. People I grew up with, people I am family with, people who wanted to help their daughters, all turned against me. All gravitated, to the tit of the chief and council sucking at our band funds for themselves and their own needs. That is what is so heartbreaking. They believed a Lakota man who grew up in another country. I am as old as Nathans parents and I have seven great grandparents who are Dakota Sioux. Yet, they believed this  man was holy cause his followers told a narrative that suited them. They all wanted a magic wand or in this case a magic ritual and magic ceremony. I held out hope one of the moms would standup beside me, but no, everyone wanted whatever Nathan had to offer them and then more. It seemed people just could not trust each other. Everyone thought they were the closest, best honorable, dedicated friend and even to some point, holy. 

It just seemed like people were so caught up in their addictions that they just did not want to get off their joy ride and come back to reality. This is how it seems all these decades that went by so fast and yet for others like my little niece, died. Without ever knowing those that trafficked her, or those that chose Nathan over her. She tried to recover. I know she had a bad beginning in life with no fault of her own. She was born addicted. She was given up as a two year old until she was found a few years later in the foster system. All the the damage she went through being FASE and all those classifications people find to place her in a safe security place away from them did not work. My niece was turned against me. It was so bad at time that I had to get a restraining order against her. She believed her abuser so much so that she was completely lost. Yes, its heartbreaking. I do not think anyone could understand just how helpless I felt seeing so many people not believe. Really, for years she believed. She really truly believed she was Nathans wife. She truly believed she was his first wife from Tsuu Tina. One of my cousins put it bluntly. These women trafficked their daughters to this man. They sent their daughters to him. I do not know if she was trying to make me feel better but it still is very heartbreaking to know I could not save my niece. Nathan Chasing Horse is a monster. He cares nothing about girls, children. He sexually assault my niece, and probably had it in him to take her younger sister. A child, a girl as old as Ren Leone. My niece was innocent as Ren Leone played in front of Nathan while Roberta took pictures of him.

It seems for decades that all these supporters whom I grew up with thought they were all HOLY people cause they followed this clown, this trickster. Keeping in mind that he played the trickster in full view convincing so many he was joking, laughing all his way to the bank. Taking, manipulating  money from the very poor, seducing women and sexually assaulting their teen daughters. Feeding his male followers the spoils his conquests like they were less than human. And, those women who wanted what was best for their daughters truly believed they gave birth to holy daughters. When in fact amongst the Sioux, we as children are taught and treated as holy from birth. Its in our birth names, but did anyone care to ask me. Only a few elder Tsuu Tina know my birth name, my holy name, Hapan. As my Dakota relatives know these ritual and ceremonies were once good, but with Indian Residential School all  was taken.

Nathan was taught well by his parents, who were so poor they sold drugs to make ends meet. Just like so many before, selling something sacred to feed their children. This is what it means for the medicine to not be good anymore. Over a hundred years, all those battles my ancestors fought in the Little Big Horn so people like me could see what was worth sacrificing. Following your gut, follow your heart, follow the love of your people without retribution. I figure he will serve time in state prison, and if he serves a small amount, he will be taken to Montana for another court appearance, and if he served time in a Federal Penitentiary there he will still be brought into Canada. I have had time to reflect on this monsters life. He has a long road ahead of him appearing in court room and court rooms. There is no amount of money than can bring back my niece, Roberta. No amount of money that can repair the damage he cause in her relationships with family members. I know Roberta tried. I still believe I could not bring myself to attend her funeral. The anger I have for all those who denied her story. 

My niece is like so many indigenous girls, I have met, will met and will see falling through the cracks of this systemic racist system.

 Nathan Chasing Horse taught so many that it was normal to seek retribution when its not. We release those we love as much as we wish for their love we must. Each generation is new.  We do not need to create armies to fight decades, centuries for something we can not take with us on our journeys home.