It's multilayered answer as to how I knew Nathan Chasing Horse was Plastic like a Credit Card..

I am updating this post daily until I feel I can video tape it via Youtube. It is a work in progress. I have some set backs but I am hoping by this coming Sunday have my podcast up and running. Its briefly recapping what I've already posted with video rather then what seem like endless reading.

Before you start reading, please understand I am using quotes to convey my indigenous female voice here. I’ve learned so much from indigenous content holders here, as well as people with psychology backgrounds. Also, keeping in mind that the indigenous women involved are living day to day with some in survival mode trying to keep their families afloat. Some of the most vulnerable girls came from single family homes. I could not even imagine the daily lives of single householder who are their family’s only income. Remembering that matriarchy is sharing each others stories and being there for each other.

“Start a benefit already for matriarchy, three steps that if enough women do these three steps, we will have matriarchy within our lifetime. Other content remember matriarchy is not the inverse of patriarchy. Matriarchy is egalitarian. Matriarchy is leadership before the benefit of the collective, not just for the benefit of the leaders. Everyone of you can participate in bringing it about: (hope_peddler 8-31) (It didn’t occur to me that I was practicing the matriarchy of my grandmothers by telling my story all these years, nor did I understand the scope of my cultural practices fitting into the choice I made to help the women and girls within my community, despite the limited resource concerning women’s health and women’s sexual education I worked with a man working with women’s wellness who said to me. ‘Doing workshops, seminars and networking within communities, sometimes the participants do not realize they have participated in a mental health exercise until afterwards. Another person told me that if anyone wishes to know what is happening within a give community ask the person who watches what people are doing or practicing.)

Step one: You need to share your stories with other women, and you need to consume the stories of other women. (This was me starting up this blog decades ago trying to warn indigenous girls and indigenous women about this so-called Plastic Medicine Man, hoping people would consume these stories for their safety and the safety of others.) This is where we take the experiences that we had individualized. We had made them our fault. Because I not a good picker of partners, or I let men treat me badly in the workplace; whatever, the stories that we take individual responsibility for, instead, we swap them, because we see that they are systemic in nature. (in my own opinion, I believe Nathan Chasing Horse knew or had meet many indigenous girls and indigenous women who already conditioned themselves with self-defeating behavior. We repressed our own voices by not taking the responsibility of engaging in meaningful conversations usually because there was or no safe environment to hold such a space for our voices to be heard.)We swap out our self blame for, our own oppression. We understand that this is a collective experience that we as women are having.  This frees up our physical energy and our psychological energy because we are no longer engaging with the story, that there is something wrong with us. We take control of telling the story of who we are. (Decades ago, when Nathan first came into my community we as indigenous women had a collective experience while attending Nathan’s Ceremonies. Most were not free of their own physical energy as most of this energy was taken up on worrying about their teenage daughters. Everyone of us was engaging in this story hoping to support each other with someone whom we thought we could trust. We did the total opposite of telling our stories, especially when I needed their support to confront Nathan. One of the women told me that she could forgive Nathan if he were a pedophile cause that’s the right thing to do. Shortly afterwards, she gave her daughter up to Nathan as his child wife. It was important for me to update this blog with my narrative. I was asked questions. I tried to answer them. I knew that my story was unique in the sense that most women experienced oppression of some sort with our lifetime. My perspective is indigenous to the land. As my experience is saying what it is like to live within a First Nations Community with all its faults by not taking them on as my own. I had to stop engaging with investigators who from my vulnerabilities easily could have empowered them to be my savior, as a delusion of safety. As this is a historical phenomenon that is systemic to indigenous women. Especially when our voices are suppressed by others, not just men but women mostly. I say phenomenon as growing up seeing those women who came before me work together healing communities.)

Step two:  said to you heard me say it before, I'm going to have to say it again. We decentre men, if you are orienting your existence around a man, particularly a man who's not orienting his existence back around you. (Do not chase a man. If a man is interested in, you he will let you know he’s interested. Nathan, play the attentive lover to many women; however, each one of these women who left him after having a child with him reported experiencing PTSD because of their relationship with him. Once they stopped orienting themselves around him, he left for younger victims that he openly started paraded around seventeen years ago.)  You are going to lose your light. You are going to lose your authenticity. You are going to lose some self trust along the way, and we need you in your power, and in your light, and we need you to have enough time to contribute to this movement, and if your entire life is around making somebody else’s life comfortable. You're not going to have that energy and time to give to the cause. (It was about 2007, when Nathan brought a woman with her child, whom I believe was about eight or ten years old into our community. It was in the fall of that year, and by this time, I had already spoke my last plea to Nathan to speak his truth to the tribal police, if it was true. This child’s mother slept one night in my home, and claimed months earlier that her child was gifted like Nathan. She said her husband would be upset if he knew she was in Canada that summer. After Nathan’s followers stopped talking to me, and after started manipulating other community members to follow him, he appeared at our community school with his followers and this woman and her child. I felt helpless to warn anyone as this woman was convinced her daughter was destined for greatness. Little would I have known the abuse this child would experience at the hands of this monster. I can only imagine the reasoning behind grooming a child so young and wondered why was it so terribly important for this woman to want such a false sense of being indigenousness.) So much of patriarchal control takes place within the form of the nuclear family. It keeps women tired. It keeps women sick. It keeps women underperforming in their careers. The stats are there, married women suffer in all those areas. (I chose not to get into any relationships because of all the abuse I saw in indigenous women with blackened eyes and bruised souls. Fifty years ago, I saw a group of single non-indigenous women, all professional women, own their own home. This was so uncommon. Women could not owe their own home, nor could they own a credit card under their own name. From where I’ve come from and to wherever my life takes me, I am totally grateful to all the invisible helping hands of other women who helped guide me, as I repeat myself. ‘Know those who came before you!’)  They suffer because they are centering their partners. I am not saying you must divorce your guy, but I am saying it is time to centre yourself or divorce him. It’s super on trend right now. (Or, for those women who have daughters, educate them in the facts of life. As women, we have two choices; have children or don’t have children. The science is out there, and I am living proof. Teaching daughters about female sexual responses is so very important for our mental well-being. We are not built like men. We have our own biology that is so unique. Sharing our stories helps.)

number three: We rip power from government. A government largely run by men. By meeting each others needs, and not relying on government. (It’s that dependence. I continue to see. My entire life, I’ve stayed away from relying on government. Seeing young indigenous people working their entire lives within a government construct, never leaving our communities to venture out, creating their own companies that is not reliant on government subsidies, or government bail outs with an economic construct that is not beneficial to individual well-being. A systemic system called Treaties, Indian Act, put in place decades before I was born that engaged in an active form of genocide towards indigenous women.) It's mutual aid! mutual aid, usually doesn't have to be formally organized, but it can be. It's an opportunity to build networks amongst your friends, amongst your neighbors, and help meet each other 's needs. Walk each others’ dogs, drive each other to the airport, watch each others’ kids, cook each other meals, when you have the extra bandwidth. Hold each other up, and your times of need. Fundraise for medical debt, list of possibilities as infinite as your creativity. (There were two things happening back seventeen years ago; one was fund raising to support mothers and daughters to attend a Sundance run by Nathan Chasing Horse in the summer in Wolf Point, Montana, the other was, fund raising via the use of band funds or tribal funds, to pay for Nathan’s ceremonies he was having hosted by various community members. Designated for cultural ceremonies for healing providing it was used for community events and, many homes were used for such ceremonies. As this was seen as benefiting the community and not just individuals, with Nathan being the only individual as benefitting, as the same time Nathan was using is non-profit California organization as proof of his legitimacy. What started out as women volunteering to help fund raise to dance at a Sundance turned into fractions of individuals starting their own private ceremonies with band funds or individuals’ giving’s up their funds to Nathan. Most of these individuals became devote followers with some sending money to Nathan for decades. No doubt only those closest to his self-proclaimed cult called the Circle, who in most cases called Nathan, ‘Dad.’)  When we have taken back the story of who we are, and in doing so, dealt a devastating blow to traditional media, which is largely run by men. When we start meeting our own needs and need the government less and less. Which is not to say don't vote, vote, but it is to say that we don't rely on them, and we rely on one another. We do weaken their power. So, we don't have to barge in tomorrow, and take over all of media, and take over all of government from men. No! we give it to ourselves, by weakening the power of those institutions, and diffusing the power among the masses, instead of the few men that hold it. So many of us are already doing this, that it is just a matter of when, not if. (@hope_peddler 8-31) (There is a positive side to all the funding raising, as those girls who were somehow protected from Nathan’s charms and manipulation did become closer. These young women saw their friends go off with Nathan and saw his destructive forces. I believe that if Nathan were actually practice the way of the Seven Council Fires of the Great Sioux Nation, he would have opted out of receiving band funds. He would have encouraged fund raising from within the circle of women. He would have encouraged them to rely on o each other, as women, sharing their stories and helping each other out. Instead, he planted seed of self-defeating behavior in all his female followers. You see, I was raised by strong Dakota women from those who came before me, and I saw how my grandfather depended on the women for his support in building his farm. The farms of the Dakota people in Sioux Valley fed the community and created a backbone that most within my own community may never witness. What is this ‘hope_peddler is saying is true. I saw this type of Matriarchy as I was growing up. The seven Sioux Tribes in Canada are exiled from the United States and were never under the obligation of the Treaties. As my late mother described her first encounter with the community I grew up in, was that we were ‘Fort Indians,’ she was this new community she married into as ‘putting their hands out for money.’ When she saw me playing with my money she would say, ‘I did not raise my children to like this.’ This is why for me, its very important. Diffusing the power of patriarchy is not just for Indigenous women rather for all women from all over this world. I am eternally grateful for the teaching I saw in the ACTIONS of those indigenous women who came before me. Those teaching of ‘White Buffalo Calf Woman” holds its truth. All we as indigenous women need to do is looking at the SHAME! SHAME of Nathan Chasing Horse’s false narrative of what it means to be a follower of White Buffalo Calf Woman’s teaching. The prophecy does say that we will see a great change, a warning, when we are slowly forgetting what it is to be a human being and a good relative to all. It’s one of the reasons too why I wanted to use this blog site to let you the reader know that once you put a thought out into the Universe, Creator’s will is being done. It’s a great Mystery created for us all.)

So, please if you find these helpful then I am doing my job in educating you. This following quote is from (7thFire Messenger 9-6) within my insights highlighted in red.

“So I’ve been on this app about three years now, you guys know me pretty good if you've been following me for a while and those of you who know me pretty good. You already understand that, but for those of you who are new here, are those of you who follow me because I triggered you somehow. You just want to follow me around to see what I'm going to say. I am just being a human, the kind of human I am happens to be Native American. My own personal story happens to intertwine with many stories of many people who live on turtle island and intersect at interesting points that happened to be revolving around the colonization of my land. (When I first started this blog, some seventeen years ago, I didn’t realize by putting my content into cyber space someone was listening. The fear of enable anyone, as this quote talks about being a human being, I worried. I still worry that people will take what I say in my own voice as meaningless. Yet, from my understanding, being a matriarch means sharing and helping. This is what I started. I wanted to help those indigenous girls and indigenous women find their voices. Yet, today, I still find the oppressors. Some may think all our oppressor are non-indigenous, but most come from within our own communities. It is why there is still feared to tell or stories. I don’t think there is single answer to this problem of violence towards indigenous women. I do believe everything in this world is guided by Creator’s Will.)  So, in my own journey of reclaiming my story in my sharing it with you, all. What I'm doing is treating you like a human being. Think about that for a second, you see somebody like me hasn't been allowed to be a human being on this land, very long. Some will argue that we are still being dehumanized to this very day. (This statement is so true. The amount of our indigenous people who go missing is documented now.)

“(John Trudell quotes) I am just a human being trying to make it in a world that is rapidly losing its understanding of being human. “

“(John Trudell quotes) So, when Columbus got off the boat and he said to the first people he sa.”w “Who are you? The first people he saw said, “We’re human beings.”’

“(John Trudell quotes) All human beings are descendants of tribal people wo were spiritually alive, intimately in love with the natural world, children of Mother Earth.”

So, when I'm telling you my truth, my theories, my history, I'm assuming that you're a human being now. and you are not your ancestors. When I say colonizer, I'm talking about the specific mindset that led to the activities, and cultural norms of things like slavery and genocide and land theft and exerting your will over the life force of another. I'm assuming you're not like that anymore. So, I'm trying to help you reclaim your humanity, by demonstrating, and exemplifying what is to treat another like a human being. (When I accepted to be interviewed by news investigator over Nathan Chasing Horse, I assumed I am talking to other human beings. It’s not an easy thing to do when most of my life was centered around finding support, approval and validation. I am not perfect. I am still leaning and will continue to learn until I leaving this existence.) When I trigger certain individuals and they come back into my comments, and they get angry at me, and start reinforcing this colonial narrative with the colonial propaganda that led to the genocide of my people. What they're really telling me is that they're not ready yet to be treated like a human. They still want me and need me to treat them like the oppressor. Thinking like they have the power and the ability hurt me. They don't like hearing what I have to say, because it doesn't match up with the things that they learned, and the things they said. They're not used to somebody who looks like me treating them like a human being. They're used of being treated like the oppressor. (I’ve found so many young indigenous youths having such perfect insight into how to hold space for their stories. I am grateful to live so long s to witness this advancement. As this young man stated, it is not common to see, hear and understand an indigenous voice. A voice of a human being talking to another human being. As I’ve much to learn about holding space for those my age who have not experience this presence of self love and lover for others. Over these decades, I’ve tried to hold space for any young women or older women who needed someone to listen to or someone to support them. Most who did reach out to me suffered a traumatic experience living along side this Nathan Chasing Horse.)   So, I just want you to know that's my only intention behind this, when I say all these different things you know. When any BIPOC person talks about racism, or modern issues in our society. We always get these people telling us, oh not all of us are like that, oh not all are like that. Well, that leaves the labour then onto us to find those ones then. It’s now like you wear signs on your head. We can't tell the difference So, that's part of the method to my madness also, I don't want those ones following me. They think they're better than me. If you think you're better than somebody else, you can't learn from them. You can’t love them. This is how I am learning how to practice my humanity, is about talking about my story sharing who I am. Sharing my culture, sharing different things, that I've found along my path. Because I love you! I love everybody! I want this world to get better. I hope that clears something up. I refuse to treat anybody like the oppressor. If you come into my channel, and you start reinforcing the colonial narrative demanding that I treat you like my oppressor, I'm going to block you! That is how goes. You have the freedom to say what you want; I have the freedom to kick you off my virtual TikTok land. My little, tiny corner, that doesn't even physically exist, in this realm of 150 million other channels. If you need feel the need to be an oppressor, go somewhere else, thank you! Now we can learn! (7thFire Messenger 9-6)” (Over these decades, I’ve had Nathan’s followers disclose his instruction from him to hurt me. This Nathan only knew how to laugh at the most vulnerable. He was an oppressor of indigenous children and indigenous women. Listening to this young man, 7thFire Messenger, is who I had hoped Nathan Chasing Horse was. I took the responsibility of confronting Nathan. Encouraging him to go to the police and to talk to the many women and girls who were in love with him. He needed to speak to them in a group. He needed to tell them he had a girlfriend and he had children. I encouraged him to straighten out any allegations my step-niece had claimed against him. I told him I reported him to our tribal police. If he was innocent, he wound freely go and speak directly to my step-niece; however, he didn’t, and the tribal police ignored their own request to question him. I felt he needed to hear from me, as I promoted him, encouraged the producer and director of ‘Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee’ that they needed to use him more. They did. I encouraged women and girls to attend his ceremonies because he spoke appeared to speak his language and appeared to know his cultural practices. I took the responsibility of being at my most vulnerable. I love him! As I love my readers, as I love my community and as I love hearing people’s truths. Nathan’s disrespect and his making fun of any of the women and girls who were in love with him was not the first time, nor would it be the last time, I would see this monster’s truth. He knew how oppress women and girls. I am grateful he is caught. I am grateful to tell my story. Sharing my story with many people over these years I hope clears up some things about who I am. And for those who still think they can oppress me or other, like 7^th Messenger, I will block you)

addiction is when a person strongly identifying with seeking approval and validation specifically from a partner. As Mayim Bialik said, “When we talk about love, you know kind of love addiction, and I’m a person who strongly identifies with sort of like being you know addicted to approval and validation specifically from a partner, like it's like a thing, and you know. I think when some people hear that they just be like, then just stop doing that, like just stop dating those people, like just be yourself, like have more confidence, and you know. I think and people also you know kind of turn their nose up when you talk about, you know there's a whole 12 step program it's called sex, love, addicts anonymous and most people think it's just people who want to fornicate all the time. But it's much more complicated than that. You'll basically find a different body you know, but kind of with the same soul, you know like is often what we do, we just like, we kind of like, we think we're, we think we're moving up and like oh! He's different or she's different, but it's like, it's kind of when we're the one that has that sort of sickness. I will I'll turn anyone into my hostage. @Mayim Bialik”

Sometimes, I feel like maybe it's not all worth it. Over the past weekend, and I’d say since Nathan Chasing Horse was arrested in January.  I've had numerous times where I've talked with other indigenous women. These are women who I trust and who in times of need on either side, we debrief. Sometimes when people are too busy working, or dealing with immediate family conflict, it is conflict in the workplace or just conflict within families it's difficult to step back and debrief. It's these times where we need to review our own mental health checklist.

These two indigenous women over these past seventeen years were here for me. They were here when I conflicted with Nathan Chasing Horse. One, had a teenager daughter who attended Nathan’s sweats and ceremonies, and the other is fluent in the Dakota language. Successful in their own professions, each remembers so many years ago, the conversations I had with them about Nathan Chasing Horse. As it was difficult to speak truthfully with so many girls and women who were infatuated with Nathan. Since January, I have had an opportunity to answer questions from non-indigenous men about how I did, a single elderly indigenous women knew a plastic medicine man, Nathan. I continually used this phrase ‘plastic medicine man’ as Nathan was after money. He was also passing himself off as being a healthy young Lakota man, not medicine man, rather a young horny, rambunctious, arrogant disrespect ugly individual.

It took me all these months to disclose what I am about to write about regarding my feeling I had towards Nathan Chasing Horse. As these feelings were shared with the many girls and women here, but all turned against me. As the first woman’s daughter had such fawn feelings towards Nathan, and her mom shared her concern for her teenage daughter who was a teen mom. The second woman’s mother like my late mother knew how to read, write, and speak Dakota. Any concerns have had about pronunciations or meaning behind a Dakota word was guided by her. She is my most ardent critic as she’s questioned me as to why I not confronted Nathan earlier. It is these two women over these past months who are and continue to be my guides. The following is the psychological profile of myself in my healing journey.

It is important to understand the psychology behind intergenerational trauma. I did not fully understand the impact of sexual violence or witnessing sexual violence had on my own sexual idiosyncrasy. These things I am sharing I have shared with these two individuals, so its nothing new to me or them; however, if you have ever been a victim of sexual violence or have witnessed such violence, then I request you stop reading. As much of this content may not seem relevant. As the stages of healing, I am going to disclose did not happen over night, nor did it seem relevant at the time. There were many events; however, I am going to focus on the past four decades. So, I’ll divide these four stories into an introduction, body, and conclusion. It is this conclusion that will give you the reader an understanding of how I knew who Nathan Chasing Horse was and why it was so very important to give space to his victims by letting them know. ‘There is no statute of limitations’ once an individual makes a report to any police service.  

I found myself in a university town, in the state of Utah. The culture there was so persuasive, that many young women there were so persuaded to marry young. My roommates, bless their hearts, were always inquiring into who I liked who I was going to date. My ambition wasn't to get married. I was 15 years older than my roommates. When we got when we would go out night clubbing, it seemed like there was always hope of finding a future husband on the dance floor. This is where limerence or infatuation played a key part into my storytelling. I could keep these roommates, these curious seekers satisfied, by letting them know I was infatuated with a young man. I was a poor starving university student working full time and paying for my own education. I was too busy to date. I also didn't trust these young men.

My first full time job there was working for the Utah State hospital. I worked on a dorm for teenage girls. I was called a psychiatric aide. It was 24 hours shift work, monitoring and observing teenage girls, reporting back to psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers. I took psychology courses. My main interest was in the physical sciences like physics and mathematics. I was curious about human development. I'd been hired through a screening process. I was told that 500 applicants were submitted and out of the 500 I shortlisted. In much the same way throughout my life, any success didn't quite register. It really didn't occur to me until this year. Yes, this year, in fact this past month, to feel success. I mean to really feel it in my gut that I earned something. Even then I forgot to debrief so I briefly relapsed and went to casino. I digress! I took in gender psychology courses, eliminating self-defeating behavior course and attended a ritual abuse conference. Yet, for some strange reason I didn't want to become a therapist or a social worker, and prior to that even college math instructor. The pressure to date, get engaged, and married, observed under a microscope at church functions where rumors started flying that there was something strange about me; therefore, I was gay, lesbian. The peer pressure to conform, submit, confess lead, I believe me to flight, fright, freeze and fawn. I isolated from my peers. Back in those days, women had no choice but to get married in the Church, have babies, and enter into Heaven once our job is done on this earth. Very little was known about the female sexual response, nor that a woman could chose to not have children, and therefore, eliminate their sexual response to procreate. Keeping in mind that sexual responses for all human beings doesn’t end until we leave this life. Understanding too, that masturbation was not deemed a normal sexual response for either gender.

It was this story, my story, in a college town or in some city where I first started howling at the moon. Its taken my lifetime to become a mature woman who perceives to teach the language of love from that of an indigenous lens. The only desire I had was to please people. This is where infatuation, limerence, fantasy, and delusional behavior fed into how I perceived my own sexuality, my own idiosyncrasy. Stop blaming other people for your problems. “Taking off the doctor hat, what is the best piece of advice on your personal life, on your relationships that you've ever gotten? So, this came from my wife, she went to a seminar when she was young. She grew up with a lot of traumas, and she goes to this seminar while she has cancer. The seminar leader, who happened to be our uncle said, how much responsibility do you want for that? She was offended. Because he's like, it's cancer, it's not my fault. He said, I didn't ask you about blame. He said, responsibility is your ability to respond to this situation. How much responsibility do you want? She said I want 100% responsibility. And I love that so much, because the number one hallmark of self-defeating behavior is blaming other people for the problems in your life. And when you anchor yourself, in personal power. Because when you blame other people for how your life is turning out, you’re a victim and you can't change. And personal power is so important to me. (The Shift Podcast 8-17)” (Throughout this post, I’ll be referring to different life events that taught me something about my own idiosyncrasy that took courage to change my life. Change happens throughout our lives; however, it is the responsibility of being a human being and loving ourselves that we are meant to share.)

It was here that I learned about self-defeating behavior.

“Honestly, I feel ashamed of all the times someone mistreated me. and instead of getting away from them, I danced around trying to make them like me. (Even when the women who were feeling they were in love with Nathan mistreated me for warning them about his behavior towards my step-niece, I tried to please them.) It's embarrassing, and it also makes no sense, it's called fawning. In fact, it's one of the four trauma responses that include fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.  Fawning is when you make yourself small and you act tough, or you try to influence the person you act so nice cause they are mistreating you, and through your sheer goodness, or through being helpful. You know, the selfless helper, you try to almost heal the person who's behaving badly by just taking it from them not showing them that it hurts you. (I thought the only way I could relate to them is to also behave like them and admit that I too was infatuated with Nathan. I thought sharing my feelings with these women, who were mothers, they too could share with their daughters. This obviously did not work out because I didn’t understand how deep the love addiction went for the various mothers.)  Have you done that? It's a common pattern for a traumatized person, but the thing is, it usually progresses to a strong mental vagueness. Where you can't tell it all if it's you who's causing terrible interactions, so you know you that you maybe had trauma in your childhood. (I really did not understand Fawning. I was the eldest daughter and was taught to please my parents by taking care of my younger siblings. I also, tried to please my parents so my mother would not get beaten by my father when he drank.) You learn to fawn to  make your parent happy. You grow up, and then now you are vague you are like, I keep getting into these things where I feel like I'm sort of getting abused. (At nineteen, when I was sexually assaulted, I did not want to make a formal compliant. Despite tribal police and my parents wanting me to act, I felt it was my fault. I felt ashamed!) I can't tell if it's my fault, or is it just me, and am I too picky? Am I the difficult person? Am I a doormat? Either way you don't feel good about yourself, and for that matter, the fawning energy doesn't make people like you, as you know it's a people pleasing but they're not pleased. (Childhood Fairy 9-5)” (This fawning behavior is also a pattern of learned helplessness that those closest to you like family and friends do not want you to change.)

 

Usually we talk about “crap fitting,” that's when you fit yourself to unacceptable people in situations, and most commonly people with CPTSD, do it in romance. There's some mentality there, that if everything just feels terrible, and weird. It must be us, or we better take what we can get because that is all there is going to be. There is this kind of strange almost metaphysical aspect of what you're talking about. Fawning is actually a very negative energy. It's a negative interaction! (When I was eighteen I became promiscuous and lasted until I was twenty-seven years old. It was at this age that I took fawning into the romance stage as it was a very negative energy, I felt I was carrying. I met a deserter from the Vietnam War. I know I fawned him, however, I walked away from him before he hated me.)  it doesn't feel good to be fawned. People don't end up liking you because your people pleasing them. You know you are pleasing them, and so when somebody fawns, from time to time I fawn, and from time-to-time people have fawned on me. (The irony of fawning I that I hated being fawned too. Being promiscuous meant I met men who fawned, and I thought I would sooner find a partner who loved me rather than fawning me. As a result, I chose celibacy.)  I really have very little tolerance for fawning, it is so uncomfortable for me. Because somebody is like dancing around, there trying to make me happy. They are interrupting everything I say. They're literally not listening. They are just so trying to anticipate what I need is going to be and what it and what I am going to say. It's so uncomfortable for me. I end up frustrated and I end up shutting down and pulling away. (For me, pulling away helped me heal from the sexual assault I experienced. It took me decades to report to the RCMP and twenty-seven years ago the last living rapist was found guilty. Sadly, he lives within my community, and still tries to stalk me. I’ve since found my voice, and he knows I will not tolerate his behavior.) For the fawnder, if you're sensing irritated energy, that's all I'm going to give you, is that is it partly you. There's one way that is possibly partly you, that we bring to it, but most of all, it's that we are in a fake idea that if we can just dance around and ignore, being a martyr. Be a really, really, successful martyr like a star level martyr, where we could just take it. (Childhood Fairy 9-5) (You see, for years I thought I was this martyr because I allowed these two serial rapists their freedom. After the RCMP reported to the judge that I was their twelfth or thirteenth victim, and their youngest victim reported during their investigation that took six years. I realized, only through therapy and my own education in psychology that I could have turned into a predator myself. This fawning, this irritating negative energy can convert a victim into a perpetrator. It is why it is so very important to understand that healing at any age or any level will make you the victim wonder why I did not do this healing journey earlier.)

When I first made my application for Indian Residential School benefits, I was told my lawyer that I was a high functioning survivor. Throughout my life I have had non-indigenous people fit into my life, not realizing I was putting them into a racially bias type, that of ‘my white savior.’ It’s a very fundamental way of creating a delusion of some sorts. Over this past year, I have self-reflected. I have gone through some very stressful situations. However, it is my life, here on Tsuutina that I have found healing and peaceful. My reality is of having a white savior is that they provide and create for me a place where I am their hero. This all seems all nice like a childhood fairy tale; however, it is a childhood trauma response morphing from childhood into adulthood and into old age. It is a result of childhood trauma or call it of being raised in an environment where indigenous girls and indigenous women are not considered equal. Some indigenous people seek this hero status by going into politics and becoming a leader within our communities. Others like me, will never be seen as a hero within our own communities because of systemic colonial ideologies about how women should be treated. It is a reason why living next to a city of a million people helps networking outside the norms of First Nation existence. (For those socialized, most called these places RESERVATIONS AND NOT RESERVES. It irritates the hell out of me when I hear my own people say ‘reservation’ when we live in a colonial construct called Reserves, not USAs’ Reservation. Maybe, it cause I’ve lived in the USA.) Nevertheless, I volunteered throughout my life, both on Reserve and off in the city. As I have said, most observe me and feel its their duty to tell me that I am high functioning. Maybe this is what an educated indigenous woman feels, appear, speaks or looks like. It irritates me too. So, if I am constantly trying to not stick out, then it leads me to think what else have I cut myself short of experiencing. For example, this past year I experienced a very stressful period. It was all volunteer work as a board member for a non-profit performance artists organization. My friends helped me reorganize this organization that was at the verge of total collapse. It was so terrible that I had my friend constantly say to me, “don’t have a stroke or a heart attack over this organization, it’s small.” I can not totally explain the stress of working with an unhealthy non-profit board, but it’s the reality of most artist run boards. This stress was so great that a year later after disclosing to the board about my blog. Letting them know the individual I wrote about all these years was finally arrested, that I was receiving attention. A board member asked me not to pursue updating this blog site as she said it would be too stressful and that I needed to ask myself if it was worth it. She referred to the stress I experience with our board and that these next few months would be stressful. I listened. I cancelled something so I could regroup and digest what this blog meant to me and especially those who would seek me out. I thought how my life would change once people knew what I did these past decades. It was a very real-life change thing I am doing making myself public. It is why within this blog I am using video to convey my message or my story of what made me continue to educate people about what it is like for me to live within a First Nations community in CANADA, not USA. This blog also reveals a lot about my healing journey using self-reflective stories. Recently the board praised me. They called me their hero. In front of a group of strangers, I finally without ever wanting such praise found accepting this praise. I earned it. I mean, I accepted this praise. I truly felt like I belonged and earned this status of being this groups’ hero. You may say what does this have to do with the white savior mentality. Well, isn’t it a savior we believe will someday grant us access into heaven or someday elevates us? Whether we want to admit it, we all look for approval and validation. It’s this fine line between love addiction and love, this fine line between fantasy and delusion or illusion, we seek. My life has not focused on Nathan Chasing Horse everyday for these past seventeen years. My life is being a knowledge keeper, an elder, an indigenous woman who encourages other women to develop their voices. I hope and continue to hope that my story, my life, helps people understand healing is not a quick one day, not one week, not one month, not one academic course, not one degree, not one visit to a therapist, not having a white savior friend, not enabling enemies.

MC.PHD says, “A trauma response is a sign of strength. It is not a sign of weakness. It is not a sign that you are broken. So, this narrative that were getting fed that we're broken is scientifically false. We need to redefine trauma, so that's why I wrote this book.” “Unbroken” (It’s reading a book with a group of people and this author, because its her approach to healing. ‘Healing is better when we do ti together.’) She says, it is a “Mix of client stories, neurobiology, psychology, and my own story. Hoping is that you recognize yourself in it and your loved ones. You can strip away some of the shame that has been spoon fed to you by society that wants to keep you sick and heal. (@MC.PHD 8-25) (Much of what I have tried to define with other indigenous women is that trauma response and sexual response go hand in hand. It’s not a sign of weakness and we are not broken. As throughout my years, because I remained single, childless, partnerless, educated, lonely and alone does not mean I am broken. It is a difficult fight to have this narrative replayed repeatedly by traumatized indigenous women. Throughout my educational experience, attending classes with non-indigenous people, I’ve listened also their definition of how they see trauma responses. My blog is a mix of stories, and my story, hoping you recognize yourself in it and recognize those you love in it. As I continue to say or write, it’s this shame I was spoon fed by family, friends, by society that wanted to keep me sick and not wanting to see me heal that lead me to start blogging. A friend some thirty years ago said, the greatest revenge that I could have one those that hurt me was to live my life. She meant to live a happy life, a successful life, and a worthwhile life. As this would hurt those who tried to continue to hurt me because they would not like to see me happy. Lateral violence is not just a one day happening. It’s something. Thirty years ago, reporting a sexual assault that took place twenty-six years earlier, meant fighting against my own shame, my own self-defeating behavior I created. Thinking by suppressing gossip by not associating with certain families, I could live my life. I was completely wrong. Eliminating a self-defeating behavior is peeling an onions’ skin, as one is eliminated, another is discovered and must be eliminated, until finally I reached me core. It is possible. My friend, who died a decade ago, also said, once I started this journey, I would wonder why I did not start this journey earlier. It is one of the many reasons why I started this blog. I would constantly hear indigenous women says, ‘they need to learn the hard way!” I would say, “why?” There are ways in learning from terrible experiences that are not self-defeating.

“Question: Was I ever in love? Was it Limerence? Was it trauma bonding?  ADHD! BPD! CPTSD! Are you infatuated? It could be Limerence as explained by a psychologist in the following: “Have you ever experienced an infatuation for someone that you can't explain? Have you ever struggled to sleep? Have you ever dreamt about someone or imagined a future with them that doesn't exist in reality? (I fell in love with my Vietnam War Deserter. I walked away from him. I invite him into my heart. I realize I would have fawned him to the point he would hate me, but I did not allow this to happen; however, I refuse to see who he was.) Welcome to the world of limerence, seeing it a lot in ADHD. Limerence is this cognitive state where you are obsessed with someone, you think about them, you can't eat, you can't sleep, because they're at the full front of your mind. (He was never someone who I was obsessed about; however, I believe because of his PTSD suffered in Vietnam he was in limerence of me and I was infatuated with him.) Here are the three reasons you experience this intense infatuation; ADHD has lower levels of norepinephrine and dopamine which is the sensation seeking part of your brain. Idealizing someone in your head may meet this need for excitement and mystery. (It seemed like I was exhausted and was looking for some man who was dangerous and exciting. Little did I ever imagine how dangerous he truly was, and I wanted something different It was like two negative energies coming together.) Desire for reciprocity, people who experienced limerence want to be loved and adored in the same way. Usually this comes down to an unmet need in childhood of not feeling good enough, not feeling loved. Other psychological factors such as unmet needs of security safety, love and support can contribute to seeking validation or filling emotional voids through fantasizing about ideal situations that weren't ever met in real life.” (@Steph Georgiou – Psychologist 9-7) (A famous psychologist when he first started treating patients, worked on a hospital ward during the end of WWII. During the three years of counselling soldiers injured both physically and mentally, he developed PTSD by associating with them. It was after WWII that he married and within the first five years of marriage he and his wife had five children back-to-back. His need to feel safe, love and support fill an emotional void. He eventually became famous from his research into PTSD. They say this need to feel approval and validated is more addictive than being addicted to alcohol and drug abuse.)

“Are you really chill and go with the flow in relationships? Is your easy-going vibe a result of a childhood where your voice was constantly silenced, so you learn to stop advocating for your own needs, because if was annoying pointless and instead you focused on placating those around you. (I learned this from watching my older brother defend our mother after our father beat her. My brother and mother would be beaten. I saw what happened if I were to protest my father’s behavior. I used to wonder why my late mother stayed with our father. I did not understand this love addiction they carried for each other. My late mother said she was never taught anything about sex education. She knew they were both abused in those Indian residential schools. I know they did not mean to teach their children learned helplessness.) Your home life trained you to bury your very legitimate needs, and only rely on yourself and making sure your emotions were perfectly contained, because leaning on others what's synonymous with disappointment, and being told you are way too sensitive. (I could see why victims of sexual assault feel their needs for justice will lead to disappointment. My late mother placated her own needs for those of her children. She told me that she did mean to placate me as she felt she could not stop herself. When really you weren't! (babe), so now when a partner turns to you and says what do you need, you freeze or pull away feeling deeply uneasy, awkward. (I believe this is where I sought out the white savior, like a female therapist, a forensic psychologist who constantly asked me what I needed. Yet, this role meant everything to him as long as I was seen as a not receiving legitimate needs. He, being my white savior, did not realized he was containing my emotions to fit into his own need to be praised or worth praise. I never pulled away from him until these past three years our friendship was becoming strained. He was seeking out more attention from me.) As a result, you gravitate towards relationships where your needs are ignored, because at least that's the DEVIL you know.  (Therapy Jeff 9-11)” (I hired a housekeeper. My white savior showed up not realizing I had company. I thought he would be nice to my housekeeper, however, she felt he was rude to her. She felt that he wanted me total attention, and yes, these past years I did give him my attention. The reality was that once he saw me as being someone else’s hero he wanted to be their hero too. His daughter even commented that I was a successful with this blog. Since refusing to include him in my blog or any other podcasts or interviews related to Nathan Chasing Horse, he has left me alone. It is my fault that I kept him as my white savior, but he enables me to participate in his fantasy. Including him in my blog would have pushed me into enabling him into some sort of delusion he wanted or wished.)

Childhood Fairy says, “We must have the self-discipline to go slowly. I did not want to keep having dramatic sad relationships that left me high, and dry and lonely, and worse. I am very depressed. I wanted to have something new. This was the foundation of what I had to change. I had to become emotionally available by slowing down, by bit rushing in, by not hooking into a fantasy idea of what a relationship was, or what somebody I was getting to know. You know like we can really project on somebody we've just met. We can project a whole future with them, but that you know in strictest sense that's objectifying them. What we really ought to be doing early in dating is just listening, just getting to know them, getting to know them. So sometimes, I talk to people about a throne, imagine you have a throne, you sit on your throne, somebody would like to date you. You say, ‘well you may approach’ in your mind. You don't get really treat people like this, but you let them come up, and tell you what it is their intentions are. You let them show you how they feel, and you sort of hang back and observe. Now that's not something a lot of people with attachment wounds do naturally, but you can teach yourself to do it. Observe, let information come to you, let it come to you. Don't go out chasing it! Don't try to get answers! Let information come to you, and it will make you impatient. It will make you anxious, but that is a small price to pay. Avoiding the total, you know, destruction of a potentially good relationship, or the loss of years of your life by getting stuck in a bad one.” (@Childhood Fairy 9-4)

Jaded Motivation says, “A lot of times, and this is one time, I have to say, this happens a lot with men. A lot more than maybe women realize. But again, it happens both ways. Where the desire to have this person is so strong. We can argue that it's infatuation. Maybe its love mixed with obsession, infatuation, of other issues. Whatever the case is, you try so hard that you end up sacrificing who you are. You end up sacrificing your standards. You end up not being yourself. You end up trying to accommodate them, and ignoring the fact that they don't do the same for you. You pour so hard and so much into them, but what the hell are they doing for you?” (Jaded Motivation 7-26) (Nathan Chasing Horse played the martyr. At first glance, I felt he fathered many children like so many men within my community, that I thought this was typical behavior; however, he played the martyr to perfection. He was good at convincing people that he was being persecuted, misunderstood, for practicing what non-indigenous people called ‘witchcraft.’ This desire to be a medicine man was so strong. He appeared to be sacrificing the standards of white supremacy he was raised in. These belief systems, systemic racism, he understood was a big part of cultural genocide taught in those Indian Residential Schools. He played the martyr by not being who they, non-indigenous people wanted him to be, and that ended up not being who he truly was, a medicine man. He knew how to preform or seek out attention. His desire to be accepted as a medicine man was his obsession. The false narrative he played was that the love he gave, he accommodates was not being returned. Its also his undying pursuit of holding ceremonies through sacrifice. His sacrifice he gave by holding ceremonies, ritual around Sundance. This was his sacrifice. Is so called obsession for his peoples’ love. His travelling from place to place with his followers through the generosity of others was his issue. It appeared that it was this love he had for his people, his indigenous people, proclaimed to love through sacrifice. Its these issues he accommodated was so great that he was perceived to not have time to settle down to raise his own children. By the time I started work with him, he had fathered ten children, none whom he raised. This deep love to accommodate his people that had lost so much was a false narrative he created. A need, an obsession, an infatuation with ceremonies that he felt he could teach, as well as being meant to fulfil. But he needed help, donations because communities were not doing the same for him as he gave them. He claimed that he poured so much money, his time into these communities, voluntarily that who the hell was doing anything for him. Why? Because those who did not love this way of life, this spiritual way of life, a life of the teachings of ‘White Buffalo Calf Woman’s ritual and ceremonies, were lost. This was not true. For those followers who never had relatives who practiced these ways of life, of thinking, of reclaiming or searching for what was lost, had their language and their First Nations communities. Nathan was not their martyr. And, for those relatives who practiced before Nathan was born, knew what they sacrificed. Healing journeys for those medicine people, those spiritual people, was great and honorable that what Nathan did and continues to believe is exactly what was predicted. ‘There would come a time when we will forget what it is to be a human being.’ Nathan Chasing Horse is a monster who played on the heart strings of those who continue to be lost.)

 The Living Relations says, “When you experience a strong attraction for someone, 90% of that has nothing to do with who that person is. It's all about your thoughts, your hopes, and your dreams being projected onto this person. What's making you so excited is the idea that this person could be the person who makes all that come true. Now, this is a very normal thing, nothing wrong with it, we all do it. The most important thing is that when you feel that. You don't mistake it to mean that this is the person for you. You recognize that it's your excitement. It's exciting! it's the possibility of love. That it is something worth being excited about. But you still have to take the time to find out who this person is for yourself. So don't mistake your feelings. Meaning they're the one for you. Have your feelings and find out who they are for real.” (@The living Relationship 8-29)

 

Jay Shetty says, “If you're scared of being alone and single and you're going into that relationship because of that fear. Research shows three things happen. The first thing is you're guaranteed to settle for less than you deserve. Guaranteed! (When I first moved back home from the USA, I went out night clubbing. I found women were coming up to me. We talked. Normally, I had an older friend, thirteen years older than me who I normally felt safe to night club with, at least she had my back, and I could rely on her to keep me safe from my session of ‘howling at the moon,’ with stranger. I had also by this stage in my life chosen a celibacy lifestyle, so I had no fears. The problem is that the women who came up to talk to me didn’t realize their husband later would come up to me to tell me to leave their wives alone. I found this strange until I realized these women came from very violent homes where their husband were very abusive. I believe they felt I was encouraging their wives to leave them. So, yes, these women settled for less than they deserved.)

 The second thing is you're more likely to be dependent on that person because you think they are out of your league. So now you will become, do, mold, fold, become anything they want you to be. (This status thing about being a trophy wife or trophy husband seems to continue and will continue well after I am six feet underground. I saw this in the many women my late mother’s age. I believe it must come from the teaching of those priests, fathers, nun, and saintly women who ran those Indian Residential School. Boy were taught that their future wife was meant to be control and to obey their wishes. A woman’s place was to barefoot and pregnant reaping the rewards of being fruitful and multiplying their new religious believes. The Indian Act created this dogma.)

The third is you're going to be scared to leave them because being with them in your mind is better than being alone. (From a Malcolm X speech “…He loved his master. I say he loved his master better than the master loved himself. If the Master said we got a nice house, he said. Yeah, boss, we got a nice house here. Masters’ house caught on fire. The house slave would be the one who run to put the blaze out if the master got sick, he said. ‘Master, we sick. You see, this is the thinking of the house slave. Now another slave came up to him and said let's run away, let's separate, let's get away from this cruel master. He said why was better than what we got here right away. I'm not going anywhere.’(b9560gyn 9-15) For me, you must understand a woman has two choices in this life; to have babies or to not have babies. Today, young women will choice to be a single mother without a husband rather than live with an abusive controlling man. To this day, a wife can dress pretty good, she pretty good with the master left if she provides children for him. The abuse is better than being alone. A cousin of mine’s daughter is in an abusive relationship, as she goes to the rescue of her daughter the abusive husband yells out, ‘do you want to be like your mother and not have a man?’  (@Jay Shetty 7-27)

 

Question: Do you think it will have to be patriarchy or matriarchy? Is an egalitarian existence possible?  Hope_peddler says, “Okay, I’m getting this comment so many times that I thought I would just go ahead and make a video to it. A matriarch is egalitarian. A matriarchy is not the inverse of patriarchy. Leadership and patriarchy is synonymous with power hoarding. The people in the leadership positions are hoarding power to use for their own benefit, and the benefit of other people in their group to the exclusion of other groups. (Especially in First Nations’ communities where there is a shortage of housing, and good infrastructure. A decade ago, within my community, as a single woman there was a by-law created in the seventies that stated a single women could not be granted a home until she reached the age of fifty-five. The home I have is my late mother’s home. I lived away from my community for about two decades, got myself educated too. Yet, if I had not reached the age I am now, I would not be granted any place to live. A have two sisters who also lived away with each paying mortgages and also getting an education. When women get into powerful leadership role they give their children benefits, they hoard power over the rest of their extended families.)This assumption that the person in power is going to use that power to benefit themselves, that is not a default setting of leadership though. We just think that it is because we are in a culture of white supremacy, which has power according as one of its tenants, and because we were in a patriarchy, but that is not a default setting of leadership. There is such thing as leadership for the collective. Leadership by the collective, leadership by consensus, and in this scenario, the leader is not voicing on their views on other people. The leader is not controlling the behavior, or resources that other people get. The leader is just facilitating the conversations that help the group come to a consensus about what they want. (I grew up seeing my Dakota grandmothers come together and work together for the benefit of their grandchildren. I this here too within my community, somewhat but not as collectively as I did with the Dakota community. I believe it was because the Dakota people were never Treaty People under the Indian Act, and were considered exiles from the USA.) I mean think about it. If you put women in charge, who are they going to prioritize? They're going to prioritize the needs of the children, and the children come in all genders, and they come in all ethnicities. Right now, the people who have been socialized as men have been socialized to think about themselves, to see everything as sort of a zero-sum game. In other words, if I give to you, that necessarily takes from me. And if I want something, I have to take it from you Whereas the people socialized as women right now, have been socialized to consider the needs of the group. They've also been socialized to have higher emotional intelligence, so they're less likely to lead in a reactive way, in a way that that prioritizes their own ego. Generalizing here, but socialization is a powerful thing. And I don't know that many women who don't think of the needs of the entire group, of the entire family when they're making decisions. (These decision I saw were made by the grandmothers within the Dakota community. We gathered berries, harvested corn, cooked for the entire family. As my late grandmother, she woke up early each morning, frying bread and frying eggs and bacon, brewing up coffee for the entire family of four groups.) And I don't know many men that do think about the needs of the entire group when they're making decisions, as opposed to prioritizing their own needs. Matriarchal leadership is not the inverse of patriarchy. It is not a bunch of women hoarding power to use for the benefit of women to the exclusion of men. Is a collaborative leadership of consensus that just has women facilitating that consensus. They are leading the discussions; they are setting the priorities. They are making sure that everybody gets time to have to be heard. They aren't using their leadership position to decide for everybody and then enforce their decision on everybody. Now, it might be the case that if we do switch to this egalitarian way of living led by women, that we would then socialize our children differently. So, it might be the case that the first couple generations of this egalitarian society has to be a matriarchy because women are the best people. The people socialize these women are the best people to step into the leadership of an egalitarian society. (If I did not think my voice would never be heard by other indigenous women, I would not have started this blog. I knew that by writing about what I experience with Nathan Chasing Horse, I could somehow prevent others from being hurt by this monster. As the years went by I started making acquaintance with many women who were trying to rebuild their lives after being shattered by this man’s sexual assault. I could tell if someone was just curious about his blog and I could tell if the individual was serious. It was in the way they told their stories. Those who were serious were branching out helping others with their stories as well. These women would talk about how they were creating support groups for their healing journey. I knew they were serious and I kept in touch with them.) But it might be the case that when we stop socializing kids by gender, that in two, three, four generations, it doesn't even need to be a matriarchy anymore. Because everybody is adequately socialized for leadership. Everybody is taught emotional intelligence. Everybody is taught how to regulate their nervous system. Everybody is taught to think of the needs of the groups, but for right now, the people in the best position to do that are not only just women, but they're probably black and indigenous women. Because even white women have been socialized to dehumanize certain groups of people without even realizing it. Probably needs to start out as a melanated matriarchy, and then we will hopefully be lead into a future that socializes everybody outside the confines white supremacy culture and patriarchy. (As indigenous women, I believe we know we needed other women. Thirty-three years ago I started a support group within my home. I encouraged other women to do the same. I also volunteered for the Native Women’ Shelter in Calgary as a Board member. My own personal struggles helped me to understand the scope of how deeply entrenched inter-generational trauma persists generation after generation.)(@hope_peddler 8-22)

 

MEAN GIRLS WHITE ADJACENCY  YK says, “. OK, A bunch of people turn me on this tweet to respond, it's it's so horrific and disgusting. So, this person Diana is tweeting in response to news at San Francisco is planning on providing black folks preparations. Her tweet is horrific. It says no black San Francisco. So the rest of us reparations for all the crime, they're not all criminals. Well, we're not all responsible for redlining their poor educational outcomes. Low income, high incarceration, whatever else there demanding payment for. It's disgusting. It's horrible. (I’ve heard this a decade ago when the survivors of Indian Residential Schools were telling their stories. Many people were saying these stories were not true and why reconcile their abuse from these government run organizations. Is it any wonder why indigenous people hesitant to speak to anyone connected to the government, including investigative reporters.)  Diane is also apparently the founder and director of a foundation that works against affirmative action. OK, I've said this in so many different ways, so many different times. So let me try a different approach this time. There's a coming of age trope in literature and movies and shows where the protagonist girl wants. To be apart of the popular girls who also of course are Mean Girls. So in order to try to become a part of them she starts mimicking them. An in the process she portrays her actual best friends. In my view, original true friends were the ones where the actual rock stars, their creative super smart support you lift. You want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Where is the popular Mean Girls are just a caricature of themselves. And of course the popular Mean Girls don't ever actually accept her, they just pretend to and continue to mock her behind her back. So, the joke was and always is on that protagonist girl. She will never be apart of that group, ever. She eventually realizes that those popular Mean Girls are a farce, their miserable, and that they. (I truly felt this way, when I live in the State of Utah, amongst Mormon girls and women. It was especially noticeable amongst the indigenous church going congregation. They pretended that they were concerned about my soul’s eternal happiness when really, they just did like me, maybe because I reminded them of themselves, or their poor parents who had given them up into the Mormon Foster Care system. This mentality was just he is beginning of this need for ‘the dome,’ ‘white proximity’ or ‘white adjacency’ mentality that the other is better than the original culture. You see, Nathan Chasing Horse hid his desire for this ‘Indigenous man like him seeking white adjacency has being anti blackness.’ Nathan knew is abuse of power and privilege worked when tearing apart groups like white supremacy did. It was dangling a myth about indigenous spirituality could be reached by his followers if they obeyed him. He saw how our own indigenous people turned against each other and he used this same tenet to drive a wedge between families. Torment everyone to be in that position of power when it comes to the movies. The protagonist eventually begins to understand herself how abuse of power and privilege work and realizes finally that the friend she had before in fact were her true friends all along. So let's think about real life now. Asians, particularly East Asians who try to be adjacent with witness, will never be apart of the very group. With which they are trying to align. It is an endless illusion where everyone else knows the reality except for the Asians who are seeking white proximity. White supremacy always uses them to make itself more powerful by dangling A myth for them to reach foreign simultaneously, it will knock them eventually also sacrificing them soon enough. We witnessed it during the 60s and 70s. When it was manufactured and marketed to drive a wedge between Asians who are supporting the black power movement. We witnessed it during the Sinophobia of Covid escalating a political war. We witnessed this with conservative far right whites who used Asians of the wed to takedown affirmative action. We've witnessed it over and over and over again. And guess what? All it does is pop up and feed white supremacy, unlike the movies were things usually sort out and smooth out. Very present in real impact of Asians seeking white adjacency is anti blackness which has real life and death impacts that reverberates through healthcare, education, housing, the climate, everything and more. (I briefly touch on this in another post where I found myself ghosting two professional people, one an acquaintance and the other my therapist. I didn’t realize that I was like Nathan when he aligned himself with wealth white privileged people to belong. I really believe Nathan believes he is red power movement. They reality is he is no different than me. It took this blog, the attention of many non-indigenous people to see me, to feed my love addiction of approval and validation that I was worthily of love to step back. Step back and reconnect with those I grew up with within my community, both in the city and here, Tsuutina. You see love addiction is not wanting the physicality of intercourse, rather its emotional. I’ve discussed this in other posts regarding limerence and intergenerational trauma responses.)This lie the bait to align with whiteness is very well funded and white supremacy uses it to sustain itself. Here's the thing, aligning with whiteness means individualism that directly causes the oppression of more people. Including your own? How about instead of that we work to align with everyones liberation? Let's tap into our cultures of interdependence that white supremacy has been trying so hard to take away from us and deprogrammers from Let's reclaim back community. Let's uplift everyones liberation. Liberation by definition has enough room for everyone. And to get there, we do need reparations for black people. We need land back under stewardship of indigenous folks. And it means understanding that we cannot allow ourselves to be divided and used as a wedge. I believe in us. I believe in us. Let's do the work you all. (@YK 9-24) (This is what I am doing in writing this blog, is reclaiming my community. The young women in their thirties who were all attending Nathan’s ceremonies and their moms, and families are closer because of this reclaiming community. This is what I hope comes out of my interviews with non-indigenous peoples. Whether we as indigenous people fully understand how far we come in our own individual healing journeys, we are much better people for not allow those who oppress us into other spaces.