I believe we tend to think sexual harassment & sexual interference is normal behavior for men. And, it’s not just women thinking it normal it’s men as well. As I’ve found over these decades sometimes older women still hold onto the addiction to relationships. I see it in female politicians who are not good leaders. As there’s something to be said about this as females wanting someone to control us even if it’s a female politician.
In some cases, in extreme cases, just look at the masochistic relationships young girls get themselves involved in having an older female friend. As for myself I didn’t know I was bonding with older women as if they were my mother. I thought they had wisdom about living life and could teach me. It was a safety net. My friend looked after me when we went out clubbing. The only thing is I was so caught up in my own sexual activity I didn’t see my friend as a sexual being. Yeah, she got herself into some strange relationships with men. I even gravitated to female peer friendships were there was a alpha female in our little pack. It wasn’t a gang cause they were all sisters with me being a second cousin to all of them.
Well, the reason I’m mentioning friendships is because all of my female friends have gone home. Each one taught me a lesson as I had quit certain behaviors I thought were damaging to my health. They continued self harming behavior for decades. I really don’t think they understood their own addiction cause they were heavy into drugs. I believe I was spared cause I just never got into a sexual relationship with harden criminals like they had and continued throughout their lives.
But I’m going off topic as addiction to relationships isn’t noticed or wasn’t because their addiction to alcohol & drugs concealed tgeir itger addiction. It’s taken me years to understand my own part in promoting this rape culture. Cause I really don’t believe some women realize how active they are in concealing deviant sexual activity.
I had started noticing how some of my peers were treating me. Imagine if you will an environment where there’s no alcohol or drugs or smoking. I thought I had hit Shangri-La. the problem was my behavior. It’s didn’t matter to my peers that I wasn’t sexually active. All that matter was whether I was a good religious young woman. You see my problem was that I cared what my peers thought of me. My weakness was getting the best of me.
Throughout my blog I’ve written about as human beings we are the only animals that walk into danger cause we do not trust our gut. Well, without eliminating my own self-defeating behaviors I was unable to step back and reflect. I didn’t have the skill to have strong healthy boundaries. I was basically coping. If some said I was an alcoholic I’d say yes or if they said I was a drug addict I’d say yes or if I was a slut I’d say yes. I made it easy easy for people to shame me or guilt me without any facts. Imtgis was how concerned I was to please people. I was basically my mother’s daughter, my aunt’s niece.
My behavior seemed normal; however, I wasn’t in my First Nation’s community, I was working my way through university in the USA. I had a full time job and really tried. I’ve never really been a well person and realized I needed to come back into Canada cause I’d get help with medicine & doctors. Living in the USA meant I worked at jobs that had good health coverage. I knew if I really got sick my insurance would be cut off so I moved back.
So, behavior or self defeating behavior is different than self harming behavior. Although, I believe self harming behavioral does coverup or hid the self defeating behavior. It’s difficult to eliminate self defeating behavior if one is addicted to their own self harming behavior. Like I’ve said, I’ve buried so many young women with self harming behavior. They never got an opportunity to heal their self defeating behavior like me. For this I am truly grateful. And, in some ways it’s a way of honoring such women. Cause I know and knew them as children knowing their behavior wasn’t what defined them in my opinion.
I write my blog too hoping my story will help others who are wondering about their own self defeating thoughts. And, life would have it I can reflect back over the decades as to what behavior I was in denial about. This is where my gut would tell me a certain man wasn’t good for me. I knew it so I didn’t persue any of these men; however, this didn’t mean that I didn’t thinking about them. For you see, a self defeating thought kept me from letting go. I held onto the thought. Yes, that just maybe my gut was wrong. Silky me, decades went by and different men caught my eye until recently I hadn’t really seen the pattern.
I person looking in or reading my therapist’s notes would see what the hell I was doing but for me I couldn’t. And, the reasoning for this was I just didn’t want to think or see this pattern. So here’s the spark that lit a light within my soul. This pay year I’ve had an opportunity to reacquaint myself with a handful of people whom I’d befriend decades ago. We weren’t all educated back in the day. So, for me I seek out people who knew me. It’s a vain thing. This way I get to see if I made the right decisions for myself.
And again too it also reflected his people saw me when I was a young adult. So here’s the rub. A well educated man had admired me. Now, think about this as this is from his point of view. From my prospective, a preception of reflecting my own self defeating behavior into where I was psychologically when all of my peers were together. It’s like having a controlled group. Each one I approached and with each one got an impression of myself. So, this is what I found out.
I didn’t realized what this highly educated man had done. Cause back in the day he was in grade twelve, eighteen and I was nineteen. He had sexual harassed me. He had sexual groped me. When I confronted him with these alligation he stopped writing to me; however, prior to my confronting him I had read his story. He opened up to me about his life. I want you, the reader to understand that it took months of writing and my reflecting about what he meant to me decades ago. It was in these reflective moments as well as his inappropriate reluctance to respect my boundaries that I dissected. Who I was then.
I believe to this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong. And really after all that he’s done through involving all the physical and psychological damage he’s done to himself. I doubt if he ever will realize his own self defeating behavior. I had thought being educated & being able to hold a job along with all that an upper middle class life can offer, was the ideal.
It doesn’t. That same young man I had met who treated me like I was some kind of slut that he could sexually harass me without any reprimand from our peers. The same young man who sexual groped me saw nothing the matter with his behavior. I had offered healthy boundaries and he stopped writing. The disturbing behavior for me was his denial. Apparently, he only regretted not telling me he wanted a relationship with me.
Back in the day when we were young I knew he was bad news for me. And, this is where it begins and ends. Throughout my life my gut would tell me certain men were not good for me. I’d either play a scenario in my mind "should of, would of and could if:;" it never occurred to me that this was my gut trying to tell me "TRUST ME!!" Don’t obsess on any scenario just walk away. ( yeah! Walk away from dangerous men)
And this is where that rape culture mentality comes into play. There are so many waking wounded people playing different scenarios in our heads cause we don’t trust our gut instinct. I think and knuwbits because we’ve blamed ourselves. Blaming ourselves for not being able to help our mom’s from being beaten or not being able help a brother from being beaten.
I know it’s sounds easy and I wish it were. My blog proves it’s not; however, the journey is worth it. I first started wanting to warn people of this indigenous creepy predophile who uses his traditional dancing outfits and his Entourage to recruit vulnerable women. Women who feel or have felt a disconnection from their fathers. For me, I was angery at my dad; however, I spoke to him in intimate matters. "All that glitters is not gold" my father was an alcoholic who hit rock bottom; however, he risked his life for me as a child and that respect kept me thriving. It kept me open enough to see this pedophile fir what he was. The gruel reality is that in seeing this plastic medicine man as a pedophile meant also seeing my brother and brothers for who they were and are.
Life isn’t perfect none of us are perfect. In my case, I’m grateful for the reflective skills I have. Isn’t this what they teach people who hope to help others is to heal themselves first. I counsel young people to really think whether psychology is tgeir best choice. Yes, we need more mental health workers; however, it’s my opinion that some are all academic rather than spiritual. And in time when young people refuse therapy it’s best to help in whatever way possible.
I hope and continue to hope my blog helps others think and rethink. I’m not perfect as I’ve said I relapse into self defeating behavior m; however, I don’t stay in the rut spinning my wheels of self pity. I drive out knowing I have these skills to help me.
ON ANOTHER NOTE dealing with his deep rooted this rape rape is here’s another example::::;
When I woman feels the need to tell me ..."but, I love him.." makes me wonder is it love or is it her addiction to love being like a spoilt child wanting someone others have. When one grows up seeing or feeling a woman’s love for anyone man is based on their addiction to their relationship, I’ve wondered. Are they truly happy? Or do they feel like they’re giving up control to their partner thinking this letting go of ones boundaries is love. I’ve found this interesting when the woman saying this "but, I love him.." is on going into her third marriage.
I hope the men in my life reflect love, meaning their ability to see such women as having issues of control. It’s not always the man’s fault; however, who said life was going to be easy.
I’m grateful for my younger brother’s insight into this woman. Decade later I understand his confusion about women, especially this woman.
So, trust your gut. I know it’s difficult. It can be staring you right in the face. It was told to me through an analogy like this: "when your driving and you see a pot hole and drive right into it. You feel the bump. You continue driving trying to avoid each pot hole. As your driving you start managing to avoid a pot hole until eventually you miss them; however, once in awhile you accidentally hit one. Our addiction to a thought especially a self defeating thought is difficult to eliminate. The morale is that it can be eliminated. The problem is that it takes your courageous effort to succeed.
It’s not easy to trust your gut. Remember we are the only animal to walk into danger. 💕🙏🏽💕
The indigenous guy who groped me and sexually harassed me went on to marry Only non-indigenous women. Needless to say his actions speaks volume to me, a proud Dakota woman.
