A friend from Kitchener Ontario says..

As my sister with her two adult children travel to Ontario today, a friend camps at Pancake Bay Provincial Park , Ontario. She invited me to stop in if I were with them & sadly that’s a 

BIG NO! 

My niece is moving east of Toronto. Before heading to Clarington they’ll stop off in Montreal Quebec.  My nephew who speaks fluent French will feel at home there. 

Life changes whether we hold on to it or chose to let it go. So, let it go as it’s Creator’s Will that these changes are meant to happen. As much as we want our loved ones close to us, we must realize it’s their lives to live. 

The following is a conversation I had with my friend, an artist I met decades ago at the same Art College. She was my instructor & I was her pupil. 

Friend - It is so heart breaking to hear about your niece.

Me - Thank you, I’m grateful I had hindsight to seek out psychotherapist decades ago. I say to people when working with people it’s important as even psychotherapist have psychotherapists. I’ve understood this when I turned 30. Yes! She was born addicted cause her mom was an addict.

Friend - that is so sad. Another victim of white colonization. I hope her (and her mom's) spirit is at peace now. I hope in your speaking out it is helping you heal. I know it will be helping others. Speaking out, and blogging really assist others to find a way to navigate through their own challenges. As your Native Calgarian friend said, YOU ARE A ROCK STAR!!! Actually, you are an amazingly wise and powerful woman who speaks honest truths about extremely difficult subjects.

Me - Healing is a life time journey has white colonization effects us all. ❤️🙌🏽🙏🏾👍🏽

Friend - It does. It is hard to respond to that, as I watch and listen to the trauma, racism, abuse, and genocide, all the horrific experiences of rez schools, 60's scoop, I find that I cannot even come close to knowing the depths of these traumas, even though the pain and hurt in hearing about it penetrates to my bones. I lower my head in sadness, and disgust for what people of my skin colour have done (and continue to do). How many years of my life did I spend not really understanding what colonization was all about? I lived a happy little childhood, while other children were suffering in the residential schools, or living in homes with foster parents because of the 60's scoop. I knew nothing of this.  The schools certainly didn't give us the truth. It has caused so much trauma-related hardships for everyone who is indigenous. It is good that you speak so openly to educate us. There are so many layers of healing that are needed.

Me - Yes! ‘And miles to before we sleep...’ 🙏🏾 PTSD, relapse, recovery & finding courage to find our own balance in our journey home... Thank you for being you 💕🙏🏾💕

Kate “Love Medicine’ or ‘Love Bombing’

So this morning I got on the phone with my friend Kate everytime I have this epiphany and need to debrief or understand where I'm coming from or like give her some revelation that I've had this movement forward in my life and she's a good person I can bounce concepts off of or even get to understand like my position like she holds space for me and and it's it's a good space I think it's it becomes a sacred space especially when you trust somebody and for Kate I do the same thing for her so it's a mutual relationship that Kate and I have So what was the discussion this morning yes the discussion this morning had to do with the concept of love bombing an from kate's POV she was coming on pretty strong and saying well it has to do with obsession that has to do with somebody like giving flowers and adoration to the other person to the point where like it's smothering and the person you know just is relentless in trying to get that persons attention so eventually the person will fall in love with them yeah that's extreme but there's also a very mild type of love bombing that I had to explain to Kate about because for me it it wasn't just something that happened like in a month or two or a year there's also very subtle form of love bonding based on intergenerational trauma and I mean based on the individual who's being love bombed as having a need to have somebody pay them attention so without even knowing that I had been doing this continuously it was sort of a revelation for me and so the analogy would be well then why didn't I stop sooner because I didn't know I I always sought out the help of other intellectuals or pardon me for being so bold but I never really saw myself as an intellectual so when I first met this man he had been my therapist I had sought him out because I was looking for a psychologist that had some cross cultural indigenous training and this is the crux or the the issue here too is when you seek out non indigenous therapists there is a danger to and that danger has to do with love bombing and also cultural appropriation there's so many issues that I've as an indigenous person that you know I was really challenged and I'm saying not just like recently like this is this is something that goes on like this individual I've known for 30 years the second one I've known for 15 years so the first the first person yes had had indigenous cross cultural training and I managed to you screen potential people that I that I find because I find that there are some therapists who are just just playing curious and are bottomless pits bottomless in the sense that I could be talking and talking and there's no end to it but at the same time I do believe that their therapists have an obligation to cut their client loose but I think sometimes there's some codependency as well as some issues of getting paid so because I have been covered and I do get my therapist paid through non insured health benefits because I am a survivor of Indian residential school I'm a survivor of day school I'm a survivor of intergenerational trauma where my parents went to residential school in the same with my grandmother that being said I am the first generation who was never Rick like I was raised by my parents and my grandparents so my parents weren't raised by their their parents or the grandparents the same like I know my mother had some understanding of being raised by her grandmother but All in all intergenerational trauma is real and I'm going back to this love bombing again now in this blog I spent from 2011 being totally anonymous I never gave up my name to anybody some people were so obsessed with me that they sought me out knew my name got my phone number and even called me so yes when there's a will there's a way and someone will track you down even though you try to be anonymous this blog has been a healing blog for me because I've kept myself anonymous now what is the difference why did I get cured from love bombing and that's the question that Kate and I were talking about this morning so the question is there's two will call a dichotomy's or two will say dimensions or two lives that were lived one was anonymous and the other one was quite public like people knew this other person so it's not like I have a split personality or anything I'm just using it as an analogy so that you can help you understand the the reasoning for my stepping out of this relationship with two people and why I call it love bombing so for quite a few years if I needed any help just discussions or like I had issues with my immediate family orc my community or just topics in general I would reach out to the first person and it got to the point in the past few years that he would seek my attention he would want me to have my own about attention and come visit me and we'd have discussions no interruptions whatsoever the second one I would make sure that I would visit her at least once or twice a month and this went on for quite a while and she got paid for it the first person never got paid for it OK So what makes them similar well the point is my addiction for attention I needed my ego stroked I use the analogy of this little puppy and these two people would cuddle me you know just like a little puppy patting me on the nose and saying what a good little human or good little animal that I am and I'm I'm not trying to show them any disrespect like they I did gain some knowledge from them and I do appreciate I did I do appreciate the time I have spent with them however when it comes to love bombing it's the enabling wanting me to come to them 4 for attention like they would give me the attention I was seeking and blatantly another obtrusively and just boldly and without any sense of like pride I would go and seek them out like just like I need to talk to someone see please listen to me now that's fine and dandy but like I my friend Kate and I we don't have that same relationship we would talk about we talk about everything and with the other two people it was a little different so OK the other life the other dimension the anonymous one since 2011 I had this anonymous life online with anonymous people from Alberta Saskatchewan British Columbia Arizona South Dakota California Oregon and the topic was Nathan chasing horse they didn't know who I was they just knew that I was an indigenous woman who would give them my life experience and how I dealt with him and my advice and how they should deal with him and also my background the fact that I'm a victim of rape and how I went through the police system and the things that I encountered working with the RCMP or the lack of attention that I was getting or even what happened when I went to court and even after court the lateral violence I experienced from the perpetrators family a lot of things that when women want to heal and want to confront their perpetrators is not an easy thing so that was the purpose of my purpose of my of my blog was if any girl or woman young woman old older woman would seek me out I would try to use my knowledge like I'm an elder I'm 71 years old and they say that I'm a knowledge keeper and rightfully so a lot of people don't ever take their perpetrators to court a lot of people don't ever talk about sexual violence nor do they talk about sexual response and that's the question too I think a lot of indigenous women and maybe women in general and that's where my friend comes in Kate the reality that as women in the world there are some things that we totally have in common and that was the nature of my blog was and wanting an making an eye saying approving or allowing two men to come into my life and interview me was not a question of like oh the poor indigenous woman victim of Nathan chasing horse knew the question was and the answer is I'm a woman just like everybody else in the universe so when Kate and I were talking about love bombing she said that it was a bit extreme that I was looking at these two individuals having loved bombed me for decades and I said to her well there is a difference I said one one is like getting attention because I'm I'm basically performing to get the attention not really knowing that I was doing it at an unconscious level like an addictive level 'cause they say the victim of love bombing you seek it out because it's a really deep addiction a greater addiction than alcohol or drugs and rightfully so because with alcohol and drugs you can consume it whereas when it's love bombing it's very mental and so I say to Kate I said the difference is there was an epiphany when I had two individuals seek me out for an interview over this blog now you know what's the difference well the difference is yes they were giving me attention by asking me questions questions like how did I know who Nathan chasing horse was at the very beginning the question is why do why do I think he got away with purple trading for decades questions that the general public would ask or were curious about and the fact that I you know I said OK I'll do the interview when there were so many other people within my community who had the opportunity to be interviewed but chose to talk to the these people not just in Canada but this other fellow in California had a community where people would talk to him too so not everybody people were talking to where willing to put their names out in public so the reality of the fact that all of a sudden I'm going to become public was a very scary proposition I found myself texting both of these individuals like almost obsessively and I was wondering why am I doing that like I was thinking are they going to portray indigenous women or are they going to portray me as a woman and that's part of the BLOB why I'm doing this audiotape and I'm going to be doing video tapes on this blog to with other other women's not just indigenous women and the topic is going to be about about Nathan chasing horse and the experience I had dealing with him since 26 it's basically summarizing everything that I've written about him in a few short videos and or audio so getting back to love bombing now why is it different that these two individuals who interviewed me why is it different that I'm not addicted to at them whereas that was addicted to these other two people who I'd known for like 30 and 15 years and the difference is the two people knew me where is the two knew people didn't know me I was anonymous I wasn't out there unconsciously seeking attention because I think the intergenerational trauma I think it's a very unconscious thing it's something that is just there it's so unconscious that you don't even know you're doing it and that's the reality of it so it was very difficult for me to just cut these two people off but I had to do it because when a person in love bombs you and you try to talk to them there's no way they're going to understand and the only way that you can deal with them is to just establishing boundaries and say that's it because at the at the same time even though it's unconscious on my part imagine from their point of view so that being said because I am going to become quite public and because I am public above this blog love bombing has ceased to rule my life I didn't realize it was such a big issue until I got the attention from this blog and I'm very grateful that this blog has healed me of intergenerational trauma it's not an easy thing to talk about it's not an easy thing to you know put myself out there for the public to see and most of the women that have been supporting me I really admire the work I've done I know it's emotional and most of the content that she'll be listening to or hearing if it triggers you then you need to stop listening to me now I don't mean to offend anybody and I don't want you to be triggered and if it triggers you then you need to go and seek therapy or you need to really take a look at yourself and you know question yourself how do I get triggered do I get triggered 'cause I'm isolated do I get triggered 'cause I'm grieving do I get triggered 'cause I'm creating chronic stress or I'm in uncontrollable chronic stress so those things are very real in First Nations communities and a lot of times we have people and they're their hearts in the right place but they're not indigenous and they come into our communities wanting and seeking some knowledge they want to be knowledge keepers but it's impossible it's impossible because it's a lived lived experience so that's the difference without these two people in mental health understanding that they've been love bombing me instead of creating space for me to be just me they've been love bombing me and it like I said it's not it goes from extreme to very subtle and so the story I'm talking about is something very subtle but at the same time it was very addictive so that being said much of what I talk about in terms of my relationship with Nathan chasing wars my relationship with his followers my relationship within my community has a lot to do with how people get triggered in the topic of talking about Nathan chasing wars I think that's probably one of the reasons why I started blogging is because when I started talking about him in my community people would just shut down or people would you know wonder like why am I talking about him he's a good man so I don't know what else to say I just know that or not as perfect as we think we are I will constantly be going through phases of recovery and relapse when it comes to my mental health limerence obsession triggers like I try to tell people grieving is chronic in our communities we're constantly being bombarded with grief chronic stress as well even isolation so making an effort to be there for yourself and for other people is important so I hope but you will continue listening to the audios that I create as well as listening to some of the interaction I will have on a zoom conference on various topics but it's taken me a lifetime My cousin said to me once she found out Nathan chasing horse was arrested she said your lips are warm to see his victims getting some justice it's it's really triggering it's triggering because I think of my parents think about grandmother I think about the times they could have had justice not just them the hundreds of thousands of indigenous children that didn't have a voice because they said Marina grim granny would be proud of you but it's not just that it's it's indigenous women nice enough is enough stop hunting us stop killing us stop taking away our children stop hurting them OK I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry but that's going to be the case because I used to do this with Kate so Oh no it's OK like I said we're all human beings on this journey and you know our spirits are resilient our souls are resilient and whatever the truth is it helps it helps moving forward because you have to be in the now you can't suppress your feelings if you suppress your feelings you cut yourself off to people who actually are there for you people who actually love you that's what I'm saying you know that's the reality my parents fell in love my grandparents fell in love isn't it important that our children understand what love is OK that's it I'm done for the day I'm going to try and post this and hopefully like I said if it triggers you don't go any further if it doesn't well stay tuned to some other some other audio tapes thank you have a good day bye bye 

I’m so excited!! My niece is finally in her new home.

 I’ll probably do more edits on this blog, but in the meantime, I’ve got some plans to write some stuff down today. However, there are two things that are happening this week. Well, more than two things to be excited about. Today my cousin is getting married. Yay. I haven’t been to a wedding like in decades, so this is exciting. The other thing is my niece is moving to Ontario this week. She is going to be living in Clarington Ontario, which is east of Toronto. I’m excited for her. She got a job promotion and she’s going to be there for two years and that means I get to visit her. Yay. 

Yeah, she’s leaving Edmonton on Thursday and driving across the country with her brother and mother in tow. They’re going to take their time traveling and being tourists driving across Canada. I’m excited because I get to live vicariously through the pictures they’re going to send me. Also along the way, they’ll stop off at various places that I’ve set up for them so they could sleep and rest. 

As much as the Content of this blog is so heavy laden and emotionally impacted with every day living tragedy. There is some hope and brightness what happens in the background of my life. So yes, my cousin is getting married today. Yay and my niece is moving to Ontario yay and are Pow Wow is starting this weekend so there’s going to be thousands of people in my community. Yay. 

Also, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel for this blog. I’m just so grateful that I can finish it but I can start videotaping an audio taping. It took a while, but believe me I’m glad I did it, so yeah I still have some more stuff to write, with sort of tweak it here and there but all in all I think everything the way it supposed to be set up. yeah so I’m excited I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel Yes 

My late brother would tell me to go out an be amongst people. I did do that by moving to the great state of Utah. Yay! wasn't that great! On one of trips visiting home and going back into the states I met an eighty-five year old woman. We kept each other company. She mentioned how right out of high school she met her husband. He passed away about fifteen years prior. She told me she never knew what it was like to be single until he died. She had no regret as he was a good man; however, she told me never get married, stay single and enjoy your life. I have met so many single women throughout my life and we've all come to the same conclusion and that its better to remain single. For those who did have a partner they've said if they were to ever met up with someone their equal they would partner up. This isn't easy. 

My niece is enjoying her single life and I am thinking her brother may just move in with her. They are as thick as thieves these two gangsters. I already miss her. They are both like my own children. So, be self-compassionate as  if we can not do this for ourselves then how are we going to compassionate to others. 

This blog is like a psychology paper

Final outline … DONE

The order in which the information is presented should follow this structure:

1. Introduction - A brief introduction into who you are, what the purpose of the blog/podcast is, what is your relationship with the subject matter (without getting into specific details) e.g., My name is Marina Crane doc

2. Describe in detail how you first got involved with this subject and the reasons why you got involved.   (combination of Julie 2 and Limerance post)

3. Broader analysis of the systemic issues that show up in the case (Marina's Podcast) 

…It looks like everything’s coming along for a zoom meeting. Sometimes I don’t feel my age, and other times I think that I am really old.

I’ve noticed a difference in how people think. I mean people that I’ve known this past decade. We all grow old and our poor brains age as well. I’m just hoping I can get this blog finished and a video on zoom with some interaction with other people.

Take today for example, when I’m looking at dates and times of when family members have passed away. I really feel old.

I just got off the phone with my aunt. I remember when I was five years old holding onto her hand. Heard my uncle had just gotten married. Now I call my aunt. I tell her I’m feeling lonely and alone. And she says I do too And rightfully so she was married to my uncle for so many decades. I love the idea that I can call her up that we can talk tonight. She said to me. She said sometimes I cry and I cry she says, but what can I do? 

I joke around with my nieces and nephews, and I say to them why did you grow up? The inside joke was don’t grow up. The reasoning behind that was if they grew up then that means I’m getting older.

My late mother and I used to talk about death and dying. She would talk about her grandmother, and then she talked about being afraid to die.

I know this sounds depressing and I don’t mean to make you feel depressed. It’s just sometimes it’s like Wednesday the middle of the week and you’re getting over that hump. Well there are times like this when I feel like I’ve got this to do and I’ve got that to do but yet do I even want to do anything.

When Ronald Reagan became president at 73 I would tell people that look at the experience he brings. Now you look at Biden and he’s even older than Ronald Reagan.

I had a classmate whose grandmother was 85 years old and publishing her third book on calculus. So enough of my feeling isolated, depressed alone, and trying to stress myself out because it’s not working. It’s just a matter of getting this blog format done which I have just Outlined. 

It’ll be exciting to get it done. There will be some sort of statement as I don’t wish to be bombarded with questions and any negative comments. It’s for this reason that I’m changing all the names to pseudo names.

Keep in mind though I don’t know if people really want to do that type of research to actually know the people that I’m writing about.

In any case, I’m just very grateful for all the people who’ve supported me in these past six months. I feel like I’m a lot wiser, calmer, and less cynical. As my late father would say as he’s talking to my late mother in the kitchen. He basically commented saying, it ain’t over til it’s over. 

And rightfully so when my energy leaves this plane of existence, whatever connection I had will cease, and the living organism that I was involved in, will go on without me. I’m just grateful that I’ve been able to participate in this spiritual journey called life.

BE AN ALLY THEY SAID…

I grew up next to a city. I believe I was a good child. I saw my parents struggle to put food on the table. I didn’t know it was any different from anybody else. Then in elementary schoolI had my classmates, yelling out, ‘wagon, burner,’ ‘squaw’, and other insidious remarks.struck my life, that’s my younger life, I had many non-indigenous friends. However, it didn’t occur to me what an ally was.

It’s one thing to ask somebody to be your ally. But for me, being in an indigenous woman, I wasn’t too sure. You see, it wasn’t my parents fault how they raised me. Nor was it my grandparents, fault, and how they raised my parents. Each generation was raised in Indian Residential School’s, and each generation was trained to obey and listen to what a person with white privilege had to say. 

As a child, I grew up hearing the word, or the question; “what color is God’s skin?” As a teenager I saw a book called “God is RED” it was later on in life that I started questioning the ways I was thinking. I just want you to understand I come from a different generation.First I questioned, why was it so easy to be converted to different religions throughout my life. It didn’t occur to me that it was the way in which my parents were taught in those Indian Residential School’s. When I take a look at the mentality of how a cult is run and I take a look at the horrors that my parents experienced. Then I had to take a serious look at my own intergenerational trauma. 

I was very complacent around on indigenous people. The analogy that I could say is if the queen were standing in front of me and said to me, jump 2 feet high, I would go down and say yes, your majesty. Are use this analogy in terms of how, without question listened to white privileged upper class non-indigenous people. It didn’t occur to me, but this is how I was treating my non-indigenous friends. Until I started being questioned about my own indigenous identity by a non-indigenous person. A person who I’ve known since elementary school . And I thought how does this non indigenous person know what it’s like to be an indigenous person living in a first nations community. This person had never lived in the first nation community. Why would I take their opinion as being a true understanding of addiction is identity ? 

You see it was their mindset that I had never questioned. And the dialogue that we had didn’t engage in any sort of pivotal moments. My non indigenous friend would never say, “my ancestors were not good people.” Needless to say to say, I stop being friends with my nonindigenous childhood friend. It when I hear any discussion, I have the other person, the ally, say my people are not good people.

An ally creates a space for me. The space is supportive, secure, and safe. It took me a while to truly engage in such discourse. For my ally friend, this was an easy process. It was an easy process because both of us paid each other respect and how we described and talked about our own lives. so you’ve got to understand that it’s refreshing when I hear people talk about what it is to be an ally. It’s important that the Ally hall space. I know it sounds like I’m very critical, but it’s very important. This whole concept of what is a good ally.  do you know if you’re good at life? 

“” BE AN ALLY! - I am often asked, “What is the best way to engage Indigenous Peoples?” This is often followed by, “We have a great idea that can benefit your people, we just need them to sign-on and we will share some of our profits!” First of all, you must directly communicate with Indigenous Peoples with a high degree of respect and understanding. Consideration must be given to the Indigenous People’s experience since colonization. Our people have been ridiculed, chastised and punished for being what the Creator intended them to be. Despite this, we remain open to relationships that are mutually beneficial. We want to be part of the economy and the social fabric of our territories. None of us ever aspire to be poor and marginalized. Secondly, never go to a community or village with a fully-baked idea. That is disrespectful on so many levels. If you want an Indigenous business partner, invest in the relationship. Do more than a desktop exercise. Go to the community, meet with the matriarchs, elders, leaders and people. Remain curious. Lead with questions. Listen intently. Act upon what you learn, not what you think the community needs or desires. Above all be a good person. The more self-kindness and self-compassion you can foster, the more equipped you’ll be to treat those around you the same way. Plus, doing good for others can give your life a deeper sense of meaning. It may even help to improve your physical and mental health. I know that many of my colleagues lives have been enriched with the Indigenous experience. Despite what has happened to us we remain open to working together, but it has to be done properly. Reach out if you want to have a conversation about how you can be an Indigenous ally!

#areyouanallyoranadversary“” http://linkedin.com/in/dan-george-2bb9aa59