Predator alert

Just when I think this predator is staying out of Canada he shows up in Saskatchewan dancing. He thinks just cause those 15 years he harmed are now 26 & 27 years old that he’s welcomed back into my community. He wrong. He’s dangerous. His oldest daughter would be 30 years old. 

Why do I waste my time on such a disgusting human one may ask. Well, when I was a teen I was brutally raped by two men. I was so ashamed. It was a premeditated crime involving two other teens who set me up for two adult men. As I tried to escape the two teens just sat there doing nothing. 

So for decades I did nothing about charging these two men or the two teen boys. These men had wives who gossiped about me & built up tgeir own stories. Lateral violence to try and keep me silent a concept I didn’t understand cause I had a child’s mind. I was a teen. 

Everyone just stood by believing it was my fault including my own mother. As a victim of sexual abuse and as a female surrounded by women who only knew how to hide or keep their own abuse silent. I felt helpless. I hung out with women 15 years older than myself just so I felt protected when I’d go out into bars or nightclubs. 

I left for another country and found my voice. I had issues of trust. As in this world of women, each one of us has our own way of surviving. It took me some time to realize people’s opinions of me was none of my business. So you see, my shame and feelings of guilt from being raped had me coping in a totally inappropriate way. I without knowing it cared what people thought. I’d do anything and everything to please my peers. 

It felt like having a scarlet letter printed on everything I wore. It was extreme. Yet, as the years went by and my studies in psychology as well as visiting therapists. I started hearing my voice. My thinking started changing. I knew I couldn’t be totally free until I came home. Home were people thought of me as some scarlet lettered woman whose husbands were not safe around me. 

All the structures I had built in childhood friendship and just older women meant something about my character. I’ve outlived all my female friends. These women shared a common bond that was denying being raped and sexually abused. It was like a sisterhood of women who enjoyed only certain things. As I reflect back I don’t think we could have ever talked about sexual abuse. 

I only mention my background so that you my audience knows that it took me my lifetime to heal and to establishing healthy relationships. Many who read or who have corresponded with me personally do read what for many seems an easy topic to discuss only cause I’ve done the work. I don’t have a magic wand as sexual exploitation still triggers me as well it should anybody. 

There isn’t any safe place for young women within our communities unless its family based. Many abused women married into my community and have daughters.  It’s may sound nasty but who said truth is pretty. These abused women can not cope when their daughters starts becoming sexually active. So, they try to marry them off rather than take responsibility for raising a daughter. And it’s not not women marrying in it’s also the historical female sexual exploitation done within the communities they marry into as well. 

Especially when the female gender is looked down upon as good for only making babies and nothing more. It made seem stereotypical; however, I’ve seen girls 14, 15 & 16 pregnant I’m some isolated communities. And like I’ve said some women who married into our community came from abusive homes. (As result if Indian residential school uobringings) 

I couldn’t comprehend why a woman would give her 15 year and old daughter to a man old enough to be her father. I know the daughter and her peers were getting into drugs but that still doesn’t justify breaking the law. The age of consent is 16. This small group of girls shared or hide their secrets. This cycle of secrecy was starting again. Only this time, I stepped in confront the perpetrator. 

Maybe if I had a husband who stood by me or a brother who stood by me my community would have listened immediately. However, should have, would have and could have didn’t safe the day. For you see, ritual abuse is apart of our human condition. Some people chose to not to believe while others choose to watch and very few champion the cause. And, some appear to champion the cause only to be a perpetrator themselves. 

As the years went by and this perpetrator continues to harm 15 year old girls, he’s got a group of women who travel with him. They do a good job presenting him as a good husband to all five of his wives. Yet, as the decades went by he still hasn’t been caught or paid for his crimes against indigenous girls and indigenous women. 

Keeping in mind, his female followers are just like my rapist’s wives. These women fear for their lives in threats of being beaten. Their trauma keeps being triggered as a way of controlling them. These women got so involved in their addiction to their sexual partner that their stories become all to familiar. Psychologists, therapists, called them social workers too will identify such women by the stories they hold onto. They repeat the story over and over again as a reason to not heal cause they truly believe there is nothing the matter with themselves. 

Abusive relationships tend to condition each other into hiding the true crime. Our feelings as human beings is constantly flowing forward like energy. Trauma of any kind stops the flow or we stop the flow; however, cause it’s constant it takes a lot of energy to keep holding it at bay as it’s never really stopped. It will eventually be released. Sometimes, this release is at our own deaths. 

Healing energy is what allows us to release the blockage we created. For me, writing this blog has released much energy or has given up energy used to block for other this things like looking after my health. Allowing no blockages or as some would say opening up the chakras.

Well, getting back to spinning my wheels regarding this prepetrator, triggered my reasoning for writing about abuse. As it’s not something that I thought what like taking a magic wAnd and waving it over someone’s saying saying your cured or your free. Behavior is not that easy to change. My niece and me we still seek out therapy and I still refer people to therapy. 

But the world isn’t that simple. Our energies are here to elevate each other. This task isn’t meant to be easy. In all the Sundance songs or sacred songs this task is mentioned. For some, it’s only a season, for some it’s a lifetime of exploitation and for others it’s a way of life. I tend to realize we are a warrior society. Each one has a task to keep each other moving forward. 

My understand is what doesn’t help me seeking out the forces of truth, love and soul is blocking our purpose here. So, whether you think this NCH (ChaskingHisHorse) is gifted. Only you can judge for yourself. As for me, he’s a psychopath who owns his women. If our society is so distorted in human deviancy that we elevate a pedophile into a sacred state then what does that say about protecting our most vulnerable. 

Genocide created such despicable humans who morphed into dangerous predators that our indigenous men cannot go out and capture them. Our societies protected us from such shape shifters. I truly believe we are not lost souls rather sleeping gaints waiting to be awaken. We do this by becoming educated and by protecting those we love and those who love us. 

I was full of anger and rage when I started writing over ten years ago. It brought so many memories of being a teen. I felt alone and unable to protect myself. Seeing girls being hurt triggered feelings I had kept hidden. Writing related any anger or rage and I believe as I dealt with being raped. Seeing the surviving rapist go to prison, knowing I wasn’t doing this service out of revenge rather doing it for myself. I think that’s the key. As difficult as it is revengeful feelings are just that and nothing more. 

I’ve had time to reflect back on all the famous indigenous people I’ve met and know. In all my decades walking on Mother Earth anger and rage is a normal human feeling. It’s like surfing on a wave once your on the wave you must ride it through. those who took their anger and rage turning it into revenge are still falling off their surfboard before completing their ride. 

Namesta 

LGBTQIA

This past summer I met a LGBTQIA 17 year old. He disclosed to me he was in love with a 14 year old boy. 

Also, this summer I met a young woman with three girls who might just be a man. 

Also, my nephew is getting out of jail soon. A fact that the entire family had kept secret from me and his sister. 

One of my sisters is going through mild depression and I can not be there for her. I can be there for her daughter. People with mental health issues tend to deny their part in the drama they create. 

I just Find it troubling that people go around hiding who they really are only to end up hurting themselves and others. 

I tell people I’m particular in whose energy I’m around. I think I need to rethink who is dangerous to me and my niece. 

I’ll need to step back and leave them all alone. I need to look after myself and the needs of my niece. Maybe smudge the entire house after what I’ve let in here this past year. 

As things get harder my magic wand stops working and I wonder who will use their magic to change themselves. There’s no easy solution to healing any part of our self-worth without self-love. 

Maybe I need to teach reiki to a few of these people. As I can not force their truth off its path. I can only help them move forward. There’s just the reality of looking at the bigger picture rather than focusing on the negativity. 

After all isn’t this why we are all here again and again after so many try outs into celebrating life and celebration love. As I really miss those that I loved and those who loved me who took their journies home. I know I day dreamt about my older brother. And now realize it’s come down to just struggling forward seeking out three forces in our lives: truth, love and soul. Hoping that when I seek them out I can celebrate each one or all of them at the same time. 

In a brighter note, I’ve still got my artist community to get involved into to help lay a foundation down for other indigenous artists. 

I just couldn’t sleep. It’s 5:31 A.M.  

There are some things we experience as human beings that have no logical explanation.

My first cousin was born to my elderly aunt. She had a child or children before him; however, she kept her previous pregnancies secret. My cousin grew up by himself. Playing with Star Wars figures & it’s music. He was diagnosed as being gifted; however, he was lazy. He lacked discipline. It was best just to let him be. He managed a seasonal job & had a son. 

Why I’m mentioning my cousin is that before his son reach five years my cousin had a massive stroke. He was awake afterwards only to be told he needed surgery to survive. Surgeons went in to remove a black of clot; however, that failed. 

It’s been over a decade now and lives in a nursing home. He unable to walk & he have moment of anger and rage. There are also time when he comes hone for visits. It’s these times that he’s gone into a sweat lodge with his cousins. It’s in these sweatslodges that the unexplainable happens. 

I mean I’ve heard him say things that only I know and insight that are meant just for certain people. My aunt does not allow him visitors. 

There’s the reality of my cousin. When he goes into sweat and sings are sung. Sings he’s never heard before are sung. People witness my cousin sings sacred songs as if his sung them his entire life. This is how he communicates with us. As if there’s nothing the matter with him. We get a glimpse into the life we share with him. 

As for myself, I keep what he’s told me the last time I visited him. 

My other female cousin says to me when we talk about those who are curious about our spirituality. They’ve attended Sundance and sweats thinking they are in a Christian Church. My female cousin said it’s until they become frightened. For some, they have this path to follow and their in denial of their blessing cause they didn’t start from the beginning. 

Even when I say it they can not comprehend what it is I am saying. So my cousin says from my understanding of her words is that they are only able in comprehending fear when frightens by them. It’s when this happens they quit. I don’t wish fear on them as when it happens it happens. 

Bottom line is there re somethings that can not be explained. Guy say he reads up about Dakota spirituality; however, he must read it to believe it. Yet, security clearance in top positions use gifted people. Just lately I’ve found myself writing about sacred gifts and paths we are all walking. 

You realize what he told you about himself was true. So, when someone says something about themselves believe them. Sometimes it take knock on the head for me to wake up.

This year I’ve met people I knew when I was 19 years old. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I just like having friends I can call to talk. I also like having positive male energy around me. 

I’m posting comments Guy made to me. Please read with an open mind as it goes with my topic about what people say about themselves. 

Wow...

I am stunned to read your story. It is an intimate revelation that sets out a life of great decisions. I do not understand why you have withdrawn so fully. A spiritual thing, yet you do not speak of this. A form of resistance. A desire to become a nun. All sorts of thoughts course through my head. you are a bright attractive woman. a lot was taken away from you by the experience of life or the fire that drove us in those days. Do not forget, that we were part of an interesting history in the development of the political face of aboriginal rights....That experience liberated me and made me survive. Tina Clark found me a place to live with her sister and husband and I had a normal life there, finishing high school as a normal person. 

I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me.   

I joined the police for two reasons, a job and a desire to show that I could do it... a Native in one of the hardest training regime. I not only succeeded but I excelled at that. I was a very strong and fierce boy. My troop mates were scared of me. The legend of the savage Indian I suppose and my fury. 

After many years, I quit the force and went on to Law School. I picked the hardest law school of them all and barely made it... I had started to drink then, feeling really lost. The police had also been my home. But I graduated and I still have friends from law school. I was the first Native graduate from the law school.   

I then went on the Article with the Department of Justice and from there various postings and jobs including Indian Affairs. I became an executive there. I was really driven. I married, had children and suddenly discovered that I was still lost. My drive had enslaved me. I was really really lost and lonely as you say, even though I was married. So I ran away. I cowed from suicide, but it was a constant companion with me for a very long time. A fantasy that I did not have to continue suffering forever. Instead as I said, I ran away. To Israel oddly enough. I had had my first heart attack at 44 and I knew, although I survived that my career of advancement was finished. I was still the same man but I was vulnerable at work, so I left the feds on a pension.   

I felt humiliation at being sick. I was not sick, my heart had no consequences except death. Once survived all is normal again but I knew that I was ill, that people said that it was because of my lifestyle. I felt a great deal of guilt.... 

My wife at that time asked for a divorce. While in Israel I had met a married Jewish woman, who stills writes to me as well, and this was the basis for the divorce. I immediately left and came to Europe with my Police pension, my federal pension and my drinking issues. I met another lawyer, a swiss woman, we still write, and I married her and eventually became swiss. She is now in the process of divorcing me.  

About 10 years ago, in Mexico, I watched a movie with Keanu Reeves. In the movie there was a priest who had issues and one was drink. He was targeted by the angels and he went mad. He tried to drink but the bottle he drank from would never get empty. Wow. I saw it then so I quit. I have never had a drink since. I tried a beer and my body reacted once. I got very sick after half of the bottle. I have never wanted a drink after that. 

you know a lot about me. More than I know myself. Even now, I block out my thoughts about what I am, what I want, why I do things. I cannot bear to see them. I see all the things I hate, cowardice is an important one, humiliations, accepting insult and injury without reacting. I love challenge, not because I am made happy, but because I always want to show others that I can do it.. I hated being brown and native. I wanted to show that I was capable. I have been very lucky because I was always the strongest person around, physically and in my mind.   

I still cannot talk as fully about myself as you can. I simply find it too hard and painful. I sometimes sit and cry, trying to not feel sorry for myself for by all measures I have had a successful life.   

I do not want to go back home. There is too much pain associated with that place. A lot of this caused by myself. I realize that another reason that I chose the police and law and responsibility for others was a great fear that I needed to protect myself from myself. I feel very vulnerable unless I have the certainty of discipline, I don’t trust myself to be free. I might hurt someone and then become a prisoner once again.   

wow. I really appreciate what you wrote. I will read it again and try to connect to the points that you have made. 

Take Care 

Guy

There were a lot of things he disclosed about himself indirectly. Yet, the bottom line was exactly what he said about himself. He’s wanted to show people he’s capable. This hate for being a brown native, his revenge, is real. 

Everything that appears to make him look like a competent human being continues to rule his life. I’m grateful he disclosed all that he did; however, his hatred for being brown also meant his taste in his women. 

As a result he’s played his women with his same pickup line. He became rigid CATFISHING using social media to garner women’s attention. As he’s said his second wife separated from him for eleven years until she recently took him back; however, any attempt to deal with his CATFISHING is a worry. 

Maybe, just maybe he’s been CATFISHING his entire life. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad and lonely. 

Lastly, his siblings love him deeply. I believe they would accept him with all his new disabilities. He doesn’t need to isolate and withdraw from us. People who knew him when he was 18,19,20 &21 years old. 

Guy knows I have positive male energy in my life. I will continue seeking out old acquaintances like Guy. Since disconnecting with Guy, I’ve meant two people who hung out with Guy and unlike Guy I will continue keeping in touch. I’ve also met a friend who spent years tracking me down. We too, we’ll keep in touch too. 

Guy hates being brown. He hates being native. Logic says to me he hates me cause I am brown. He hates me cause I am native. Consequences for him is he could never be friends with a brown native woman. My bottom line is he’s incapable of being an intimate friend to an indigenous woman cause we don’t register with him. 

What I remember the most is his statement on hate and revenge: "I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me." 

When I was raped and decided to deal with all the lateral violence against me. Violence perpetrated by the rapist’s wives and their family members. I had to decide after discovering all the hate they directed towards me wasn’t personal rather it was a coping mechanism to deal with their own trauma. After all their wives were accustom to being beaten and presumably raped by them as well. The only difference was I didn’t have to endear what they had for decades. So I realized revenge towards them and their family wasn’t worth it. Quote: "the best revenge is a life well lived." So, I decided to be happy. 

Once I made that decision I knew taking these men to court would be fine. I wanted to move forward without any regrets. As a result the lone survivor who raped me was charge, judged and sentenced. It’s been over a few decades and I am grateful for all those positive women who guided me. 

So, when Guy says he was driven by hate and revenge I could relate; however, My anger for the lateral violence I experienced for decades by malicious women meant forgiveness towards them. I did this by telling the one wife who was still alive that I had no regrets. I told her I knew they saw me unconscious in their husband’s front seat covered in blood. I told her this so she’d know I knew that their first instinct was to help me. If they had not gone into the house and if they had just taken me to the hospital without waking up the one husband of theirs. I would have felt rescued; however, instead they both left me in the car without waking me up. I laid there feeling ashamed in silence. I heard them wondering when would they come for me. Then I heard them screaming and crying getting into their vehicle leaving me in that cold cold car. Apparently, when the woke up the lone husband he took a baseball bat to his wife. She was beaten up and afraid. They were both afraid as it was both their husbands who had raped me. The reason they were together was both these women were sisters. 

Both these women were married into my community. The one sister took the other to their friend’s home. The lone sister went home without the other sister. The sister who was beaten stayed away from her husband for two weeks 

I did I know all this you may wonder. Well, decades past before the woman who kept the one sister for two weeks became my best friend. She disclosed to me that she didn’t know that was the girl who was raped by those two men. She told me what happened that morning after I was raped. This information wasn’t apart of the court documents had it was after the sole perpetrator was judged and sentenced that my friend told me. I believe we were talking about him stalking me after he had served his time in prison. 

Well, getting back to hate and revenge, I lived my life best by being happy. So, when I relaid this story to the sole surviving wife she said that "she saw me in the bedroom with her sister’s husband" I told her about the events following her dropping her sister off at a friends place to concur my story. She could say anymore. 

I did this not out of revenge rather to let this dole survivor know that I had no anger nor revenge towards her or her family. I wanted her to know that I regretted not telling her sister before she had died. I wanted them to know that I knew their first instinct was to help me. 

I did this and now when I see her in public she doesn’t say anything to me. When I see my rapist he doesn’t talk to me. I live in my community where I was raised and raped. Hatred and revenge had no room for me as if I had felt these feelings I’d have no peace and I wouldn’t thrive and survive here. 

Guy’s hate and revenge bothered me. His whole description of being alone and lonely bothered me. I know what I went through. I know the courage took on me to talk with the sole surviving wife. As I reflect back I can now see the courage it took for me to charge these two men with rape. As you see it wasn’t just these men rather it was also the three others who sat there watching these men carrying me upstairs kicking and creaming. It was also allowing these people to cover up such a crime. 

I know these two men could have killed me. I know that as a victim the lateral violence I experienced by people hiding and protecting the rapist is the same lateral violence so many girls experience. 

As much as I’ve tired to support all of NCH’s victims the community as exiled him from here. They are protecting our most vulnerable people from him. It’s just that girls were hurt. My community isn’t perfect. We are just like other First Nation communities. I just can say that our girls need our support. It’s a reflection of bigger picture. Our children’s mental health is important. 

As much as I’ve written about NCH. I must also much he was a child once. He wasn’t born a perpetrator. He grew into it. We tend to create a myth about our rape culture by identifying him as being gifted rather than being in possession of a personality disorder. Just like the wife who created a myth about me. These myths were created as a coping mechanism for those who repeatedly experience trauma. 

I hope my blog gets people thinking that hatred and revenge doesn’t heal you it retards the healing process. A process that some victims may never reach if they can not find the courage to heal. 

I’m not perfect. I still seek happiness. I still seek celebrating my accomplishments. I do know sharing what I know I hope helps someone out there. The point is seek out healthy people to trust with your secrets. 

Guy emailed me. He had nothing to lose writing to me. I had nothing to gain. He, I hoped and still hope finds his courage to heal. 

Be careful of what you wish for::::::::: as it may come true

I’ve heard that saying throughout my life & ive wondered about it too. 

A cousin said sometimes people need to be scared into being humbled. Creator has ways of healing & humbling for those who disbelieve. 

Decades ago a young man wished for the life he received; however, it came at a price. I really hadn’t thought about him for decades until he made contact. Upon so doing he reveals the ego within him that forced him forward. 

I say, forced him forward by implying any movement forward is done in a kind & gentle manner. His wishes came true at a huge price. The price was his happiness & peace of mind. We’ve all met fellow students who’ve thrived to excel at everything to prove they are the best. He had to prove his point all the time. It didn’t matter if he offended someone as he earned his position. 

Yes, as a high school student this guy started creating his spider web. Dreams were caught inside. Dreams of being married to me, dreams of being accepted by his peers & mostly those he grew up with but he lost all that through his arrogance. As one of his peers, we all had hope for him not knowing what decades of hate produced 

Most of us have lived happy lives. Most of us have kept in touch in a positive manner; however, this guy abandoned everything. He’s constantly praising himself. Constantly stressing himself & creating false images of himself. He just really insecure about everything. 

I had thought helps by him would make him happy not knowing, for me, that his unhappiness happened decades ago. As for his age today, he can not undo all those he’s hurt. He’s hurt them at the expense of his ego. I know we all have our egos to battle; however, I represent to him everything that was wrong with being Indigenous. 

Throughout his life he’s distanced his desires as something he dare not feel for fear of losing control and losing control by loving me. It really had nothing to do with me personally rather it was what he thought I represented for him, a wild unbridled Indigenous woman. So, throughout his life he only married white women and cheated on his white wives with other white women. 

As for indigenous women he’s play the CATFISH. Troubling and disturbing behavior that today he’s in denial of participating in feeding his loneliness and aloneness while being separated from his second wife. 

There’s more to this guy as he’s pul it to me, he’s damaged himself. He’s aware of it as so am I finally in complete awareness of the extent of his forcing himself forward throughout his life. For me, I call it self harm. We’ve all done some form of self harm with some mild to extreme. (Over eating, smoking) well you get my point. 

His self harm, he managed to damage his brain. And rather than be around me & others who knew him with full capacity he’s created a myth to coverup his disability. Yes, his ego is so great that he can not bare to be around us lowly indigenous friends. He’s indigenous himself dispite all the effort he’s put into defending his ego. 

Imagine if you must, decades of stroking his own ego & decades of being in denial of his own personality disorder. Cause he’s gone off the deep edge by hurting everyone he’s grown up with as if we are incapable of comprehending his abstract thoughts. 

As for me, I’m not nor have I ever been bright or a genius. I’m not perfect nor are the people around me; however, all that I’ve read about what he’s written made me want to write this post. I’m Anonymous to most people who read this blog so I don’t go out of my way to brag about my accomplishments. 

I know Garry wished for all that he’s bragged about. I’m not too naïve to think all his relationships he was addicted to them rather than actually loving his wives. I know this to be real as I’ve seen it within my own family and extended families. We are all not perfect. Yet, for me and I believe those who understand & value the trust created in any relationship as sacred. 

There is a reason for the saying be careful for what you wish for as it may come true. And yes, Garry all that you’ve wished for as come true. You just didn’t wish to grow old around your siblings or the community that raised you. You’ve never seen them as source of healing for yourself. We’ve all been effected by racism in this world. It’s how we choose to share the knowledge we’ve learned along this way with our youth. 

Garry, you’ve meant a lot to so many people. Yet, you have to see it yourself as I can not nor is it my purpose here. I can not nor do I want imagine me the anger & hatred you carry. Love yourself before you can truly love another. I know your pride will not allow you to answer me nor do I expect it. I’m just putting this out into the universe for prosperity. As some day maybe a young girl or young boy will read this and really think about what they’ll wish for in their future. 

The only regret I have is being caught up in your anger and rage. Regret trying to understand what made you this way & then I realized. This is your story. You’ve had decades to write & rewrite it. I hope it has a happy ending as your siblings love you so deeply. All my best with the rest of your never ending story and thank you for giving me a small glimpse.