When we have this feeling, that souls are meant to be together. A person with post-traumatic stress disorder the feelings of soul mates or sort of attachment to someone is a big red flag. People’s wounds in the areas of attachment especially if you've experienced abandonment or neglect as a child is the foundation of limerence. In reflection to my own personal life my father was an alcoholic, both parents worked full time and it was difficult for my parents to find consistent babysitters. When they started traveling when I was eight and ten years of age. We found ourselves in the homes of friends or acquaintances of my parents. This too could also feel like abandonment. These times could feel like abandonment when both parents were not present. Also having an alcoholic father who was present but not present. At the age of ten. when my parents were in India, I became extremely sick with double pneumonia and infectious hepatitis. I was in isolation in an Indian hospital for what seemed like six months. I felt abandoned.
I know I repeat myself, but in hindsight when I look at my grandmother not raised by her parents, and I look at my parents not raised by their parents too. I could not imagine what they felt not having their parents around them, living in an Indian residential school, neglected, and abandoned by staff for a decade. There is no comparison in comparing my childhood trauma to theirs, none whatsoever, at least I had my parents who were gone six months out of each of the two years. Imagine as a child grows into a teenager then into a young adult, who is finding in themselves, searching for a person than another person thinking they have finally found their soulmate. There is something terribly bad and its not good. It is very disruptive to the development of a potential real relationship. A real relationship where you see somebody, and you can be present. So, as much as you see yourself as the person who is trying to hold onto this and create this somewhat incredible relationship in Limerence. I heard this story from my Indigenous sisters who told me about their incredible relationships where the sex is outstanding and yet they were not happy. The reason was they were holding onto a fantasy of that person, that partner of theirs, when in fact they are rejecting the real person, they are with. This fantasy is a rejection.
In reflection with my own sexual experiences, there was a double-edged sword growing up with young men who had experienced childhood trauma. After having sex, my partner would worship the ground I walked on and no matter how mean or vindictive, spiteful, or angry I was to him, he would put me on a pedestal. The question occurred to me that if I did not have sex with him would he still put me on a pedestal? Potential partners, who knew I was sexually active, worshipped the ground I walked on too. Two types of Indigenous men who both suffered from PTSD for me were those I had sex with and those I had not, both put me on a pedestal. I witnessed violence against Indigenous women and Indigenous girls and decided to remain celibate. Here is the strange thing about being strong is when I have struggled with attachment issues or attachment problems stemming from my own childhood experiences, trauma affected all my relationships. I remember my late mother saying how until she remembered and started speaking of her childhood trauma in Indian residential school, she did not realize how this experience affected her relationship with my late father. For me, it seemed an exceptionally long time, as my Indigenous sisters would see me as a strong Indigenous woman. The fact, or the conclusion is a result that the stronger I felt sometimes the less present I was. The perceived resilience others think I have is merely a defense mechanism for me retreating so I don’t get emotionally hurt. I had to fight and heal, taking decades for me to develop skills for being present. Eliminating self-defeating behavior releases the fear, knowing somebody is going to fall in love with me when I am present. Present means I am my real authentic self. I see this within my own siblings. When they are afraid, they push me away. They taught me to be patient and compassionate.
As I have mentioned this double edge sword, where Indigenous men fell in limerence with me, not in love, but limerence. As I mentioned earlier, I was younger, at an age where limerence towards me was frequent by no fault of my own. I knew this was not love because I did not feel the same way as they did towards me.This unrealistic feeling of unwanted attachment or attention by raising me onto a pedestal, an unrealistic pedestal I did not deserve. Similar feelings I had experienced when my parents returned home from their worldwide trips. Indigenous men put me on a pedestal like being associated with me, and that somehow, they too would travel benefiting by associating with my family and extended family. It did not occur to me that it was how people felt about me. This attachment was becoming greater the more educated I became. This attachment was what Nathan saw in me as he convinced Roberta, as she put it. “Nathan thinks you think you are more powerful than him!” This attachment, this limerence is dangerous when the notion the one on the pedestal is, for Roberta at the time, Nathan was her twin flame, her soulmate. I asked Nathan to explain to Roberta that this was not what was going on between them. I confronted him to explain to her they were not soulmates & were not meant to be together. Roberta’s behavior with PTSD was a red flag for me. Nathan indiscriminately sexually assaulted countless innocent Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My own lived experiences illustrates indigenous inter-generational trauma.
The paradoxical question is: How do we as Indigenous peoples rebuild a strong Indigenous culture and strong Indigenous family unit after it has been violently stripped away for generation after generation? Well, for me, it is being present and not being too strong that we forget our own humanity. In this blog I speak of distressing details about the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. My niece died from a drug overdose last year. This blog talks about Roberta’s short-lived life. She was too hard to manage the mental health professionals claimed. Roberta was trafficked to support people’s drug habits by the time she was sixteen. I have tried to document Roberta’s life in the Canada Foster Care system until she aged out of their care. Seventeen years ago, there was no protection for her. Roberta could have used the protections laid out in the 231 Calls for Justice ( 231 Calls for Justice - KAIROS Canada) Calls legally mandated directives for governments in 2019, institutions in Canada to stop the violence against Indigenous girls and Indigenous women. Call for Justice 12.14 was designed to protect Indigenous girls and other youth in care or any other kind of foster care. Recently, 2019 and now in 2023 analysis found that only two of the Calls for Justice were completed with more than half not even being started. I do not know who spoke to the Minister of the Crown for Indigenous Relations to say 70% of these calls were implemented. It is NOT reflected in the many missing and murdered Indigenous girls and indigenous women. Of course, I am going to be upset! When are these 231 Calls for Justice setting up centers for children and teenagers to give support going to be Mandated? Are mental health psychotherapists, social workers, & police too privileged to get their hands dirty by being in an environment that is raw and is visceral. They are safely cocooned within their private offices. Are our childrens behaviors deemed too hard to manage? All levels of government created this cyclical mental health crisis. Decades and decades of our indigenous ways of life ripped away with our children gathered in the mass incarcerated facilities. We can not give up on our youth & never will.
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