WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR NATHAN CHASING HORSE TO GET CAUGHT. THE ANSWER IS MULTILAYERED. I WILL ATTEMPT TO ANSWER FROM AN INDIGENOUS WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE

THIS POST I"LL BE EDITING THROUGHOUT THE COMING WEEKS. 

 I’m sending you, my Blog audience a few TikTok short clips. Feel free to track them down as I’ll put their reference down to view the entire version. I felt these short clips were appropriate for these very heavy topics of SA and predators, 

Since Nathan Chasing Horse's arrest this topic or question was asked of me. "How did you know who he was so early on?'  OR WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR NATHAN TO GET CAUGHT? How did I follow my gut instincts about this medicine boy. Yes, boy, because I am a little older than this boys parents. Seventeen years ago, I was much younger and educated to some extend in having earned a degree; however, what I’ve learned about human behavior and my own cultural psychology is nothing short of amazing. I’m grateful for what I am about to share. Within these next few months, I’ll updating this blog site. I’ll try to make it a lot more user friendly by setting up video podcast summarizing up each year of this blog. My lived experienced as being indigenous helped me.

Our medicine people have a history of being obsessed with boys and girls. It wasn’t the case during my late grandparent’s time. I could imagine that if Sitting Bull lived a long life my grandparents were born in what would been Sitting Bull’s elder years. This is why my grandparents say the medicine was good once, back in the day. Today it’s very rare to find such a medicine person. I can honestly say, I’ve met one.

In any case, I'll continue back onto the topic of attitudes towards indigenous women from no fault of our own. As I truly believe we as indigenous people we were born, stamped from the beginning, into a systemic racist environment of white supremacy. It’s our reality. It’s our lived experience.  It wasn’t our parent’s fault nor was it our grandparents’ fault either. A systemic racist system setup to herd our indigenous children in the masses from generation after generation. They were all just babies these ancestorial children of ours. White supremacy purging our First Nation’s communities of our indigenous babies. These places they called Indian Residential School, Day School, Adoption and Foster Care: however, I believe they were setup like cults. The staff were like prison guards who ritualistically practiced abusive behavior either through torture, murder, and SA. It's this racial injustice system created for us by white supremacy that we now find ourselves living a rape culture & a performative culture.

 The first short clip is regarding attitudes towards women seeking help. Any women today who tries to escape a narcissistic even sociopathic partner has very little resources offered to her/him/she/them...

 The second short video clip reminds me of how older rich non-indigenous men see young vulnerable indigenous girls and indigenous women. As an indigenous elder woman, I am not making excuses for myself as this second clip applies to all women. It reminded of the mental health crisis of indigenous girls and indigenous women.

(still editing ...) WE ARE NOT SEEN IN SOCIETY. OUR LIVED EXPERIENCES MEANS WE ARE SILENCED. MURDERED AND MISSING INDIGENOUS GIRLS AND INDIGENOUS WOMEN IS GENOCIDE. 

Its through my lived experienced, a history of genocide, I was born into, centuries of being sexualized, hunted, and murdered for being and indigenous women existed and exists. We can still feel the reminisces of human trafficking. It can not be a shameful thing as starvation was a strategy used to annihilate us. Creating a mythology around their religious teaching that all indigenous people of the Americas we're so savage. These colors these colonizers created this mythology to justify the basic creed of the doctrine of discovery. Promoting that if they saw and considered all indigenous people as not human, they would not get prosecuted for murder. A bounty was put on the heads of indigenous women. A town in one of the Dakotas was settled for bounty hunters. Their favorite targets were pregnant indigenous women. Taking the scalps of the unborn fetus and the mum to collect two skills. This was their strategy. Indigenous women we're not taking to breed like the colonizers did too black women. As the approach was to annihilate all indigenous people and in order to do that they had to kill the women who would create new life.

Attitudes towards indigenous women's sexual response was further Taken into a new level of genocide. Indigenous women were considered savage like. The strategy of educating and converting indigenous boys through the establishment of industrial schools was halted. The discussion of these boys being educated and returning to there are First Nations communities was considered a lost cause. The governments realized that if they educated the boy, he would return home and marry a girl who in turn would convert him back to being a savage. Their solution was to create indigen D and residential schools where they could educate both girls and boys. Such begins the tragedy of mass incarceration of our indigenous babies generation after generation. Bing housed in establishments disguised at schools but in actuality they were prison like. Our babies grew up not knowing their language not knowing a living skill and not respecting their parents. Despite the religious dogma of the tent amendments of honoring by parents. These Indian residential schools indoctrinated them into believing but what they were doing was rising above their savage like state. And if they did not conform, they were tortured, punished and even to the point of being murdered. My own father ran away from in an Indian residential school in the dead of winter period he was caught and for his punishment he was left to sleep in a cold addict an addict were the staff put dead bodies of indigenous children. I don't know how long he was left there maybe weeks maybe days I do not know. This is just one of the stories of the cruelty of the people who came before us. They lived generations after generations taught to be silent about the torture that they experienced in these places. Talk not to talk about what they the horrors they saw such as rape such as murder such as the disposal of children's bodies. Is it any wonder why after generations of indoctrination that each generation was to think that these Indian residential schools were good. Because they taught them how to clean their homes work the soil and be good human beings that by going to these places, they rose above there savage state. This classical conditioning is like Pavlov’s theory where you feed a dog put him in a cage so he can't jump up every time he shocked the dog would learn not to escape but just stay in the cage. So where these children believe not to practice their culture their language even child rearing. My late mother was not taught sex education so when she became pregnant, she told me she thought she was going to have a litter of babies. This learned helplessness isn't the fault of my parents nor my grandparents nor any child who was raised in these residential schools however we are living with the aftermath or the after effect of the stop indoctrination that white supremacy is God and that the queen is the superior being the head of the end can church or even the Pope for that matter. When these people in positions of power ask us to jump and we are conditioned to reply how high do you want us to jump. That anybody who comes into our communities was perceived as better than or greater than us must be of good character.

Today as an indigenous woman we see this attitude that our communities have towards our female sexuality. We also see the fear that indigenous people have towards people of authority like the RCMP or the police. Edward it were it was these institutions that were created by the government 2 rally up mass after hundreds and hundreds of children into these it does indigenous residential schools it was also white supremacy who created distrust exhibit coming to our communities seeking indigenous women as sexual objects. As I've mentioned before human trafficking prostitution to this day shouldn't be seen as something shameful, but R indigenous women went through generations after generations. Please indigenous women prostituted themselves out so they could feed their children. The strategy of the Canadian government was to continue annihilating indigenous women by passing the law but if it indigenous woman married a non indigenous person she would lose her status. They even further promoted this shame and guilt of the female sexual response. Indigenous women were teaching their children to specially their female girls not to be sexually active not to show sexual response not to be human beings. As my late father would say human sexuality isn't over silver six feet underground. Indigenous parents trying to promote a positive environment for their children was sometimes in vain. Protecting them from this ideology of white supremacy and at the same time being put down, being seen as invisible. Is it any wonder why children who've been sexually abused remain silent. Is it any wonder why a stranger a nonindigenous stranger. Would be perceived as knowing what's right from wrong. Imagine generations after generations of indigenous women being sexually assaulted and seeing that they couldn't do nothing to protect them. I believe it must be that same feeling that black men had in seeing their mothers and sisters and daughters being sexually assaulted by their white slave owners. Today and hopefully for generations to come we as indigenous people and people of colour will practice spiritual activism. This means fighting and healing from white supremacy. Teaching our children and their children the skills of spirituality. It's this reality that we are confronted with because if we do not do anything more people will die. More indigenous women will be hunted and killed. More children will be apprehended and raised by nonindigenous families. More people will continue to be disgusted with the fact that we as indigenous people have a voice, and we have an identity. I believe as we discuss racial injustice and inequalities and as we try to teach anti oppression and equity, we will provide a better and safer environment for our children and their children.

Today we see the lack of this education of anti oppression and equity you may ask how we see it and this is where human trafficking sexual assaults and a polarization of our communities when we are so desperate to find a new identity a new purpose a new pride in being indigenous. So when a young man, Hollywood actor, comes into our community performing and acting like he is the Messiah. Where his followers are promoting him as a holy man. Where he is seen as practising his language in his culture. As I earlier described had these feminine qualities that inherent in indigenous men because generations after generations we were raised in matriarchal society. We can see this in our DNA in our in our ways of walking in other ways of approaching human sexuality. This Nathan chasing horse disguised all this with an entourage that promoted Wellness. For those who are not raised in understanding spiritual activism or even the approach of how creator guides us every day by his will. If we were not taught this and if we did not look out for frauds if we did not feel comfortable then bye our parents not to trust our intuitive selves. Then people like Nathan chasing horse would get away with manipulation much like colonizers, men who exploit indigenous women. As they've done for centuries after centuries. It's this disgusting lack of respect this disgusting lack of respecting female human sexuality. As my late father would say it is not over till it's over and then here's this young man preaching that this female sexual response needs to be tamed at an early age and that his male indigenous followers believed this in this strategy because it made them seem holy or more powerful over indigenous women.

We are so conditioned to think or were taught that the governments were good. From conditioning our grandparents, our parents to think these places called Indian residential schools were good, not thinking their parents and they themselves were not raise by their parents. Logically, how can these places be a good place.

Age-appropriate relationships with older men are not good. There’s also an epidemic of older rich. non-indigenous men who buy young indigenous mistresses. These poor uneducated women are good human beings. Yes, teaching learned its not their fault they’ve learned helplessness, codependence and enabling skills. I think and believe that’s one of the core reasons why I started this blog. The easiness to share tragedy or drama around trauma is so classical. The reality that there's nobody coming to help them, the horrors seen is talked about is to gain sympathy. Sex education was never taught. Young vulnerable women seeking security from an older man or a man who is perceived as being powerful in his masculine energy.

Within my lived experience, into this hostile environment I was born into, I’ll confirm this mental health crisis for indigenous girls and indigenous women. Sexualized attitudes towards our feminine energy exists and continues to plague our very existence. There is a difference seen within our indigenous communities, as well as in all human beings in general. Especially when it comes to our own mental health issues. Remember, our indigenous grandparents, our indigenous parents didn't have access to mental health providers, Psychotherapist. I am not talking about AA counsellor, nor any type of counsellors conducting Sweat or Sundance through lived experiences. I am talking about months to years revisiting, deconstructing, and reconstructing one’s childhood trauma by a guided mental health practitioner. We are so conditioned into believing the governments were good. Classical conditioning our grandparents, our parents and to our own understanding living to respect white supremacy. Honor white privilege patriarchy. As I’ve heard indigenous peoples of the United States say about Indigenous Canadians. They’ve said that when our Queen says jump. We respond with how high you want us to jump your majesty.

You asked or commented once about educating our indigenous boys or our indigenous men. I mentioned how Nathan’s appearance here as a youth mentor was vital for our men. It was vital because he was very feminine in his nature. I’ve grown up seeing the beauty of feminine men. Nathan brought his feminine beauty into our community. Our community that is very misogynistic and controlling as result of colonialism. My Dakota grandfathers were very feminine. I saw how they held their male energy in the presence of healthy indigenous women. The concept of knowing those who came before us is a very powerful affirmation. (thank you for sharing with me about your late uncle’s journey home)

As the time goes into preparing myself for my sister’s journey honoring her life through ceremony is important. I’m pacing myself in what am doing. Stepping back creating spiritual sacred space each day until she leaves is my responsibility, as I am the elder.

I’ve grown up around non-indigenous energy. I know I maybe the only or one of only few indigenous people you’ve met. Your energy is very masculine. My culture & my way of life is matriarchal. Stepping back & pacing myself for me reflecting on grieving, death & dying prepares me for my future journey as well.

I know I am unique. Choosing to live in a community where people remember me as child, a teen, a young adult and now into my senior years was very important step for me in moving home.

Finding balance with masculine & feminine energy is shifting. I do realize I need to find that masculine energy again. It’s fleeting; however, Creator’s Will is being done. The feminine energy my sister takes with her in her journey will be missed. Paul’s friendship represented that masculine colonial energy. This too will be missed.

Whether you see this shift isn’t as important as it is for me to own it. To own it for people who need to hear it. My sister’s amazing gift of seeing me honors me by throughout her life, seeing me. I wanted to share this with you. I know my culture is foreign to you. The intensity of your skill set is amazing. Again, thank you for holding space for me yesterday. I’m feeling much better & have a self-care plan in place. A plan of pacing my emotions, protecting myself through prayer & praying Creator’s Will guides my sister in her journey; however & whenever this takes place.  

 

My late mother thought when she first got pregnant, she would have a litter of babies. Talking about any topics around human sexuality or sexual arousal would only trigger Indian residential school survivor. Excuse me here, as I really don't like describing them as schools rather I see as prisons. Prisons were the mass incarceration of indigenous were kept away from their parents. Understand this reality, my grandmother wasn't raised by her parents nor were both of my parents never raised by their parents. 

When your conditioned to believe you are receiving the best education money can pay you tend to believe this government bullshit. When I was a teen my parents separated for a brief period and my late mom was so exhausted as a single parent that she enrolled use, voluntarily enrolled into an Indian Residential School. She thought this was the best place for us. This is where my theory of why parents think "the other" is better than them. Remember my parents were conditioned to think they were not good people that they came from a subgroup of human species, worthless, stupid and ignorant. I believe it was their way of coping with the reality that their parents too were not good parents cause the government deemed it so. 

 

Is it any wonder why people would believe "the other" is better than them. With the philosophy of their children will learn the hard way the way they were raised. Understand this, I do not blame my parents. When I first heard stories from my parents, my relatives and friends about the horrors of their lived experiences in those hell holes called Indian Residential Schools, I was so enraged. I still find it difficult to write about or think about my poor parents as children being afraid for their lives. I just can not understand the cruelty of white supremacy. In any case, back to my story about age appropriateness or the lack of age appropriateness within this world.

 

Its the lessons I've learned in what Nathan Chasing Horse has taught me. As he is a very performative boy, in the sense of being born into a performative culture. Also, we preform not only to get attention but also get money. We learn as children to perform to get the attention of our parents. As we've experience childhood trauma we've learned to self sooth ourselves by performing in some form of fantasy, illusion, delusion or escapism rather than experiencing the pain, whether its physical or emotional.  Again, I repeat myself, its not our parents’ fault nor is it our grandparents’ fault. Its why I say, "know those who came before you." It's in this way of understanding that we start understanding ourselves.  

 Before I go further, there are two definitions you need to know:

 Infatuation: an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something. 

There is a difference seen within our indigenous communities. Especially when it comes to our own mental health. Remember, our grandparents, parents didn't have access to mental health provider, Psychotherapist. I am not talking about AA counsellor, nor any type of counsellors conducting Sweat or Sundance. I am talking about months to years of deconstructing childhood trauma.

Its important to note that Infatuation can be dealt with a counsellor who has no therapeutic professional credentials: however, here the difference. I firmly believe that Nathan Chasing Horse fooled so many into thinking he could heal their childhood trauma by being intuitive. Every human being is gifted with intuitive instinct. 

Limerence is: It's a deeper psychological condition that can last longer than an infatuation. It's having obsession thoughts continuously sometimes lasting months. 

“ A word defining the state of being “madly in love.”    It was coined by Dorothy Tennov, PhD, in 1977.   A large amount of further research has been done by Helen Fisher, PhD, along with her colleagues who have further researched the concept. Limerence is similar to Infatuation, which is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something and can contribute to obsessive behavior. It is a chemically influenced state, primarily fueled by the chemical dopamine, a chemical released by neurons in the human brain, which plays a major role in the motivational component of reward-motivated behavior. The limerence attachment to the relationship and person usually increases in the presence of barriers or objections to the relationship. Involves emotional swings from joy to sorrow, depending on the most recent interaction with the limerent object and their level of demonstrated reciprocal interest (or lack thereof). Can result in physical illness, usually involving the stomach, headaches, and/or dizziness.”

 I've found that creating a drama or negative self-talk as in self-defeating behavior stimulates or triggers an episode. It's why when soldiers suffer from PSTD whose childhood was also riddled with trauma have a difficult time. This is an addictive state where a trigger is stimulated as a relapse occurs. A person recovers until that the next trigger occurs. If a soldier had no prior childhood experience with PTSD their recovery and relapse isn't so dramatic. In other words, they can adjust back into civilian life. I believe it much the same when woman enters into an abusive relationship and when she tries to leave, she relapses. Its why psychotherapy is so vital in healing from such childhood and adult trauma. There is a big distinction between infatuation and Limerence. Its from this limerence that we see moms who love their children leave with a stranger they met in a bar. Or, why parents think their daughters are better off with a mature man. They think that an older man can tame this limerence behavior. You see, there must be a reward offered or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The person who is suffering from limerence knows they must perform to get the stimulus they crave. It's the attention of a stranger or a perceived Holy Man like how Nathan Chasing Horse conditioned his helpers to promote him wherever he visited. Sometime the SA victim will relive their assault unconsciously triggering a sexual response. It's not their fault nor was it ever mine when I started recoverin my own trauma. We recreate our own trauma repeatedly not knowing we are seeking attention or approval that we are good people. As children see other perform and think its appropriate behavior not knowing its our parents or relatives’ way of coping from their own childhood trauma. This is what I've called a performative culture. 

It wasn't our parents’ fault that they didn't seek out psychotherapists. Its not our fault; however, it's up to our young to seek out many different venues of healing not just sweats and Sundance.  

As young women, men seek out the most vulnerable who can serve them. Understanding our own female sexual response as being healthy means we've stopped being performative and we've stopped being in a limerence state of a deeply troubling infatuation. We've started feeling and knowing what it is that makes us truly happy within our own healthy human sexually. It for this reason I used this second short clip about why older men seek out younger women. And, also, I am attaching some humorous clip cause as indigenous people we know that laughter bring a healing spirit to own very souls. I hope you enjoy. As I've said sometime my content is just too heavy and riddle with sadness and despair. Life is meant to be lived an shared with people we celebrate love and celebrate life with.... enjoy...

The reality of all women who are partnered with a narcissistic male. There are very little support systems in place for women who seek safety. 

Age appropriateness is important. Five years younger or five years older. 

Humor helps the reality of polarized sexual responses. 

When you find yourself in a space were you don't know what to do... Also, remember to howl at the moon as life is worth celebrating love and celebrating life. 

Bad Medicine: Betrayal and assault .... From Phil Barber THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

Phil Barber THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

published 10/07/2020 edited August 11, 2023

Years ago, I fell in love. It wasn’t easy for me to understand as sometimes I thought other women deserved this love rather than me. Every human being has a theory about the meaning of love, and we are in love when we are avoiding pain; however, as in the definitions of “limerence and love bombing,” sometimes takes decades to unravel by fighting and healing from such love bonds. As I am indigenous, I found when I disclosed being in love others question me as if there is something abnormal about my life choices. There’s no regret. It took much sacrifice from me that most would not take. It’s difficult for some to understand if they have not reflected on their own addictions. In my culture words like limerence and love bombing are concepts described in the context of “love medicine” or “having one pulling love medicine on you.” The need to be praised, validated, hugged for play or work as a child growing up is beneficial in how we seek out someone to love. It seems like a simple equation; however, during the pandemic I discovered something about myself. Something I unintentionally buried decades ago. A memory when I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves, as well as being present for others. Intergenerational trauma means knowing those who came before you and for me meant knowing the outcome of my parents and my grandparents. All were not raised by their parents. Systemic racism created by white supremacy to erase all indigenous people off the world to prove whose savage and who’s civilized was a society I was born into by no faut of my parents, nor my grandparents. For years I avoided emotional pain not realizing pleasure accompanies the experience of heartbreak. I am grateful for those life choices I made decades ago. Living in the present means living without creating any regrets from whatever we experience or are experiencing; however, it the understanding of how we heal ourselves. Sometimes, in today’s fast thinking society we think healing takes place like using a magic wand. I truly believe we as human beings can not and not capable of healing without the help of others. It is why traditional healers do not stand alone. They have a community. They have a network of “making relationships” and “being public without fear.”

As women’s rights were then, when I was eighteen, next to nil. I was so young indigenous woman. I didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being any woman. Any woman could not own a credit card or a house. Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I didn’t understand violence towards all women, as I’d see all women including family members coming to community functions with black eyes. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away at eighteen years of age, naïvely thinking I had all the answers. I have no regret in running away as I can reflect now seeing all my peers from my community, seeing what my life would be like if I remained home.

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes called “Indian residential schools.” Listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me as my late mom spoke about the impact Indian Residential School had on her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. I started talking about female sexual responses with a non-indigenous friend. She helped me realize how all women are affected by patriarchy.

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night or caught were SA or caught an STD. Women stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them was normal. Imagine being married never experiencing intimacy, only SA. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages monitored by their husbands. This to my understanding is what was taught in those Indian Residential Schools. This when children are born & marriage vows said before their God in a church. As the decades past, more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand their bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. We hope they support each other in sisterhood.  

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or from 15-24 years old our human brains are not fully developed nor are our bodies. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human beings throughout our lives. It’s also the very foundation of our sexual identity for every relationship we start & finish. Sometimes when a traumatic event or events is happening like war or a violent act, SA. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy through validation. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a healthy relationship with a healthy male friend. A man who eventually did not become an intimate friend. I didn’t realize he was using me as I was using him. As there’s this addictive need to feel validated as a public human being. This male friend sought out my ability to listen to him whether I understood what he was saying. He had friendships with professional people. He said they just would not understand him. It didn’t occur to me I served a purpose for him, a very selfish purpose.

As human beings its important for us to find love, a partner who is your equal. I say and continue to say that if I had not fallen in love, experienced ecstasy I would not have a reference point to keep myself balanced. From my experience of being SA at nineteen and if I had not written this blog anonymously, I believe my perception of normalcy would be distorted; however, knowing I loved a man, loved another other than family was very important once I realized I could no longer be anonymous. As human beings experiencing trauma we feel shame, guilt, and fear of being known. Fifty-two years ago, I disassociated my self thinking I could heal myself from being SA. Unconsciously I blamed all men for being violent in nature and could not see any form of forgiveness for all men. I mention this as an unconscious self-defeating behavior that I suppressed. I even thought after forty-four years I eliminated this behavior; however, confronting my perpetrator in a court room forgiving all men but not him cause what he did was an unforgivable act. I thought that shame, guilt, and fear was eliminated.  I did not go to court to seek out attention or validation. I fought to heal myself even when the perpetrator’s family would not believe I was SA. These two men were serial SA predators. From the RCMP investigations, I was their thirteenth, the youngest of all their victims.

As lateral violence is the new catchphrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. Imagine, knowing that if anyone of those older indigenous reported them, others would be saved. I have no regrets in knowing the bullying, intimidation I received. I learned this year that I was still trying to remain a private person. I sought out validation from others who unconsciously did not or did realize they were co-dependent on my need to be heard or listen to by them. I’d say to these two particular people, imagine that those women who were SA victims normalized SA as a part of their marriage vows. I sought out non-indigenous people for this addictive behavior. A self-defeating behavior that enabled me to be co-dependent on their affection or attention. It was their attention as I had boundaries set down for both. I didn’t realize I did not need them.

When I started writing this blog, I was bullied, intimidated, harassed, and stocked to stop blogging. As I remained anonymous, these threats meant noting to me as I was unknown. Nathan Chasing Horses follower sought me out and found out my name. Nathan had influenced one member of my extended family to give his followers my name and personal information.

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in any relationships out of fear, shame, and guilt. As much of this fear was unrealistic as I did not wrong; however, just as I forgave all men during my court case where my perpetrator was found guilty and sentenced. I had not understood forgiveness of self-defeating behavior I incorporated into my everyday life. I felt comfortable being invisible, being anonymous and being perceived as a knowledge keeper. We have knowledge keepers in our communities. I had to walk away from this delusion of safety in non-indigenous people. I had to trust my core feeling to guide me. Whether you understand or not, the important message is life is worth living. The only person I hurt was myself. I’ve had friends, relatives tell me. I just didn’t understand or was too afraid to follow my heart again. I breaks my heart to realize I suppressed memories of a man I loved. I wish I could tell him how the intimacy we shared guided me throughout my life. I made choices knowing those who came before me may not have been good people. I need to understand why they behaved so violently towards the women they loved. The women who gave them children.

A friend told me two things; one, that once I took this man to court, I would wonder why I had not done this sooner, and secondly, the greatest revenge I could have on those who hurt me was to live a happy life. I wrote this blog knowing these young women would and could some day heal from the abuse of Nathan Chasing Horse. How I knew they have the potential to heal someday was knowing Nathan was not the man he claimed he was. He had no respect for me nor the honesty I granted him, hoping he’d be brave enough to be honest. If anything, my ancestors taught me was that honesty is a virtue. Nathan could not and would never be honest with my step-niece.  This love Nathan had for her was made from violence, a force he imprinted on her innocence. This violence was forced on her and was not given freely nor enjoyed. I am so grateful for my friend and those friends I’ve made since then. I was healed enough to hear what her message meant. My hope is for all of Nathan’s victims that they heal. The greatest gift is to know you had the courage to report your SA and that the other gifts of life are here for you to celebrate, as young indigenous women you are where most of our female ancestors feared to tread.

As women, we are capable of so many great things once we’ve forgiven ourselves. It’s important not to forgive the person who SA you; however, it’s relevant to forgive all men who are not all predators. I no longer regret suppressing my memories, my emotions, nor do I seek out attention. It was an experience I lived, loved, and enjoyed sexual ecstasy. The sacrifice is knowing love once is all I need. I fought off my SA against two very violent married men. I repressed, and suppressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. My memories of any sexual partners virtually disappeared from years of suppressing sexual activity except for that the one love. He saves my life. Recovering memories of him guides me spiritually. A memory that surfaced during the isolation experienced during the worldwide pandemic.  Being honest about my experience with violence at a young age, many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered, I know I could have been a statistic too. My forgotten indigenous sisters were buried under a regime of systematic racism. 

publish 10/07/202 edited on August 11, 2023

Years ago ago I fell in love. It’s wasn’t easy to understand as sometime we think we are in love when we are really in avoiding pain; however, when I disclose this to others there’s no regret. Why? Cause I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves. Year, I didn’t know emotional pain accompanies pleasure. I’m totally grateful for this love of my life. Why? Why you may ask. Cause as lonely as I do get I have my memories of pleasure. 

As women’s rights were then, next to nil I was so young I really didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being a woman. What it meant? Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I’d see women coming to community functions with black eyes & I also my late mom & aunties in similar situations. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away Naïvely thinking I had all the answers. 

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes call Indian residential schools. And, eventually listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me. The total impact it had on their relationships AS WELL AS MINE. My late mom did realize this later in her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. 

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night are raped or were raped. They stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them is normal, cause they knew or had no experience about intimacy. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages I saw.

How can this be so, when children are born & their vows said before their God in a church of all places? As more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand her bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. Or, so we hope they support each other in sisterhood. 

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or your from 15-24 years old our human brains are not totally developed. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human being throughout our lives. It’s also. A foundation for every relationship we start & finish. 

Sometimes when there’s a traumatic event or events happening like war or rape or some violent act. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a heathly realionship with a healthy male friend. A man who became an intimate friend. 

If it we’re not for falling in love I believe & know that my preception of what’s normal would would been distorted after being brutality raped. I responded normally after being raped by suppressing my memories of this horrific event.  However, these indigenous men who raped me were serial rapists & Id been their 17th victim & their youngest victim. 

As lateral violence is the new catch phrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. I don’t blame any indigenous girls or indigenous women for bullying or being cruel towards rape victims. I’ve learned to see the bigger picture that there were many indigenous women who were abused & kept it secret. Mostly to protect themselves for their own abusers, their abusive husbands or absive boyfriends. Just Rto image that these women thought I’d think that rape is apart of their life. It’s part of their marriage that for them is normalized or normalized from decades of sexual abuse. 

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in such relationships. Much of this fear until recently was due to memories surpassed. It breaks my heart to realized that I suppressed the memories of the love of my life. Yet, it because of this love that I had fought my rapists. It’s because of this love I knew what violence was forced one wasn’t freely given nor enjoyed. If I hadn’t know love I’m convinced I probably would have thought what these rapist tried to instill in me that this was love. 

Memory of any sexual partners after being raped have virtually disappeared once I acknowledged I was loved once. It’s still amazing to me how fior. decades I repressed, surpressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. I had remained sexually active six years after being raped with all orgasms surpressed. 

The reason I’m being so honest about my experience with violence is that a young age many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered. I know I could have been a statistic too. I forgotten sister buried under a regime systematic racism. I know I’m healed. I know I loved. I know I survived. 

The love of my life saved my life. Once I recovered my memories I surpressed I realized  what he had given me. For years indigenous women would say to me to forgive my rapists. I told these women that what these men  did was an unforgivable act of violence. I started creating healthy boundaries by not entering into ceremonies where I knew rapists were or were ceremonies being held by other rapists. I found I didn’t  need to tell people why I wouldn’t participate & then I realized as I saw other women also refusing without saying why. I realized I wasn’t alone. 

Really with pandemic...☺️

I’m taking a break from discussing my entire trauma rather I’d like to focus on the way healthy sexual men behave. NCH & his relationship with the men who follow him has nothing to do with being a true warrior. A warrior and s a man who can share everything about his fears he’s feeling. NCH’s relationship with men is totally opposite of how men, true forces of nature, related to their healthy sexual selves means they don’t shut down. They down share women nor do they expect women to share themselves with others. We have to believe that we bond with each other at an eternal level that has no bounds. It’s eternal with no time limits only timeless. Why? Cause when a man needs to live in their moment if the now they know that this could be their last awe ha Han moment. They form bonds of support with other warrior men & women.

Really! How many times must we come back to earth to understand these eternal laws. Well, it’s boys like Nathan who perpetuate these lies & feeds into the fears of women or girls. Well, especially girls, cause they bonding of experiencing their first sexual experience he thinks is making a man. When really how he is. Is a por boy looking for the man who sexually assaulted him. Why else would he never be able to form a healthy relationship with other men, especially warrior men. We have millions of warrior men in this entire world of 8 billion people. Warrior men who share their intimately feelings about all women. Imagine, a man who fears what he’s felt. Falling in love is a scary feeling for men & only warrior men can process these feelings with other men. 

Mostvwarrior men need this cause they’ve been traumatized by a war of some kind. They’ve learned to survive. Believe me as a healthy sexual indigenous woman who loved & still love such a warrior man. I’m dangerous to such indigenous boys who’ve been sexually abused by other men, wither there indigenous or not. This unhealthy bond cause such boys like NCH to exploit. I truly believe when he met me his thought he could manipulate me like so many women my age; however, it wasn’t until this pandemic that I realized that I had such a truth, such a love & such a soul to understand love of a healthy warrior. 

This man, for me, was a healthy sexual 26 year old blue eyed devil. He told me all his tricks and all his lies. He never promised me anything. He persuaded me & we had something more rare than simple exclusivities. What I felt was meta-human that’s in all our DNA. So, now. Know why this boy who calls himself NCH “Smiles A lot.” Shows all his truck & all his lies without ever having experiencing’cabin what it’s like to live in a daily basis with the fear of kissing him life. The man I bonded with had to have been enlisted in the draft at 18 i this meant I was 11 when he went into battle during the Vietnam War. It was 7 years later I’d meet him. Really we were just like children in our youth. This only difference is he was already a combat veteran & I was a refreshing oasis. A place to rest from surviving in the streets of Vancouver as a draft dodger going AWOL from the US marine Corps. 

I needed to reassure you, the reader that there are very few human beings who can voice the difference between why men are the why they are. Men are meant to bond with other men. In groups they share they’re inner most feelings. It’s why at why at weddings there is a best men. I was definitely guided Crwator to met such a devil with such blue eyes. When he walked into the room his bname airy took my breathe away. Our first glance at each other was one of astonishment. He came directly to me as if I was only person in the entire room. As I said he convinced me by the sparkle in his eyes & that come-hither smile. 

On a side note, the psychic powers of combat soldiers is heightened by their ability to survive active combat duty. It’s taken decades for me to realize I had repressed this devilish experience. (I use these words for the sake of Religious indigenousity) why? Cause shorty afterward I was brutally raped. For decades I repressed the true feelings I had with my warrior lover that blue eyed devil from California. 

I know that for some of readers this could be a trigger & I’d like to apologize. It’s this reality that as much as I can say being sexually healthy is truly a blessing it’s also an unobtainable reality. I’m grateful that I can leave my journey at any time with knowing that I was once lived & that did love this blue eyed devil back. In our naïveté we scared each other & im eternally grateful for his companionship with another Marine. As I’m eternally grateful for all those invisible helping hands who supported & guided me to this new reality of what it’s like to be awaken.

This was always my goal was to help other indigenous girls & indigenous women was to validate that we are not just “the other” “property” “ some other’s ownership” or “separate from mind & body” was western society. As Indigenous women we are matriarchs with stronger DNA than we’ll experience than any other lifetimes & it’s price is what we see today.

Thousands of murdered & missing indigenous girls & indigenous women at the hands of strangers or acquaintances for being awaken as any other feral me or male gender. 

My condolences to Nathan Chasing His Horse for not being awaken as a warrior. Ladies there are men out there who are worthy of your love, so please follow & trust your gut. Creator is the great Mystery & love is eternal. We are all connected with this common thread. 

For my followers, thank you for allowing me into your truths, your love & your souls. Wopida  Mitakuye Oyasin 

Seriously

 I thought lateral violence was at bay for me until this past month. The exposure of sexual abuse, ritual abuse & human trafficking is real & dangerous. These predators don’t like being exposed. From Nathan to the lowest followers of any predator who uses smudge ceremonies, sweats & Sundance to his tgeir deviant behavior. These predators have followers who are capable of slander, manipulation & hiding. 

The fact that NCHH is so public doesn’t make him safe. Recently I disclosed & warned a organization about an elder who had a history of incest. I disclosed under the impression everything was being held in confidence. Instead the woman who invited me & others opened it up for discussion. 

I’m mentioning this cause any women. I mean women & girls who actually were raped by NCHH continue to be experiencing lateral violence from his followers. It’s a point in fact that any victim of violence will have any predators’s followers, be there family members or close friends.  This enabling behavior shows a lack of individuals an inability to firm healthy boundaries. The sexual abuse lingers like a bad story. It lingers for years with the predator still finding his or her victims. 

Believe me when when I say male or female. If you ever wonder why women kill their own babies or train their children to be prostitutes. It’s a need to survive. The cruelty they commit in order to please men who have money & power. Non-indigenous women experience this all the time too. 

I’m just trying to get my point across that even your own sisters or nieces of aunties or mothers can enable & support a rapist. 

I’m old enough to know that everyday people suspect or know someone is being sexually abused. I’ve talked about it enough times to the point where people tell him to get over it. The truth & reconciliation of being victims of inter-generational trauma means many dint want to talk about it. 

Fortunately, I’m connected to people who want to help empower young indigenous girls & young indigenous women. Fortunately NCHH’s police record is public access. When I first started blogging this wasn’t public knowledge. Fortunately too, there are indigenous men who want NCHH to stand in court room room for all the crimes he’s done against girls & women. 

We’ve seen how the rich & powerful support each other. Is it any wonder the money & support NCHH gets from his billionaire friends buys & promotes his practice?

He’s no different than a glorified pimp selling to the highest bidder. You see, we in Canada know the difference between rape culture & prison culture cause we’ve seen what money can do with our treaties. We have legislation in place through non-insured health benefits that identifies sexual predators within our First Nations. It’s our old politicians who know the secrets within our communities. They’ve tried to help solve this problem. 

I’m just putting it all out there for NCHH’s followers to go get an education & to therapy. You do not have interpersonal skills in finding intimacy with any man or men. It’s not just you it’s the entire prices of being welll &!firtger being able to establish healthy boundaries. 

We all have a third eye a part of ourselves that we don’t see. Only  the other can see us. So be mindful of what your thought tell you cause they also reveal more able your hidden self or your third eye. 

In closing, watch the Netflix ‘Messiah’ I believe Creatir also has healthy boundaries. I believe there’s more to everyone of us even NCHH. He was once an innocent child born into poverty like so many of us. I’ve studied him long enough to know that he must rule believe he doesn’t lie. I believe his way of life in his delusional reality is his truth. However, I believe by the time I first met him he was already running, surviving on his fear of being caught. Since then his life his one of being a paranoid delusional man. 

If you don’t believe me ask any crown prosecutor how their clients behaves when standing before any judge. They are afraid of witnesses & are prepared to sacrifice anyone near them. Their own being is self preservation. 

Look up history on how women killed children in WWII or look up Indian brothels in India were women sacrifice up their own children for prostitution. Each looking out for their own self Preservation. Look up how indigenous people the same thing to feed their children. We are capable of dining such horrific things for self preservation. Some call this dark magic. 

Remember or look it up, for five thousand years the Egyptians practice magic. There’s a historical site where people made their pilgrimage during these 5 thousand years. Here one sees the ceramic pieces left all over the ground where they left their offering in these small pots. All that remains is the shards of colored ceramic pieces for miles. Today we are NOT advanced enough to even built a pyramid. 

I just wanted to mention this so that you are aware that we are not far removed from our ancestors. We enable people to practice dark magic. In psychology it a realm of behavior patterns. 

That moment when everything becomes clear

Aging: it difficult not in the sense of body aches & disease rather it’s losing friends or a acquaintances. Yes, there’s death in this loss; however, recently I’ve seen another type of loss. 

As a young woman I wasn’t equip with life skills to physically protect myself or even emotionally understand sexual assault comes in many different forms of sexual abuse. 

Until recently, I reconnected with an old acquaintance. We met as teens & he was a very angry teen. Today he’s still angry. When we reconnected he admitted to me he had liked me very much but regretted never telling me. (This is his version) 

I explained the numerous times he was mean to me & that I was interested in knowing more about his life. He’d joined the RCMP then went into law school finding employment for Justice Canada. He had also drank himself into an unhealthy lifestyle. Had since lived through four heart attacks & from my observation over time realized he suffered from other ailments. 

The reason I’m disclosing his story is that whatever he was in his former self he was now lost. Lost in the sense of short term memory. 

For me, the event that stood out for me as a teen was when he groped me. As I’ve said I didn’t know the whole extent of sexual abuse. Decades went by I’d think about him & he admitted he also thought about me. 

My child’s mind could process he had tried to rape me. Yet, now I look back in his life in was he told me. I couldn’t quite get my mind around it. Then, because of an article I read about a obstetrician sexually assaulting his patients. One of the patients recalls how she felt if she had ever been sexually assault she’d yell or scram out. It took her awhile to tell her husband. 

For me, this acquaintance tried to rape me. As I realize too that there’s a class action law suit against RCMP of sexual harassment in the work force. I began thinking I was probably his first attempt at sexual assault. As he disclosed in his drunkenness he couldn’t remember what he did or had done. This was all during his academic life & employment history. 

He refuse to move back to Canada cause of racism here; however, after reflecting on my experience with him. I’ve come to realize he’s probably got other women who he’s sexually abused. 

The problem here is his brain appears to be be damaged from all the alcohol he consumed. Any reference I brought forward to him about what he did to me he denied. His memory of his groping never was from his point of view a boyish thing. 

Why I say I am losing friends. I mean in his aging he’s lost apart of his younger self. It’s not Alzheimer’s or dementia. His anger is still apart of him. His attitude towards indigenous girls & indigenous women is still the same. I’m all the better for not having him as a friend. 

When I first text him I left deep sorrow as I’d lost someone. It’s not until recently that it’s that boy I knew whom I thought ‘needed a break.’ Many people felt this about him & helped him. It’s breaks my heart that the anger that he carried from his childhood still drives him. I just didn’t want not to see or admit to myself what he had done to me. He claims I’m the only indigenous girl he ever liked. 

I believe it’s even a deeper issue with all women. Now that he’s elderly all his abilities to hide his true self is fading as well. 

I’m not saying is entire life is tragic. I’m just sad that I’ve lost someone I knew. He’s here physically but whomever he’s trying to be only make him angrier and angrier. 

I hope whomever reads this thinks about what alcohol doesn’t to the human body. It kills women faster then men; however, for men it doesn’t effect their bodies like it does women. It effects their brain function. 

I encourage the youth in my family to not drink or to stop drinking. I encourage them to seek mental health counseling. 

My acquaintance was a vibrant young man when I first met him. It’s his unresolved trauma that effected his entire life. 

At the time I reconnected with him I didn’t fully understand the grief I felt for him. It obsessed me. 

It also ended with any doubt about who I’ve become. I have a voice. I’ve been responsible for my own mental health for decades. Creator blessed me. 🙏🏽

So many things happen to change how people see a predator

 Apparently, much has happened with Nathan as seen online. He’s gone underground. Rumors of him being a millionaire for me is an exaggeration. As the back child support he’s had to pay over these decades is in the hundred of thousands. The crime of living off of the women he has in his cult is noted. One of the ladies has tried numerous times to get total back child support & that only one of over ten women she’s abandoned. 

I’m making this short, as for me it’s the reality of the whole issue of Murdered & Missing girls & women..indigenous women have struggled to find their voices & on the brights side of there is a bright side is. The majority of the women who’ve left his cult or who were victims of his rape have healed. They’ve found their voices & are continuing to help other victims of this guy. I don’t call him a man cause he’s pedophile incapable of loving a woman his own age. His addiction to control women stems from his upbringing. As in all case, a submissive mother. It’s not not uncommon for indigenous to not have a voice & totally relay on their husband’s word. This control over a woman isn’t healthy. For a bit to witness his women were silenced is it it wonder why he is who he is. 

The difference though in each generation is that there is support for women with other women. I’m grateful for most of his victims who found new lives in their lives. For some, their emotional abuse was so horrific they remain in & out of State hospitals on suicide watch. 

People like him trying to silence their victims is historical & is now only being understood. 

It is possible to regain or find your female voice. It’s possible for so many girls & women to know there’s hope in recovery from abuse. 

I’m not perfect, neither  are so many of us. The difference though is in the quality of education  & the quality of life. The hardest thing for me over this decade is to face the reality that Nathan has destroyed so many women’s lives. It’s bad enough we face racism & discrimination from white supremacy. It’s bad enough indigenous women & girls are being hunted but to have our own Indigenous brother (Nathan) hunt is too. This is why I starting writing about him. Yes, there are many like him; however, he likes to think he the only one of his kind. And, maybe that is how he justifies his perversions.

I know there’s a problem with is. There’s a problem in trusting each other; however, it’s possible to have an intimate relationship with a married person. A relationship that is not sexual nor abusive. It’s possible to be accepted by their family has their parent’s friend & with the husband or wife knowing they have a trusting  the friendship, relationship.

Throughout the decade I’ve had an opportunity to talk intimately with some very successful indigenous women. As we live & breathe our culture it’s impossible to find such a make companion who has strong boundaries. As it’s an understanding of friendship. Not a business friendship but rather a friendship where both parties he’ll each other. 

This is where Nathan abuses so many young women who don’t have strong boundaries. For most, they started off being manipulated into thinking their friendship with Nathan would have strong boundaries only for him to cross them by raping them. It apart of rape culture, so is it any wonder why so many successful indigenous women don’t have an intimate  non-sexual companion in friendship. A healthy friendship is one where your friend’s spouse knows you & his or her children also knows you. It’s trust!

So, the blessing in finding your voice is being able or allowing yourself to be intimate in a safe & protective relationship. I didn’t realize all the things I would learn about rape culture & prison culture. So, be safe &do protect yourself. People tend to become laterally violent when you or anyone speaks their truth. 

Nathan for all the exotic narcissism is incapable of forming an intimate non-sexual relationship. He cannot help himself as it appears for his lust for virgin & submissive women only wants to control them. All you need to do is ask yourself to r realize he’s a product of being raised in a rape & prison culture.The shame he’s hidden so deep inside himself may never be healed or for that matter be cured. 

It takes sacrifice to break this cycle & many have become educated & heslht who were raised in such an environment of genocide. 

Haven’t been here for awhile

I’ve recently joined a Facebook group. The women in this group support each other’s stories. Some of their stories I’ve heard before. As they’ve been victims of Nathan. I just wanted to post to say to anyone who reads this blog that your not alone. 

My analogy of this plastic medicine man is now redefining him as a glorified pimp. Here’s a story. Decades ago I went with a few of my cousins to a downtown skid row bar during New Year’s Eve. We accidentally got invited into a ‘pimp & their stable’ gala. You see, we were surprised they were closing early & one of cousin’s friends knew what was going on & knew some pimps. 

The reason I’m mentioning this is that when I hear women describe seeing Nathan with his seven young wives. I think about those pumps I saw that night. Each was dressed to impress & each of the girls in their stables wore expensive jewelry & furs. Everyone was showing off their goods. 

Luring & making their lifestyle seem attractive. I see this Nathan & his stable doing the same thing at Pow Wows. The only difference is all his victims are present. Throughout my time listening to how influential he’s been in breaking up families by silencing his followers. 

Many of his rape victims are shunned by their families if their family supports him. Some women were so going. I’ve read where some had associated themselves with his cult for over twenty years & some ten years. 

Girls whom he’s lured in by confession he’s undying devotion to them. It may sound silly; however, he did swear his undying devotion to me for fund raising & paying him $5,000. At the time, I thought all he needed to do was say ‘thank you!’ I didn’t realize I’d had accidentally open a Pandora’s box. He managed to manipulate almost or close to $100,000 from my community. 

There’s no money trail cause he was paid in cause for some & others he had female band members do his bidding like renting. He stayed in an apartment paid by our community funds. The young woman from my community had given up her apartment to him & his stable of girls. They lived there rent free. Until they were reported. 

Oh he’s excellent at getting people attention as I said when he said ‘I would die for you.’ As we sat in his vehicle after a band Councillor habdedchim $5,000.00. It was a very impressive way of saying thank you. I mean he’s playing the poor Rez boy card. Like he he’s never seen $5,000.00. Of course, it was manipulative. By this time in his private life he had paid off a court order for child support of about $70,000.00. So, he knew what it was like to have large amounts of money. He knew how to use peoples feelings of grieve against them. Rather than find a common ground he abused their grieve & their anger.

I’m getting off track from the stories of all these young women. It’s taken time. It’s been worth every single blog I’ve written. It’s worth all my warnings. It’s taken over a decade & I’m truly grateful for all these young women coming together to support each other. 

They were so young & naïve. Their stories of being raped as a child & their belief that his manipulative ways were only temporary. As I’ve said they became a battered wife or girlfriend. Being beaten, raped when ever felt like he needed to get back his control over them. 

Each said they stayed because everyone said he was a good man. Yet, for me, I sought out any goodness in what he claimed he healed. You see, he’s never healed anyone including himself. He’s an interpretator & manipulator. He couldn’t be satisfied on just being blessed with a gift to interpret what peoples gifts were. I truly believe he became so jealous that he chose to manipulate those most vulnerable to be accepted. 

From all these girls came a healing journey that is healing others. You see, Nathan is the worst of the worst. Yet, we are so enmeshed in our own codependency. Raped culture is why Nathan has never been caught despite only five of his rape victims being in this private Facebook page. There’s are so many of us in denial of what we see everyday in our lives. We tend to think a man walking around with seven girls is normal. We tend to think he’s treating them good cause why else would they stay with him. 

Just a girls who’ve been sex trafficked, his stable of girls changes as these girls grow up around him & leave. They learned to put boundaries up. They learned to ask him who he lives or what he truly love. His constant manipulative ways worn them out when they each realized he’s incapable of feeling love or being loved. He’d rather be worshipped. 

As I’ve said, at some point in his life he gave up on Creator. Cause he wasn’t happy with the gift creator gave me. I’m sure when he realized the many plans creator had for so many of us Nathan got jealous. I see this in all his survivors if his abuse. The gifts they are sharing after denying themselves this freedom. 

For me, it’s what one of his first cousins told me years ago that made me realize who Nathan really was portraying. He cousin said ‘I wish people would just leave him alone & figure things out in their own.’ Yes, if were not so vulnerable when they had met him & if they had some lifeskills about grieving, I think they would have trusted their gut feelings. 

As I’ve said, from my nature prospective at the first encounters I had with Nathan, yes, I was impressed; however, I still needed to find someone who could Vouch for him. Believe me I searched. Why, cause $5,000.00 is a lot of money. For each ceremony of communicating with the dead he got $5,000.00 & for the 7 ceremonies I helped arrange each family or group cane up with this money. 

This type of spiritual abuse on top of his Skid row mentality over young girls eventually got him banished from our community. I believe we realized we can do these things ourselves.  After all Creator gave all human beings this gift. Some want more...

FEAR “Will anyone care?”

‪Never really understood until now about the fear of telling someone & they not believing. ‬

Decades after being raped I’d told my story it seemed hundreds of times with nobody believing me or it seemed they didn’t know how to help. Until, one day a new friend asked me "does your rapist know he or they hurt you?" 

All those years I thought in some naïve way that I thought I had by talking to acquaintances; however, in reality they didn’t believe me. 

In reality, I needed to face my fear. I needed to let the surviving rapist know they had hurt me. Nobody knows the agony of the seven year investigation until the court date. People thought I did it out of revenge. Despite my efforts when I’d tell people I was doing it for my own healing they didn’t understand. I hope today there are more people who start to understand this fear. A fear of people not believing your truth. 🙏🏽😪🙏🏽

In some ways writing this blog is a form of writing openly. As I keep myself Anonymous so people so people don’t judge me if they knew me. I’ve written my truth in this blog; however, there’s been a need from within myself to overcome this fear. I believe we all have this to some degree. I just didn’t understand where it from until I listened to this man’s story. 

Ron Gosbee isn't Indigenous, but as a child, he was one of a small number of white children who attended a residential school. youtu.be/SyVrohwsHX8 @JorgeBarrera

Last night:::

After a day of picking chokecherries, me and a cousin sat and talked for hours. She knew about a metis family that I was curious about. She thought I was thinking about a possible future relationship with an educated metis Guy; however, after everything was said and done she realized I was just curious. We all can find something disturbing about our families. 

It may seem strange that my curiosity about violence in homes and how the long term effects of this type of trauma has had on adult children applies to me.  

I use the analogy of a tree growing with a firm rooted foundation. I tell people image that at the base of our skulls the brain stem are these roots. As our brain develops just like a tree branchs or vessels spread widely throughout our skulls. I say that the amount of branches determine our synaptic memory or storage for information or response to survival. 

In any case as Human being we develop these imagery trees within our skulls as apart of human brain development. The analogy of a healthy developed brain is based on whether a child has experienced trauma. The less trauma experienced the greater amount of branches. 

I know it sounds strange to use a tree as an example; however, I use this to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. So, when I meet adult children of violence much comes into play. For the most part I had thought about alcohol & drug abuse involved in violence as recently these past few decades it been an increasing common experience. 

But this turned out not to be about not just violence when one or both parents are involved in violent behavior around growing developing children. I’ve used my own life as a self reflective model. As a comparison to base a scale of how much trauma I experienced as opposed to others. 

Boundaries also came into place as how children were raised. As in most violent himes where the father was violent towards a child or the child had continuously was targeted. In most case when a person is intoxiated most will not hid their children from witnessing such behavior. My late mother protected us as much as she could. As a result of this I’ve realized how fortunate I was. My late mom came from a matriarchal way of thinking. 

Households were patriarchy took hold meant the wives within these household were too frightened to hide their children. There were no type of boundaries established to help guide the child or children. In hindsight I can see why one of the guys I studied said “I don’t believe in boundaries” it’s because he never saw such boundaries as a child. 

Or for example, I’m gifted. I’m very talented; however, it’s difficult to believe that this comes from wanting to be accepted. As my late mom wasn’t a nice to me as she was tobtge testbif my siblings. Yet, my siblings saw the two of us as close only because we both worked on each other. In the end we learned trust. It’s because of this trust that I was able to do my art practice time without self judgement. 

Sometimes when I write I forget to let my readers know that much of what I write about took years of self reflection. Self discovery for me is a lifelong Journey until I go home. So you may be wondering what does this have to do with obsession or passive aggressive personalities. As it is, staying focused during a conversation so as not to be passive in the conversation takes practice for me as well as becoming aggressive in my use of descriptive narratives. 

Okay I’m wandering, my result from last night’s conversation was a break through. This only happened cause the woman I was talking with had worked in these northern communities. I’d heard about violent violence in home as being extremely common; however, when it comes to the politics of children I become very serious. 

For me, it’s important to elect people who were never abused violently by the patriarchal fathers. The violence experienced by these children mapped in their behavior. Just like that tree I described earlier. The more or the extreme violent acts done to them determines how well developed their brains branched out. How reflexive they are to adapt non/violently or process abstract concepts about violence and healthy boundaries. I know I sound dry and clinical; however, our indigenous children are depending on us to know what good leadership is when we see it. 

Being educated for me has come with a blessing of sorts in that people only see what they want to see. Much of the indigenous people I know are educated; however, it’s their early childhood experiences that separate us from the rest. I’m not saying these men are dangerous I’m just saying their capacity for validation certain things isn’t there or it’s there but difficult to access. Much like a person with dyslexia who has difficulty reading. It’s something that can be managed and used but that it takes a great effort than those didn’t come from violent homes  in childhood. 

It sounds like I may be confusing you the reader; however, let me reassure you. These educated people are complex people. We all are complex. The difference is in the experience of intimacy. I’m not talking about physically sexual intimacy rather I’m taking about discourse. 

It frightens me to think how a human being can function everyday doing a violent act in order to feel normal. As in women becoming violently obsessed with seducing a man or a man stalking a woman or a woman stalking a man. This need to feel normal comes in many forms and shapes. 

As I’ve said, years of dealing with my own behavior and finding visible helping hands guiding me forward and some some not do invisible. 

We all want to be loved. It’s establishing healthy healing boundaries that opens us up to Creator. 

In my conversation last night nothing happens by accident. We are born here & we are alive. It’s how we evolve, how we thrive that cause a ripple effect in this universe. 

I was once told indirectly “he said you think your more powerful than him.” At the time I didn’t understand. Because of this one man who loved me as a young woman. This one man who without knowing it allowed me to connect all the dots around my own childhood experiences around violence. For you see, as much as I had believed I grew up up in a violent home I didn’t. I grew up in a violent community. 

I didn’t need to isolate myself for protection; however, I’m glad I did. If my life is to shed some light on our human condition than so be it. And, to also give maybe you the reader premission to live your life then so be it. 

We choose to function a certain way. Our brains become wired tobrespond a certain way.  It doesn’t mean we can not change. I truly believe change dirs come to those who have healthy boundaries. Even growing up with boundaries of any kind is ver my vital. Meaning boundaries are boundaries whether they are unhealthy or healthy. It when you’ve convinced yourself you have no boundaries that you are truly in trouble. 

The image I went to sleep with last night was seeing a grown man running around his home early in the morning with an axe chasing after his wife. Chasing her as their children hurried into a school bus to go to school. This story told to me by the social worker who had to debrief these traumatized children. 

Image now this man with the axe is the brother & brother-in-law of two retired RCMP officers. One officer also a retired lawyer. It’s the retured lawyer whose the blood brother to this man with the axe. They have a younger brother who is just as violent towards their physically intimate partners. All with the exception of the brother-in-law are indigenous. 

All believing they are better than other indigenous people. It’s a frightening reality of what some children learned & continue to teach each generation when they too start becoming parents and then violent grandparents. 

In closing, yes it’s a blessing to be educated. It also hides any deep rooted childhood trauma. As people look for margalized people with alcohol & drug abuse issues, so educated people are seen as healthy cause they’re productive. 

Some of you may understand ritual abuse and the degrees and levels that these ritual occur in every human beings lives. We as adults need to know how to protect our children from becoming such violent creatures or monsters. As we tend to stereotype margalize people by not looking into our own childhood traumas. I believe by having the courage to look into our past life as a child we are helping others. We may not see it cause Creator guides us forward. It’s the prayers of protection that Creator answers. 

And yes, at the time I didn’t know what the comment meant “she thinks she more powerful than me.” meant; however, I don’t see power. I only see guidance through an educated mind. 

It’s a sad state:::

When I was younger I developed an interest in biographies. How a person lived & what things they did that made them unique. I never thought I’d become obsessed with getting some sort of validation. Something that would confirm my suspicions about an individual’s behavior as in what motivated them to be who they became. 

A few months ago I started writing about a fellow who ran away from Canada. I’ve said canada is an a apartheid country. Some say I’m mistaken yet, when I’ve various indigenous people who feel they are a little better than me, I wonder. 

Decades ago, as it started decades ago, I was sexual harrassed and sexually groped by a guy around my age. It’s normal human development considering we both didn’t know how to act being attracted to each other. 

What I’m getting at was that he claimed I was the only indigenous girl he had ever had feelings for & regretted never telling me or acting in it. He said that I’d pop up in his mind at particular times, just out of the blue. 

I was flattered at first & had hoped we could develop a friendship. I’d hoped he would respect my boundaries but he said he didn’t believe in boundaries. The whole process after that all went down hill. 

I couldn’t just leave it alone as needed to know why he had such a negative attitude towards women. He’d been separated from his wife from ten years. He also seemed like he had some experience CATFISHING with other women in social media sites. This made me even more curious. 

So here’s the short of it. He’s always thought himself a little better than me cause he has a little “white” blood in him. This is where the “apartheid” attitude came into play. It’s apparent that a woman with no indigenous bloodline is inferior to me. As a matter of fact this guy was so blind in his arrogance that he didn’t see the paradox he created. 

Every woman he ever had sex with was in opinion a woman he loved. Meaning that there was never ever going to be an indigenous woman he’d ever love. In fact he told me I was the only indigenous woman he regretted never revealing love; however, all woman he loved were “white.” I’m assuming these woman were treated good at first then his meanness would show. His is why could never find happiness with any “white” woman. Yet, after resolving his feeling for me he returned to his wife asking for forgiveness. 

My reality is going the total distance in trying to understand him and his motives. Apparently, he’s more concerned about about having someone he can never have and it’s driving him crazy. Everything he’s ever done was to prove to “white” that he a “Brown” skinned man could have what “whitemen” had. He said he had to prove to them he could succeed. 

It was very difficult to grasp his motivations when my “buckskin” skin was something I’ve worn proudly. After all I am a human being. 

Sadly, this guy comes from a very troubling past. His brothers are monsters causetgeir father was a monster. Nothing can change the violent relationships his brothers have had with indigenous women. Even though he’s never been sexually active with indigenous women there’s that violent influence that has consumed his brothers. 

It’s frightening how controlling these brothers are with any woman they’ve become intimate with; however, cause this guy has avoided indigenous women he thinks he’s in controll. 

Apartheid where isolation from siblings based on who they married exists within indigenous communities. It’s apart of the side effect of systemic racism. 

Everyone is effected. 

Reality though is it’s tough to be him cause in order for him to heal he must face this reality. Violence surfaces it’s ugly face no matter how much energy one puts into believing they are controlling it. 

As a result of my research into his life and his lifestyle, I can serious say Creator has had my back for protecting me from such a guy. I’ve heard of horrible violence & I say away from adults who tolerated it for years. The lesson I’ve learned is a person can run away from Canada but their personal life can not be hidden. Creator finds a way of making us accountable for our actions. 

Sometimes when we get older if we’ve managed to excel in something great our pasts our made to be forgotten by those who remember. It’s done this way as our youth need a goal or a mentor to get them to believe all this are possible. And, so it is. 

However, my blog is meant to reach and for whatever reason a person finds solace in it. For me, it gives me joy to know that someone is moving forward. This means nothing negative is holding that person back into evolving. 

So, don’t always believe what on social media. Do your research by interviewing people who know people to get the bigger picture. Once the picture is complete the obsession is finished & laid to rest. 

As it’s not in my path to understand someone else’s shame or for that matter take my magic wand waving for that shame to vanish. I must cut & slice the string that kept this energy stale or dormant. 

🙏🏽💕🙏🏽