published 10/07/2020 edited August 11, 2023

Years ago, I fell in love. It wasn’t easy for me to understand as sometimes I thought other women deserved this love rather than me. Every human being has a theory about the meaning of love, and we are in love when we are avoiding pain; however, as in the definitions of “limerence and love bombing,” sometimes takes decades to unravel by fighting and healing from such love bonds. As I am indigenous, I found when I disclosed being in love others question me as if there is something abnormal about my life choices. There’s no regret. It took much sacrifice from me that most would not take. It’s difficult for some to understand if they have not reflected on their own addictions. In my culture words like limerence and love bombing are concepts described in the context of “love medicine” or “having one pulling love medicine on you.” The need to be praised, validated, hugged for play or work as a child growing up is beneficial in how we seek out someone to love. It seems like a simple equation; however, during the pandemic I discovered something about myself. Something I unintentionally buried decades ago. A memory when I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves, as well as being present for others. Intergenerational trauma means knowing those who came before you and for me meant knowing the outcome of my parents and my grandparents. All were not raised by their parents. Systemic racism created by white supremacy to erase all indigenous people off the world to prove whose savage and who’s civilized was a society I was born into by no faut of my parents, nor my grandparents. For years I avoided emotional pain not realizing pleasure accompanies the experience of heartbreak. I am grateful for those life choices I made decades ago. Living in the present means living without creating any regrets from whatever we experience or are experiencing; however, it the understanding of how we heal ourselves. Sometimes, in today’s fast thinking society we think healing takes place like using a magic wand. I truly believe we as human beings can not and not capable of healing without the help of others. It is why traditional healers do not stand alone. They have a community. They have a network of “making relationships” and “being public without fear.”

As women’s rights were then, when I was eighteen, next to nil. I was so young indigenous woman. I didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being any woman. Any woman could not own a credit card or a house. Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I didn’t understand violence towards all women, as I’d see all women including family members coming to community functions with black eyes. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away at eighteen years of age, naïvely thinking I had all the answers. I have no regret in running away as I can reflect now seeing all my peers from my community, seeing what my life would be like if I remained home.

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes called “Indian residential schools.” Listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me as my late mom spoke about the impact Indian Residential School had on her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. I started talking about female sexual responses with a non-indigenous friend. She helped me realize how all women are affected by patriarchy.

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night or caught were SA or caught an STD. Women stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them was normal. Imagine being married never experiencing intimacy, only SA. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages monitored by their husbands. This to my understanding is what was taught in those Indian Residential Schools. This when children are born & marriage vows said before their God in a church. As the decades past, more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand their bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. We hope they support each other in sisterhood.  

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or from 15-24 years old our human brains are not fully developed nor are our bodies. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human beings throughout our lives. It’s also the very foundation of our sexual identity for every relationship we start & finish. Sometimes when a traumatic event or events is happening like war or a violent act, SA. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy through validation. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a healthy relationship with a healthy male friend. A man who eventually did not become an intimate friend. I didn’t realize he was using me as I was using him. As there’s this addictive need to feel validated as a public human being. This male friend sought out my ability to listen to him whether I understood what he was saying. He had friendships with professional people. He said they just would not understand him. It didn’t occur to me I served a purpose for him, a very selfish purpose.

As human beings its important for us to find love, a partner who is your equal. I say and continue to say that if I had not fallen in love, experienced ecstasy I would not have a reference point to keep myself balanced. From my experience of being SA at nineteen and if I had not written this blog anonymously, I believe my perception of normalcy would be distorted; however, knowing I loved a man, loved another other than family was very important once I realized I could no longer be anonymous. As human beings experiencing trauma we feel shame, guilt, and fear of being known. Fifty-two years ago, I disassociated my self thinking I could heal myself from being SA. Unconsciously I blamed all men for being violent in nature and could not see any form of forgiveness for all men. I mention this as an unconscious self-defeating behavior that I suppressed. I even thought after forty-four years I eliminated this behavior; however, confronting my perpetrator in a court room forgiving all men but not him cause what he did was an unforgivable act. I thought that shame, guilt, and fear was eliminated.  I did not go to court to seek out attention or validation. I fought to heal myself even when the perpetrator’s family would not believe I was SA. These two men were serial SA predators. From the RCMP investigations, I was their thirteenth, the youngest of all their victims.

As lateral violence is the new catchphrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. Imagine, knowing that if anyone of those older indigenous reported them, others would be saved. I have no regrets in knowing the bullying, intimidation I received. I learned this year that I was still trying to remain a private person. I sought out validation from others who unconsciously did not or did realize they were co-dependent on my need to be heard or listen to by them. I’d say to these two particular people, imagine that those women who were SA victims normalized SA as a part of their marriage vows. I sought out non-indigenous people for this addictive behavior. A self-defeating behavior that enabled me to be co-dependent on their affection or attention. It was their attention as I had boundaries set down for both. I didn’t realize I did not need them.

When I started writing this blog, I was bullied, intimidated, harassed, and stocked to stop blogging. As I remained anonymous, these threats meant noting to me as I was unknown. Nathan Chasing Horses follower sought me out and found out my name. Nathan had influenced one member of my extended family to give his followers my name and personal information.

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in any relationships out of fear, shame, and guilt. As much of this fear was unrealistic as I did not wrong; however, just as I forgave all men during my court case where my perpetrator was found guilty and sentenced. I had not understood forgiveness of self-defeating behavior I incorporated into my everyday life. I felt comfortable being invisible, being anonymous and being perceived as a knowledge keeper. We have knowledge keepers in our communities. I had to walk away from this delusion of safety in non-indigenous people. I had to trust my core feeling to guide me. Whether you understand or not, the important message is life is worth living. The only person I hurt was myself. I’ve had friends, relatives tell me. I just didn’t understand or was too afraid to follow my heart again. I breaks my heart to realize I suppressed memories of a man I loved. I wish I could tell him how the intimacy we shared guided me throughout my life. I made choices knowing those who came before me may not have been good people. I need to understand why they behaved so violently towards the women they loved. The women who gave them children.

A friend told me two things; one, that once I took this man to court, I would wonder why I had not done this sooner, and secondly, the greatest revenge I could have on those who hurt me was to live a happy life. I wrote this blog knowing these young women would and could some day heal from the abuse of Nathan Chasing Horse. How I knew they have the potential to heal someday was knowing Nathan was not the man he claimed he was. He had no respect for me nor the honesty I granted him, hoping he’d be brave enough to be honest. If anything, my ancestors taught me was that honesty is a virtue. Nathan could not and would never be honest with my step-niece.  This love Nathan had for her was made from violence, a force he imprinted on her innocence. This violence was forced on her and was not given freely nor enjoyed. I am so grateful for my friend and those friends I’ve made since then. I was healed enough to hear what her message meant. My hope is for all of Nathan’s victims that they heal. The greatest gift is to know you had the courage to report your SA and that the other gifts of life are here for you to celebrate, as young indigenous women you are where most of our female ancestors feared to tread.

As women, we are capable of so many great things once we’ve forgiven ourselves. It’s important not to forgive the person who SA you; however, it’s relevant to forgive all men who are not all predators. I no longer regret suppressing my memories, my emotions, nor do I seek out attention. It was an experience I lived, loved, and enjoyed sexual ecstasy. The sacrifice is knowing love once is all I need. I fought off my SA against two very violent married men. I repressed, and suppressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. My memories of any sexual partners virtually disappeared from years of suppressing sexual activity except for that the one love. He saves my life. Recovering memories of him guides me spiritually. A memory that surfaced during the isolation experienced during the worldwide pandemic.  Being honest about my experience with violence at a young age, many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered, I know I could have been a statistic too. My forgotten indigenous sisters were buried under a regime of systematic racism. 

publish 10/07/202 edited on August 11, 2023

Years ago ago I fell in love. It’s wasn’t easy to understand as sometime we think we are in love when we are really in avoiding pain; however, when I disclose this to others there’s no regret. Why? Cause I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves. Year, I didn’t know emotional pain accompanies pleasure. I’m totally grateful for this love of my life. Why? Why you may ask. Cause as lonely as I do get I have my memories of pleasure. 

As women’s rights were then, next to nil I was so young I really didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being a woman. What it meant? Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I’d see women coming to community functions with black eyes & I also my late mom & aunties in similar situations. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away Naïvely thinking I had all the answers. 

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes call Indian residential schools. And, eventually listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me. The total impact it had on their relationships AS WELL AS MINE. My late mom did realize this later in her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. 

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night are raped or were raped. They stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them is normal, cause they knew or had no experience about intimacy. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages I saw.

How can this be so, when children are born & their vows said before their God in a church of all places? As more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand her bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. Or, so we hope they support each other in sisterhood. 

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or your from 15-24 years old our human brains are not totally developed. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human being throughout our lives. It’s also. A foundation for every relationship we start & finish. 

Sometimes when there’s a traumatic event or events happening like war or rape or some violent act. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a heathly realionship with a healthy male friend. A man who became an intimate friend. 

If it we’re not for falling in love I believe & know that my preception of what’s normal would would been distorted after being brutality raped. I responded normally after being raped by suppressing my memories of this horrific event.  However, these indigenous men who raped me were serial rapists & Id been their 17th victim & their youngest victim. 

As lateral violence is the new catch phrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. I don’t blame any indigenous girls or indigenous women for bullying or being cruel towards rape victims. I’ve learned to see the bigger picture that there were many indigenous women who were abused & kept it secret. Mostly to protect themselves for their own abusers, their abusive husbands or absive boyfriends. Just Rto image that these women thought I’d think that rape is apart of their life. It’s part of their marriage that for them is normalized or normalized from decades of sexual abuse. 

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in such relationships. Much of this fear until recently was due to memories surpassed. It breaks my heart to realized that I suppressed the memories of the love of my life. Yet, it because of this love that I had fought my rapists. It’s because of this love I knew what violence was forced one wasn’t freely given nor enjoyed. If I hadn’t know love I’m convinced I probably would have thought what these rapist tried to instill in me that this was love. 

Memory of any sexual partners after being raped have virtually disappeared once I acknowledged I was loved once. It’s still amazing to me how fior. decades I repressed, surpressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. I had remained sexually active six years after being raped with all orgasms surpressed. 

The reason I’m being so honest about my experience with violence is that a young age many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered. I know I could have been a statistic too. I forgotten sister buried under a regime systematic racism. I know I’m healed. I know I loved. I know I survived. 

The love of my life saved my life. Once I recovered my memories I surpressed I realized  what he had given me. For years indigenous women would say to me to forgive my rapists. I told these women that what these men  did was an unforgivable act of violence. I started creating healthy boundaries by not entering into ceremonies where I knew rapists were or were ceremonies being held by other rapists. I found I didn’t  need to tell people why I wouldn’t participate & then I realized as I saw other women also refusing without saying why. I realized I wasn’t alone.