Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I fell hard. And fast.

Overwhelmed by his attention and adoration, I jumped in headfirst without blinking, believing him after only weeks of dating when he declared his never-ending love and that I was his soul mate, that I had brought meaning into his meaningless existence.
I was everything he had ever wanted, ever dreamed for, ever hoped for, he said, and proved it daily by drowning me in love and passion. He couldn’t keep his hands off me, we made love often, sometimes up to five or six times a day. Not an hour went by that I didn’t hear from him. He wrote me notes, he wrote me poetry, he recited poems in public, he told everyone I would be his wife, that I was the mother of his unborn children.
I didn’t have time to think, to reflect, to question. There was nothing I could do but free fall into his love and ride it like a roller coaster with my eyes squeezed shut—it was scary as hell, but I didn’t want to get off.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Love Bombing

A manipulation tactic involving lavish demonstrations and constant bombardments of attention and affection in an attempt to gain control by moving the relationship forward quickly.
Everything he did was perfect. Everything he said was perfect. It was as if he had some secret insight into my soul and what I wanted in a relationship, as if I had handed him a list of the top 20 qualities I longed for in a man and within the year had checked off every last one. He said it was because we knew one another in a previous life and we were destined by the Universe to find one another. He had searched for me for so long and then I appeared just at the right time.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Grooming

A calculated and predatory act of maneuvering a person into a more dependent and isolated position by claiming a “special connection” where they are more vulnerable to accepting future abusive behavior.
I gave him everything, without question, without reservation: my kindness, my loyalty, my love, my forgiveness (over and over again).

~

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~

But that was then, before I knew I was an…

Empath

A highly sensitive and empathetic person who feels and often takes on the emotions of others often at the expense of their own emotional well-being.
I was full of forgiveness and understanding. I had to be. Otherwise, I would have been forced to listen to those quieter voices in my head suggesting something wasn’t right, things didn’t add up. I would have had to open my eyes and see the small cracks in the shiny mirror of love that had started to form.
But it was easy to ignore my inner voices when he seemed so full of remorse anytime another side of him was exposed—or rather a side that I had found out about. All his bad behavior was in the past, he promised, over and over again. He hated the man he used to be, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He was just misunderstood, he said. Deep down he really was a good person who wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose. Especially me.
But that was then, before I knew I had entered the world of a…

Pathological Liar

A person who habitually and compulsively lies in order to suit their own needs.
Over the years, even if I did stumble upon something new about him that made me question the relationship, he swooped in so fast and drowned me in so much love that I couldn’t help but become dizzy in his grasp, even question my own intentions to assume such terrible things about him. How could I think he would do that (whatever “that” happened to be each time)? Then I would feel guilty for even asking him about it. I loved him, after all, and I was his soul mate, as he claimed. He was a changed man and it was all because of me.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Hoovering

Named after the Hoover vacuum, it is a tactic used to “suck back in” the victim by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior.
We became the couple who had it all. He showed me off like a new car. People wanted to know our love story and I became an expert at telling it. I left out the smaller pieces, of course, the unpredictable moments here and there that appeared and disappeared so quickly that it was easier just to push them out of my mind—like the names of women that seemed to pop up here and there, everywhere, and then nowhere.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Normalizing

A tactic used to desensitize a person to inappropriate or abusive behaviors; manipulating a person to agree or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms, or their own basic code of behavior.
I had never met anyone more charismatic or charming. The first few years I was the sole receiver of his gifts, which made it easier to let that inquisitive side of me, the one interested in the truth, fall away. So by the time he began sharing his charm with others, saving less and less for me unless I had something he needed (such as approval or sex), I had already subconsciously resigned myself to being a part of the audience in his one-man show.
Going out with him in social situations became a spectacle. I was in awe of how he transfixed a room, captured every ounce of energy there was to be had. Everyone liked him, or so I thought. All of his charm was now being directed to any other woman in his immediate presence, no matter their age, no matter if they were married or single. Nothing mattered to him outside of making them laugh or smile through his own efforts.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Supply

A narcissist’s insatiable need to gain the attention and adoration of others for the purpose of building them up and confirming their false sense of superiority and entitlement.
I soon became exhausted, focusing solely on getting through each day. I blamed everything on myself. Then I blamed it on having kids. He disagreed. The kids weren’t the reason I was such a mess, he said. It was because of me—I couldn’t handle my own children. He compared me with every other mother in America. They could all do it, why couldn’t I?
At the time I didn’t think I was asking for all that much: on some Sundays I had asked to go grocery shopping by myself, and once I asked if he could watch my infant and toddler while I went to get my teeth cleaned. Figure it out, he said, like every other mother does. So I imagined a scenario where I would hold my baby, nurse him if needed, while my right foot hung off the dentist’s chair and rocked my toddler. This never happened, though, which proved my inadequacy as a mother, since I didn’t go to the dentist until my kids were in daycare, two years later.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Ambient Abuse

The stealthy, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late; the fostering and enhancement of an atmosphere of intimidation, fear, and instability; often viewed as the most dangerous type of abuse.
The last few years there were days I wouldn’t leave my house, the dark pockets under my eyes from all the crying and shouting and begging, making it appear as though he had hit me. But he never hit me. On several occasions he placed his hands around my neck, professing his love while squeezing, whispering how he could kill me he loved me so much. But he always let go just as I got dizzy or needed a breath, and then broke down and cried and promised he would never hurt me. I learned to remain stoic during this ritual and listened patiently while he reminded me how lucky I was to have a man who loved me so much, who put up with me. Since I had no faith in my own emotional state, I had no choice but to believe him. I told myself I was lucky to have him, especially considering how crazy I had begun to feel, losing all logic, questioning myself at every turn, staring into the mirror day after day and not recognizing the woman who stared back.
But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Gaslighting

A form of mental abuse that includes brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that their understanding of reality is false, making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity; the term is from the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” in which the villain used this technique.
As time went on I became more isolated, though he still “allowed” me to have dinner with friends once in a while, or to visit my mom, or to go to my high school reunion. Wherever I went, though, his questions became more persistent, insistent once I came home.
Who did I see? Did I get in touch with any old boyfriends? What did I talk about? Did I talk about him? What did I say? Why was I lying? Did I find that man in the restaurant attractive? Did I cheat on him? Did I think about cheating? Why wouldn’t I just tell the truth?

But that was then, before I knew anything about…

Projection

A psychological defense mechanism where a person “projects” their own undesirable thoughts, feelings, or actions onto someone else in order to seek acquittal from their own conscience; example: accusing the victim of cheating when the accuser is actually the one cheating.
Days, months, years passed and more and more he began walking around me, ignoring me, even at the dinner table when he ate the food I had prepared and I sat at the other end using every muscle trying not to cry. I cried while doing the dishes, standing out on the porch in the middle of winter, sitting in the bath, lying in bed. His presence was felt only in the small breeze that walking by me caused, as if I weren’t a human being but instead a piece of furniture that got in his way.
But that was then, before I knew anything about the…

Silent Treatment

A preferred weapon of Narcissists; a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval, and contempt exhibited through nonverbal gestures, such as glaring, while maintaining verbal silence.
The last two years I put myself to sleep to avoid all feeling. That way, even when I knew he was lying or when I found out about something he had done, it somehow made it easier. And I was wholly unaware that other stronger forces were at work, and had been at work, to keep me numb and silent and weakened:

Dosing {small and temporary revivals of the love bombing phase}

Denial {denying one’s actions even in the face of physical proof}

Bait & Switch {luring the victim in with kindness and affection and once they are “hooked” the abuser switches to being demanding, inattentive, and cruel}

Because of the tender physical state I also existed within, plagued by daily stomachaches, nausea, and panic attacks, I also possessed nowhere near the amount of strength or energy required to face any sudden additional traumas, such as when I discovered he had been hiding money, or lying about me to our friends, or his infidelities. In this self-induced emotional coma, daily life took on a dream quality, which softened the edges and allowed me to take shelter while outside what felt like a tornado threatened to destroy everything I knew. I hid, I cowered, I retreated, and I gave up all hope on anything ever being good again.
But that was then, before I found myself in the office of a psychologist who was an expert on…

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A personality disorder in which the individual has a distorted self-image, unstable and intense emotions, is overly preoccupied with vanity, prestige, power and personal adequacy, lacks empathy, and has an exaggerated sense of superiority. NPD is closely associated with egocentrism—a personality characteristic in which people see themselves and their interests and opinions as the only ones that really matter.
And my life would never be the same.
I was a victim of emotional abuse. But my story doesn’t end there. In fact, that is where it begins.
Through empowerment, education, and enlightenment I have not only survived but thrived in my new life of freedom and peace. I was a victim, but I am no longer a victim. This, however, was only due to the journey I committed myself to take in understanding what exactly I experienced in my relationship with a Narcissist, which included understanding the language surrounding it. With this knowledge, I was then able to forgive myself, recognize I was not the one with the problem, and take responsibility for my own growth and emotional development upon escaping the situation.
Above all, however, my healing has come only because I granted myself the love and the time needed to heal. Unlike all those years ago, now when I look in the mirror I immediately recognize the woman looking back. And she is awake, and she is brave, and she is loving and strong and compassionate.
The one thing she is not, though, is crazy. And as I finally learned, she never was.
If you believe you might be a victim of Narcissistic Abuse, my hope is that through your own education and enlightenment you will then gain the tools and find the support necessary to help you escape your suffering and find the peace that you so deserve.
Because when you know better, you will do better. I promise.
~
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In honor of this I hope to shed light on the more insidious form of emotional abuse that, while not physically visible, causes as much damage and trauma while leaving what can be lifelong scars on the hearts and souls of its victims.
Before learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I spent a decade in shame and silence, taking the blame, hating myself, hiding away and gradually slipping into a numbed emotional state to survive the daily punishments from a man who took great pleasure in inflicting them.
Narcissistic Abuse is a dark and confusing tunnel where victims might spend years not realizing what is happening, unaware that their abuser has maliciously and intentionally created a world to isolate, demoralize, and dehumanize their victims to better feed and supply their disorder. It is my hope that by giving definitions to the language surrounding NPD that those currently suffering will see their own story reflected in mine, gain the knowledge necessary to better assess their situation, and then take the first steps needed for escape and eventually healing.
Because as Maya Angelou once said: When you know better, you do better.https://eur03.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F2015%2F10%2Funderstanding-the-language-of-narcissistic-abuse%2F&data=02%7C01%7Cmarina_tsuutina%40hotmail.com%7Cbec765a05935484e50af08d51a395da7%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C636443756036785366&sdata=CYfdmYWx0jFeoJMQrYfq97P%2FSL7%2BSg7KLtFdgHgru1c%3D&reserved=0https://eur03.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F2015%2F10%2Funderstanding-the-language-of-narcissistic-abuse%2F&data=02%7C01%7Cmarina_tsuutina%40hotmail.com%7Cbec765a05935484e50af08d51a395da7%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C636443756036785366&sdata=CYfdmYWx0jFeoJMQrYfq97P%2FSL7%2BSg7KLtFdgHgru1c%3D&reserved=0

With the start of a new week October 23, 2017

Get involved with Child Welfare issues by trying to get our indigenous children back home. With all this self-government propaganda about truth and reconciliation, I wonder. I was surfing via Facebook and came across a LIVE feed. It was a call to action. I was interesting in coming back and reviewing it one more time and it vanished.

Really? With so much talk about reconciling our difference, I don't see any effort to get our children back from being stolen again. It's far too easy to blame indigenous women. I get it. For hundreds of years, it's let starve out the savages by first killing off their women so they don't breed. Then, once their children are born they try to find another strategy kill off the savage, so they round up the children.

My late uncle would say that the 'white man' created this problem so let him solve it. Well, as he or she is trying to solve the problem, they got politician, the law givers plotting against it. Really! Think about it. 150,000 children in the system today here in Canada. There has to be some void in space that is gasping for air. I believe this void is located in the hearts and minds of the indigenous women who are trying desperately trying to get their children back home.

It's one thing, to have a truth and reconciliation, attempted to ease the hearts and minds of our indigenous women; however, our children are still not home. There is a call out there for action. My late father would say that actions speak louder than words. Well, it apparent that when one social activist tries to voice their opinion they are shut down or pushed off into cyberspace. ,

As for me, I could get upset and all that; however, that's not going to change anything or anyone's opinion. I am in a constant state of flux. Well, just recently, I've thought about a lot of things I've written here within these very pages in cyberspace not realizing the advice I've given isn't as easy as I thought. Really, if I am spouting off on social injustice and advocating for social change then should I also be looking within myself. Looking into my own behavior, for how else is one going to change if we can not find the courage within ourselves to admit we were wrong.

Healthy boundaries isn't just a saying, it's an action. It's an action that doesn't depend on whether someone else approves of our own decisions. We, ourselves, must have the capacity to move forward with the decision we make about other people. We can not live in a state of constant fear. Or in a state of wanting approval or a need to find a purpose. It's easier to ask someone if they need something done for them than to state what it is that you want. In my case, being the oldest girl, I was in a constant need of caring for others. And, I think to this day people still try to take advantage of me.

This being said, there are some things in life that we are totally not prepared to handle. I mean, it eventually will be manageable; however, at the time of stress or relapse everything will seem to implode. The think is to be aware of what is happening to your emotions. Evaluate what people said or have said and decide if you can trust someone.

It may seem easy to read or to write such a strategy; however, it's another to think of the consequences. Here's a simple example, a few years ago I befriend a female indigenous female friend on Facebook. She appears to be so grounded and so spiritual that they seemed like there was nothing the matter with her personality. Mind you, I don't go around analyzing people's mental state as I'm not qualified; however, I do seek out like minded people in hopes of getting some form of validation to what it is I am doing or planning.

We are all human beings after all and we are all social creatures of habit. Well, apparently, there's also a state of mind that we get into, at least some of us common average everyday folk do. We tend to remember a story, or a trauma someone told us about themselves, or we tend to recovery memory from a certain smell as well. Sometimes, as the years go by we tend forget faces and sometimes people. Well, this indigenous woman, I had totally forgotten I met her decades ago. Really, I'll never admit to her that I forgot who she was back so many decades ago, because has admitted to remembering me either.

So, this being the case, we've talked. She's admitted that we both isolated ourselves away from our home communities. She lives in a northern city and I live on the outskirts of a southern city. We have quite a few difference and we both are feminists. She's a know it all of whose who in indigenous politics and for me, I lived in the USA and was totally detached from anything or everything that was going on here in Alberta, or for Canada in that manner. I mean, really Facebook and other social media norms didn't exist.

Okay, getting back to this problem with memory, it isn't really a problem. Some of us, have selective memory. So, when we started talking about my blog and other issues with regards to human trafficking and personality disorders, we hit it off. We started talking and low and behold I realized we knew that same people decades ago. So, last month, out of the blue I mentioned all the individuals I had met since moving back to Canada. I told her that some of these men just didn't want to talk to me as if I were some sort of social leper.  I mentioned names to her and she said gave me the low down of information pertaining to each one. She then said she could link me up with one of old acquaintances. As I had told her I had asked numerous people about certain individuals and nobody seemed to know anything about these people.

I really appreciated what she was doing for me as I really wanted to know how their lives were as when we all met we were all just so young. Well, this where the morale of this lesson is going. I've trusted or tried to trust people about boundaries. I know throughout my blog I've mentioned over and over again about boundaries; however, I also wonder why people were not taking my advice. Especially when it come to a criminal or a deviant who is hurting young girls. Well, it just very simple. Oh so I thought. It isn't that simple. I should know. I've had one reader of this blog actual track me down.

She came to visit one of the girls I've written about, her mom, she came to visit. It wasn't just a visit to visit it was also a visit to check me out. She was told by this plastic medicine man and I was a cougar. So, she texted me weeks after spotting in a crowd in my community function and said she was wrong. I told her if she thought I was chasing this young man then why didn't talk to my family. Well, like I said this whole issue of trust is so damn critical.

I just assumed that because I've warned girls and women about this plastic medicine man that others also cared about others. What I mean is that this acquaintance who put in touch with the fellow I had talked to in decades wasn't up front with me, or maybe I should say I wasn't prepared to look at my relationship with two former acquaintance. Yes, time does pass and we all do grow older.

It's just that for some of us, we get stuck in a rut. It's an emotional rut. Yes, I said it. I found myself I a rut. Here is was calling me. I told her what I thought about renewing old acquaintances with this man. I told her I didn't think it was possible then she says to me "she a predator!"

Your see when I write a blog about a predator. I know my subject matter. As I've researched this predator (plastic medicine man) and through many emails and police reports, he's definitely someone the police are interested in; however, when she started to describe this fellow she linked me to as a predator. I wondered what slippery slope am I getting involved with here.

Here was the dilemma. Just as I knew the record of the plastic medicine man, she seemed to know this acquaintance of ours; however, she was only using her past contact with him as her source. When she thought I had totally blocked him from my feeds she felt she could now disclose that he was a predator. Yet, for me, because of the nature of the work I do. I wondered what is happening here. She doesn't know him like how I thought she knew him. I knew she went to an Indian Residential School and I knew she was well accomplished yet there was something missing. Let was as soon as I express my concerns about this acquaintance she sounded relieved. I felt like I had just been excepted into the "Old Girls Club."

You see, apart of establishing healthy boundaries, is to put down boundaries whether it hurts another persons feelings knowing that one isn't taking their advice or opinion of another human being. I've felt that in writing my blog, I've been asked to do certain things, I will not. I just write about proven facts or statements that are bring processed in the courts system. Whether people wish to think evil of me for talking about this plastic medicine man, I know that there are women out there who just do not have healthy boundaries. It's these women that I hope are not going on some "witch hunt" for this plastic medicine man as this isn't nor was ever the intend to my blog. I've only tried to warn my readers about his deviant behavior.

  it really took me back that intergenerational trauma or lateral violence towards an innocent guy was being dealt this hand by me and her. I knew that if I reconnected with him she wouldn't like it; however, I did and have. The boundary issue wasn't with him, the old acquaintance rather the boundary issue was with the outstanding indigenous woman who linked us up in the first place. I didn't realize despite her collaborating that she does have intimate male friends. This whole interaction with these two individuals really revealed a lot about myself. I knew I have a very intimate friendship with a male friend. We have boundaries and he's married.

His wife has no need to distrust me or him. In fact, his children with her are also friends of mine. I have never met her and that's fine. Just knowing we are friends is all that matters. I know this is a very unique situation and that not all indigenous women or women in that matter have a non-sexual intimate male friend. I do! This made all the difference in the world when reconnected with this old acquaintance. I know who he is and there's not competition or strutting around as who is the better human being. I am just so sorry that I didn't realize it was my issue and not his. Lesson learned and onward I move.

As for my female indigenous friend, I truly believe there is an opportunity for indigenous women to have a healthy sexuality. I've just met so many accomplished indigenous women who are not happy. It's important to have this male energy in our lives. We don't need to be afraid of it.

Plastic Medicine People title

That's what the title of my blog is and for the longest time, I wonder if this was an appropriate title. As I've done my research on the matter of how society in general treats indigenous girls and indigenous women, I've also realized to that the side effects are seen within our indigenous men. I had four brothers. Each with their having their own set of fault like we all do; however, each coped with them differently.

About a week ago, I was talking with an indigenous lady who works in the hospitality industry. We got into a discuss about attitudes indigenous men have over us indigenous women. As you see for decades it was fine for an indigenous man to marry a non-indigenous woman whilst his sister was discriminated against if she were to marry a non-indigenous man. Yes! This was the plan of the formal document called the "Indian Act." It gave way to so many negative attitudes towards indigenous women that we as indigenous women are writing about its effects on us. I mean literally writing a thesis. 

I'm digesting somewhat cause this is old news for some and yet for some of my readers the silencing or the attempts to "tame" our indigenous female sexuality as gone on with a culture of silence towards sexual assaults. In recent days I've read some very humbling comments from young indigenous men who apology for not saying anything knowing that someone was being silenced. We see it all the time and I think for some indigenous men who work with indigenous single moms. They get tired of their stories of abuse and barriers.

I sometimes think that the more and more women talk about their lives that harder it is for our indigenous men to cope. Sometimes I get the feeling that they just want to burying everything. Yet, as I've mentioned, it's we as indigenous women who reveal our personality disorders more. I believe its because as indigenous women who are moms, its a way of surviving. It's not to say that its a bad thing, it just means that for some indigenous women rather than talking they continue to remain silent.

As for the men, I find that they find themselves feeling guilty for not supporting their sisters. Or, that the support they give their sisters is all that they can do because their wives have greater emotional problems. So, what does this mean for the indigenous man. Well, from what my friend told me. She see indigenous men whom she's known throughout her life change. She said that they come to her hotel in fancy cars with their non-indigenous woman as if she's a prize to behold. All the while she is smiling he has an indigenous woman on the side as his mistress.

Another female friend says to me that through her years working along side indigenous men she's seen them become successful yet very lonely men. She says that they are missing something. She believes its a childhood trauma that has gone on unresolved. And, rightfully so, as indigenous women we can not afford to hide our trauma because our children are depending on us to get it right. In fact, our whole society is depending on us to get it right. Then, why are we losing so many of our sisters to family violence or just violence in a time of peace is an unanswered question.

I will be interviewing three indigenous women who all have a place within my home community. They have a direct connection to the very heart and soul of our community. I hope that within these interviews you will get a sense of purpose that each one of these ladies has. I am very fortunate to know the matriarch of their family and will start of with her explaining the "woman's tall feather hat."

From this I will establish a YouTube link to my account where I will post these interview along with a "woman's song." I feel that its important to focus on the positive things we as indigenous women do for our communities. For too long our indigenous men, not all have played the "plastic medicine man" role. This trend needs to stop by first identifying what the abuse is that these men are practicing.

It's difficult because as human beings we tend to walk into danger rather than listen to our own minds with thoughts telling us there is danger.
 

Child Brides

From GIRLSNOTBRIDES.ORG

"20,000 girls are forced into marriage everyday. It's a common practice around the world; however, non-profit organizations are trying to educate people in third world countries about this form of child abuse.

Get this 1/3 of girls in developing countries are married before they are 18 years old. These children:

1. forced to drop out of school
2. experience domestic violence

West and Central Africa have the highest rate of child marriage:

1. 1.7 million child brides per year

It's a severe violation of human rights. It's one of the worst forms of child abuse.

Its due to these factors:

1. poverty
2. illiteracy
3. social norms
4. traditional norms

The health Factors:

1. Pregnancy is one of the leading causes of death for girls ages 15 to 19.

This practice is common in the United States

• 27 States have no minimum age for marriage
• girls as young as 12 can be brides often to men who are decades older than they are

Nepal banned such practice 50 years ago but 30% of underage girls continue to get married illegally.

Indiah this practice still continues in rural communities despite it being made illegal in 2006.

Ending child marriage is very important because one are girls maximize their full potential and contribute towards national development or towards sustainable development goals."

Historically, there are factors that come into play with the deep psychological abuse that indigenous women endeared in these Indian Residential Schools. At the beginning, I thought I would request a list of students who attended St. Dunstan's Industrial School in Calgary. I contacted (National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation) nactr@umanitoba.ca. They emailed me back saying that Industrial Schools did not fall under Indian Residential Schools; however, there were documents based on another person's research paper that stated these Industrial School were basically setup of indigenous boys.

Basically, the Canadian government created the Indian Act to justify killing off the indigenous peoples of Canada. Indigenous women are writing about this Indian Act and its effort to "Tame Indigenous women's sexuality"

Canada and USA

There are two men that are totally different in the sense of how they perceive indigenous women. The differences are that one is Canadian and the other is a United States citizen. So, what is so different with these two men that can change the way our societies treat indigenous women like myself. Well, here goes. A few days ago a woman asked me to focus on this difference. As it show the significance  in how indigenous men create their women, like sisters, aunts, mothers and grandmothers.

In Canada, we've had the Indian Act that was created to establish Indian Residential Schools. As much as politicians say it this very Act that we use to keep the Canadian Government accountable and yet look at the United States. They didn't have an Act to call on their government to systematically kill them off. We, in Canada, had a strong paper that was pull through as a form of legislation. It's probably that whole English attitude of giving that stiff upper lip and cheery oh type of mentality. It's like a protocol. We have this paper that is a form a law that all indigenous people are going to be affected by its ideology.


In the United States they didn't need a strong paper to tell them to kill off the American Indian. they just did; whereas, in Canada we all are so damn prim and proper like Indian Act. And, this is the difference.

When I met a highly educated indigenous man in the United States, he was a full professor. When we met he told me he was consolidating ten of his companies into one, to make things manageable for himself. He'd earned a masters in Engineering and a Masters in Business and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Oh yes, he had served in the United State Military before attending University. He had worked within Indigenous Organizations his entire life; however, he never used his indigenous status to acquire any of his wealth. He was a very humble man. He had political connections and helped me get my green card. It was horrible time. I was just fortunate that I could ask him for his help.

He had told me that he was proud to be an indigenous person. He had his status card; however, he said he never used it to get grants or loans. He said he know that there were other indigenous peoples who needed more than him. He wanted me to know that he didn't know what it was like for me being an indigenous woman growing up in a third world community. In the States they call them reservations and here in Canada we call our homes, reserves or First Nations Communities.

Okay, now here the other side of coin. This other guy got his education here in Canada. He joined the RCMP rather than the military like Tom. This other guy after awhile went into law school to become a lawyer. He worked in Ottawa. Both of these men are intelligent. Lets just say they are more intelligent than me; however, there is a difference.

Emotional Intelligence is the difference. One took care of himself both physical and mentally. I mean one would have to live in such a way that you earn a Ph.D. in clinical Psychology. It's a difficult facility to get into little alone graduate with honors. The other fellow, well did the opposite. So why bring up these two very different men into my discussion about attitudes towards indigenous women. Well, here the point. In order for any man willing to use his education or his status to help murdered and missing indigenous women, he must first be able to relate to us.

He must first have genuine pride in being indigenous himself. I've never met any educated indigenous man in Canada whose never lived on a Reserve or First Nations say that he doesn't or can not relate to me. Tom told me. He told me that he couldn't comprehend what it was like for me to live on a Reserve; whereas, this other indigenous man who has never lived within a First Nations community could not even give me any form of genuine pride of being indigenous.

He could not admit he didn't know what it was like for me to grow up within my community and within my culture. He would rather just not even be associated with Canada. He gave up his citizenship. I really can not comprehend what was so difficult for him to admit. He got himself an education and he worked for the Canadian government. I men Tom worked with Ronald Reagan and even baby sat for him. Yet, there is something the matter with our indigenous men in Canada. Our educated indigenous men. I wear my skin everywhere I go in this city.

I see relative drinking their lives away. I am there. I eat breathe and sleep within my First Nations Community. I know what its like to grow up here. From my research, I am seeing how the Canadian government has deliberately put obstacles in our way as indigenous girls and indigenous women.

My mistake with this man from Canada was to think he had it in him to help us indigenous women; however, in order for him to be able to do such a thing. He himself must be able to show compassion and genuine pride in being indigenous. My friend Tom, he's the most humble man I've met and I know there are many out there who've added indirectly to the general public about what it is to be indigenous. In a positive affirmative way in helping us all move forward.

This Indian Act not only is a law and continues to be a law that spread a negative or perpetuates a negative stereotype about indigenous women. It's people a paper to use as a racist tool. It justifies an attitude that it okay to behave a certain way to us indigenous women. Whereas, in the United States, like I said they didn't have a paper. They just killed for the sake of killing and used their amendments rights to kill Indigenous people. We in Canada are not different. In fact, I think we are more barbaric in how we treat our women than they are in the United States.

I just wanted to put this out there. There are reasons why there are so many murdered and missing indigenous girls and women. There are reasons why the inquiry isn't going as quickly as it could and there are reasons why we keep putting people in these positions that are incapable of helping.

We must wake up and ask ourselves some very serious questions about mental health. As I've said before this whole process of staying mentally well just isn't taking up a therapist when things start getting difficult. It's a lifetime process that we try to teach our children. This is process in self-love, self-fullness and self-awareness. Forty years ago we didn't have the academic we have today. So, lets start using their wisdom. Don't go for those who really don't give a damn and are all hype. As my late father in his own dysfunctional way would say and so would my dysfunctional uncles say; "Actions speak louder than words'

"Speak to me softy tell me know lie, if you don't know what it's like, to live in a First Nations Community, tell me know lies, I am an indigenous woman, my time fly's."

Is it so difficult to admit that you don't know? As my late sister-in-law Julie would say: 'Get off the cross! We need the wood!"

(laughing out loud!!)

There is a difference in how people from different upbringings see things.

I was talking with a few friends yesterday. I was talking about the different views men had about murdered and missing indigenous women. I mean even non-indigenous women have their own theories that has nothing to do with violence rather the reason indigenous girls and indigenous women are going missing is because aliens have abducted them.

Oh yes, it's bad enough to find out the our royal Canadian Indian Act was a parliamentary act passed to destroy my way of life or our way of life. Imagine, how typically British for a strong paper to be made to be put in ink no doubt about why its important to establish Indian Residential Schools.

Its bad enough that before Indian Residential Schools started showing up there were what the Canadian governments called Indian Industrial Schools. These first school were established to trained indigenous boys to be good little Indians; however, some bureaucrats got this idea in their heads that is they trained these boys and that these boys were sent back to the homes. Where they would met and marry indigenous girls that these savage girls would convert all their hard work. Meaning these boys would become savages again.

Yes, this whole concept of lets destroy the imagine of these indigenous females and lets try to say they savage girls need to have their sexuality tamed. It was difficult enough that starvation wasn't good enough. The government couldn't understand why indigenous girls and indigenous women were being sold. Some were being sold for a dirty blanket or for the play thing for a dirty of chief. They couldn't understand why indigenous women were selling themselves to settlers. They just thought these women were untamed and savage like.

It really just makes my stomach ach to think that these so called bureaucrats couldn't deduce the reasoning was that logically if they killed off all the buffalo and killed off all the food supply children were starving. This whole effort to portray indigenous women as not being capable of being virtuous and, or have piety. Was an effort to destroy and tame indigenous female sexuality. I mean I could go on and on; however, its this whole mass media thing about murdered and missing indigenous girls and indigenous women that has me going.

The reality is that we as indigenous women have survived. Our mothers, our grandmother and no doubt our daughters and granddaughter will survive. It's this sisterhood that keeps us going. I saw when I was growing up. I saw all my aunties along side my grandmothers working together. Much as how I see indigenous girls and indigenous women working together today. Each of us has stake in this issue of violence towards our gender.

What started out as a plea to my readers to be careful of sexual predators has evolved into a bigger plea. Much of what we as indigenous women have taken for granted and much that is exposed is our own image of self. I've seen my indigenous sisters thinking they are not good sisters or moms. They would sooner give up their daughters to someone else to raise. Now, why would some beautiful soul think so negative about themselves. I think it has to do with perceptions of our own gender. I've seen this with my own family and with other women. I am hoping to create a separate page just dedicated to the positive role of indigenous women within my own community.

October 11, 2017

After being away for about five days, much as changed. Do you, my readers ever think why its so important to look after ones' mental health? A lot of times we end up surprising ourselves as to just how much work we need to do on ourselves or we reflect to realize all this self-care work over these decades as worked out for the better.

I live and breathe on a First Nations Community. I was never one to go off flying visiting our countries, keeping in mind my peers thought I would, since both my parents and grandparents travelled around this world before I was eleven years old. So, what does mental health have to do with privilege or lack of privilege you might wonder, well here it goes.

As some may notice, I've written more this past month than previous years, and why it that. Well, a larger part as to do with my research into Indian Residential School or better yet Industrial School prior to the creation of Indian Residential School. Its amazing what one finds out about things I thought were a form of "helping the Indian Child" cause I was an Indian child at one time.

One can just take a look at what happening now in Canada and even part of the United States to see how indigenous girls and indigenous women are treated. And, here it comes. This past month, due to no part of my own, I've experienced much grief. I know some of you will end up at the end of this blog thinking about mental health and hopefully so. It started in February when my older brother died. He'd had a heart condition his entire life and when he died people just blamed his diabetes; however, yes with this illness came complication, its true. He was a strong man. He was a good brother in the sense he didn't wan me to isolate myself or be alone.

I miss him. Now, of course grieving is important. With his death, I thought I'll try to do my best and try to understand my grieving process. As it is most people are uncomfortable with talking about death. I say to strangers. I surrounded by death. They look at me like I am some sort of ghoul. Yet, the truth be told, I am around death a lot. Within this past month:

1. My late cousin Gwen's daughter died
2. My late cousin Gwen's grandbaby died still born.
3. My cousin Joanne's husband of 15 years dies after a battle with cancer.
4. My childhood friend's husband dies of cancer.
5. A 47 years old woman kills herself after grieving these past three years over two of her daughter's suicides.
6. A young man hangs himself in his mother-in-laws home with no funeral for him here.
7. An elderly woman had suffered from a stroke died.
8. My cousin's nephew dies from a heart attack at 27.

Some of the funerals I could attend due to finances and others I just could bare to see others grieve. This last one, its a heart stopper. I'll explain.

Throughout our lives we wonder if we've made the right decisions. Sometimes, we will never see the results of the decisions we've made and other time Creator blesses us. Maybe, Creator thinks we need a break or a little pick me up to move forward again. I don't know. I just know that I've lived long enough to see some of the results of some of my decisions.

last night I couldn't sleep. I've there for my cousin; however, the history I share with her and her family is even a deeper bond. When I visited her yesterday and saw the stress on her face and the grieve she was carrying, all I could do is be there with her. She's the type of indigenous woman whose been  in prison when she was much younger and throughout her life hasn't been off of drugs. It difficult for me to write this as it as everything to do with my youth. I could have been buried years ago if I had continued living her lifestyle or the lifestyles of her sisters. I helped bury all five of them.

As I've told my story, strangers ask if I was trying to be a nun or serve some religious manifesto. No, it was to be with my friends and family. As I've written about behavior addiction and substance addiction, I didn't in 1977, basic psychology wasn't a way of life for me. I just knew something was about to change in my life. The choice I made in October 1977 set in motion a series of even the following year that kept me alive all these years. It felt like everyone was walking around blindly even my parents, uncles, aunties and grandparents. I knew my grandparents were there for me in prayer and maybe that's what it was all about. My grandfathers and grandmothers saving my life.

I mentioned the number of people I've known directly or indirectly who have died this month. The reason I've done so it to allow you to think about these events and how you, wherever you come from and however you live your life, whether the grieve that's inside you is flowing or drowning you. Its easy to imagine sorrow drowning us if we allow it to take hold of us; however, every time I think about it I think of the grandfathers and the grandmothers. Their struggles and their prayers to keep us their descendants moving forward in these lives they've given us.  We all cope differently.

My friend, my relative, she copes every day of her life with taking a pill. A pill, as long as I've known her as an adult, she taken to help her with her pain. When she was younger, it was her emotional pain and now that she's older its her physical pain. Her nephew, whom we will all help bury within a few days was FASD and drank most of his adult life. He never had a place to call his own home. If he needed a place to crash it was at his aunt's place, my friend, my relative. I could never allow anyone who drank or took drugs into my home. I try protecting my home with un-hung prayer. Prayers that are said not to hurt others. An acquaintance mentioned that when I talk about my life story its seems or sounds easy for me to talk about my own personal pains, grieve, depression, behavior addictions. I say its cause I've tired to understand who I am and what is my purpose here.

Bill Philipps a Psychic Medium quotes: "Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having"-- UNKNOWN

I am a firm believer. Only because my Karma taught me that my behavior addiction was in chasing love, affection and/or attention. Much of my blog was never in seeking attention; however, it has taught me about myself. It's taught me about my mental health and why it is so important to teach our youth at a very young age. It's important they see how we as adults cope with the stressors to this world.

My Dakota male cousin who works with "child and family" serves told him indirectly that most of his female clients tend to create stories to get attention. I know he was directing towards me and my blog; however, for years at the beginning of my writing I didn't realize people were actually reading what I was writing. Mainly because they never left comments. It was the emails that I got and the site blogger showing me how many people read this blog daily that made me realize I was reaching an audience. However, my aunt the mother of my male cousin told me. Don't chase after your cousins to talk to them. They know you want to talk to them and if they are avoiding you leave them alone. You, prior to writing or prior to expressing myself, my learnt behavior was so entrenched I didn't see what it is I was doing. So, I listened.

Sometimes, I stumble and other times I see that pot hole and I drive around it to avoid the unneeded stressors. I truly believe we, survivors of childhood trauma, don't even realize how our own behavior leaves us to the mercy of predators. We believe that if we chase after their love they will throw us a bone and we'll be happy. No! don't do it. As my late mother would say: "Learn to love yourself first before you can learn to love another." It's taken me a lifetime, and I continue to make mistakes along the way and that's okay. I've survived worse things.

Mental health doesn't means I have a mental illness or that you have a mental illness. Mental health isn't having a mental illness and it's not having a problem at all. Mental health is how I address all my personal issues in my life. I deal with stress, lack of sleep, break-ups and other big things. Most say its a state of "well-being."  Its place where people can reach their full potential. Mental health is as important as physical health. It needs to start a young age and carry out through level of our lives much like training of a physical life, yoga. As a positive image verses not understanding the brain. There are brain games. What can be done to exercise our brains? Balanced mental health is to have balance. "|you get mental health, you get mental health and you get mental health..." (Oprah) As Ross Szabo says imagine if people took care of their mental health the way they do in buying a new car.

Bill Philipps: "Releasing what no longer serves you may seem difficult and painful at first because it has the potential to turn your world upside down. However, there is always a pus side... New space to let in what does serve you in the best way possible! Be  willing to let go and trust the process of life."

With every death our lives changes forever. There's a void left where there was none before. A few weeks ago, I predicted I would be grieving over a past acquaintances without knowing the reasoning for it. In the midst of my grief these past few weeks I've realized that this self-fulfilling prophesy of giving love, affection and attention was worth giving for me. The party that I gave my feelings to didn't understand that I wasn't chasing him, nor seeking his affection, or his attention: however, in writing this I needed to realize he couldn't' give of himself freely.You see I have a married male friend who can freely give me love, give me affection and give me attention without fear of losing himself. We respect each others boundaries. My hope is that we as indigenous people can heal from our childhood trauma and that we can be mental well for those who have and are losing so much.

In closing, I met a visit highly educated man years ago. He use to babysit for late Ronald Reagan. He was a an indigenous foster child who educated himself. He had served in the US government for Ronald Reagan and had ten companies and was servicing a professor at a University. He told me something that I have yet to find in any Indigenous man in Canada as educated as him. He told me:" I don't know what's it like to live in your community. I never will. I could never imagine it." He was a proud indigenous man who lived his entire life away from a First Nation Community or in the USA a reservation. He said he used his Indian Status card not to apply for grants or such only to let others know he was indigenous. I am so very grateful for having met and continue to me all types of people.

It's a sad state for our indigenous men in Canada. Imagine a government that praises and rewards that good little "indigenous boy" while cursing and destroying his sisters. As I've tired to find name of indigenous women that succeeded and believe me there are indigenous women out there. It's the government of Canada that doesn't acknowledge them. All we need to do today is just look at the NATIONAL INQUIRY FOR MISSING AND MURDERED INDIGENOUS GIRLS AND INDIGENOUS WOMEN  and you will find that this inquire isn't going anywhere. Why? I figure its that old boys clubs. Our indigenous men need to reconcile themselves from within their home communities before they can take it into the provinces and take it into the federal government.

There is much to grieve over; however, if you are able to stand strong with other indigenous women then do so. Our indigenous girls, our sisters, our moms and aunties and grandmothers are depending on us. This is why I write this blog. This is why I struggle to get the word out about why is it that we can no longer protect our own children. We must stay awake, our children are depending on us. If we do not get it straight we will lose everything.

 

 

October 5, 2017

Okay, as I am editing and rearranging my blog from blogger, I've realized that much of my Google plus is shared privately. This means that I will need to go into every post and edit the dynamics of this site. I transferred all my blogging stuff onto this site without realizing there was a editing issue.

so please bare with me as I am trying to understand this whole editing issue with content. I am hoping to add a different take on the theories around indigenous women as it pertains to our sexuality and gender roles as women.

I don't want this site to be to over saturated with boring stuff and historical stuff that makes people want to cry out of frustration. This is not my purpose. I will transferring much of my content to other blog sites and will provide a link to this origin site.

I am figuring the content of this site has evolved and , or needs to evolve. There are so many opportunities out there for young indigenous women, indigenous girls to get involved in, and I know that we as an indigenous community need to support them in a positive supportive way.

I just wanted to update you on what's going here. I'll be off for a couple of days, as I've got a oil painting that needs my attention. Within my community over this past month there were many deaths. I sometimes think, those who chose to stay away from their home fires are missing out. Yes, it is painful to lose a loved one, it's painful to lose a community member and it can be overwhelming; however, as I too am in the midst of my own grieving. I find solace with others. It gives me strength knowing that as each generation goes by, each one of us, must be prepare and willing to be there emotionally for each other in times of need.

This being said, I hope you all have a good week out there. And, remember, love yourself, be full of yourself or self-fullness, in the midst of selfishness as people are depending on us to be mentally well for ourselves and them.

wopida mitakuye oyasin

Why it is so important to not force anyone to do something they do not want to do.

A common example is Albert Einstein, who hated math. He hated it because he was forced to do it. Once his parents stopped forcing him and allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do he allowed himself to enjoy learning.

I am a firm believer in such thoughts. I feel better when I am not watched or have expectations placed on me to perform. So, I try to keep myself from interfering with another person's life. So, here goes my story.

A few weeks ago, just out of curiosity, I had a friend link me to another person. This person was friends with my friend and I didn't mind since at one point in my life I knew this individual. I was curious. My friend and I, we had known each other about the same time as this new found acquaintance of ours. So, she linked me up and he after much thought reconnected with me. I had linked up with many others over the years and thought what will it hurt to see how his life had turned out.

Well, before I continue, let me say that prior to texting him I had already formed an opinion of him. I really didn't want him to think that I was interfering in his life by any means. And, for lack of a better understanding I thought it wouldn't hurt me to fully disclose my life's story to him. After all he's off on the other side of the world and he's living his life the best that he can. So, you may ask what does this have to do with interfering with or manipulating someone into do something they don't want to do.

Well, it takes a bit of logic. I had already known from our mutual friend that he had lead quite a full life of success. He had left the country and from my understanding was sad and lonely; however, he was too suborn to admit it. He was too suborn to realize he isolated himself. So what does this have to do with me. Well, you see, I had nothing to lose. I could say what I wanted to say to him and quite frankly I did. As his life, from my point of view, just didn't seem connected. Well, I mean, you had to have known him when I first met him. But, enough said. Here's the thing.

I'd already known that many people had tried to convince him to move back to Canada. There is basically nothing here for him; however, my belief is and was, that if you are an educated indigenous person you need to pay back to your community. That's just me, much in how I use this blog site to give back to my community and my indigenous community as a whole. My life experience does mean something to someone out there. I know it's something I thought every indigenous person believes in and I can admit I was wrong. He got the best of me; however, in retrospect, I had nothing to lose.

I am just putting it out there as I know he reads my blog. This blog in particular is a part of my artist in residency project. I am revamping and rearranging the content of this blogger and copying items into other sites. Now, don't get me wrong. I did appear to his generosity. After all he did work for Justice Canada at one point in his life and I thought since this topic is about indigenous girls and indigenous women that he's have some input into the direction I could take this site.

The reality is like I've said I can not manipulate or coerce anyone into doing something they do not want to do. I explained to this acquaintance that boundaries are in place to keep whatever friendship, acquaintance status healthy between us. I had already know that I had no significant position in his life to lose and whatever I say to him could be construed as being obtrusive. Really, I nothing to lose, so why then I insist on boundaries you may ask. Well, it goes back to my being full of my self or selfulness. In other words, I had to trust that my decision to end our brief sessions of being acquainted with each other.

For me, it was a win, win situation. Firstly, he had no interest in me romantically; maybe, academically. Yet, from all my investigative probing, I realized whatever I did was already done. There were many indigenous people before me who tried to tempt him to return to Canada. Like I stated, just like in ceremony, we can not force a person to participate in an activity they don't want to attend or visit. It just goes against everything I learnt to establish for myself. As is the case in writing this blog. I can not force girls to report this plastic medicine man to the police, nor can I promise any of his victims I'll be in the court room with them. Everything in life must be done freely by the individuals choice.

So then, what does this act of free will have to do with this blog site. Well, everything in a way. As indigenous people we've basically taken on a struggle that existed before we were born. For indigenous women, its been being devalued as human beings. For our race, its been systematic targeted as savages. For indigenous women, being stereotyped as being unclean, salacious, unfit, promiscuous and just out and out undesirable. As I've researched for positive imagines about indigenous women within Canadian government archives, I've only read how indigenous women were used.

It's made me realize that I can not change history, nor can I change the nature of some of our indigenous men's hearts. As my female indigenous friend would say. "So many our men have become successful as a badge of Honor at what a good little Indian boy I've become, without every having to deal with their own childhood trauma." It is for some strange reason, we as indigenous women took it upon ourselves to heal from our own childhood trauma. As much as we lead the way, we as indigenous women can not force our indigenous brother to follow. Just as I can not change this indigenous brother of mine whom I took in as a friend years ago, I can not coerce.

I did put subtle hints about how difficult it is for a human being to change their behavior after a certain age. I mean, after all, if this indigenous man has never taken out or been with an indigenous woman, what makes him think he could try taking one out now. Logic would state that the indigenous woman would want to be with any man who finds her attractive sexually. I mean there's got to be that certain arousal point in any sort of beginning. My friend warned me about his stubbornness. She knows him better than me or for that matter every care to know him.

My ending any type of acquaintance process into a friendship process stopped. All I had to do was tell him he needed to move back to Canada. All I needed to do was tell him he didn't respect my boundaries. I wanted him to know that as an indigenous woman I didn't like being treated like an object. Something he'd objectified his entire life. I knew who he was and back so many years ago and I knew what he'd become was only what he had created for himself. I love being indigenous. I love our indigenous even if they are plastic medicine men. There is something to be said about being a phoenix rising from the ashes. My blog may warn others about predators; however, there is a beauty in how we as indigenous people thrive. I can not speak on this acquaintance nor his action to be so detached from his culture or his people. Like I've said its not for me to coerce him.

I don't pit him either, because he's living a pretty comfortable life. He doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself and isn't that selffullness is all about bein full of ones self? Yes, to some extent; however, there is a sense of freedom I have knowing I made the right decision to eliminate such a negative person in my life. Especially when I've chosen to live and breath indigenousness.

A large part of blogging via social media has nothing to do with manipulating my Audience

Here's what I try to do for myself and ours to understand. I try to be full of selfness or full of self. Little did I realize the decision I made when I was twenty five years old were going to be the basis of my life long philosophy. I can say this now that much of what I thought needed to happen within my life has happened. I am talking about material things like husband, children and home, rather I am talking about my ability to trust myself in knowing the decision I've made are the right decision for myself.

It may seems simple. Yet, we all go through life and at some point we question ourselves as to whether we've done the right thing or not. I mean, from this blog that started our about ten years ago until today, I am amazed. Wanka Tanka is an ancient being. The prayers I've said over these years were heard. My ancestors, I hope are proud of me. I didn't start this blog to create a "hate" group or have my readers think that they could rely on me to form some sort of  "Vigilante" group. And, no doubt over the years this plastic medicine man has threaten me indirectly. From various women threaten to sue me, to women actually coming to my community, yes. They've come to see with their own eyes this woman whom NCH claims is stocking him like some sort of infatuated, crazed beast rutting for sexual pleasure.

As much as it seems like a comedy, it has been for me. Throughout me life I've made my own mistakes and haven't we all. My mistakes were let say not to hurt people. As it appeared to only hurt myself in my own pursuit of my own happiness. This being said it's taken a great deal of personal sacrifice to be has healthy as I am. I wouldn't have had it any other way. And, in a sense this is what I wanted to share with you all. Especially indigenous women, cause I know your out there reading my blog and for those of you who've reached out to me over the years. I hope you are doing fine. And for those indigenous men who had the courage to reach out to me, thank you for being an indigenous warrior. Sadly, there are not too many men who sill stand by their daughters, sisters, wife, aunt or grandmothers. I say this cause in reality if there were then those girls who filed claims with the police would not have dropped the charges.

For one individual, the efforts you've made to get the word our of how dangerous this plastic medicine man is, I am truly humbled. I know it's not easy to look at your sister with disperse.  Thinking why does she want to kill herself. I know your family is a strong family and that they don't have this substance addiction to deal with rather they are dealing with the life of your sister. I hope she is doing fine. I know that she's been in and out of mental health facilities and that this angers you. You do have a right to be angry. I met your sister years ago. I just didn't think NCH would use her the way he did or never imagined the cruelness he had towards her and other indigenous girls and indigenous women; however, this attitude is historical.

I know you know this cause you are a very influential person and have used social media to get your point across that you want this plastic medicine man to know. He needs to know that there are men out there who will stand for his abusing our indigenous women anymore. Over the years, I've had some indigenous men contact me indirectly and some directly. I amazed me that they tried to also manipulate me into contacting the police on their behalf. So, to this young man whose stood up for his sister, I thank you. I just wanted my readers to know that you are out there. There are countless indigenous men out there who do not want this plastic medicine man to hurt anymore of our women. this type of abuse is historical.

What are the long term effects of childhood trauma on the human heart?

The reason I am writing about personality disorders is that within this realm of psychology there are many disorders. Over this past decade, I've wonder why this plastic medicine man has escaped
the police all these years. Why is it that people, especially those follow him are unaware or consciously choosing not see his behavioral addiction. In particular, his addictive behavior towards young indigenous females. What is it about him that is perceived has being normal in our Indigenous country? So, I think and believe that we as indigenous people must have some sort of addictive behavior that prevents us from separating ourselves from the obvious. His personality disorder for example is extreme. Because his disorder emotionally hurts his young female victims.

This being said, I am writing this post in my vain efforts to explain to you, my readers that we too have some sort of addictive behavior. It may not be as extreme; however, just like substance addiction, there are different degrees of abuse. I believe for most of us who suffer from some sort of childhood trauma, it about self-harm. And, again, let me caution you that there are extremes here as well. So, the following is an example of how an behavioral addiction can emotional harm ourselves if we suppress or not address our childhood trauma. Believe me, it comes back to bite you in the ass. As I've lived within my First Nations Community these past decades, I know a little about the grieving process. 

I also believe that over this past century, our people were not allowed to grieve. Taking away our ceremonies that were meant to help us grief and process our emotions left us craving a place to belong. In this sense of wanting to belong we've sometime given up too much of own freedom in order to survive. I am getting to the point of being able to think for oneself. Being able to not be manipulated by another is a choice. Although the following does talk about a behavioral addiction, I'd like to say that this behavior can be self-defeating; however, it can be illuminated. You can start to heal and you can start to learn how to think for yourself.

It may not seem clear to you at this moment in time; however, if I can heal and if I can help my readers relate to what I am discussing then I've helped one person, you. As much as when we are children we want our parents to give us direction and we want them to nurture us; however, when poverty and starvation is our parents main concern, we as their children get neglected. Throughout my life I thought I had lead a pretty violent life seeing my late mother being beaten, then seeing my older brother do the same thing to his first wife. I just saw too much violence towards married women. As the years came and went, I studied.

The scariest part of my life came when I was hired to look after suicidal teenage girls. I am eternally grateful for this experience as from this point on I started doing self-reflection on my own personal life. Throughout these years I've met some pretty remarkable men. Healthy men and some not so healthy me, who shared apart of their life stories with me.

My research into the effects of Indian Residential School had on the 'taming of the savage indigenous girls' was an interesting read. The efforts society made over these centuries, decades and years and months was the most revealing. We can not help but cringe at the thought of our own bodies being nothing more than an object. Something that can be thrown away in the trash. The documentation of sex trafficking happening to our sisters, mothers, grandmother and great grandmother is disturbing. The systematic efforts to starve our people to the point where our men would sell our women to feed their children.

This whole cult thing that NCH has going on here for himself is not new, rather its very old. The government did the same thing to our indigenous girls and women. Promising them a better way of life if they would only follow their teachings. And, their mothers thinking that they were sending their daughters into a better life because they were going to be learning how to be good women. Like I've said this propaganda has gone on for centuries, as its apart of the genocidal process of eliminating the voices of our indigenous girls and women.

I believe as we've moved into an age were our young people are being educated and are starting to become awake. We must realize that we must support them.  These young people are not stupid enough to follow this Plastic Medicine Man. Because they've met him and they are educated. They have strong parents who taught them how to think for themselves. Over this past year, I've been honored to see such brave young people gather at Standing Rock #NoDAPL. Imagine if you will that the entire free world and some not so free were watching. Here the spiritual leaders of the Great Sioux Nation gathered in prayer. Ask yourself, why wasn't this plastic medicine man not present and you've got your answer.

I've never really understood there was a difference between behavioral addiction and substance addiction. I thought that substance addiction was all in one. It never occurred to me that both are separate beasts. This is an important concept as it clarifies must about my own behavior and the behavior of so many indigenous children who've experienced childhood trauma. Much more so I am focusing on these addiction as they are relevant to obsession or the need to belong and the extent to what an individual will do to feel that they belong. My efforts in warning girls and their moms about behavioral addiction went unnoticed. So, here what I am going to do. I am going to put it into a story. I story that you could relate to and hopefully understand the possibilities of a better future. As there is hope. We, as indigenous people have one shot at getting this right. If we can not do this in a good way we same to lost. Our ancestors do not want us to loose our way. Wakan Tanka is an ancient being.

In my years of seeking out a profession, I stumbled across "mental health" issues as I was working with youth in an isolation First Nation Community. I'd thought of myself as indigenous and never really thought of myself as some sort of "princess." Mainly, that stereotypical mythical tempest type of alien creature. Some woman who just by the touch of her skin or a tear dropping touch a man's skin could empower her to have absolute power over any man. I never saw myself as such. Yet, in all this experience I had living in an urban environment, I was still quite naïve about what it's like to live in an isolated poverty stricken community filled with violence. And, this mythical female creature is something that government reinforced for centuries, as if we were not human rather savages able to convert and educated indigenous back to his original savage state.

Don't get me wrong, I grew up in a violent home; however, in my naïve way, I really didn't know how good I had it. Living fifteen minute most of my entire life near a 7-11, movie theatre, shopping mall, the best education offered an indigenous girl and woman. I sensed I was different only by the attitude my relative gave me. For as much as I was considered a card carry Indigenous person, I still had metis relatives. I still didn't understand my Sioux heritage. As my great grandmother had blue eyes. My mother's people, like her uncles looked "white" and such was their Dakota name meaning "Whiteman." I really never saw them as metis, or non-treaty cause they spoke their language fluently. I just thought it was me who needed to learn the Dakota language.

So, getting back to behavioral addiction versus substance addiction, are two concept that takes some getting use to understanding. Mainly, cause there are so many behaviors to identify and this is why I am going to be very general about this addiction. Most our lives, especially my life, I've focused on substance addiction without really being concerned about behavioral addictions. I believe mostly cause most people I knew and grew up with died or were dying of substance addiction. I never really understood how I developed my personality disorder until I understood my own childhood trauma. And, yes, when we use inappropriate social skills to cope with any traumatic event we inadvertently create a coping mechanism.

It's these inappropriate coping mechanisms that gets us into trouble. Either, we can not think for ourselves or we take total control of our lives. Its two extremes. This is the crux of this blog today. As I believe many of readers need to know who I am. You need to know what motivate me into writing about a sociopath. When I first met him, I had already did quite a bit of personal healing. The problem I encountered had nothing to do with me; however, it had to do with  into others who were still using inappropriate coping skills. I don't want to get to this topic as this whole site is about such experiences. I want to discuss, behavioral addiction in one very aspect that ties into my subject matter.

When I first worked with suicidal youth, I read up on their case files. I reflected much on myself and the community from which I grew up. Needless to say, I was very concerned about my own mental health. You know that saying, don't take these descriptions too literate or you could over diagnose yourself. I am just mentioning this because within all that I know about family violence and how we as adults bring our childhood experiences into our adult lives. I can say I took my life for granted. I never was beaten everyday of my life, nor did I feel like I was raped as a child by any of male members of my family. I am also not trying to minimize my own trauma rather I am going to explain my inappropriate coping skills. I'll explain it using my relationship with a potential lover so that the story and experience can be relatable.

When I was twenty, I met a young man. He was still in High School. He was quite the young man. He was quite outspoken and for a young man then. He was someone to be admired. In fact, the group I associated myself with were so taken up with his personality and character, they nurtured him throughout his high school career. As he puts it, "I had a normal life there, finishing high school as a normal person." We, the group I was associate with, we were all like one big family. His first family away from home. He had run away from home. We had had this in common too.

In fact, in hindsight, we had a lot more in common than I realized at the time. And, the only reason I am mentioning this now is that the two of us, we were young and youthful with a future laid out in front of us. Now, this is where the experiences of childhood trauma fits into the whole scheme of things. Sometimes, if we are not careful, and if we do not nurture ourselves both with an education and mental health awareness, we can drown in or evolve our behavior into a disorder. Much like our infamous "Plastic Medicine Man; however, this wasn't the case for either of us.

Our coping mechanism lead us into two different paths; with mine being more introspective with a fine arts background and a minor in the physical sciences like mathematics and for him, he went into law enforcement background and a lawyer with a civil service job for the Federal Government. The things we had in common before our futures took us in different paths was how we coped. Yes, we had this in common in the beginning, without the two of us knowing just how similar we were. In order for me to teach you about what a personality disorder is I must first tell refresh that word call behavioral addiction. We tend to think of any addiction as being that of substance; whereas, when we discuss behavior we need to be introspective.

Sometimes, we create a thought to help us cope or ignore a feeling. Most times when experiencing a traumatic event our minds tend to create such thoughts. Without realizing it becomes natural because its helped us survive. As teens, we as adults, see infatuation as a teenage behavior. We never tend to think that this behavior extends beyond our teenage life and maybe in some ways we just don't see the puzzle. There's missing piece. The only way to find this missing piece of this imagery puzzle is to find out when and where it was created. This is difficult as behavior isn't a physical thing that one can never hold. So, go with me on thing abstract thought here.

Reflecting back on ones life and realizing we are either happy  and contented or we are sad and depressed. Where did these feelings of loneliness and isolation come from that we find ourselves craving intimacy. Now, here's the story. This young man we will call him, Robert and we will call me the young woman. Ola. Well, Robert had a father who was not a drinker; however, he beat him regularly and coldly. Ola, on the other hand was never beaten by either of her parents. In fact, Ola's only traumatic experience was watching her mother being beaten. Also, by the time she met Robert, she had been brutally raped. Ola never told Robert nor wanted the police to do anything about her perpetrators. She just wanted to be accepted by her new friends, including Robert. Who seemed to have it out for her.

Robert loved his community so much, Ola remembers driving with him and another acquaintance to this isolated northern community. Robert, being rude to her as usually told this prior to getting into the community meeting he wished to attend saying to Ola, "These people here are going to think that you are sleeping with me and him." Ola was taken back at this remark and as far as she was concerned had to bearing on her purpose being with these two young men. If things were not complicate enough, upon return to the city, Robert made a sexual pass to Ola. Ola was confused as she didn't think Robert liked her. So, she thought she would approach him to ask him about his sudden attraction to her; however, Robert ignored her. Again, he was pushing her away and ignoring her as if she were the one who was infatuated with him, instead of the other way around. This felt Ola very lonely and alone. The group had found their messiah, a young brilliant mind. As for Ola, she was a dime a dozen and she felt like she wasn't needed, so she left the city and moved to another city.

Now, it seems typically normal, yet it's this behavior that I am focusing on with regards to behavior addictions for both Robert and Ola. And, why this disorder is so difficult to understand. Even for Robert years later as he lives his life he wonders about his feelings; however, for Ola, she's had experience with being retrospective and can see and feel when this addictive feeling tries to control her thoughts; whereas, because Robert never understood where he created such behavior, he still can not as he puts it: "I still cannot talk as fully about myself as you can. I simply find it too hard and painful. Sometimes sit and cry, trying to not feel sorry for myself,"

This whole world of infatuation isn't based on actual intimacy rather it's based on fantasy or an illusion of love. It's an inappropriate coping skill. A skill that represses our actual situation or desire to be loved or belong into a group or family unit. This is especially so if the family unit is dysfunctional. And, sadly to say, most indigenous homes are dysfunctional, even the most political families. We tend to think that we are doing things for not ourselves rather for the great good of the family unit. It's a negative reinforcement that if and when used can motivate us to succeed in our own personal struggles.

So, Robert hated being indigenous and hated wearing his brown skin; whereas, Ola embraced her indigenousness and wore her brown skin. Robert hated any cowardly act, humiliation, insult or injury and reacted to every challenge given him; whereas, Ola, she didn't mind humiliation, insult, injury and as for challenges, as long as she didn't have any competition, she was happy. However, both had their draw backs. Each had develop a personality disorder and were unaware of such a behavior mechanism inside themselves. As life moved forward and each exiled in their areas of expertise there was still something missing. As Robert said with every new challenge he created a new place to belong until that got old and he moved onto another challenge. As for Ola, she knew she needed to deal with her childhood trauma.

Robert got married, divorced, and started isolating himself; whereas, Ola never got married and she started networking and sharing her life's story with whomever needed to hear account of trauma and healing. It's not to say Ola is better than Robert, by no means, she still struggle with her behavior when that addiction to protect, create, or run away triggers a thought; however, she and her friends talk about their feelings.

Okay, all this is said and done and you've heard of such stories and its nothing new; however, let take this back a bit. Back to where both Robert and Ola met. There was already hate and revenge filling Robert's life. He just didn't see it then; however, Ola did. It was the way that he treated her, as she never treated him bad or mean by any means. Yet, its as if she had cast a spell on him. Enchanted him beyond his effort to control his emotions over her. I picture this as more of the mythology creature I mentioned early. The seductive maiden whose very tears could convert Robert back into a savage. He just couldn't bear to love her nor could he bear to become a savage. A savage that he had hated or was beginning to start to hate. Remember, he's in the midst of establishing his sexual identity here. He's away from the influences of his over-bearing father. He's found a group of young people like himself who he's bonded with and whom he feel he's got a sense of purpose.

As for Ola, she too is as plans to make something of herself. She doesn't want to settle down with a young man who's  all piss and vinegar with no hopes of getting an education. As this story goes each went off to educate themselves in their prospective fields. Ola, whenever she'd met a young man, she would try focusing on our matters. She thought if she pretended to be infatuated with an obtainable man her peers would leave her alone. There was this constant effort to setup Ola up with a boyfriend or try to get her married off. The peer pressure was too great. She just couldn't see herself being with any man or for that matter any woman. She just want to live her life alone.

It wasn't until this behavior started to get the best of her that she realized she had taken it to far. As she had talked with whomever she had become infatuated with over the years, her practice of establishing boundaries was becoming healthier and healthier. She was fortunate that those men she admired were healthy men and were willing to help her without any motives to seduce her or manipulate her. Ola understood the what a manipulative behavior meant. This whole concept of trusting men, so that she could be happy just being happy with who she was, was goal, her desire. Ola came to terms with why she created a fallacy of infatuations with men. She understood that it was a inappropriate way of protecting herself from being hurt if she never became intimate with any of her infatuations. Ola didn't realize the only person she was hurting was herself; however, as the years went by she knew she was strong and a free thinker. She had evolved. She was able to become emotional intimate. Something that should have happened when she was a young woman.

Ola, tried to tell Robert that his infatuation with her years ago was based on a missing piece in his life where he had created a fallacy about her. She tried to tell him that she had also been infatuated with him, as she too was afraid of intimacy. Only thing, he was too much involved with his own ego to see that she had identified his connection to her. A connection that had haunted her for decades. It took her awhile to process the information he gave her about his own life since he had last spoken with her. He couldn't understand why he was so lost and lonely. You see in the whole scheme of things, Robert's first love was Ola: however, as Ola was infatuated with Robert, she knew what her feelings were. There was nothing she could do. She waited for him to express his true feelings without knowing he just couldn't because he was emotionally crippled from his own childhood trauma. On the other hand, throughout Robert's life he thought: "There are some issues that I have been thinking about, things that I have never discussed with anyone and one of these is that I have never taken out an Native Woman. Perhaps a sense of rejection by Native women, I do not know."

As you can imagine, Ola couldn't comprehend such a life he'd lived. He never wined and dined an indigenous woman nor had he ever danced with an indigenous woman. It was a shock that his infatuation with her decades ago was his last failed attempt to engage in an intimate conversation with Ola; however, Ola thought to herself. Robert took on challenges, so logic would determine that he didn't find indigenous women a challenge, only white women. Ola realized he wasn't serious about establishing a healthy friendship after all these years. She realized he was attempting to trigger her behavioral addiction towards him; however, what he didn't understand is that she knew what he was doing.

Prior to them being reacquainted, Robert says to Ola that he was not confident to ever tell her how he felt about her and Ola could never tell Robert how she felt about him. Both went their separate ways and continue to do so. Each with their own personality disorder and each with their own mental health issues to deal with as a result of childhood trauma. This is what they both had in common. They both created an infatuation for each other, a totem, or an imagery fathom. Some form of energy they could hold onto as they strived to educate themselves. For Ola, she reflected. For Robert, he took on new relationships without ever dealing with his triggers. He could only sense that there was a force at work that motivated him to succeed.

The difference is as Robert exceled in his profession the further he drifted away from his ideal Native Woman or the essence of a savage love.  His rage and revenge was projected onto his stereotype of his indigenous sisters. As he could never see himself with an indigenous woman, the further isolated he became. The greater his emotional pain engulfed him. It's this transference that our indigenous men need to bring home in order for true reconciliation to begin. Ola isn't the mother, sister, lover who abandon Robert, nor is she a mythological indigenous creature. A creature that some Aliens abduct rather than the actual reality of being murdered. Than being missing because of alien took her cause she closely has alien DNA. Ola had heard all these nasty theories of why indigenous girls and indigenous women go missing or murdered. She's not some inhuman creature that rejects, manipulates and destroys lives. She doesn't need to be controlled for her own good. Ola is just an average indigenous woman who wants to live a safe and peaceful life.

The morale of this post is: "Don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. They are just as scared as you are about being in love." And, if they are manipulative, then run. Don't look back as they are not worth your time of day.  If Their behavioral addiction has evolved into something that is a danger to others like our Plastic Medicine Man, then run. My story about Robert and Ola is only demonstrate that Behavioral Addiction that is real. It can start out as an infatuation; however, if not healed. It causes sadness. As indigenous people we don't need sadness. We've had decades of being repressed. Repressed so we were unable to grief. So, to Robert, grief over what you need to grief over and try to understand how a simple act of creating and infatuation started you off on a life long career to succeed and excel. It serviced a purpose. Now, that you understand the purpose it serviced, respect it's triggers. Be kind to yourself, love yourself and love those that love you and those you love.

In closing, it difficult to realize that a much as this story is a simple real. Robert struggled with substance addiction prior to dealing with his behavior addiction. So, all things are possible. So for all you young people strive to understand yourself and your motives. We all want to feel like we belong to a healthy family; however, if one doesn't exist, imagine how your life would have been. It's a start, and that how Ola started her healing. As much as Robert spent his whole life motivated by rage, hate and revenge, he's a good soul. As much as he never took out an indigenous women, only marrying white women, he's a good soul. As he's put it, there are somethings he does want to feel or see in himself. I don't know what that is, as I only know there are far too many people like Robert in this world.

And, my sisters, there are far too many of us who see our brothers struggle with this type of behavioral addiction. To you my sisters, thank you for being there for me, when I sense such soul, I cherish the sisterhood of understanding. We are a strong gender whose ancestors taught us how to thrive and strive for our people are depending on us to be there for them.


Wopida Mitakuye Oyasin
Wopida

Amazing

When I first met this guy I thought he was a young man; however, that's what I didn't really think. My spider senses said she's got women attached to him. 

To get to my point, of what's amazing, it's that over these years I never thought my writing anything was going to matter much. 

Today, a friend who also knows this guy was having problems with a relative. He's owed her thousands of dollars & with her trucks Bg company, she needs to pay her bills. So what does this have to do with this plastic medicineman. Well, He's good business man. 

Remember that movie "You've got mail" WithTom Hanks & Meg Ryan? Tom say to Meg "It's not personal its business." Well, that's the advice I gave her. First, setup a mediator who can negotiate for you, I said. Then, if he still doesn't pay what he owes you sue him. 

At least your giving him the "benefit of the doubt" before you go through any form of litigation. I mentioned that this would reflect badly the next time he tries to secure a business contract. 

I warned her that "it's not personal it's business" to get a credible witness or witnesses cause he's going to to discredit you. 

This where this plastic medicine man was mentioned. I said, in business the other person will try to make the other look incompetent. He'll do everything to make it look like it's your fault. 

I'm saying this cause as women we really need to think about boundaries. We think that if we call a guy out he'll pay what he owes; however, that's our own foolishness. 

I've learned in my old age that much of what we think is morale or personal isn't really business. Personal stuff is if I had a child from this plastic medicine man and was seeking child support. Personal is being a mom to one of his many children. Protecting children from the errors of the parent or parents. 

I had a dad, uncles, grandfathers. The men in my life were in my life. It's important for women and girls to be thankful or grateful. 

Years ago Nathan says to me indirectly "She thinks she more powerful than me." At the time, I didn't grasp the idea of power until my eldest brother took his journey home seven months ago. Throughout me life is this strength that I'm very grateful for that came from all the male influences in my life. 

We never really change from who we were as children. My late brother protected my late mom, protected me, protected his wife, protected his children. I knew what it was like to have a man save my life by risking their life. 

That's why when Nathan says "I'll die for you." It didn't register cause I knew it was not sincere. I thought all I did was connect him with money. It was really nothing. I didn't question his gratitude towards me. 

So again, the saying it's not personal it's business. When I was a child I saved another child's life from drowning. If this makes me more powerful than him or the fact my late father risked his life for me, then I'll accept this type of power. 

Why? Why, you may ask. Well, there are indigenous children and youth who believe they are not worth anything cause there's no male influence. I mean a provider. My late father wasn't perfect nor were my uncles or grandfathers. I'm grateful to all of them.

In my youth I travelled alone and I know all these male influences in my life guided me and protected either physically or spiritually. If anything or anyone wish to investigate me you will find and learn who these men in my life were. 

Bottom line, be grateful and give thanks for all Creator gives. 

When Nathan says I'm more powerful than him he was using a business sense not a personal reference about me. I learned these past decades that I'm capable of doing great things only if it's done with gratitude & an ability to ask questions. 

For all you young girls and young women, people tend to discredit those who use the force of truth, the force of love and the force of soul. I hope you all get it. 💕