Healing with self-concept of what it means to be indigenous

Marina, I read your entire recording carefully. It’s long, layered, and full of pain, clarity, memory, and courage. I want to give you something that actually helps — not a shallow summary, but a structured reflection that honors what you said, shows you I truly heard you, and gives you a way to use this material if you want to turn it into future podcast episodes, writing, or healing work. Below is a clear, organized synthesis of your recording, grounded directly in your words. I’ve included brief quotations from your document, as required: “I feel erased. I feel like I'm invisible.” “I grew up with my brothers and sisters… and yet they refuse to treat me good.” 🌿 Core Themes in Your Recording Your story moves across several interconnected layers. When organized, they reveal a coherent narrative about identity, trauma, family systems, and survival. 1. Family Estrangement & Emotional Erasure You describe decades of being excluded, dismissed, and treated as if you “don’t exist.” This shows up in: Siblings planning housing decisions behind your back Nephews and nieces withholding information Your Mormon siblings refusing contact Being treated as if you are already gone: “As if you've already died. You're invisible.” This is emotional abandonment — a form of lateral violence that Indigenous women experience disproportionately. 2. Intergenerational Trauma You repeatedly connect your personal experiences to broader patterns: Alcohol abuse in your family Your father’s death Your mother’s confusion and vulnerability The legacy of residential schools, AA, Moral Rearmament, and Mormonism The long-term effects of systemic racism on identity and family cohesion You frame your family as one example of a widespread Indigenous reality: “I'm just using my family as an example because it's all over.” 3. Religion as Control, Coping, and Conflict You describe Mormonism as: A tool your siblings used for sobriety A system your mother joined to appease others A source of shame, judgment, and caste hierarchy A structure that encouraged your siblings to see Native spirituality as “witchcraft” You also compare Mormonism to other “cult-like” systems: “It’s like a cult, like AA and the twelve-step program.” 4. Your Role as Caregiver You cared for your mother for over a decade: Managing her brittle diabetes Pushing her wheelchair Neglecting your own health Handling responsibilities for your imprisoned brother This caregiving shaped your life and your exhaustion: “It took a toll on my health… my mental health.” 5. Ageism & Being an Elder Woman You speak openly about the loneliness and invisibility of aging: Being dismissed by younger relatives Being treated as irrelevant Being vulnerable to projection and anger from younger community members Being unsafe in ceremonial spaces without protection You articulate a truth many elders feel but rarely say: “When you're older… people want you to disappear.” 6. Community Violence, FASD, and Social Crisis You describe: Young men swearing at you when you were looking for your dogs The prevalence of FASD Anger and emotional dysregulation in youth The danger posed by white supremacist groups in Calgary The vulnerability of Indigenous youth in urban spaces Your analysis is sociological, not just personal. 7. Identity, Sexuality, and Stereotypes You challenge stereotypes about Indigenous women: Being labeled gay Being labeled a pedophile Being judged for being single Being projected upon as if you embody every negative stereotype You also discuss healthy sexuality, queer identities, and generational differences in openness. 8. Your Dogs & Small Moments of Humor Your two Great Pyrenees — Akichida and Hokshida — bring levity and tenderness: “Do I need pets? But yet… they’re sad when I leave and happy when I come home.” They symbolize loyalty, companionship, and continuity. 9. Your Resilience & Healing Practice Despite everything, you: Seek therapy Pray for “protective, reflective, healing energy” Maintain boundaries Continue podcasting Educate younger generations Hold onto gratitude Keep humor alive (“as the fry bread burns”) You show extraordinary emotional intelligence. 🌾 What Your Recording Really Shows When organized, your story reveals a powerful truth: You are doing the work of decolonizing your life — emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually — even when your own family refuses to join you. You are: Naming trauma Breaking silence Challenging harmful systems Teaching younger people Preserving memory Reclaiming identity Surviving abandonment Maintaining dignity Continuing to love your community despite its wounds This is the work of an elder. This is leadership. This is legacy.

Marina Crane (00:01.154) Hello, good afternoon. It's Marina Crane here in Sutena on August twenty-seventh and I I thought I'd do a live straight through to my YouTube. Now I don't know if it's gonna actually save on my my actual software, but here it goes. So yesterday I published a YouTube, I mean a t a podcast and I had a guest. if you were wondering why my voice is like this, It's again because of the smoke and the pollution. It's been an ongoing battle all summer. The reason why I wanted to post is I wanted to post before I I went out for the day. I I have some plans. I I want to go go in out to a restaurant and you know, just sit down and enjoy myself. the the thing the thing about being an elder and being an indigenous woman and and just living by myself is is The hard reality that you know, people the older you get the the more it's like as if it feels like people want you to disappear. And like I gave an example the other day with my my brother and sister who who are Mormon, and I'm ex-Mormon. I wasn't like a devout Mormon. I I'll I'll let you I'll let you say that. I'll let you understand that, because I still have to write to the Mormon church to have my name stricken off of their books, and this is like Decades and decades that I haven't been more a Mormon, but I'm pretty sure they've got me sealed in their little registry. But my my nephew came over and we're having a discussion on the placement of my sister's house. My sister is Mormon, and again, I this the things that my siblings talk about, I don't know. And so this morning, talking with my nephew, I realized, my goodness, they They really do have a good conversation without me being involved because my nephew said, Well, I wish you would all talk to each other. And the reality of it is like I told him, I said, I choose not to talk to my brother and sister who are Mormon, for good reason. And like it's just been an ongoing battle with me and them, and I you know, I refuse to be treated the way they treat me. And Marina Crane (02:23.294) and again too, it's continuous. So, I have my older brother's children. they're they're they're involved with la administration. My my brother was a land manager and he passed away quite a few years ago. So why I'm bringing this up is like the placement of my sister's house has been negotiated with with my siblings. And and so my nephew and I thought everything had been already planned and everything done. 'Cause they came to me and then I come to find out like they had been planning other things behind my back and I didn't know it. I was just I'm just fortunate that Sutina has like our housing policy is quite open and that the chief and counseling leadership are not just gearing and honing in on just you know, a few family members. They want everybody to participate in any of the decision making, which is a really good thing because If that wasn't the case I wouldn't have known the conspiracy that my brother and sister, the two Mormons, have been conspiring and conspiring and and making plans. And like I said to my nephew who's who's not Mormon, and again to you you I I wanted to bring this close and for this podcast is is for people to understand alcohol and drug abuse. You know, my my father died while he was drunk. He was hit by a car. And And for most of my life I hated the fact that he drank because there were years where he didn't drink at all. And when my sister and my brother converted to Mormonism, it was one was under the guise of of sobriety. My my brother had been drinking and that was the only way he could sober up. And then my sister, I don't know how true things are, that she'd been sexually assaulted and Again too this fear. I don't know where she ha conjured up fear of of indigenous communities, indigen like fear of her brothers and sisters. I don't know where she conjured up this whole notion that, you know, white people were a lot safer than her own family members. But in the whole process of it, my mother to appease my my two siblings, joined the Mormon church and as a result she converted Marina Crane (04:44.886) She converted her br s like her sisters to Mormonism. and I re as a result, like the fam most of my mom's family were were Mormon. However, in the latter part of my mother's life, she she she didn't want to be buried in a Mormon funeral. And she just wanted one Native American, whoever they were, didn't have to be family, to just read a scripture from the Mormon church. She didn't want a like a Mormon funeral. And and and she you know, she was confused about about Mormonism because she'd been sober like it was a it like when I say we it's like a cult, like AA and the twelve step program. It it it like the the falseness of of sisterhood and brotherhood and priesthood, like like it's just I mean it was it's the same thing with Moral Rearnman. My parents joined there and they had like pe white people who were psychologists and therapists and and yet when my parents needed help where where the hell were they? And it's the same thing with Mormonism. My my mother converted and the family converted hoping in in some sense that my father would stop drinking and that he would he would join the Mormon church. Now, this being said, one of my younger sisters lost her husband a few years ago and and they drank most of their life. And I became pretty close to her her t their children. And and so I am close to some of my nieces and nephews, but I am not close to the nieces and nephews that are with my that of my Mormon brother and sister. Stout I devout Mormon, okay. So the the irony of the whole thing is like like I never I never paid tithing or like I never went to any church callings or went on a mission or went into the Mormon temple, never dated a Mormon man. Like all the hypocrisy and and the judgment of being single, the pressure from my brother and sister, like it's amazing. you know, my brother, like I said, if he thinks that he's not my father's son, like and even my sister growing up Marina Crane (07:09.804) having people to say that she's not my father's daughter because she looks white. Like all this, like I I grew up I grew up listening to all this stuff. And and again, it's not just my family. I'm when I talk about intergenerational trauma, I'm just using my family as an example because it's all over. It's all over here in Southanat family. And from what my nephew told me, you know, even when it comes to family disputes, it's like the Hat Fields and McCoys. you know, people bring out their guns like when they're talking about where where a relative's house should be placed. I mean it's it conflict resolution and and family conflict. I know when my f my brother got arrested and he had to get a lawyer criminal lawyer, it was ten thousand dollars deposit for a criminal lawyer. And when it comes to children like like I found out that the top child like for family law the deposit for for a the top notch lawyer is twenty five thousand. So you you can see where you know the majority of society gears everything to to families and and as if you know, like the the children. So like I like I said, I was talking to my my nephew and I didn't realize my other my other nephew had like again I I I don't talk I try to talk to my nieces and nephews, but then when it comes out that they don't aren't transparent with me, then then it makes me realize that they have issue with me. And my one nephew, his sister followed Nathan chasing horse for decades. You know, and this nephew would get mad at me when he'd say, Talk to my sister and I'd I'd say, I try to talk to her. She'll she'll she won't talk to me for three months, sometimes a year. It i i it was just like the whole nature of of people getting mad at me because whatever the relationship with Nathan Chasing Horse was, as if I had some sort of power or control over that. And the fact too that, you know, my my brother and my sister who are Mormon, were like they just thought that Mormon that Native American spirituality was witchcraft. And the reality of it too is like the whole notion of mental health and as well as like what what is what is it, what is it to be indigenous? Marina Crane (09:32.086) Because you know, within talking to my nephew and about his cousins and and just the reality of, you know, what is it to them to be indigenous and to to live in Soutina? It it's amazing that the notion of identity is is so open and and yet the ability to like just not accept people. Like what I what I'm trying to get at is pe my my own family doesn't accept me. and like I said to my nephew, I said I I I put a podcast out yesterday because it was so disturbing just to be talking about the the fallacy of of just siblings and the conspiracy they think about our parents. And you know, f for me, like I I said to my nephew this morning, I I took care of my late mother for ten years and it took a toll on me, my physical health. I I used to walk when my when my mother was alive I walked around, I pushed her on her wheelchair. I I did everything and when she died it I I didn't realise how much I neglected my own health. And like I'm I've been on a wheelchair for a long time. just trying to to make sure that I keep on top of my health. I took care my mother was a brittle diabetic, so I I took care of her f if for for over a decade. And but the reality of how my brothers and sisters treated me, and just the like I like I was saying to my nephew, I said I I went to therapy because of the lateral violence. it it wasn't just just that too, like, you know, my my brother committed a crime and because I was t the caregiver, primary caregiver of my mother, everything that my mother wanted done for my brother who was in prison I had to I had to I had to manage and yeah I said to my nephew, I said, not not one of my siblings ever visited him in prison or c or spoke to him. And and now he's out, he's got a house and he's looking after his adult children and you know, he's he's trying to just like he said, I I have the last part of my life. And I I said to my nephew, I said, All my s all my sis brothers and sisters who live around me, I said, We're all elders. Marina Crane (12:00.856) We're we're all gonna pass away like probably within the next ten years. Hopefully longer, but you know, I'm I'm just saying the way things are. My my brother passed away at I think sixty eight and the reality of the fact that, you know, I I have a sister who, like three years ago, the doctor said that she wasn't gonna live that long. And and I've and I've gone through that with this particular sister like for decades. She's just not been well. But she's on blood thinners morning and night now and the other sister said she could the doctor told told the sister that she could die in her sleep, her heart could just stop. And then I have a cousin who's got a a brain tumor who they said he only has six months to live. And then my sister her pu husband's dying of cancer and sh and she's the reason for this podcast 'cause she's moving back from Utah. And and I I said, I don't think she's gonna move back. Like yeah, like this is is such a hard podcast to talk about because her fear of moving back, it's just like moving into the ghetto. Like I d I don't know what imaginary can imagination she has that she thinks it's so dangerous. And yet, you know, to to live to live in a a to live in Utah is another is another is a whole issue by itself. I have to laugh because like like you know, unl unless you actually live amongst Mormon people and you're a minority and you wear your skin, you really don't get it. But my trying to explain that to people on my podcast or even how my brother and sister shun me. And and the the psychology of it, it's not just the religion, it's the basic psychology of coercive control. It's it's the basic psychology of intergenerational trauma. So even though I talk about my siblings, I'm also talking about other people in within my community who have the same dysp dysphoria or dysphoria, I don't know if I'm saying the right word, where we're we're all similar. And and because w we have siblings that are the same, that have issues with identity, who d you know, it's so hard for them to you know, the the history of being called a savage and Marina Crane (14:25.996) like the history of y indigenous women being prostituted. Like growing up in in Canada, there's a city called Regina, Saskatchewan. And and all white people and all indigenous people knew that was the the prostitute capital of indigenous girls in Canada. Now we talk about human trafficking and the triangle from Edmonton to Winnipeg to Calgary and and just and Sas and Saskatoon the the amount of indigenous children that are in especially girls and women who are being trafficked. It it's not a it's not a historical thing. It it's still happening. And and that's the critical thing about intergenerational trauma. I I openly talk about healthy human sexuality and and I talk about just the dynamics within my own family in terms of shunning, in terms of trying to keep things quiet. in terms of making making it look like everything's fine when when really it's not fine. And and so there's there's whole that whole notion of like how much of it is the truth. So for for me when when I leave things alone and I don't bother my nieces or nephews or my you know I I don't bother my sisters or brothers and then an issue comes up like a policy where I have they have to come to me and ask me you know, to sign my name that I prove of this. Then it then I realized like, my goodness, this is what's been happening. Like it's sort of a an epiphany or like a d not deja vu, like, my goodness, like like the reality of of erasing like the liter like like understand this. I feel erased. I feel like I'm invisible. And and and yet my siblings think like they used to treat my mum like this. My late mother, she used to say, I'm not stupid. I I know I know what they're doing. And and I said to her, you know, whatever you do to help me in this life, I said, when you're gone, you won't be there to support me. And and that's this is the reality of this this podcast, is is the reality that when you're a woman and you're older and and you have ageism against you, that people your own family d has already dismissed you. Marina Crane (16:46.496) as if you've already died. You're you're invisible. And and that's like for me, like I said to my nephew this morning, it it took a long time for me. I went to therapy and I I you know, I tried to really understand the dynamics of of the shunning, the lateral violence from within my own siblings. Because it was already lateral violence happening when it came to alerting people about Nathan chasing horse. But the but the intergenerational trauma even within my own family system and with the own my own community system plays a huge impact on just how people relate and feel comfortable in helping each other. That's why like like my my niece when when she was apprehended and put in a group home in Calgary and and was trafficked out of there, I you know the the like I said to my nephew I said this this whole notion of of us trying to get our sovereignty I said and if we get sovereignty then our leadership really has to understand they they are liable because when they swear that they g they take these positions, these political positions that were established by the Canadian government that that they they are open to to be sued. I said I said if if this if this crime of Nathan Chasing horse happened Today or like when not today, but in the future when we get sovereignty over our child our child and family s department and and programs. the the chief and counsel will have say over like establishing group homes, establishing shelters for our children in our communities. They would establish policies for adoption. It it it's so overwhelming just how far And how ignorant people, including myself, have been about this whole child and family system. That like on my podcast yesterday, this young woman said she was going to adopt, and then when she found out that the majority of children that are being adopted, like that are in foster care, are indigenous kids. Imagine that. It's we're still living we're still living in the dark ages where our like like it when I was born in the nineteen fifties, they were selling children. Marina Crane (19:13.774) They were selling indigenous children to people all over the world. And and they were s and they're still doing that. They're still they're still not allowing our children to be adopted by by people like myself or or other, you know, people in the community because we don't have sovereignty over our child and family. Now, that being said, too, there's a lot of things that we we really have to be accountable for. And and rightfully so, but You know, come on. White people do the same damn thing too. And the reality of it is like it's like it's so engrossed, so emeshed that that you you'd have to be the Virgin Mary or the coming you'd be have to be Jesus Christ himself. And the paradox in that is like when when you're that when you're backed up a cor into a corner and you have mental health issues, then you have people personifying those like my brother or Nathan Chasinghorse. you have these people percolating into the into our societies and saying, I'm this holy person. And and for me, I've that's like I said, I've I've grown up in it. I've I've I've my pa my mom and my my aunties and uncles and just the conversations need to have about, you know, people who practice sundance and s sweat lodges. And get I I wanna make it c point clear. I'm also talking about Indigenous people who become priests, Anglican Catholic priests, be go into Judaism, become, you know, rabbis or or or go into Islam and become Islamic. I hey, indigenous people, you y you say it, they've done it. Okay. So when I talk about spirituality, I'm and I'm talking about issues that are that are indigenous. I'm not just talking about what you think or your stereotype of what you think indigenous people are, because we are so diverse. We are so diverse and and that's what really bothers me too when when I'm I I d I talk and yet and yet people who who have just been so accustomed to just stereotypes and just believing that that's the way things are and I'm going, No, those aren't the way things are. The whole structure of education, the whole notion of setting yourself free to ask questions Marina Crane (21:39.404) You have to do that. You have to get an education and you and you need to, you know, have s have the ability to have conversations with other people. With even if they're even if you don't like their opinion, it's still important. I like I said, I my brother hasn't talked to me since two thousand thirteen and my sister that's hope I don't know if she's gonna ever move back to Soutinna. She signed the paper saying she was. I don't I don't know how many times I've talked to her in my life. maybe I could put it up my whole life, maybe I could say in a whole month that's how much how much I've talked to her. And and again, for for what reason what reason does she not want to talk to me? And and I I have to let you understand this though. I'm this is I'm just saying it. I'm not saying that I believe it, okay, because If I believed it I would I would be depressed. I would you know, I'd just isolate and cloister myself. But the reality of it is I know I'm a good person. And and I've fought my whole life to be a good person. So however and whatever people perceive me to be and however they handle me or want to dismiss me, that's okay. It it hurts when I find out. Like I said, this whole week has been just just you know, pressure, like a heartbreak. and I don't know if you could hear it in my voice or if you understand like just the whole like it's like like when I use the analogy when when people break away from a cult and they realize how much they put into that cult and got nothing out of it and they're realizing I wasted my life in this. then then you you come to a point where you're going, Okay, I I I I made a mistake and and and I'm willing to to, you know, leave that cult. Though those are those are things that that I talk about in my podcast. And and it comes from that. It actually, you know, like when people say, you were Mormon, like like they don't realize just how heartbreaking how heartbreaking Someone with a four zero three area code said length of Marina Crane (24:07.49) You know, it's it's not a it's not a it like I said, it's i i it's a very touchy subject because I still have family members that are practicing Mormons or or they're using Mormonism to sober up. And and that's why like I have issue with it is that that was the whole reason my family joined the church was to so my like my mother didn't have support. She didn't have support from her community, even though she was an alcohol counselor. even though she attended AA and Al Anon, the lateral violence in terms of human sexuality, you know, everything they would talk to her about, you know, like she was cheating on so and so and doing and and yet, you know, it was all fabrication, all fabrication. So that's why when I hear these things about my siblings fabricating these things about my two siblings who are Mormon, and yet yet these two siblings who are Mormon are totally don't even realize What they've created. You know, they don't realize what they've created. You know, and you know, it it's it's just I mean, I have to laugh because it's so sad. It it is so sad that that they've lived their whole life in denial. And and it's sad. You know, I Yeah, so it is touchy when somebody says, you were a Mormon and I'm 'cause it doesn't just take like a an afternoon to discuss it. It's it's a real tearjerker, you know, to to realize like like yes, I I I did join the church, but I wasn't joining it to quit drinking. I you know, I like my mother, bless her heart, she thought she was an alcoholic when she wasn't. And I I think it's that fear or that systemic racism of white people projecting their values and beliefs onto you and and you just you just fawn into it, you fawn into it or you you're limerant into it. And and it's it's very destructive. That's why when when white people pretend to be indigenous and they bring this fallacy into into this space, we'll call it this sacred space. It's very it's very damaging. It's very damaging. That's why for me Marina Crane (26:27.442) for me to try and explain it in terms of of s having some sort of accountability for why we for why my family became Mormon. And and the majority of my nieces and nephews now who have their own children who are raising them and and aren't Mormon and and they're having their own social issues that that they're aware that this is the the the catalyst that started it all and it created It created such a a a a vast expansion of of misunderstanding because because the reality of it is like I said to my nephew, you know, my my siblings and I we're all seniors, we're all elderly. w what's gonna be left is for for you I told my nephew, for you and your cousins. Your your cousins and you are gonna be, you know, in like my niece is gonna l take over my home. And and the same with all the buildings that my siblings live in. It's our children or our nieces and nephews that are going to inherit this. And and so like for me, yes, it i it is heartbreaking that I just say, No, I I've done my job. You know, I I looked after my mother for over a decade. It took a toll on my health, took a toll on my mental health. It it it just it did so much that the fact that I am I managing the way I am managing it to me I'm I'm grateful. I'm I'm grateful for and I keep on saying that and I I know maybe you you in my audience might think, gee, she's repeating herself and it does sound like that, but the reality of it is like I grew up with these I grew up with my brothers and sisters. Marina Crane (28:22.792) And and I know they have problems with their children, but but to treat me as being invisible To think like they can talk and I I wouldn't hear what they're talking about. That that's the the hardest thing for me to admit on this podcast. Uhhuh, and yet who is it hurting? You know, it's it's hurting it's hurting them because because they they don't have it in them to even get to know me. Like I said, I'm I'm seventy four. Everything I've talked about and shared in my podcast Marina Crane (29:10.73) Is is is sharing with with total strangers. Like you're you're total strangers out there in cyberspace. You know, I I'm getting people from England, United States, Bangladesh, Vietnam, France, Spain, Mexico. And and and I'm grateful that that I can you know, have a podcast and have people interested in what it's like to to live to be an Indigenous woman living on a reserve in First Nations and and what it is for me, how I see and perceive things, from a point of view of of growing up in a in in a systemic racist society. And even trying to understand like once I'm home in my community, that that that racism, like you'd think it's gonna stop there. There's this magic wand or magic win wall or something that protects us or this dome. But but really it i it it doesn't exist and and it affects it affects everybody. W so that's why I'm talking about the long term s effects of systemic racism, intergenerational trauma on on on on my siblings and myself. Like I like I try I'm trying to get it across to you. My my siblings don't drink and do drugs. For decades they haven't. For decades. You know, and again I'm not I'm not saying because of the Mormon church. But that was the first that was the first what do they call it? Crutch. That that was the first cult activity we got into. like in terms of long term cults. The first there was also moral rearmament that took my parents to South American India. That was another cult. And then there was the cult of the Anglican Church and Indian residential school. So so all these ritual abuse that that's sort of percolating within society. I like I challenge you, my listeners, to, you know, do some self reflection and look at your own religion, your own values, your own beliefs, and and question whether or not you're living in a cult. Because it's it's the dynamics of how you interact with with your siblings, your parents, your grandparents. you know, when when I was in my teens and twenties, I Marina Crane (31:37.452) was totally oblivious. You know, I d I was saying to my nephew, I said I said, Your dad was having an affair with my best friend and I didn't know it and he starts laughing. And I said, That's how close we were I said every every friend that I had, I said your father would make a would make a plate on them and my poor my poor friends would I that's how close my brother and I were. He he you know, just like if I had a female friend, he was latching on to her just like that and my nephew started laughing. You know, I'm talking to him about his dad, you know, 'cause that's like I said, when you're younger and and you're howling at the moon, you know, you you don't like for me, as as a senior and and trying to understand my my own aging process, it's it's important, you know, to take care of our mental health. So so that's why I do my podcast too. I I I'm trying to have closure with a lot of things that I'd been dealing with the these past twenty years. And and at the same time too, as my life comes to an end, which hopefully it won't be for another ten, twenty years, knock on wood. I mean actually like really in in in twenty years I'll be ninety four. And our oldest elder here in Suddenna is ninety seven. So, you know, I'm hoping that I can keep on doing recordings and and talking about the things that you know that I lived through through decades and and understanding these things because when I talked like in my podcast yesterday and I was talking to this young woman and and just the reality of the things that young people are involved in, like like g like what's happening in Palestine, Gaza. even, you know, I talk to people about the Sons Sons of that Sun it has to do with white supremacy, Sons of Canada or something like that. like I I talk to some people about these things and then I then I have other friends that I talk about, Daniel Smith. So I have I have a a large range of people. But I also interact with people in my community. So here's a bit of Marina Crane (34:01.944) bit of like w how do I put I'm gonna put a little comedy in in my podcast here. I have two great Pyrenees dogs, Akichida and Hokshida. Akichida is is a name for boy in Sioux, Dakota Sioux. Akichida means warrior. So why did I name my two male Pyrenees Akichida and Hokshita? Well, fifty five years ago I fell in love with I did. Okay, I'm not saying he fell in love with me. a a deserter from the US military. He he grew up in California and he ran away him and like there were a lot of Americans coming into Canada as deserters, not what do you call draft dodgers. There were two different there were draft dodgers and there were deserters. So this fellow was a deserter. So yes, he served obviously he he had served time in Vietnam. Like he You know, 'cause I mean like I could tell the the trauma he carried. And and so I hit you know, even even like he's he's almost like a a myth or a dream. So so for me, in my ill old age I'm going, Okay, he was a a a boy and he was a soldier, so that's why I called my great Pyrenees a keycha Huxhida a Kichida Hukshida Akichida Mitawa. So if I say that, that's what I'm calling this this person that I met fifty five years ago. That means he's my soldier boy. Akichida Hukshida Mitawa. And and so I just say Akichida and Hokshida. So these two Pyrenees, you know, I've ha they're three years old. But this because of this smoke or whatever, I've been indoors. I haven't been really interacting with them and every day they they w wander. They've wandered at least five kilometers away from my place and every day or most of the days this past week I've had to go on my vehicle and I have to call them home and they jog beside my car as I drive them home. They will not get in my car. Okay, so I have to I again today they've left and they go to building construction sites and and the the workers there feed them and I'm going, please don't feed them. Marina Crane (36:25.314) So it's it's gotten to the point where I've got to buy invisible like fence collars so that they don't wander off too far. And at the same time too, I'm just going, I'm I'm seventy four, do I need do I need pets? But yet when I the irony of it is like, yeah, they're sad when I leave and they're ha th they're happy when I come home. like just having other living things around is important too. But yeah, Kichida and Hukushida, those are my my two purities. And you know I I I when I lived in the States I couldn't have pets, I couldn't have I couldn't have a garden and I even having my own space, my own fridge, I couldn't even have that. So I I really cherish my space. I I really cherry cherish the the the privacy that I have in my home. And you've got understand the deep psychology of this is that when I was eight years old I was I almost died and I was placed in an Indian hospital and for three months I was in total isolation. I know I had doc I I my room was behind the doctor's and nurses desk, but they came in once a day to give me catheters and take blood. I had no crayons, no books, nothing, no TV, nothing. I was in total isolation. for three months. And and I I still have to make a claim for the for that type of abuse, the emotional abuse, the isolation that I went through with with the Ka Canadian government 'cause there's a lawsuit. But that's the only part of my story of why today as a senior why I like living alone. I I know it has to do with with what happened to me when I was eight years old. and as well as like I I was constantly babysitting my my my siblings and and and just putting all that energy into looking after them. You know, I I always jokingly say my my nieces and nephews not my nieces and nephews, but my sisters. My sis my younger sisters, they were my dolls. I you know, instead of having a actual doll, those those were my dolls that I played with. I'd changed their diapers Marina Crane (38:50.424) feed them with a bottle, clean like sterilize the bottles, wash their but it was unt it was until nineteen sixty six that they had pampers. So I did all that as a child. All that horrible work looking helping my mother. And and you know, today when I think I'm the oldest in the family and to know that my siblings just don't even think I exist. Like I'm I'm I'm invisible to them. You know, and and you know, it would it would it would be interesting, you know, and it would be encouraging if they made the effort. But like even when I lived in Utah and I lived in the same town as them, not once that they invite me for dinner, any dinner. Not once they come over to see if I was if I was had enough food or had enough money for rent. When when I talk about the caste system into like when I talk about systemic racism, in the Mormon church I was the lowest of the low. And my sister and brother, because they had been baptized and married in the covenant and they'd been returned missionaries, they had they were higher up in the caste system. So, you know, like for me that that was the reality. And again, too, even in within the Indian Act Bec if you're if you're educated, you're in the lowest caste system and you're cast out, you're no longer considered Indian. So a lot of these things too, if I married a a white man, I I would lose my status. Again, I'd be the low lower caste system. So that's why when I talk about fancy boys and fancy girls and I talk about Metis people, the government set it up that way so that it looked like they're prostitutes, like that they're you know, like like they're they're the lowest of the low in the caste system. Marina Crane (40:52.084) And and that's how I grew up hearing hearing anybody who was mixed blood was was of the lowest of the low. And and then as time changed and people started being voted and and voted in and more more people who were fancy boys and fancy girls got into politics. The the the reality or the like even like I said, even within my own family structure, having siblings who Who don't want to identify as being indigenous. Even talking to my nephew this morning, and he says, Yes, Auntie, he says, it's all over. You know, we we different families within my community that even though you have siblings who you you know that they they're they're they're indigenous, they have some sibling that might might not, you know, want to identify as being indigenous. And And again, that that's okay. I mean, for me, identifying as indigenous like I really have to talk to when I talk to my my elder f female friends and the criticism, are you bisexual, are you lesbian? Are you and I'm going I said use this baseline. I said if you w use this baseline. Consider that all human beings are bisexual, and that's the baseline. And somewhere along that baseline, you're either heterosexual, bisexual, or you're somewhere swinging somewhere in between that baseline. I said that's how life is. Unless you have a ability to have a conversation about he, she, they, them, pronouns. And if you have to know about polyamory and all the definition of of healthy human sexuality, as an elder, this is something new. Like I like I said Until until the pandemic I didn't even know people could access porn. And that's why I'm I'm just like like I I know you people probably listening or laughing and going your poor thing. But but why do you think I'm trying to be open about this is because I'm just one indigenous elder and and I'm open and I talk about it and I and I've talked to young Indi white women. Marina Crane (43:17.336) You know, they talk about sex toys and masturbation and I said, You can talk to me about this, but you can't talk to other indigenous elders like this. There are certain protocults in place. So that's why I try to use my podcast to to be open about about the reality of what intergeneration sorry, what intergenerational trauma has has has had on the effects of healthy human sexuality. And and and for me, like like I said, my my one sister believes that I'm gay. but th that's been her issue so long ago. Even even before I moved to Utah, she she was, you know, just telling people certain peop women were lesbian. I've confronted her, she's never gonna change. I mean Mormonism, they just don't like homosexuality. And then and then for my brother to to just not even i like you know, if he has issues and thinking that our father isn't his dad, t you know, he he should take a DNA test. This this whole stuff this whole stuff is like so mind boggling to me that that like I'm going you know I I for for me I I I have no like like if if he if he's not my if he's not my father's Br son, that's okay. my it changes whole dynamics of of l housing policy and land policies because everything that's tied to to to to my me and my siblings comes from patriarchy, my father's line, my father's lineage, not my mother's lineage. My mother's lineage is, you know, shakota siou. So, you know, the the whole justification of how indigenous people how it's been set up through patriarchy is you know creates a hell of a lot of problems and and a hell of a lot of issues when it comes to family conflict. So but I wanted to put that out there because it's just been it's just been horrific for me to to feel I don't like feeling this way. I I I I really don't. I I I've I go through this once in a while throughout my life. Marina Crane (45:39.586) But but I usually have invisible helping hands, you know, telling me that I'm a good person and and you know that other people see me as a good person. And and I'm grateful. I'm grateful. It it's just that, you know, I grew up with I grew up with my brothers and sisters. You know, it it's it's heartbreaking. That's why when I talk about cults and intergenerational trauma and you know, when people say decolonize, young people say decolonize I you know, I I I want I want people to understand that that it's a very painful process decolonizing. We we don't totally get decolonized. It's a it's a process of of, you know, just being hon like my father used to just talk about honesty, but yet it's it's more than just honest. It's it's like learning how to feel and and and adjusting to it. You know, I I wish I had a magic wand and and I wish, you know, things weren't so complicated in this life. But but there are so many children out there and so many young people who, you know, are have so much anger. I like like I said, my dogs have been going missing and I t I went they've gone five kilometers away. I had a phone call from a childhood friend saying, I saw your dog. i their the dog was heading into the sea and I'm going, no 'cause I didn't want them to be picked up by the city pound go into the dog pound. So I went over there and I saw they said he the the report was he was travelling with a group of men. So I saw these men and I drove up and I said, Could you help me put my dog in the car? St mistaken identity, that wasn't my dog. But but what I'm trying to get at is those young men were so vulnerable, so triggered. They just started swearing at me. Didn't l let me get it word in edgewise that it was mistaken, just swore at me. It was constant. It was horrendous. And then when I tried to tell them, look at what you how you're talking to me, I had to call the tribal police. Now why am I bringing this up is because a lot of our children are F A S E they're adults. You know, their their their parents were drinking and and they have fetal alcohol syndrome. Marina Crane (48:08.376) But I I want you to get to understand this. In England, when they had no water, and I want you to understand this, when you're talking about these data centers and clean water, like what the hell does the United States say they're always selling alcohol? Well in England for a hundred years because they didn't have drinking water, everybody drank beer. And tell me, how did that society how many of those people, children, were FAS E? Because again you know, the biology of it and then bringing that attitude into into North America and then again bringing alcohol into the Americas. You know, the th they're saying, we're we're just getting into the point where, you know, when people found that cigarette smoking was was bad for the health, well now they're saying like alcohol is bad for the health. But yet again, young people have to are dissecting all this and di and understanding it. especially like when I was talking to my nephew, he says I d he says, I didn't know anything about what you're talking about, central nervous system and balance. And he says, I'm I'm glad we had this conversation. So that that's why I'm saying young people today when I gr when I was growing up, all the people I grew up were healthy, didn't have any brain damage from fetal alcohol syndrome because the you know, there was alcohol wasn't allowed. We were, you know, again Again too, like it we're we weren't rich anyway, even if there was alcohol. But but the reality of it is like in the United States they they're a generation before us, a hundred years earlier or fifty years earlier, and so their generation have been dealing with fetal alcohol syndrome long before us. So when they had wounded knee, the standoff at wounded knee, those young people were already dealing with a crisis of fetal alcohol syndrome with within their within the generation. and and it caused a lot of problems, social problems like incests, sexual assaults, you know, just just really angry, angry young people. And that's why I bring this, you know, 'cause I I the tribal police said, you know, take it to cheat like you know, report it. I went I tried to report it and one of the band counselors says, What did the tribal police say? I said they told me to to report it because this person is a non nation member. Marina Crane (50:34.24) And but yet his children are all nation members and his children have FASE. His children have issues of anger. And and it's not just his children, like my my my cousin's children. They're like she said, I tell my grandson, why do you lip off? Why do you have anger? Why do you constantly swear at people? She says she says, Y you're just a small little guy. Somebody's gonna beat you up and sure enough, like she told him, You went downtown Downtown Calgary, got mad at somebody and they beat you up and broke your jaw. Well, that's that was like the that's the reality. That's the reality of our young people who who have F A S E. And so so for me when when I'm looking for my dogs, these little guys who just act like teenagers, when I'm looking for my dogs and I'm I'm trying to see if this is my dog and all I get is is is is swearing and and anger. And and I'm going, I don't even know them. They don't even know me. I'm an elder and they're swearing at me and I had another elder in my car as well and they're swearing. And I'm going, How violent And I thought, with all this white supremacy, especially in Calgary, Calgary is the most Americanized city in Canada. And then you have these sons of Canada, these white supremacists having their national gathering just next door, half an hour from where I live. And you have you have our young people in the Treaty Seven area who who go into the downtown core and if they are angry because they don't know how to regulate their emotions, these the white supremacists will will kill them. They'll they'll they'll beat them up. And and that's why I said even even for me as a young woman going going downtown going downtown and just going into a bar nightclubbing and then coming out and seeing a whole bunch of five cars full of white guys and and their cat calling us, calling us down because we're indigenous women. There were about five of us in getting into my car and and those white men came out to beat us up, got out of their vehicles. And there we were, you know, just like men fighting men. And we were women. Like like when I talk about systemic racism and I talk about white supremacy and as a woman Marina Crane (53:01.504) As a woman and I and the crisis of murdered and missing indigenous women, I I've always like from that time on, I always made sure that whoever I was with I would have a backup. I would have somebody there backing me up so so if I met somebody who hated me without even knowing me that that somebody would back me up. And the critical thing is like like recently, like when as an elder when I'm invited to pray, they offer me tobacco. I come into that space. Well it's gotten to the point now where I have to the people who invite me, I have to say to them, You you have to protect me when I come into this space. Whoever you've invited into this space, some of those young indigenous people might be projecting their hate onto me because they have issues with indigenous female and what I represent. They won't even know me. I'm a total stranger, but they'll take their anger out on me. I said it's just the reality of being an indigenous elder woman. I can't even comprehend what it's like to be an indigenous young woman. Now the reality of it is it's not the same with indigenous men. An indigenous man can go around like my my brother could go around and invite people to come to his house and get into a a teepee and you know he thinks he's like some holy man. With indigenous men it's different. You know, they th they can play like they're some holy man. And that's why I said with Nathan Chasing Horse, he got away with that. He got away with that because there was so because it's acceptable. But see, people don't realize that, and especially men who who who who have a pipe or pray and and they're offered tobacco and then and they and they see a woman come into that space and and somebody offers that woman tobacco. Those men are intimidated. And yet they don't realize that. That walking into that same space has a different a different k a kick on it. For them, they they'll be respected. For them, they'll be honored, but for a woman, they'd be hated, even if they don't even know that woman. So so that's the difference. That's colonial ways of thinking and constructs of of gender violence. So it's so subtle and so sublime. That's why for me, doing what I do, even within my family. Marina Crane (55:25.56) keeping structure like I said to my nephew. I for a whole decade I I haven't talked for thirteen years now I haven't talked to my brother. I don't need to be in an argument with him, my Mormon brother. I don't my Mormon sister. I d I don't need to you know boundaries. I have boundaries with them. I I just need like I said to him, I have peace. I'm at peace. I don't need to get involved with whatever they're planning. But but for me I had to they ha I I had to they had to have my signature to to appro to approve and I was just one of the siblings. So I I told my nephew, here, take it, I approve. I said because I'm an elder. Whatever whatever's going to happen, I'm gonna be six feet underground. You know, and and the fact that the fact that, you know, my siblings are already are already treating me that way. It's heartbreaking. And and I told my nephew, they they they're they're the ones who are suffering because they they don't know who who I am. They they don't wanna interact with me. They don't wanna they don't wanna challenge my values and beliefs and what I understand. And I'm their sister, I'm their older sister. I'm their older sister who who's never married, who's never had children. I'm I'm the older sister who's never been involved in family violence. Like I'm the older sister who's never you know, been on Skid Row selling my sorry ass. You know, I'm I'm the older sister who's never, you know, been a chronic drunk begging for money so I could buy alcohol or booze. I've never been like I'm I'm the older sister who's never put a needle up her arm. All the stereotypes, all the horrific shame and guilt of what it is to be an indigenous woman and you they project it onto me. without even and I'm their sister. So yes, I can say all these things and I can underst and I can try and explain. It's such an unconscious thing that people don't even know they're doing it because it's so they just they don't realize that that that they're they're doing this. This is part of their the way they think and they're seniors. Marina Crane (57:47.638) So yes, I I'm I'm trying to say this to educate young people too. It it's it's it's just the intergenerational trauma and and one's inability to to heal. So and I and I I don't know I'm I don't want this podcast to be a pessimistic thing. I I am who I am and I'm trying to help as many people understand what intergenerational trauma is because I sure as hell didn't know. I sure as hell didn't know. I could point the finger at my former chief sister denying she's indigenous. But there look at my two my brother and sister. You know, Mormon church when you die and you go to heaven, you your skin transforms to whiteness. You you know, you you go into the celestial kingdom, you know, like you're there for, you know, like happy la la la. You know geez, what can I say? You know, this is life and you know the the beauty of life and and what life has to offer us just in the most simple simplest things. You know, instead of making it so horrible because because someone isn't controlling another person. So anyway, I wanted to do just a quick podcast on this because like I said, it it's it's an emotional thing for me. It's a very emotional for me because other times I I would have a therapist that I would call or or or I had a forensic psychologist I would call who wasn't my therapist, just just somebody I would call. And or or I I'd have a a a white friend I'd call. And You know, the reality of it is like in in my prayers when I ask Creator to to embrace me with protective, reflective, healing energy, I also ask Creator to release me from self defeating ideology like ideologies or or i idolations or illusions or delusions or reality of what I think because because that's creator and grandmother and grandfather's will. Marina Crane (59:59.114) I I I don't know why I have to do these things and the reasoning why it's it's so heartbreaking. But but for me, trying to let people know what it feels like, what it feels like to to have such hate projected onto you when all you're all I've ever tried to do is just keep keep my boundaries, keep peace within myself. and and just live the l best life I have for the remain remainder of my life. I I don't like Like I said, it's Marina Crane (01:00:48.898) Like I said to my nephew and and even my brother, my other brother. And he said, You know, we can't change can't change people. And and so, you know, like that's why I'm saying here I am in tears, knowing like I can't change I can't change my brother and my sister who are Mormon. I can't. They're they're set in their ways. This this is this is who they are right until the the bitter end when they leave this world. And and and the sad reality of it is like all I can remember of them now is is just what I knew of them when we were growing up. Because they they refuse to to treat me to treat me good. They refuse to to look at me as if I'm you know, a a a human being. You know, it it's it's sad that that whatever stereotype or their values and beliefs and what they see me as. Like and I don't really know if they think like I know the the one sister thinks I'm gay. So what? So what if I'm gay? You know, if my brother thinks I'm a pedophile so what if I'm a pedophile? You know, like I like I'm telling you all the things things when it comes to s restorative justice or just understanding the psychology of human behavior. Marina Crane (01:02:15.284) I you know, I I don't know what else I can do. You know, I d I don't know what else I can help people with. And maybe that's one of the reasons I do what I do is because I know it's a losing battle for me trying to even educate my own brother and my own sister. I can't I can't change the way they see me. And I'm grateful for those people who've had glimpses of who I am throughout my life. Marina Crane (01:02:54.988) if if I can help anybody and and do things to help people. And and for brief moments, you know, I I do get that. I do get certain thank yous from certain people. And and I do like I I appreciate the the people who do listen to me on YouTube and and on my podcast and also on my blog. I'm I'm grateful. It's it's like I said, The ability to heal oneself takes takes takes a huge community. And and so even though I've disclosed what I I have with you, understand this. The ripple effect of everything that I've been doing isn't just with within the podcast, it's within my community as well. So it just doesn't stay stagnant. It it's it's it's got a life of its own. So so understand that. It's it's important to to to tell your truth. It's important to talk about how you feel, e even if it's even if it's so po painful and and even if it's something that has been repeated throughout your entire life. Like I explained to my nephew, I said he you know, when he says he says I stay sober maybe two weeks and my job keeps me sober. And I said to him, I said, it gets a little easier each time that that you in recovery and relapse and I said it it's an ongoing process. It it it's it it becomes easier. So you know like talking and dealing with people who, you know, are coming from different ways of living and different ways of knowing things. It it's it's it's important it's important that that we're there to listen. And if I can like I like I said, most of most of the young people who I do talk to I'm very fortunate that they're in the arts community, that they're two spirited or or that they are like I like I said, a lot of times I hear a lot of information from educated lawyers, Indigenous lawyers, and and so I I'm educating myself, even even as old as I am, to to, you know, bring information to you, my audience, and how it applies to me as an Indigenous woman, as an Indigenous elder. Marina Crane (01:05:21.866) So with that I hope I've helped you understand and and hopefully like my next podcast isn't gonna be such a cheer a tear jerker because like I said, I've I've had to go through this. It's like a a relapse this week and and I've had to struggle with this. And and it's okay. Like I said, this isn't my first rodeo. This is my and like what I say, those aren't my monkeys, it's not my circus. Or or the analogy as as the fry bread burns. You know, it's it's just you gotta find gotta find humor and stuff. Can't can't let things weigh you down to the point where you feel like giving up. So hopefully like if if you're struggling with addictions, you know, just know that be kind to yourself. If you feel shame and guilt of whatever you've gone through, it that shame and guilt will will will will stop because you'll you'll get over it, but you have to be patient with yourself and show yourself some love. It it's it's a process that we carry with us right until we're our very last breath. Okay, so have a good day. I said like I wanted to get this out I before I go into town and get something something like treat myself with something delicious. Okay Adios amigos amigos.