Thank you for sharing this. What comes through most strongly is that this is not just a podcast about Remembrance Day. It's a reflection on memory, family, love, trauma, healing, aging, and community.
A few major themes stand out:
Honoring your father's legacy. You describe your father as a World War II veteran, a soldier, community member, volunteer, hockey coach, and provider. A central concern is that fewer people remain who remember him personally, and you feel a responsibility as his oldest daughter to preserve and tell his story.
Family love stories. You recount the stories of your grandparents, your parents, and your younger sister. Each story emphasizes commitment, risk, and connection rather than idealized romance. The thread running through them is that ordinary people built families through courage and faith in one another.
Community and belonging. You repeatedly return to the importance of community ties, growing up surrounded by relatives, elders, and shared memories. You contrast that with the isolation many people experience today.
Healing versus unresolved pain. A large portion of the podcast reflects on sexual assault, closure, forgiveness, and what happens when trauma remains unaddressed. Your argument is that healing matters, not only for personal well-being but also because unresolved hurt can affect families and communities for generations.
Emotional intimacy. You distinguish emotional intimacy from physical intimacy and reflect on how people seek connection as they age. You suggest that learning emotional closeness is an important lifelong practice.
Aging, mortality, and gratitude. Your discussion of your sisters' health, advance planning, living independently, and your own mortality ultimately leads to gratitude. Despite hardship, you express appreciation for having lived long enough to tell these stories.
If I were to summarize the overall message in a single sentence, it would be:
"Remember the people who came before us, tell their stories honestly, seek healing rather than bitterness, and cherish the relationships and communities that sustain us throughout life."
For a spoken podcast, the material is deeply personal and heartfelt. If your goal is to reach a wider audience, you might consider organizing it into clearer sections (your father's military service, family love stories, healing and closure, and reflections on aging), which would make the powerful stories easier for listeners to follow.
And one thing that comes through clearly: this is ultimately an act of remembrance. Not only of your father, but of the people, experiences, and relationships that shaped your life.
Marina Crane (00:01.528)
Good evening. Marina Crane here, November 10th. Why am I doing this and why do I want to watch this live? Ugh, questions. Live with Marina Crane. Let's try that. Okay. Yikes, what does it say? Show. again to I do not Okay. So I'm not doing video. I tried to do video and it just seemed all grainy and whatnot.
Why am I doing this video before November eleventh? Because tomorrow I I think I'll be busy. my father was a World War Two veteran and should he have lived, he would have been a hundred years old this year because he was born in nineteen twenty n twenty-six. joined the when the war broke out, he was four thirteen. He enlisted when he was eighteen and stood standby until the war ended in
the fall of nineteen forty six or the fall of nineteen forty five actually. He was discharged from the military in nineteen forty-six in I think in the winter or in the spring. So and at twenty-three, so he see was twenty. And at twenty-three he married my mother and in nineteen fifty my older brother was born.
And in fifty two I was born. A lot of times, when I think about my father and people in in my community like they don't know who my father was unless unless you're sixty five or sixty like the if you're unless you're one of the two hundred and thirty elders in the community, nobody would know who my father was. So so is it important for me to go and talk about my father's life in the military? I think so. Only because
A lot of people I'll use an example and I and I don't want to make fun of it, but in some ways it we have to make fun of things that are really disheartening because you know, I have sisters who've worked lived off reserve, lived off of indigenous community, away from community, including myself. I lived away for sixteen years. And my one sister who's seventy-three, she's lived away for fifty years. And then my younger sister, gee, thirty.
Marina Crane (02:28.481)
30 years, give or give or take 25. And so I have a brother, some brothers like the and like it's the dichotomy or the how do I sort of the the rationale about the caste system and community is is so dynamic because people don't realize like what it means in terms of even defining gender.
Okay, so why am I publishing this e this podcast at such a late, late night? And why do I want it live? my goodness, the things I will put myself through. My father was stationed a standby from nineteen forty-five to nineteen forty forty-five or nineteen forty-four to nineteen forty-six. And in that period he was
sent to Aurelio, Ontario as standby twice. The first time was in the spring, and and that's when the year Germany Germany surrendered. So he was on standby in Aurelio, Ontario, and Germany surrendered. So they shipped this whole these whole the all these indigen all these
military back into BC because they s they they didn't want to deploy them because Germany had surrendered. While in BC, J Japan was still at war. So they shipped them back to Aurelia, Ontario as standby to ship them overseas. Now in the whole process of all this, my father when he enlisted, like on his his service record, he he was taught basic combat training. That means, you know, in combat how to fight and how to kill the enemy.
A and that's a distinction, you know, like 'cause I've I've b I'm old enough to have fallen in love with a a Vietnam deserter, you know, who who who just got sick and tired of living in the United States and ran into Canada and and I met him when I when I was eighteen. my whole life I've had some sort of affinity or attachment to the military.
Marina Crane (04:39.252)
I I think military the the energy that they carry, it's just something innate in me that I that I sense only because I I had a father and only because I remember him spit polishing his shoes for military inspection, wearing a kilt, you know, p marching on the parade with Highlanders blowing their bagpipes,
you know, just doing organizations for the former premier, what was his name? Sykes. Rod Sykes was the mayor of Calgary at the time and my father helped organize the Highlanders band to welcome the Chancellor of Germany into the city of Calgary at the Palliser Hotel. My father did a lot of work too on radio and TV as guest as a guest. And he also
did volunteer work for the Calgary Public School and he did a lot of volunteer work for for hockey 'cause my older brother he wanted my older brother to play hockey. And so a lot of the money that my father received, you you gotta understand, okay, he was eighteen and then at twenty he was released from military service. Married my mu my mother at twenty-three.
and then rejoined into the patricia light infantry in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. And in order to understand the regiment or the qu what happens when you join the Patri Patricia Light Infantry, Google it, find out. and he he and he he worked as a as a soldier. So we had he had income. We were we were like we lived off the land
We you know, we had mattresses and beds to sleep on.
Marina Crane (06:32.799)
whatever low income he had as a as a soldier we lived off of. Understand this, a lot of the indigenous men didn't have jobs. They didn't have employment. This they were the same age as my father. Even, you know, were were born and raised in Soutina like my father. Because a lot of people tend to forget my father was born and raised here in Soutinna. And and for me, when it comes to Remembrance Day, it's almost as if they, you know, poo poo it that he didn't even grow up here because he's been dead forty
Years now. he died when he was 52, very young. like I said, I'm I'm I've got another 25 years before I reach 100. But should he have lived, he would be a hundred years this year. And and should he have lived and been able to tell his story, then I wouldn't be here talking about him and the significance of his life.
the reason I'm saying this and I gotta put a little humor in this. My sister and I, we talk about this because, you know, you live in a community where a lot of people have there's a lot of lateral violence, a lot of jealousy, a lot of hate and spite and gossip and
Just really mean, mean vindictive storytelling. And and I put up with it. I I I do. I have a childhood friend who claims she doesn't talk to this woman who's six years older than me, and this woman claims to be some sort of half sister or half cousin of mine. Like yikes yikes.
My all my si all my uncles and aunties, except like for the ones who I've grown up with, the ones who were married in, my one aunt is still alive. But the reality of it is like this is my father's legacy. I'm his oldest daughter. I'm my grandfather's oldest granddaughter. I'm I'm right now I'm the oldest grandchild. and all the other grandchildren fall underneath me.
Marina Crane (08:33.515)
So whatever stories I have about how my father, his father, my grandfather, came to be registered on Soutina, how he was adopted into Soutina by Chief Joseph Bigplume, and and then how he eventually married Mary Little One Spot. And I think Little was her first married name, and her father was David One Spot.
And and so she died in childbirth. Now aga again, I don't want to go into the legacy of it because I've done this before in other podcasts that are on on this. I had an interview, like it's on video, so th that particular video will sh will talk about the history of my my grandfather George Crane.
I'm talking about my father right now. And so he took part in rodeo. He you know, we raised used to have h hot dogs.
one of the men who one of the elderly men now, I said like over the age of s sixty and over two hundred and thirty five of us or thirty four of us and the ones who actually grew up here, some married in who are still elders that didn't know even know my father. But the ones who do remember my late father remember him as like a coach, a hockey coach. And the one fellow said, We enjoyed coming to your home, Marina because we'd flush the toilet and we'd see the water swirling down because nobody had indoor facilities, central heating.
Nothing. My father w however he managed to to get loans or anything from from in the city, he he used that to to build these to build to install plumbing as well as central heating and he and he helped his cousin Pete to do the same thing. So there just the two cousins had had central heating and plumbing. The first in Souton that they paid for. Get this they paid for it. The lateral
Marina Crane (10:28.561)
violence and the jealousy that was probably press put pressure on the Indian agent to have these central heating and plumbing in buildings, especially in Suutina, started probably what like gee, 1963, 1962. But but my father and his cousin were the first. And
But but again too, a lot of this narrative that I talk about, I I didn't really know like my neighbors or you know, like the older people who are six, seven, even ten years older than me, and just how poor people were. Poor that even though they had a father, they they they didn't have the money to get beds and slept on the floors. I I mean there was like really I don't understand the poverty. My father was in the military and sh yes he had access
to drinking alcohol when when other indigenous people couldn't have it. you know he he did a lot of things in the military because again understand this he enlisted when he was eighteen and the war ended when he was nineteen and he was released from his his duties when he was twenty. Reenlisted after the age of twenty-three while and married my mother and had eight children. How he met my mother
Is is another story. So I wanna I want to I want to give the background of my grandparents and my father and then even my sister. And this is a love story. Okay, these are love stories. It's important to understand love when I talk about healthy human sexuality. So my grandmother and again even my mother when they were young women they worked on ranches. They were they were basically hired help, like when we when we talk about slavery.
Like indigenous people were no not allowed to be doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs. We were we were the hired help. y you know, like ha poo poo and hip hip and all this other stiff upper lip colonial jargon of British British royalty and shit like that.
Marina Crane (12:38.246)
I mean I'm I'm making fun, I'm being sarcastic, pardon me, but the r reality of it is like my grandmother had a half brother and she had, I think, four other siblings, half half siblings. And her brother picked her up from the farmhouse she was working at on the weekend to go and see a rodeo in the little town of Brandon, Manitoba.
At the time there was a rodeo going on and my grandfather George Crane Baptiste
was had already been a n a nation member on Sue Tina formerly known as SARC because he was adopted in by by Joe Bigplume. And he his first wife was Mary Wanspot. And she died in childbirth. So when he met my grandmother, he was single. And you have to understand too, there's there's a the the the understanding of human sexuality, h his wife had died.
And and even then like when I when I talk about prostitution and human trafficking and like understand a l a lot of the women had to support their children so they prostituted or else just prostituted in in other words. So it's no fault of my grandfather George Crane suspecting that his son wasn't his son when he when his wife dial died in childbirth.
So so my grandfather didn't raise his oldest son, supposedly his oldest son, allegedly his oldest son. However, when he met my grandmother Daisy, he met her at the Brandon Fair. Now the way my aunt, my late aunt, talks about it, my late Auntie Doris, bless her heart, she says, I don't know what happened. My you know, my aunt Auntie Daisy went to the rodeo and
Marina Crane (14:32.279)
She met George George Crane there, and whatever happened that weekend, I don't know, she says because it's a two-day event. She came home Sunday to work the following Monday at the farmhouse. And she said, she says, now my grandmother, she's not my grandmother, she says my Aunt Daisy, my grandmother, that's my grandmother, Auntie Doris's Auntie. She says, Yes, Auntie, Auntie Daisy went to the went to the farmhouse. That next morning, she saw George Crane walking on the gravel.
Road to her farmhouse. Now I don't know if he brought her home the Sunday before or what the arrangement was. She said he sh she just saw him walking down the driveway. And there was my grandmother, bless her heart, a young woman in love. She packed her suitcase and it was already packed that morning. She just picked it up, didn't even give notice to the farm the farmer and his wife that she was leaving their employment.
And and just walked out the door, met my grandfather halfway down the road and and that's the end of that story. She ended up coming to Sarsee, Calgary, Alberta, having four four sons with my grandfather George Crane. And he in turn died in a blizzard, froze to death. And and my grandmother had these children to raise, and she she married my grandfather George Crane's best friend, who was David Crowchild. So the only grandfather I
Known my entire life has been David Crowchild. Now that's the love story of my grandmother, Daisy DeWan Crochile, Crane Crochile, and her marriage to her first husband was with George Baptiste Crane, who had been adopted into Sutina by Joseph Bigplum, whose father-in-law was the late David One Spot, a very old traditional man.
And and most of my grandpa George's relatives were Nakota Sioux, who had also married into Soutina with with the Magi with the Simeons and the Miniwounds and the Little Bears. So understand this too, you he was also part Cree. So there's also the Simons that were related to in Soutina.
Marina Crane (16:49.185)
Now, a lot of this is man stuff, okay? This isn't talking about matriarchy because my grandmother was married in and the same with my mother. So the difference is I'm matriarchal because I was raised here. Now my mother and my father's story is another different love story. So my mother was in Elkhorn Residential School, really horrific school. You've got to understand when I say my uncle, my dad's all of them, that age group, like my father would be a hundred right now, when they grew up, they were beaten.
Up by white people, like people in those Indian residential schools. And so their hatred or their fear of white people was really entrenched in them. And so my mother remembers, like she said, we were outside in Elkhorn, and there was a railroad track, like on the prairies. This was a small little hick town, probably about an hour and a half west of Brandon, Manitoba.
So she said that the train stopped because they were being deployed to Aurelio, Ontario. Like he was deployed twice into Aurelio, Ontario. One of the trips going east, they stopped at Elkhorn, Manitoba, and all the soldiers had chocolate bars and all the indigenous kids gathered around the train and they were handing out chocolate bars. And my mother distinctly remembers my dad because he gave her a chocolate bar.
Talk about what? Was it love at first sight? Who knows? But what happened is after he was depl
was released of his duties when he was twenty. He went to Manitoba to Sioux Valley and there he fell in love with one of one of my mom's cousins and she rejected my father. So my father was on the rebound with my mother, so my mother says. Now Aunt my Aunt Dora says this is the love story. She says it was blizzarding outside. Your father came to to our door I remember my parents opening the hot the door so they could be warm
Marina Crane (18:47.937)
There was your mother. She says she was had this long coat on and it was just cold out. The wind was just blowing. You could hardly see people walking down the road. It was so cold. She says, and there was your father and mother eloping to Calgary, g h walking to the Trans Canada. So you gotta understand from Sioux Valley to the Trans Canada, like it's a fifteen minute drive now.
Okay, but imagine that they had to walk it in gravel.
So so my aunt says, yeah, they they they they were saying they were in love. They were gonna he was gonna take her to Sarce, marry her, you know, all that. She says, so I remember seeing seeing my cousin walking down the road with your mom. She says, and we lot we lost sight of them because the snow and the blizzard was going on until it was complete white out. So she says, We didn't know if your father and mother made it safely back to Calgary or Soutina. She says until like weeks and months later. So she said that was the love.
Story. She says, you know, just blindly, you know, hooking up as a pair and and going home to make a family. So George Crane Baptiste married my gr my my grandmother do Daisy Dewan Crane, and they had children in Sutina, born and raised. My father was born and raised here. And then my father, when he was deployed,
to to stand in waiting to be deployed, met my mother, went back after he was released from military service, hitchhiked all the way back to Calgary in a blizzard with my mother to establish a family here in Sarcee in Soutina in Calgary and had eight children. That's a love story. Like imagine, could you imagine being young and just hooking up with someone over the weekend going
Marina Crane (20:44.418)
let's live together and they just do it. You know, for me I'm going, wait, hold on. I got my car, got my car insurance, I have my health insurance, I've got this, I think that like, hey, I have a list of things to do that will stop me from being in a relationship. Back in the day they didn't.
Now my younger sister's love story, she there used there's a ranch ranchman's, it's called it's a it's a cowboy bar. And she says, her and my our cousin went there. And this guy, his I think his name was Devin or something, he came up to my sister and he says, Are you Mark's sister? And Eleanor says, Yes. And and then Scott came up to her and she's he says, do you want to dance? And she says, I'll only dance with you if it's a if it's a song.
If it's achy breaky heart. And I laughed when I heard this story. I thought, yeah, that right, achy breakey heart. Like what a what a tough, tough song. He has to wait for it to come on before you dance with him. Like I guess I must have trained her well. Okay. So what the hell happened? So the next day she w you know, like she said, I she said she she went back to the ranchments and there he was.
And an achy breaky heart came on, so she danced with him. Now, when he brought her back off the dance floor, he says, You see that woman standing over there?
And my sister said, Yeah and he says she said, Last time when you told me that you wouldn't dance with me unless achy breaky heart came on, I didn't know how to dance. He said, I asked that woman to teach me how to dance two step. She said, So we went outside the ranchman's and she taught me how to stew two step. So so here I am. I've I've danced with you two step, but if you see why that woman is looking at me, it's because she probably thinks I wanna hook up with her. But I wanna tell you that the only reason I danced with her is so that I could learn how to dance
Marina Crane (22:40.279)
I could ask you to dance. And my sister, that was the clincher. She says, that was the clincher. That was that was it. She was in love with him, bang. So you know, so
The what do you call that in that artistic voice, it's a cautionary tale. Like even my podcast when I say a cautionary tale on healthy human sexuality, like every excuse now to not be physically intimate. And I I know when I talk to my childhood friends and I say, you know, as we age and hopefully during the whole process of if you're in a relationship or even if you're not, because the whole pressure when my parents went to South America.
And India. The first time they went to South America, I got sick. I almost died. I was eight.
And the second time they went to India we stayed with five women, single white women, who had a house. And at the time I didn't know white women couldn't own a house or couldn't own a credit card. So so they had to be like in a coven or a co like a group of women in order for them to even live by themselves without being married, without physical intimacy. The pressure to conform was so great that I didn't understand that. But it but it but knowing that women could live and be happy.
without men. I like I saw that when I was age 10. And so the whole notion of the other or or like a duality in terms of certain women had certain rights and that's a hard concept to understand if you've never ever experienced it. But at the same time too this whole notion of love and intimacy
Marina Crane (24:30.528)
and the practice of intimacy without physical intimacy. I think it's the dismantling the the male the the we'll call the human mind to z to dismantle intimacy as something physical.
when it's something emotional that we have to learn how to deal with. And as we age, especially as we grow older and and develop dementia, if we do have if we have not had any c concept of of limerence or or what's that word, erodomania, if we have not dealt with our healing process with these core values and beliefs around intimacy, when we become old
and our minds are aging and we're looking for intimacy, if we haven't had a practice of emotional intimacy, we're going to be gravitating to physical intimacy.
Okay, so I'll use an example, two stories of elderly couples, elderly people in nursing homes during the pandemic. So children put their parents in a nursing home and they were surprised that their mother became promiscuous in the nursing home, slept with all of the eld all the elderly men. They were surprised and shocked. But yet the reality of the aging mind, especially with a woman who who was always sub submissive submissive and and was serving their husbands.
for pleasure. That's all she knows. Physical intimacy. Like at at what point at what point in the relationship did they have emotional intimacy without the physical because it showed up w when they were in a nursing home with an aged brain. The the other example is these men put their father in a nursing home and in the middle of the dining room he gets up and he yells, I want sex
Marina Crane (26:27.562)
And and so they had to bring in his sons and they had to figure out how they're going to help this elderly man deal with his the aging and being alone in you know, in care in a nursing home. so what they did is they bought him an iPad, got him hooked up to the internet and and subscribed him to porn, a porn site, so he could have that dopamine rush.
that that sex that dopamine rush so he that's how he managed to cope with like wanting that physical intimacy so so the whole notion of of intimacy does play a big deal as we're aging. So for me if if I'm in limerant with with with some man and and I have issues of eroti that man too it's up to me
to to balance that out because there's no fallacy in in thinking about that man. And and so what is what are you talking about? When I talk about sing being single, I'm just not talking about females too. There is a part of grieving because we're sexual beings. And so even though we're not physically involved intimately
we're still actively emotionally intimate, even within ourselves. So when we go through that process, it's a grieving process. And and so we have to learn how to grieve every day as we age. That in itself takes away the equation of like like the erotomania where you start going into things that are become clinical.
which which which has to do with a lot of forensic and all this diagnostic stuff. And you know, and that goes into the deep psychology of things that why people need medication.
Marina Crane (28:21.944)
However, at the same time too, it's important for people to understand limerence. Every human being experiences limerence. No ifs, buts, or anything about it. I do not care, but people think that's my opinion. That is my opinion. However, in in my previous podcast, when I'm talking about Nathan Chasey Morrison how how the dynamics of erotomania and limerence plays into the predator as well as into the victims.
like it's important to understand the nature of of li the nature of coercion or the nature of shame and guilt and how it plays a huge impact on us.
So for whatever reason you you don't deal with these things as you're aging, as you're in a relationship, as you're trying to have contact, physical intimacy with not not just physical intimacy, but if you give up physical intimacy like I did 50 years ago, the only option I have is emotional intimacy. And as as as I've grown up and started visiting and talking to other women, I and again, I don't like I I really truly
believe even if you try to understand a person's religious beliefs, their values and beliefs. And I'll use my sister's example. Like she's a devout Mormon for fifty years or more. And and there's also so many things about the religious cult
like their values and beliefs. I mean, I studied, I had to go, I had to do like it's just like going to Catholic school. You have to learn about Catholicism and the Bible and et cetera. It's the same thing with Mormonism. You've got to learn the their scriptures and study that. And and I always say, you know, learn these things because you need to and I use it just sort of flippantly. Know your enemy. Know their values and beliefs.
Marina Crane (30:18.123)
because I made the mistake of saying to my sister that I valued the intimacy of women. And and bless her Mormon heart, for decades now she's been gossiping about me being a lesbian because I can find it in her that I liked intimacy with women. Not even questioning why I came up with this conclusion.
Not even understanding the reasoning for it is that men have a difficult time being intimate with women. The it's really hard for them because they want physical intimacy. Hello, one plus one equals two. I'm trying to say I there are more women who will talk about, you know, their feelings
Like even if it's talking about their ex-husband or their children, anything that has to do with their values and beliefs, that it that's intimacy. But but to misconstrue it and to not understand. And it's the same thing too now with media social media and and a lot of older men realizing that there are a lot of older women who don't want to have physical intimacy. A lot of older women want to have emotional intimacy with men.
But but a lot of women just don't want or have the time to train men around emotional intimacy. You know, and these men are lonely.
I think there there's there's more of the entitlement, like I am entitled to physical intimacy. And there's a lot of women who have gone through menopause and they're going, No, I'm that hormone isn't isn't isn't overwhelming, that hormone isn't giving driving me to the addiction of physical intimacy. I don't have that anymore. That submissive role playing with male and female physical intimacy. A lot of women step back and say, No, I don't want to participate in it. And there's a lot of
Marina Crane (32:14.345)
Older men who are just going, What? And they're going, Well, I used to be useful youthful youthful. I used to I
If I was in the Olympics of having sexual intercourse, I would have won a gold medal. Like that's how many times they were sexually active phys in physical intimacy. Because again, their hormones override s emotional intimacy. And this older fellow is saying, you know, as you're older and the more you sit in that space, that uncomfortable space, you you need to sit in it. You've got to live in it. you have no choice.
And and I I think the whole point too is like to practice emotional intimacy.
I I think sometimes like I had a forensic psychologist who was a friend of mine for over thirty years and and so I thought like we were, you know, what do you call in emotionally intimate. You know, we'd have meetings and like we'd talk. Sometimes he'd stay talking with me for five, six hours. His wife would call and say, Are you coming home for supper? So there is the emotional intimacy. Like I said, I practice emotional intimacy.
and at the same time too, there there were s times when I really felt like I'd like physical intimacy. But the whole nego negotiating and mediation over values and beliefs with men is is outrageous because they really have a difficult time understanding that that I have I have a say in what I enjoy.
Marina Crane (33:51.326)
And and if it intimidates women as well, that's not my fault. And and I I think sometimes as women, like my childhood friend, she despises this one woman who's six years older than me, tells me to n to like repeatedly she doesn't like her and then the other day what did she do? She hooked up with that same woman to talk about me.
And then I was late for meeting her, but I saw that woman who's six years older than me come out of the building. And today she says, did you see her? And I said, Yeah, but I also saw so and so. But but I w but again too, this woman that's that's my childhood friend, she worked in customs for over thirty years. How she was trained to interrogate people. Hey, she wants to use that same strategy with me. Go ahead. Go ahead.
I have nothing to lose at this point in my life. talk about me all you want. The reality of it is like I just do not really care. The amount of rewards that I get in in who I am. As my younger sister told me th repeatedly this this week, d don't share too much of yourself. Be on guard.
And as much as I joke with my younger sister about death and dying and my childhood friend said to me, Have you prepared like when you die? And I said, Yes, I have a will and she said, She has a will. And and you know, I like it's it's like the other day my sister ended up in the ICU. She's seventy three. Put a breathing tube down her. The next day they took the tube out of her and she was awake.
Now, when you have the when you're got a code card, what you're going to do, you know, if you have a heart attack or you or you die, like do you want to be resuscitated? So that question was asked about my sister and my younger sister told the nurse, Yes, sh you know, do CPR on her.
Marina Crane (35:55.021)
Like we know the outcome when you when you're older and you get C PR, you're you're gonna end up with more home care needs than if you didn't. And and I like I said to my sister, I you know, I I know coding, I'd sooner get CPR than than than not be resuscitated. I said that maybe when I'm getting a little older, closer to eighty, I'd change my my my card and my will. But but the reality of it is like when you reach a certain age, the hospital in the
Doctors already have these protocols for your age group. And so that's what I was saying to my childhood friend just this evening. And even today, like with my sister, my younger sister, we were talking, and I said, Well, these things I I already do. I said, even when I went to Las Vegas, I I got my travel insurance, like my I made sure I had the doctor fill out my code card, so I carried it with me with my with my medication. And the fellow that traveled with
me, I gave him my my hotel room key. like because even though like because if there was an emergency and I had a heart attack and I would I could text him and say I need help. He could come into my room with the key. But at the same time too I neglected to tell him that I had a code card so that so that when they go through my medication they would see it that I want to be resuscitated. So these things I have to practice when I'm traveling and I'm
single and I'm you know living independently because I live alone I live alone here I have I have a life alert bracelet you know I I have access to the tribal police and they'll come at a drop of a hat. I am like I'm secure I'm really blessed. I know a lot of single people a lot of single people women don't have what I have. I I know that because I've had enough time talking to to older women and like I was saying to
my childhood friend, I said to her, I stopped gambling. I said, Well there are certain addictions where you have to ease off, like alcohol and drugs you ease off. porn you ease off. I said, but there are certain addictions where you just have to go cold turkey. And I said, and for me gambling is one of those addictions, human addictions, where you have to just go cold turkey. That's it.
Marina Crane (38:18.957)
She says, Well, how long have you been off? And I said, Well, I didn't even gamble, like until I was in my mid fifties. I said, and even then, like the fact that I haven't been sexually active in fifty years, just cold turkey, it's not it's not something that that what don't think I can handle.
So a lot of these things that I'm learning later on in life, 'cause like I said, I most of the time when I look at obituaries, like there's people dying in their fifties, sixties, even in their forties, like my brother in law died at forty nine. My you know, my father died at fifty two. My uncle, one of them died at sixty one, the other one died at thirty five. My younger brother died at thirty five. You know, I've c it's my my older brother died at sixty nine. So
Yeah.
as as we age and as we try to take care of ourselves both physically and mentally, it it's it's up to us to do it and to form social intimacies with people, with total strangers, because at a moment when it's our time to leave this earth, we're going to have to have some emotional intimacy with with someone who's going to be there holding our hand, taking our last breath. And and y there's a certain point where you just think, Okay, I'm gonna do this.
I am going to travel or I'm gonna like go go and have a meal. Little things that that I took for granted when I was younger. I I don't now that I'm older. And the fact that my sister is still recovering in the hospital from pneumonia. I you know, and I have another sister who's lived with lupus for over 20 years, 30 years. Yeah, I've known a a younger woman, she passed away a few years ago. She lived with
Marina Crane (40:10.148)
Mm-hmm.
And and she lived right until she was like in her sixties. So all things considering, we don't know when it's her time and we don't know how like what we're how we're going to react with things. But I do know that when I plan things I have to be very cautious and you know make sure that I I'm have the capacity to do things. So I wanted to just talk about the love stories with my grandfather, my parents, and my younger sister. I know everybody has their cur
it the creation story. When you got together and you started creating life. And I I don't know. I like I said, I fell in love when I was eighteen and I just turned eighteen. And if there was anybody out there who could search for him, but I I'm pretty sure he's passed away. He was from California and he had deserted
He had served in Vietnam and he j just didn't want to get deployed back like he I think he was on r a relief when he came back from Vietnam and I think he was gonna get be sent back again and he just took off with his friends into Canada, into Vancouver.
and the the thing about it is like strategically it was just an influx of draft dodgers and draft deserters and and runaways all landing in Vancouver. And the fact when I jokingly say I think he was an alien, only because of the experience I had with him was was really profound and the fact that
Marina Crane (41:55.723)
the police were were actually had surveillance on me because of how dangerous he was. And and that's why I say I don't think he I don't think he lived that much longer because the things that he had to do just to survive on the streets of Vancouver, especially after he's been had been deployed in Vietnam and had killed. That's why I say when my father was trained in combat service to kill
like like the ch the the family friend Dakota Dakota Lakota man named Jim killed thirty-eight Vietnamese when he was in Vietnam. And he said to me, Marina, as to say anything bad about somebody, to gossip about somebody, he said that's how easy it is to kill a human being. And and and for Jim to educate me on
how mean people can be, how cruel. Like I already thought about lateral violence and all the gossip around me, trying to discredit me, trying to make me look that I w like I was insane. when Jim came into my life and he was here, friends with my family, and he talked about how people would pray bad for people. And I thought, how could people do this? How could people do this?
And I'll tell you the story like how it manifested it how he how these hung prayers manifest themselves. But I but I want to reiterate some things about the serial rapists that that had they had they had over ten victims in in my community and I was the youngest, and that the RCP had a record of all of them that they had stood in front of the judge.
s thirty some odd years ago and told the judge that I wasn't the only victim, but the other victims, over ten, maybe twelve of the women, refused to have their names exposed or even come forward to to press charges. They were they the RCMP told the judge they refused to come forward. now, what does it have to do with hung prayers?
Marina Crane (44:14.751)
Okay, if I was bitter and spiteful and I wanted revenge or retaliation, that's not why I took this man to court. I had our it was already twenty years. Twenty years had passed.
I li you know, and and again, all the things that I was doing in my life to get an education had nothing to do with this serial rapist. But I wanted closure. And when we talk about closure with Nathan Chasing Morse, I've gone through different measures of closure in my life. But to have closure, taking this man to court was was something where I could face him and say, You hurt me just a simple sentence of you hurt me. And this is how you hurt me.
Like it it was at the point where where I was so backed up against the wall that I thought if I ever got sexually assaulted I would kill the perpetrator. It wasn't the fact of the f like what they forced me to do. And if it triggers you, I apologize. It wasn't that fact. It wasn't the fact that the guy beat me up
Like like the first punch I was unconscious and he he obviously he kept on hitting me, which I'm grateful I wasn't awake to feel it. That that that wasn't the the the main cause of what I why I wanted to have closure. It was the lateral violence and the the emotional intimacy that I tried having with other women in my community who'd been sexually assaulted that wouldn't do nothing to heal.
And and because they wouldn't do nothing, they projected all this insanity on me as if I was the one who was crazy, rather than them denying that been they'd been sexually assaulted. And it still persists today. Like I said, my childhood friend we were supposed to eat yesterday. You know, she's still like it's Marina, it's not my fault, you know. And I'm going, no, this is the outcome of deniability.
Marina Crane (46:14.424)
This is the outcome of hung prayers. Whether or not people want to believe it, like and I use the example of my cousin a couple of months ago coaching me to kill myself. That's hung prayers. That's an example of an extreme example of hung prayers. But when Jim's talking about hung prayers, it it it just amazed me like the how delicate he was in interpreting it. And the only reason I talk about emotional intimacy.
is because healing is a part of healing so that you don't have to pray bad for other people. When when you when you don't when you don't have it in you to to face your fear or heal from that emotional pain, that y then you gravitate to physical intimacy. You know, especially w when I was looking after high risk girls,
those girls they would poke themselves, cut into themselves just to feel pain. Like the whole nature of a physical pain just to feel alive. Because whatever happened to them, they numbed themselves. So so when I talk about physical and physical and emotional intimacy, it it balances with erotic and limerence. From from the time of you know the trauma gata
traumatic event happened. So again I go back to hung prayers. I say to my childhood friends, the serial rapists that were here ha a lot of their families have suffered. These men's families have suffered. One of them, his entire family, has died. And I said to them, I said to my childhood friend, it I had nothing to do with it. I have no hung prayers to his his his wife the their wives or their children.
I said I I when I took him to court, that was it. I I dealt with it, what do you call it? Closure. Closure. I even had to go and confront the last remaining sister.
Marina Crane (48:20.117)
And I say to her, I don't have any bad feelings towards you. Because however she thought that I would be praying bad for her, I wanted her to know, no, that was not in my agenda. It's never has been. It's been just to deal with what their hus her husband and her brother-in-law did to me.
And she just denied c accountability. She says, No, no, my sister and I drove up to the house because we wanted to pick up the car and we went into the r upstairs and my sister dragged you out of the out of the bed naked and just started kicking you in the head with her steel toed boots. And I'm going, No, you came to the house to pick up your car. I was unconscious in that car with blood.
I s and again she says, Well, she did had steel toed boots. I said, How the hell did she know that I you know, if if she didn't see me in the car all bloody, then how did she know I had head head injuries? So she knew. And she and I said, No, I heard you I heard you running out of the house, screaming and crying and po and taking off. I I remember being frozen there 'cause I thought this guy's gonna come and drag me out of the car, but he didn't. I just don't think he cared if I froze to death.
But I managed to walk in the snow to the neighbor's house and they called an ambulance. Now, what does it have to do with hung prayers? See, I had a friend, she passed away. We were friends for thirty years. And when I took this guy to court and I told her my story, even though we've been friends, like I said, sometimes the narrative
in f in terms of emotional intimacy, is talking with other women about la the trauma we've gone through, the the the trauma we share as women. And she said to me, Marina, was that you? I I said, What do you mean? She says that morning that like the that lady dropped off her sister at my house. She said she stayed in my house for fifteen for two weeks 'cause she was so beaten up because he took a baseball bat to the two of them.
Marina Crane (50:24.47)
And I said that to this lady when I told her I had no regrets. I wanted her to know I had no ill feelings to her or her family, that I wanted to leave this world having closure, no regrets. And and the thing about it, like that w that was my good intention. I wanted closure. And at that time, like I said, I I did all that.
I was still dealing with all this stuff like this cult mentality that Nathan Chasenhorse had perpetrated against me with people I've grown up with in my community. And again, these hung prayers. The reality that there are a lot of men and women who pray bad for other people. And for whatever reason they have low self-esteem or they haven't accomplished or they think they're they don't have any talent or nothing to show for their lives.
I have nothing to do with praying bad for them. I don't. But for them to be jealous of me or to belittle me or to, you know, make some story up about me, it it's nothing new. It's nothing new. But I but I wanted to make the distinction about hung prayers. And I wanted you to know too, and this is what I say to my childhood friend, the one who's in denial of her own sexual abuse.
her own childhood abuse, I wanted her to know that even though I had peace, made peace and closure with being physically sexually attacked, that there were all these women who didn't. And it's all these women who had children and grandchildren, like these people are over older than me, six, ten years older than me, that were victims of these serial rapists.
And that they had raised like it they projected all this hatred, all this these hung prayers onto these men and their families without ever physically confronting them and saying, You hurt me. See, I did that. And I tried to explain that in my podcast. And not everybody can p face their perpetrators. The whole the whole
Marina Crane (52:34.305)
What it called historical judge and s jury, or the j the whole way of Nathan Choice Morse being caught and the dynamics of how many years the delay, the the witness statements, all that, all that conjuring up, you have to investigate that trial to understand erotic and limerence in terms of cult mentality. Because again, you're you you it has to be all written down legally.
Legally, legally. And once you understand that, like there's what they say, the truth will set you free. But I let me get back to to hung prayers. So Jim and again about emotional intimacy.
He was quite aware of you know his his him being a veteran. He was quite aware of the vulnerability of physical intimacy. And and so he he he wo he did, he told me about hung prayers. He says, I I went up to Watap what do they call it? Muscacheese, Muscacheese, it's Hobima, Alberta, you can Google it. And he said there was an elderly Cree man who had died, and the community was so afraid of him for whatever reason. I he didn't tell me.
They're just afraid of him. And they called me up, because he's from South Dakota. And they called me up and I came. He says, and I prayed over I went to the funeral home, prayed over his body, went to his house, prayed, smudged his house, went to the gravesite, prayed over the burial site, everything. He says, and the and the funeral director saw all this. He said the funeral director after we buried this elderly man came up to me and he told told Jim, I saw what you did.
I want I want to show you something. Come to the funeral home tomorrow.
Marina Crane (54:23.638)
And Jim said, okay. So he went to the funeral home and the funeral director who looks after all the Crees and Muscatese and even the Somalians, like other people that come in, the immigrants, and he told them he he said he he says, I want to show you something. And he had a mason jar. And in this mason jar had all these objects, like some had stones with feathers in it or sticks, like stuff that chemically wise, like how did they how did they fuse together like that?
And and the funeral director says, When I'm preparing bodies, the dead bodies for burial, these objects fall out of the out of their s out of their bodies. I find them on the floor. And he says, and I've collected them, and I asked Jim, What are they? And Jim says, Those are hung prayers. Those are the prayers like when we talk about energy, or we talk about the physical aspect. When I say physical intimacy, when I talk about the physical aspect and what energy does, when somebody prays
bad about somebody. These prayers, they're called hung prayers, they manifest themselves in the physical body of the person they're praying bad for. Now when Jim told me that I was totally shocked because I because I I didn't quite understand what was good medicine or bad medicine. I'd heard about it through throughout my childhood and the fact too that I had stared right down the face of Nathan Chasinghorse who practiced bad medicine.
Because it's such a w we'll say you have to really grasp your own sense of self.
You have to grasp like what what do you understand about emotional intimacy versing versus physical intimacy. So when Jim told me this and he said I took all those seal those mason jars, he said there were big mason jars, maybe six of them. And the funeral director wanted to have him to take them. So he took them so he could prepare f prepare them like you know, in prayer and and send them off in a good way. And and so it really made me think
Marina Crane (56:31.441)
And and even though people have all this anger and or they they have all this rage about their childhood trying to justify or f out of fear create a fantasy or or a delusion, there's also like the a delusional a d a dil delusional disorder. And that's erotomania. Like there's a clinical definition of it. And and limerence, like I said, limerence, everybody experiences it. But it's but it's the balance of the two.
that somehow you tip you can tip yourself into the deeper the deeper side of of psychosis. and I'm and I'm using that very flippantly. I just want my audience, like I want you to understand the the nature of our thoughts and how they manifest it onto other people, even if you don't want that intention, if you're not careful and if you do not address it.
that individual will feel it or sense it. And and so having closure with the whole nature of Nathan Chasing Horse is is having is having to describe that because the the hung prayers that that he tried to generate d by his cult followers towards me, not just in the United States and in ca in Canada, but even within my community.
that that closure in itself, I truly believe if I hadn't gone and dealt with my own sexual abuse, if I hadn't confronted my own perpetrator, if I hadn't if I if I shoulda, woulda, coulda, the understanding the nature between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, it's important. And that's why as we age
When we start developing dementia and Alzheimer's
Marina Crane (58:30.944)
And that small wall that separates the left and right hemisphere starts to disintegrate. Or even how we manage things as we age. A lot of people say people who are narcissistic, who are psychopaths or or what's the ones who are born with with it and are sociopaths and psychopaths. Yeah. I think one is born with it and the other one is created. I think the sociopath is created.
And and the fact that when you age the your brain, the brainstem, like you just are in total denial. So so it it makes perfect sense that Nathan Chasinghorse would be in total denial of the fact of what he did. Because because the whole concept of of physical intimacy is his domain. Nothing nothing because he was born that way.
So and I'm not making excuses for people who were born that way. There you can get help, but but but I swear, I I did try to help him. I tr I told him to to go to the tribal police and and talk to them. Like like really had at any point when he all those years, those decades that he was abusing children, did anybody even go up to him and tell him, Turn yourself in?
Did any man go up to him and tell him, tell him, D turn yourself in, talk to the police.
See, my intentions were good intentions. That's the only way I knew how to even try and get the message across and
Marina Crane (01:00:17.409)
Because I knew the capacity he had to to manipulate people because nobody was listening to me. This was in September. There was like spring, April, Mar April, May, June, July, August, September. Yeah, six months. He had six months to to have coercial control over his cult as he was grooming them here in my community.
And like I said, sometimes limerence lasts a couple of weeks, sometimes three years. Erodomania, that's another whole dimension of how long it lasts, and the psychological counseling that people need. So even though I talk about emotional intimacy, you have it's a cautionary note too, that when you're seeking emotional intimacy that it's a safe place.
It's the same thing with physical intimacy too. You've got to, you know, if you're gonna be sexually active and have sexual intercourse, it it all needs to be done in a safe safe place and how to articulate that both emotionally and physically. So that's my cautionary tale. I wanted to talk about love, the love of my grandparents, love of my parents, and the love of my younger sister. And all the love stories out there.
Nothing nothing like they have in the Hollywood romance of Disneyland or anything like that. and it always amazes me it just how simple it is. How simple it is to just not give yourself because I I think it's just a real mystery, a great like the great mystery. A great Wacon whole like Wacan
Creator is the great mystery. So with that, I hope you have a pleasant day. Tomorrow is November 11th. And if I if I feel good and I feel that I need to be in the presence of my community talking about my late father, I'll do that. I know a lot of people sometimes when I talk they cry. And I don't know if I have it in me to do that for him.
Marina Crane (01:02:39.999)
I know I do it off this podcast.
Marina Crane (01:02:45.537)
But it it just it just bothers me that you know, like they they invited people and they didn't even invite any of my family to talk about my dad today.
You know, and the question is why should I even care? But for me, when I think about my dad at eighteen, and I think about all these young young men and women, seventeen and eighteen in high school, who, you know, have such dreams of either going to a trade or university or working, even to see to have jobs and to fall in love.
And the fact that there's such great odds against them. I want I would think and having tell telling my father's story is to let them understand just how hard it was. We think it's hard now with all this social media and so much openness towards pornography and human trafficking and drugs and alcohol and gambling.
that you know, that we we have to understand the people who came before us had it harder. And I used to say that to my late mother about her mother and my grandmothers. And and so it's a cautionary tale, even with my life, when I talk up to my nieces and I and I say, you know, like I yes I had a hard life, but I chose this life. I know I would have been dead a long time ago if I had chose a different life.
And I don't know what Creator has in store for me. I don't know how long any well any of us know that. We don't know when it's our time. But I am just grateful that I have the internet. I'm grateful that I have a community.
Marina Crane (01:04:42.505)
And and maybe, yes, maybe I will go because you know, seeing people I've grown up with, and for us to be all elderly now, it it warms my heart. It warms my heart when I see them because it's childhood memories. And and the fact that people like they know me. I'm just grateful. it's like I have a huge, huge family. And I do, I do have a huge, huge family.
I just wish I could share that that feeling with so many people who ha who don't have community, who don't have that connection with with people they've they've been raised with as children. So much of that is what they call civilization. No, I don't think so. You know, when I look at the Mayans and I look at the Sioux and I look at all the indigenous people, they had family.
They knew what family was. That connection, right in from the time they're born until the time they die, that connection was there. And the fact that we are so dispersed into these huge cities.
Not having connection with our brothers and sisters or our parents or grandparents or people that we've grown up with our whole lives who can look at us and know our dirty little secret as secrets as children, whether or not I shoplifted a ring out of Sears su store or any little thing like that, what that we did, like hello, you know, it's important to bring those memories, even though they were mischievous and childlike. But the reality of it is that we're
live and we're sharing these stories and when we share these stories with each other it uplifts us. And so hopefully when I do talk about my father and I do have the capacity to do it, but I do it in such a way that people understand I am doing it with good intention. It's not to shame anybody. As much as there are people
Marina Crane (01:06:49.311)
Okay. This is the opposite. Okay, this is the opposite. Because like I I jokingly say to my sister, on my obituary, say that I was a rodeo queen champion or I was like the the fancy dance champion of nineteen ninety or something like I said you know, because the majority of people that I that be again, all because of this lack of physical emotional intimacy, when when they do the obituaries they really
exaggerate. Like they just say, he had his masters in computer science. I never known the guy to go to go to university. Or I have a teacher's degree and I'm going, but you had ten kids like
When did you go to university? Like things that you know physically and emotionally are impossible. And that like when they s when they got their degree, why weren't they celebrated? Like I have a cousin who says her her son's a doctor. And yet if he was a doctor, the the the community would have celebrated this indigenous doctor. Like they've done with all other doctors, all other indigenous doctors in the community. So there is there there is a tipping point of, you know, indigenous people.
People pretending to have accomplished some things that they haven't. And and maybe they're writing on the coattails of Buffy St. Marie. But for whatever reason, I jokingly say, you know, like, this is the reality. This is who my father was, and this is who I am. This is who my family is. the reality of it is like there are some, I I won't name names.
But I know that woman's gonna be there tomorrow. I know her children are gonna be th there tomorrow. She's gonna be turning ninety. Can you understand that? My father would be turning a hundred years old. He joined the he jo enlisted when he was eighteen. Like like understand that. Minus nine years.
Marina Crane (01:08:51.745)
That means that lady would have been nine years old when my father enlisted in World War Two. And yet the entire community believes she's a veteran because she said so. And from what I understand, her stories are even getting more elaborate. Now she even drove tranks. So this whole aging brain and dementia and Alzheimer's really, you know, as we age
And hopefully like when I do my podcast, like I'm saying, the capacity for people to fantasize or to make up stories that aren't true is part of that aging process. And when you have it indigenous on indigenous, those stories are grandiose.
And and you know, when my childhood friend says, Well, you should confront them, I said, Why should I? That's not my narrative, that's not my story. I know the truth. I know exactly like this this woman had a very long drinking career.
Like she was very she was so ashamed of being indigenous because she had lost her status. So there's a lot of bitter feelings in terms of identity and belonging and and how much how much she hungers, how addicted she is for people to listen to her story, that she fabricates these stories, and she just wants to go and be around those people. And most of the people that she's around are at the casino.
And and they believe her. You know, there are white people that believe her. And that's why I say like the need for that addiction to be validated by white people, by indigenous people who've had t terrible childhoods, who who've been had who've been beaten up by white people, and they carry that with them throughout their lives. That is not their fault.
Marina Crane (01:10:46.903)
That it's not their fault, but it's up to us to understand why they believe why they be believe and behave the way they do. I have no ill feelings towards her for creating that story. But but the reality of this is my l father's life. And and you know, he's not alive to to bear testimony to what I'm saying. And and the thing is, but I'm here. I'm here.
I'm here to validate that these are the accomplishments that he did in his lifetime. And whether or not people know who he is, that's up to me to tell his story. Nobody else. Because I'm the oldest I'm the oldest in the within the family. So I put it out there in my podcast, hoping somebody has this and the capacity to see it. Like I said, I fell in love when I was nineteen or eighteen, with a with a man who was twenty five years old.
And I jokingly say, I think he was from another planet. So again, great mystery. Maybe that's what love is all about, right? We're all we're all interdi interdimensional species and all of a sudden we find each other because we're so alien.
I you know, you can understand why I gravitate to science fiction. Anyway, enough of that. I'm gonna go to bed. I didn't I wanted to post something because I know it's gonna be November eleventh. I know I'm gonna be busy all day if I do go. And and I don't have the capacity to to spend time doing this podcast tomorrow 'cause I'm anticipating I'll be tired.
But with that, I I hope that you have some insight into the powers of of healing and the consequences to not healing, even though you think it's nobody's business, and you're right, it's nobody's business. But I but I do believe it's a blessing to have closure. And it's a blessing to to be on that journey with someone.
Marina Crane (01:12:55.64)
who is is also, you know, c having closure at the same time. It's very important, it's a very intimate thing that you sh that we share with each other.
So so with that, like I I I just want to express my gratitude that I've lived as long as I have lived and that I'm able to articulate the things that bother me. And at the same time, even though they bother me, I always s jokingly say to my younger sister, my love my love language is so different. You know, because I was raised with uncles. I was raised like my father was military. My my uncles were s were cowboys. I said, my language of intimacy is
Damaged shit and like I used to even say what was that word? somebody somebody was saying, I used to say, geez, us. Like they said, What did you say? Like they thought I was saying Jesus. And I wasn't, I was going, jeez and then I'm starting a sentence, rather than saying, I did this, I said, us, we did this. Like
'Cause that's how I saw people with a second language talked English. Excuse me. Excuse me. White people thought I was swearing when I said, geez, us, we d we did this. Like they couldn't un comprehend it. But again, too, that's how I interpreted what they're saying in an indigenous language. My interpretation with English. like and again, who gets labeled as the savage?
Anyway, ha little insight, little inside joke, right? Okay. Have a good night. Wo Pida Mi Dokia Piawasana Creator, grandfathers, grandmothers, I will be done.
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