An introduction Marina Ann Crane. I was forced to remain invisible & yet Nathan Chasing Horse's followers over the decades would find me, phoning me, texting me.

 

(thanks to rita pallada “native actor.3 youtube for this short video clip) 

Nathan Chasing His Horse a.k.a. Smiles A lot

Since 2011 documented blog called,

The world is smaller now buyer be aware!

My name is Marina Ann Crane, Hapan Kinyewakan, Winona Kinyewakan, PowwowKazawee, the way my parents and grandparents named first five as follows: Chaske, my older brother who was first born boy, Hapan, is me, second born, a girl. Hapstin, is my sister a third child who’s a girl, Catan is my brother a fourth child whose a boy and finally Wihake, my sister a fifth born girl. After the fifth parents name them the way they wish as the sixth was born in the Spring, a boy, the seventh was born in the fall, a boy and the last was born on New Years Day named after a dead relative. My late mother’s maiden name, Kinyewakan, Flying Holy & my dad’s mom’s name Dowan, To sing. My pronoun is a girl raised with responsible of a Hapan. My matriarchal lineage takes me from the land of Ochethi Sakowin, camps of the seven council fires: Dakota, Nakota, Lakota.

1.     Sisithunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers among the old fish bones,

2.     Ihankthunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers at the end of the camp circle,

3.     Wahpethunwan, (Dakota) Dwellers among the leaves,

4.     Mdewakantonwan, (Dakota) Dwellers at Spirit Lake,

5.     Wahpekhute, (Dakota) those who shoot among the leaves,

6.     Ihankthunwan, (Nakota) Younger Dwellers at the end of the camp circle, Bear’s paw, Chinkiki, Wesley

7.      Titonwan, (Lakota)Dwellers on the prairie; Oglala, mnikhowozu, oohenunpa, Sichangu, sihasapa, hunkpapa,

 I was born on the Oak River Indian Reserve now called Sioux Valley Dakota First Nation during a minus forty below winter storm. I was home birthed by my Dakota grandmother. My grandfather’s mother, Emma Campbell, an English colonial name was from Mankato, Minnesota. All her siblings, under the age of five when her and her family of five escaped from the largest mass execution in USA history. My mother’s mom’s family name was Wasicuna, meaning Whiteman. My lineage comes from the Sioux tribes that escaped and were exiled into Canada. My ethnicity is 93% indigenous to North America, (4% Germanic, 2% Norway, 1% France, 1% Northwestern Europe) My Status Card claims me as being enrolled as a voting Nation member of the Tsuu Tina First Nation’s community of Treaty Seven. The colonial construct policies meant to divide indigenous peoples did their job well. Having spoke fluent Dakota Sioux until I went to Day School, I lost my ability to speak Dakota. I was raised listening to various languages of the Treaty Seven area.

Paradoxically white supremacy based colonial governments deemed inherent rights, two spirited, 2SLGBTQ+, murdered and missing indigenous girls, indigenous women as invisible (non-human beings rather animalistic). We are at the bottom of the Canadian socioeconomic ladder. Historical gendered based violence, land theft, mass incarceration, racial injustice with the health system and in the police forces is critical. The crisis of mental health for indigenous is triggering to an already vulnerable population.  Indigenous and black people continue to advocate for an attempt to work within these systems. Systemic racism meant to harm me and my community before my birth.  I hope that we can honor the indigenous peoples of the Americas. Within the next few months, I’ll be wrapping up this blog site. As most of my conversations speaks of gender violence that was forced on these lands by Christian outsiders. The gender violence towards indigenous girls and indigenous women was declared in Ottawa as a National Crisis, in 2023. Much of my blog is an explanation of this violence towards indigenous girls and women, as taught to me through my own family and my own lived experience. I thank all those non-indigenous peoples who hold space for myself and my ancestors’ stories. In my open public forums I acknowledge that the roles of my parents, grandparents and all my ancestors. Encouraging reconciliation for all sides as its vital in peace keeping. As violence disrupted throughout our history, so it continues, as an imposed reconciliation takes place without a safe and supportive environment. If we do not fight and healing from white supremacy more innocent people will die, not from riots but from mental health related issues. So where do we start and how does it finish is based on educating ourselves about anti-racism and equity. Understanding the new terminology of our indigenous youth is important. As there is a serge or call it a renaissance of young indigenous artist from all indigenous tribe emerging all over the world. We must hear their voice is we as a race are to survive.  

In this blog since 2011, I put a warning out to all indigenous girls and indigenous women about the spiritual abuse and sexual assaults of accused Nathan Chasing Horse. Prior to his arrest on January 31, 2023 I shorten his name to NCH as prior years I was threatened with a law suit. This blog will be filled with many conversations about child abuse, sexual abuse that is not something you have the emotional capacity to read or hear. It might be a good time to end listening or stop reading thorough this blog.

 (Again, thanks to rita pallada “native actor.3 youtube for this short video clip)

 

Sometimes I wonder

 Years ago my audience was directed to young indigenous girls and young indigenous women. Today I find myself caught up in a system that is not safe for me to express my opinions on the subject of Nathan Chasing Horse. sometimes I wonder who can I trust. For decades, I was invisible, and now I’m finding myself to be open to the public. I’ve grown up my entire life in an integrated system of systemic racism. I understand how white fragility plays huge part in how people may see my blog. It is for this reason that I wonder if I’m doing the right thing in bringing awareness about the mental health crisis as girls and indigenous women. The Canadian government issued a statement a few weeks ago about a state of emergency for murdered and missing, indigenous girls, entering teaching us, women, two spirited indigenous people.

I’ve seen and heard young indigenous influencers talk about the many people they have to block on their social media sites. Despite the efforts of explaining what it’s like to live in a first nations community.Sometimes I wonder if there’s any hope for reconciliation. As it seems and appears that it’s only one sided. The more we voice or opinion the more we are critic criticized in the more we are criticize the more we realize that this voice that we have developed was never allowed to be heard. This is why I wonder if the people who are reading this blog realize the significance of the story I write. 

It’s understanding that generations of generations, indigenous people we’re not allowed to even utter a word on their behalf. They were not allowed to stand up and defend the very voice that was silenced.I’ve grown up my entire life in two worlds. Decades ago I had a friend who made a statement about people of color. She had noticed that the waiter was waiting on us, had an accent. My my friend was not indigenous, so she made a statement of how easy her white privilege was. At most white privilege people don’t have to learn more than one language. She said she could not imagine, moving into a country whose language was born to her. That she would have to adapt, and how difficult it would be for her to learn another language, and to work within that language.

So I wonder people understand how difficult it is to be across culturally educated indigenous person. I’m not going to explain the difficulties that I experienced my entire life that’s not the purpose of why I wonder about things. The important thing that I’d like people to understand, is that this isn’t just an indigenous problem when it comes to cultlike behavior. Cults of existence since the beginning of time and people have naïvely participating and being groomed and indoctrinated into these cults, ritual abuse is part of the behavior within a cult. Try to imagine the difficulties it would be you to dingy brief defragment deconstruct a behavior that myself and others have thought was normal our entire lives.  Then we get an education and we start attending therapy and then we realize that a lot of. Our thoughts are self-defeating.

Then I wonder why generations after generation are these ways of thinking these ways of self-defeating behavior, so entrenched in our culture that we have to protect our very children and our very girls from rapist, and from people who love to manipulate the  savage out of us. This is what it feels like to be colonized. It’s the reinforcement of negative self talk. Are used to say when I was talk to OB and listen to a white privilege person, especially a teacher or an employer that it was because they were smarter than me.

It makes me wonder when I when I speak the truth about my lived experience. What does the person who is the who is the opposite of me listing actually hears their own voice. I wonder if they understand that making a statement that they are sincere such whatever I’m going through that I will come out of it a lot better emotionally. And that once I come out of this traumatic event that I would be a little bit smarter because of my lived experience. It makes me wonder if the person understands their own white privilege. I don’t really I don’t really think the person realize it’s just how difficult it is for anybody who has gone through a traumatic experience how difficult it is for them to even have the courage to seek professional help  to even ask for help and even trust the person that they’re seeking help from to be compassionate towards the struggles, they are facing. 

Sometimes I wonder if people understand what so compassion means. I don’t have I don’t tend to believe I have a solution to the mental health crisis. I do know it’s a lot easier to put yourself in a position of looking inward and seeing dissecting deconstructing what you see but it’s another thing to actually Have lived experience within that culture. Because you can’t have compassion unless you have self compassion for your own life, your own trauma, your own psychological, struggles your own human social responses, your own drama, your own tragedies, your own grief, your own joys, and your own ways of living.  All I ask for those for reading this blog is to be compassionate towards the victims is that I talk about or to understand that there’s a history behind indigenous girls and indigenous women that we had no control over. We were born into systemic racism towards us, we were stamped at birth to be seen as it visible, and to be used  And abused by anyone at their privilege. It’s difficult for indigenous girls to grow up in a family with violence is perceived as being normal normalizing brutality towards indigenous girls and indigenous women, and then to project it into white society, as if all societies behave the same. And then if there is some truth, there is some truth for all women. The file on speaker experience on a daily basis  And the patriarchy in Misogyny of being afraid if her partner is a narcissist, understanding that there’s very little resources for women to escape such partners, very little resources for women to feel safe and comforted and guided into living a healthy, beautiful life. It’s my hope and desire that all women find courage to walk there talk, because if we don’t , and if we do not encourage mental health, the price is too great to pay. We’ve seen this so many times. I’ve buried so many young indigenous women. I am blessed to be an elder that I’ve lived through this crisis in my own way, and yet even how I’m perceived, as an elder is also  Biased. 

WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR NATHAN CHASING HORSE TO GET CAUGHT. THE ANSWER IS MULTILAYERED. I WILL ATTEMPT TO ANSWER FROM AN INDIGENOUS WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE

THIS POST I"LL BE EDITING THROUGHOUT THE COMING WEEKS. 

 I’m sending you, my Blog audience a few TikTok short clips. Feel free to track them down as I’ll put their reference down to view the entire version. I felt these short clips were appropriate for these very heavy topics of SA and predators, 

Since Nathan Chasing Horse's arrest this topic or question was asked of me. "How did you know who he was so early on?'  OR WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR NATHAN TO GET CAUGHT? How did I follow my gut instincts about this medicine boy. Yes, boy, because I am a little older than this boys parents. Seventeen years ago, I was much younger and educated to some extend in having earned a degree; however, what I’ve learned about human behavior and my own cultural psychology is nothing short of amazing. I’m grateful for what I am about to share. Within these next few months, I’ll updating this blog site. I’ll try to make it a lot more user friendly by setting up video podcast summarizing up each year of this blog. My lived experienced as being indigenous helped me.

Our medicine people have a history of being obsessed with boys and girls. It wasn’t the case during my late grandparent’s time. I could imagine that if Sitting Bull lived a long life my grandparents were born in what would been Sitting Bull’s elder years. This is why my grandparents say the medicine was good once, back in the day. Today it’s very rare to find such a medicine person. I can honestly say, I’ve met one.

In any case, I'll continue back onto the topic of attitudes towards indigenous women from no fault of our own. As I truly believe we as indigenous people we were born, stamped from the beginning, into a systemic racist environment of white supremacy. It’s our reality. It’s our lived experience.  It wasn’t our parent’s fault nor was it our grandparents’ fault either. A systemic racist system setup to herd our indigenous children in the masses from generation after generation. They were all just babies these ancestorial children of ours. White supremacy purging our First Nation’s communities of our indigenous babies. These places they called Indian Residential School, Day School, Adoption and Foster Care: however, I believe they were setup like cults. The staff were like prison guards who ritualistically practiced abusive behavior either through torture, murder, and SA. It's this racial injustice system created for us by white supremacy that we now find ourselves living a rape culture & a performative culture.

 The first short clip is regarding attitudes towards women seeking help. Any women today who tries to escape a narcissistic even sociopathic partner has very little resources offered to her/him/she/them...

 The second short video clip reminds me of how older rich non-indigenous men see young vulnerable indigenous girls and indigenous women. As an indigenous elder woman, I am not making excuses for myself as this second clip applies to all women. It reminded of the mental health crisis of indigenous girls and indigenous women.

(still editing ...) WE ARE NOT SEEN IN SOCIETY. OUR LIVED EXPERIENCES MEANS WE ARE SILENCED. MURDERED AND MISSING INDIGENOUS GIRLS AND INDIGENOUS WOMEN IS GENOCIDE. 

Its through my lived experienced, a history of genocide, I was born into, centuries of being sexualized, hunted, and murdered for being and indigenous women existed and exists. We can still feel the reminisces of human trafficking. It can not be a shameful thing as starvation was a strategy used to annihilate us. Creating a mythology around their religious teaching that all indigenous people of the Americas we're so savage. These colors these colonizers created this mythology to justify the basic creed of the doctrine of discovery. Promoting that if they saw and considered all indigenous people as not human, they would not get prosecuted for murder. A bounty was put on the heads of indigenous women. A town in one of the Dakotas was settled for bounty hunters. Their favorite targets were pregnant indigenous women. Taking the scalps of the unborn fetus and the mum to collect two skills. This was their strategy. Indigenous women we're not taking to breed like the colonizers did too black women. As the approach was to annihilate all indigenous people and in order to do that they had to kill the women who would create new life.

Attitudes towards indigenous women's sexual response was further Taken into a new level of genocide. Indigenous women were considered savage like. The strategy of educating and converting indigenous boys through the establishment of industrial schools was halted. The discussion of these boys being educated and returning to there are First Nations communities was considered a lost cause. The governments realized that if they educated the boy, he would return home and marry a girl who in turn would convert him back to being a savage. Their solution was to create indigen D and residential schools where they could educate both girls and boys. Such begins the tragedy of mass incarceration of our indigenous babies generation after generation. Bing housed in establishments disguised at schools but in actuality they were prison like. Our babies grew up not knowing their language not knowing a living skill and not respecting their parents. Despite the religious dogma of the tent amendments of honoring by parents. These Indian residential schools indoctrinated them into believing but what they were doing was rising above their savage like state. And if they did not conform, they were tortured, punished and even to the point of being murdered. My own father ran away from in an Indian residential school in the dead of winter period he was caught and for his punishment he was left to sleep in a cold addict an addict were the staff put dead bodies of indigenous children. I don't know how long he was left there maybe weeks maybe days I do not know. This is just one of the stories of the cruelty of the people who came before us. They lived generations after generations taught to be silent about the torture that they experienced in these places. Talk not to talk about what they the horrors they saw such as rape such as murder such as the disposal of children's bodies. Is it any wonder why after generations of indoctrination that each generation was to think that these Indian residential schools were good. Because they taught them how to clean their homes work the soil and be good human beings that by going to these places, they rose above there savage state. This classical conditioning is like Pavlov’s theory where you feed a dog put him in a cage so he can't jump up every time he shocked the dog would learn not to escape but just stay in the cage. So where these children believe not to practice their culture their language even child rearing. My late mother was not taught sex education so when she became pregnant, she told me she thought she was going to have a litter of babies. This learned helplessness isn't the fault of my parents nor my grandparents nor any child who was raised in these residential schools however we are living with the aftermath or the after effect of the stop indoctrination that white supremacy is God and that the queen is the superior being the head of the end can church or even the Pope for that matter. When these people in positions of power ask us to jump and we are conditioned to reply how high do you want us to jump. That anybody who comes into our communities was perceived as better than or greater than us must be of good character.

Today as an indigenous woman we see this attitude that our communities have towards our female sexuality. We also see the fear that indigenous people have towards people of authority like the RCMP or the police. Edward it were it was these institutions that were created by the government 2 rally up mass after hundreds and hundreds of children into these it does indigenous residential schools it was also white supremacy who created distrust exhibit coming to our communities seeking indigenous women as sexual objects. As I've mentioned before human trafficking prostitution to this day shouldn't be seen as something shameful, but R indigenous women went through generations after generations. Please indigenous women prostituted themselves out so they could feed their children. The strategy of the Canadian government was to continue annihilating indigenous women by passing the law but if it indigenous woman married a non indigenous person she would lose her status. They even further promoted this shame and guilt of the female sexual response. Indigenous women were teaching their children to specially their female girls not to be sexually active not to show sexual response not to be human beings. As my late father would say human sexuality isn't over silver six feet underground. Indigenous parents trying to promote a positive environment for their children was sometimes in vain. Protecting them from this ideology of white supremacy and at the same time being put down, being seen as invisible. Is it any wonder why children who've been sexually abused remain silent. Is it any wonder why a stranger a nonindigenous stranger. Would be perceived as knowing what's right from wrong. Imagine generations after generations of indigenous women being sexually assaulted and seeing that they couldn't do nothing to protect them. I believe it must be that same feeling that black men had in seeing their mothers and sisters and daughters being sexually assaulted by their white slave owners. Today and hopefully for generations to come we as indigenous people and people of colour will practice spiritual activism. This means fighting and healing from white supremacy. Teaching our children and their children the skills of spirituality. It's this reality that we are confronted with because if we do not do anything more people will die. More indigenous women will be hunted and killed. More children will be apprehended and raised by nonindigenous families. More people will continue to be disgusted with the fact that we as indigenous people have a voice, and we have an identity. I believe as we discuss racial injustice and inequalities and as we try to teach anti oppression and equity, we will provide a better and safer environment for our children and their children.

Today we see the lack of this education of anti oppression and equity you may ask how we see it and this is where human trafficking sexual assaults and a polarization of our communities when we are so desperate to find a new identity a new purpose a new pride in being indigenous. So when a young man, Hollywood actor, comes into our community performing and acting like he is the Messiah. Where his followers are promoting him as a holy man. Where he is seen as practising his language in his culture. As I earlier described had these feminine qualities that inherent in indigenous men because generations after generations we were raised in matriarchal society. We can see this in our DNA in our in our ways of walking in other ways of approaching human sexuality. This Nathan chasing horse disguised all this with an entourage that promoted Wellness. For those who are not raised in understanding spiritual activism or even the approach of how creator guides us every day by his will. If we were not taught this and if we did not look out for frauds if we did not feel comfortable then bye our parents not to trust our intuitive selves. Then people like Nathan chasing horse would get away with manipulation much like colonizers, men who exploit indigenous women. As they've done for centuries after centuries. It's this disgusting lack of respect this disgusting lack of respecting female human sexuality. As my late father would say it is not over till it's over and then here's this young man preaching that this female sexual response needs to be tamed at an early age and that his male indigenous followers believed this in this strategy because it made them seem holy or more powerful over indigenous women.

We are so conditioned to think or were taught that the governments were good. From conditioning our grandparents, our parents to think these places called Indian residential schools were good, not thinking their parents and they themselves were not raise by their parents. Logically, how can these places be a good place.

Age-appropriate relationships with older men are not good. There’s also an epidemic of older rich. non-indigenous men who buy young indigenous mistresses. These poor uneducated women are good human beings. Yes, teaching learned its not their fault they’ve learned helplessness, codependence and enabling skills. I think and believe that’s one of the core reasons why I started this blog. The easiness to share tragedy or drama around trauma is so classical. The reality that there's nobody coming to help them, the horrors seen is talked about is to gain sympathy. Sex education was never taught. Young vulnerable women seeking security from an older man or a man who is perceived as being powerful in his masculine energy.

Within my lived experience, into this hostile environment I was born into, I’ll confirm this mental health crisis for indigenous girls and indigenous women. Sexualized attitudes towards our feminine energy exists and continues to plague our very existence. There is a difference seen within our indigenous communities, as well as in all human beings in general. Especially when it comes to our own mental health issues. Remember, our indigenous grandparents, our indigenous parents didn't have access to mental health providers, Psychotherapist. I am not talking about AA counsellor, nor any type of counsellors conducting Sweat or Sundance through lived experiences. I am talking about months to years revisiting, deconstructing, and reconstructing one’s childhood trauma by a guided mental health practitioner. We are so conditioned into believing the governments were good. Classical conditioning our grandparents, our parents and to our own understanding living to respect white supremacy. Honor white privilege patriarchy. As I’ve heard indigenous peoples of the United States say about Indigenous Canadians. They’ve said that when our Queen says jump. We respond with how high you want us to jump your majesty.

You asked or commented once about educating our indigenous boys or our indigenous men. I mentioned how Nathan’s appearance here as a youth mentor was vital for our men. It was vital because he was very feminine in his nature. I’ve grown up seeing the beauty of feminine men. Nathan brought his feminine beauty into our community. Our community that is very misogynistic and controlling as result of colonialism. My Dakota grandfathers were very feminine. I saw how they held their male energy in the presence of healthy indigenous women. The concept of knowing those who came before us is a very powerful affirmation. (thank you for sharing with me about your late uncle’s journey home)

As the time goes into preparing myself for my sister’s journey honoring her life through ceremony is important. I’m pacing myself in what am doing. Stepping back creating spiritual sacred space each day until she leaves is my responsibility, as I am the elder.

I’ve grown up around non-indigenous energy. I know I maybe the only or one of only few indigenous people you’ve met. Your energy is very masculine. My culture & my way of life is matriarchal. Stepping back & pacing myself for me reflecting on grieving, death & dying prepares me for my future journey as well.

I know I am unique. Choosing to live in a community where people remember me as child, a teen, a young adult and now into my senior years was very important step for me in moving home.

Finding balance with masculine & feminine energy is shifting. I do realize I need to find that masculine energy again. It’s fleeting; however, Creator’s Will is being done. The feminine energy my sister takes with her in her journey will be missed. Paul’s friendship represented that masculine colonial energy. This too will be missed.

Whether you see this shift isn’t as important as it is for me to own it. To own it for people who need to hear it. My sister’s amazing gift of seeing me honors me by throughout her life, seeing me. I wanted to share this with you. I know my culture is foreign to you. The intensity of your skill set is amazing. Again, thank you for holding space for me yesterday. I’m feeling much better & have a self-care plan in place. A plan of pacing my emotions, protecting myself through prayer & praying Creator’s Will guides my sister in her journey; however & whenever this takes place.  

 

My late mother thought when she first got pregnant, she would have a litter of babies. Talking about any topics around human sexuality or sexual arousal would only trigger Indian residential school survivor. Excuse me here, as I really don't like describing them as schools rather I see as prisons. Prisons were the mass incarceration of indigenous were kept away from their parents. Understand this reality, my grandmother wasn't raised by her parents nor were both of my parents never raised by their parents. 

When your conditioned to believe you are receiving the best education money can pay you tend to believe this government bullshit. When I was a teen my parents separated for a brief period and my late mom was so exhausted as a single parent that she enrolled use, voluntarily enrolled into an Indian Residential School. She thought this was the best place for us. This is where my theory of why parents think "the other" is better than them. Remember my parents were conditioned to think they were not good people that they came from a subgroup of human species, worthless, stupid and ignorant. I believe it was their way of coping with the reality that their parents too were not good parents cause the government deemed it so. 

 

Is it any wonder why people would believe "the other" is better than them. With the philosophy of their children will learn the hard way the way they were raised. Understand this, I do not blame my parents. When I first heard stories from my parents, my relatives and friends about the horrors of their lived experiences in those hell holes called Indian Residential Schools, I was so enraged. I still find it difficult to write about or think about my poor parents as children being afraid for their lives. I just can not understand the cruelty of white supremacy. In any case, back to my story about age appropriateness or the lack of age appropriateness within this world.

 

Its the lessons I've learned in what Nathan Chasing Horse has taught me. As he is a very performative boy, in the sense of being born into a performative culture. Also, we preform not only to get attention but also get money. We learn as children to perform to get the attention of our parents. As we've experience childhood trauma we've learned to self sooth ourselves by performing in some form of fantasy, illusion, delusion or escapism rather than experiencing the pain, whether its physical or emotional.  Again, I repeat myself, its not our parents’ fault nor is it our grandparents’ fault. Its why I say, "know those who came before you." It's in this way of understanding that we start understanding ourselves.  

 Before I go further, there are two definitions you need to know:

 Infatuation: an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something. 

There is a difference seen within our indigenous communities. Especially when it comes to our own mental health. Remember, our grandparents, parents didn't have access to mental health provider, Psychotherapist. I am not talking about AA counsellor, nor any type of counsellors conducting Sweat or Sundance. I am talking about months to years of deconstructing childhood trauma.

Its important to note that Infatuation can be dealt with a counsellor who has no therapeutic professional credentials: however, here the difference. I firmly believe that Nathan Chasing Horse fooled so many into thinking he could heal their childhood trauma by being intuitive. Every human being is gifted with intuitive instinct. 

Limerence is: It's a deeper psychological condition that can last longer than an infatuation. It's having obsession thoughts continuously sometimes lasting months. 

“ A word defining the state of being “madly in love.”    It was coined by Dorothy Tennov, PhD, in 1977.   A large amount of further research has been done by Helen Fisher, PhD, along with her colleagues who have further researched the concept. Limerence is similar to Infatuation, which is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something and can contribute to obsessive behavior. It is a chemically influenced state, primarily fueled by the chemical dopamine, a chemical released by neurons in the human brain, which plays a major role in the motivational component of reward-motivated behavior. The limerence attachment to the relationship and person usually increases in the presence of barriers or objections to the relationship. Involves emotional swings from joy to sorrow, depending on the most recent interaction with the limerent object and their level of demonstrated reciprocal interest (or lack thereof). Can result in physical illness, usually involving the stomach, headaches, and/or dizziness.”

 I've found that creating a drama or negative self-talk as in self-defeating behavior stimulates or triggers an episode. It's why when soldiers suffer from PSTD whose childhood was also riddled with trauma have a difficult time. This is an addictive state where a trigger is stimulated as a relapse occurs. A person recovers until that the next trigger occurs. If a soldier had no prior childhood experience with PTSD their recovery and relapse isn't so dramatic. In other words, they can adjust back into civilian life. I believe it much the same when woman enters into an abusive relationship and when she tries to leave, she relapses. Its why psychotherapy is so vital in healing from such childhood and adult trauma. There is a big distinction between infatuation and Limerence. Its from this limerence that we see moms who love their children leave with a stranger they met in a bar. Or, why parents think their daughters are better off with a mature man. They think that an older man can tame this limerence behavior. You see, there must be a reward offered or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The person who is suffering from limerence knows they must perform to get the stimulus they crave. It's the attention of a stranger or a perceived Holy Man like how Nathan Chasing Horse conditioned his helpers to promote him wherever he visited. Sometime the SA victim will relive their assault unconsciously triggering a sexual response. It's not their fault nor was it ever mine when I started recoverin my own trauma. We recreate our own trauma repeatedly not knowing we are seeking attention or approval that we are good people. As children see other perform and think its appropriate behavior not knowing its our parents or relatives’ way of coping from their own childhood trauma. This is what I've called a performative culture. 

It wasn't our parents’ fault that they didn't seek out psychotherapists. Its not our fault; however, it's up to our young to seek out many different venues of healing not just sweats and Sundance.  

As young women, men seek out the most vulnerable who can serve them. Understanding our own female sexual response as being healthy means we've stopped being performative and we've stopped being in a limerence state of a deeply troubling infatuation. We've started feeling and knowing what it is that makes us truly happy within our own healthy human sexually. It for this reason I used this second short clip about why older men seek out younger women. And, also, I am attaching some humorous clip cause as indigenous people we know that laughter bring a healing spirit to own very souls. I hope you enjoy. As I've said sometime my content is just too heavy and riddle with sadness and despair. Life is meant to be lived an shared with people we celebrate love and celebrate life with.... enjoy...

The reality of all women who are partnered with a narcissistic male. There are very little support systems in place for women who seek safety. 

Age appropriateness is important. Five years younger or five years older. 

Humor helps the reality of polarized sexual responses. 

When you find yourself in a space were you don't know what to do... Also, remember to howl at the moon as life is worth celebrating love and celebrating life. 

Bad Medicine: Betrayal and assault .... From Phil Barber THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

Phil Barber THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

published 10/07/2020 edited August 11, 2023

Years ago, I fell in love. It wasn’t easy for me to understand as sometimes I thought other women deserved this love rather than me. Every human being has a theory about the meaning of love, and we are in love when we are avoiding pain; however, as in the definitions of “limerence and love bombing,” sometimes takes decades to unravel by fighting and healing from such love bonds. As I am indigenous, I found when I disclosed being in love others question me as if there is something abnormal about my life choices. There’s no regret. It took much sacrifice from me that most would not take. It’s difficult for some to understand if they have not reflected on their own addictions. In my culture words like limerence and love bombing are concepts described in the context of “love medicine” or “having one pulling love medicine on you.” The need to be praised, validated, hugged for play or work as a child growing up is beneficial in how we seek out someone to love. It seems like a simple equation; however, during the pandemic I discovered something about myself. Something I unintentionally buried decades ago. A memory when I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves, as well as being present for others. Intergenerational trauma means knowing those who came before you and for me meant knowing the outcome of my parents and my grandparents. All were not raised by their parents. Systemic racism created by white supremacy to erase all indigenous people off the world to prove whose savage and who’s civilized was a society I was born into by no faut of my parents, nor my grandparents. For years I avoided emotional pain not realizing pleasure accompanies the experience of heartbreak. I am grateful for those life choices I made decades ago. Living in the present means living without creating any regrets from whatever we experience or are experiencing; however, it the understanding of how we heal ourselves. Sometimes, in today’s fast thinking society we think healing takes place like using a magic wand. I truly believe we as human beings can not and not capable of healing without the help of others. It is why traditional healers do not stand alone. They have a community. They have a network of “making relationships” and “being public without fear.”

As women’s rights were then, when I was eighteen, next to nil. I was so young indigenous woman. I didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being any woman. Any woman could not own a credit card or a house. Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I didn’t understand violence towards all women, as I’d see all women including family members coming to community functions with black eyes. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away at eighteen years of age, naïvely thinking I had all the answers. I have no regret in running away as I can reflect now seeing all my peers from my community, seeing what my life would be like if I remained home.

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes called “Indian residential schools.” Listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me as my late mom spoke about the impact Indian Residential School had on her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. I started talking about female sexual responses with a non-indigenous friend. She helped me realize how all women are affected by patriarchy.

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night or caught were SA or caught an STD. Women stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them was normal. Imagine being married never experiencing intimacy, only SA. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages monitored by their husbands. This to my understanding is what was taught in those Indian Residential Schools. This when children are born & marriage vows said before their God in a church. As the decades past, more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand their bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. We hope they support each other in sisterhood.  

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or from 15-24 years old our human brains are not fully developed nor are our bodies. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human beings throughout our lives. It’s also the very foundation of our sexual identity for every relationship we start & finish. Sometimes when a traumatic event or events is happening like war or a violent act, SA. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy through validation. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a healthy relationship with a healthy male friend. A man who eventually did not become an intimate friend. I didn’t realize he was using me as I was using him. As there’s this addictive need to feel validated as a public human being. This male friend sought out my ability to listen to him whether I understood what he was saying. He had friendships with professional people. He said they just would not understand him. It didn’t occur to me I served a purpose for him, a very selfish purpose.

As human beings its important for us to find love, a partner who is your equal. I say and continue to say that if I had not fallen in love, experienced ecstasy I would not have a reference point to keep myself balanced. From my experience of being SA at nineteen and if I had not written this blog anonymously, I believe my perception of normalcy would be distorted; however, knowing I loved a man, loved another other than family was very important once I realized I could no longer be anonymous. As human beings experiencing trauma we feel shame, guilt, and fear of being known. Fifty-two years ago, I disassociated my self thinking I could heal myself from being SA. Unconsciously I blamed all men for being violent in nature and could not see any form of forgiveness for all men. I mention this as an unconscious self-defeating behavior that I suppressed. I even thought after forty-four years I eliminated this behavior; however, confronting my perpetrator in a court room forgiving all men but not him cause what he did was an unforgivable act. I thought that shame, guilt, and fear was eliminated.  I did not go to court to seek out attention or validation. I fought to heal myself even when the perpetrator’s family would not believe I was SA. These two men were serial SA predators. From the RCMP investigations, I was their thirteenth, the youngest of all their victims.

As lateral violence is the new catchphrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. Imagine, knowing that if anyone of those older indigenous reported them, others would be saved. I have no regrets in knowing the bullying, intimidation I received. I learned this year that I was still trying to remain a private person. I sought out validation from others who unconsciously did not or did realize they were co-dependent on my need to be heard or listen to by them. I’d say to these two particular people, imagine that those women who were SA victims normalized SA as a part of their marriage vows. I sought out non-indigenous people for this addictive behavior. A self-defeating behavior that enabled me to be co-dependent on their affection or attention. It was their attention as I had boundaries set down for both. I didn’t realize I did not need them.

When I started writing this blog, I was bullied, intimidated, harassed, and stocked to stop blogging. As I remained anonymous, these threats meant noting to me as I was unknown. Nathan Chasing Horses follower sought me out and found out my name. Nathan had influenced one member of my extended family to give his followers my name and personal information.

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in any relationships out of fear, shame, and guilt. As much of this fear was unrealistic as I did not wrong; however, just as I forgave all men during my court case where my perpetrator was found guilty and sentenced. I had not understood forgiveness of self-defeating behavior I incorporated into my everyday life. I felt comfortable being invisible, being anonymous and being perceived as a knowledge keeper. We have knowledge keepers in our communities. I had to walk away from this delusion of safety in non-indigenous people. I had to trust my core feeling to guide me. Whether you understand or not, the important message is life is worth living. The only person I hurt was myself. I’ve had friends, relatives tell me. I just didn’t understand or was too afraid to follow my heart again. I breaks my heart to realize I suppressed memories of a man I loved. I wish I could tell him how the intimacy we shared guided me throughout my life. I made choices knowing those who came before me may not have been good people. I need to understand why they behaved so violently towards the women they loved. The women who gave them children.

A friend told me two things; one, that once I took this man to court, I would wonder why I had not done this sooner, and secondly, the greatest revenge I could have on those who hurt me was to live a happy life. I wrote this blog knowing these young women would and could some day heal from the abuse of Nathan Chasing Horse. How I knew they have the potential to heal someday was knowing Nathan was not the man he claimed he was. He had no respect for me nor the honesty I granted him, hoping he’d be brave enough to be honest. If anything, my ancestors taught me was that honesty is a virtue. Nathan could not and would never be honest with my step-niece.  This love Nathan had for her was made from violence, a force he imprinted on her innocence. This violence was forced on her and was not given freely nor enjoyed. I am so grateful for my friend and those friends I’ve made since then. I was healed enough to hear what her message meant. My hope is for all of Nathan’s victims that they heal. The greatest gift is to know you had the courage to report your SA and that the other gifts of life are here for you to celebrate, as young indigenous women you are where most of our female ancestors feared to tread.

As women, we are capable of so many great things once we’ve forgiven ourselves. It’s important not to forgive the person who SA you; however, it’s relevant to forgive all men who are not all predators. I no longer regret suppressing my memories, my emotions, nor do I seek out attention. It was an experience I lived, loved, and enjoyed sexual ecstasy. The sacrifice is knowing love once is all I need. I fought off my SA against two very violent married men. I repressed, and suppressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. My memories of any sexual partners virtually disappeared from years of suppressing sexual activity except for that the one love. He saves my life. Recovering memories of him guides me spiritually. A memory that surfaced during the isolation experienced during the worldwide pandemic.  Being honest about my experience with violence at a young age, many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered, I know I could have been a statistic too. My forgotten indigenous sisters were buried under a regime of systematic racism. 

publish 10/07/202 edited on August 11, 2023

Years ago ago I fell in love. It’s wasn’t easy to understand as sometime we think we are in love when we are really in avoiding pain; however, when I disclose this to others there’s no regret. Why? Cause I told him I loved him. Being honest with ourselves is how we show love for ourselves. Year, I didn’t know emotional pain accompanies pleasure. I’m totally grateful for this love of my life. Why? Why you may ask. Cause as lonely as I do get I have my memories of pleasure. 

As women’s rights were then, next to nil I was so young I really didn’t understand much about relationships & about freedom of being a woman. What it meant? Growing up I wondered why most indigenous women in my community stayed with their abusive husbands. I’d see women coming to community functions with black eyes & I also my late mom & aunties in similar situations. I just knew I didn’t want this for myself & I haven’t. So, I ran away Naïvely thinking I had all the answers. 

As I learned more about trauma PTSD & the sexual abuse most indigenous children experienced in those hell holes call Indian residential schools. And, eventually listening to my late mom & my late aunties talking about being sexually abused there, it didn’t occur to me. The total impact it had on their relationships AS WELL AS MINE. My late mom did realize this later in her life. As I’ve realized for myself being isolated in this pandemic. 

I had studied psychology & with discussions with mental health workers knew that many women on their wedding night are raped or were raped. They stayed married thinking this control their husbands have over them is normal, cause they knew or had no experience about intimacy. The abuse & control over their every move being monitored throughout their marriages I saw.

How can this be so, when children are born & their vows said before their God in a church of all places? As more & more women became educated & as more and more women started to understand her bodies, a revolution took place. It’s this younger generation who see these benefits or so we think so. Or, so we hope they support each other in sisterhood. 

As I grew up it was normal to admire high school sweethearts who married right out of high school. I realize as teenage or your from 15-24 years old our human brains are not totally developed. It’s these formative years that are very important. They set the structures up for sexual human being throughout our lives. It’s also. A foundation for every relationship we start & finish. 

Sometimes when there’s a traumatic event or events happening like war or rape or some violent act. We tend to spend our lives understanding or seeking out intimacy. I wanted to disclose my personal experiences in how I remained sexually healthy most of my life by having a heathly realionship with a healthy male friend. A man who became an intimate friend. 

If it we’re not for falling in love I believe & know that my preception of what’s normal would would been distorted after being brutality raped. I responded normally after being raped by suppressing my memories of this horrific event.  However, these indigenous men who raped me were serial rapists & Id been their 17th victim & their youngest victim. 

As lateral violence is the new catch phrase, it doesn’t do justice to the scope of how insidious this abuse is within indigenous communities. I don’t blame any indigenous girls or indigenous women for bullying or being cruel towards rape victims. I’ve learned to see the bigger picture that there were many indigenous women who were abused & kept it secret. Mostly to protect themselves for their own abusers, their abusive husbands or absive boyfriends. Just Rto image that these women thought I’d think that rape is apart of their life. It’s part of their marriage that for them is normalized or normalized from decades of sexual abuse. 

As I’ve stated & continue to restate, I chose not to be in such relationships. Much of this fear until recently was due to memories surpassed. It breaks my heart to realized that I suppressed the memories of the love of my life. Yet, it because of this love that I had fought my rapists. It’s because of this love I knew what violence was forced one wasn’t freely given nor enjoyed. If I hadn’t know love I’m convinced I probably would have thought what these rapist tried to instill in me that this was love. 

Memory of any sexual partners after being raped have virtually disappeared once I acknowledged I was loved once. It’s still amazing to me how fior. decades I repressed, surpressed any orgasm felt while being raped or any orgasms felt afterwards. I had remained sexually active six years after being raped with all orgasms surpressed. 

The reason I’m being so honest about my experience with violence is that a young age many indigenous girls & indigenous women go missing or murdered. I know I could have been a statistic too. I forgotten sister buried under a regime systematic racism. I know I’m healed. I know I loved. I know I survived. 

The love of my life saved my life. Once I recovered my memories I surpressed I realized  what he had given me. For years indigenous women would say to me to forgive my rapists. I told these women that what these men  did was an unforgivable act of violence. I started creating healthy boundaries by not entering into ceremonies where I knew rapists were or were ceremonies being held by other rapists. I found I didn’t  need to tell people why I wouldn’t participate & then I realized as I saw other women also refusing without saying why. I realized I wasn’t alone.