Kate “Love Medicine’ or ‘Love Bombing’

So this morning I got on the phone with my friend Kate everytime I have this epiphany and need to debrief or understand where I'm coming from or like give her some revelation that I've had this movement forward in my life and she's a good person I can bounce concepts off of or even get to understand like my position like she holds space for me and and it's it's a good space I think it's it becomes a sacred space especially when you trust somebody and for Kate I do the same thing for her so it's a mutual relationship that Kate and I have So what was the discussion this morning yes the discussion this morning had to do with the concept of love bombing an from kate's POV she was coming on pretty strong and saying well it has to do with obsession that has to do with somebody like giving flowers and adoration to the other person to the point where like it's smothering and the person you know just is relentless in trying to get that persons attention so eventually the person will fall in love with them yeah that's extreme but there's also a very mild type of love bombing that I had to explain to Kate about because for me it it wasn't just something that happened like in a month or two or a year there's also very subtle form of love bonding based on intergenerational trauma and I mean based on the individual who's being love bombed as having a need to have somebody pay them attention so without even knowing that I had been doing this continuously it was sort of a revelation for me and so the analogy would be well then why didn't I stop sooner because I didn't know I I always sought out the help of other intellectuals or pardon me for being so bold but I never really saw myself as an intellectual so when I first met this man he had been my therapist I had sought him out because I was looking for a psychologist that had some cross cultural indigenous training and this is the crux or the the issue here too is when you seek out non indigenous therapists there is a danger to and that danger has to do with love bombing and also cultural appropriation there's so many issues that I've as an indigenous person that you know I was really challenged and I'm saying not just like recently like this is this is something that goes on like this individual I've known for 30 years the second one I've known for 15 years so the first the first person yes had had indigenous cross cultural training and I managed to you screen potential people that I that I find because I find that there are some therapists who are just just playing curious and are bottomless pits bottomless in the sense that I could be talking and talking and there's no end to it but at the same time I do believe that their therapists have an obligation to cut their client loose but I think sometimes there's some codependency as well as some issues of getting paid so because I have been covered and I do get my therapist paid through non insured health benefits because I am a survivor of Indian residential school I'm a survivor of day school I'm a survivor of intergenerational trauma where my parents went to residential school in the same with my grandmother that being said I am the first generation who was never Rick like I was raised by my parents and my grandparents so my parents weren't raised by their their parents or the grandparents the same like I know my mother had some understanding of being raised by her grandmother but All in all intergenerational trauma is real and I'm going back to this love bombing again now in this blog I spent from 2011 being totally anonymous I never gave up my name to anybody some people were so obsessed with me that they sought me out knew my name got my phone number and even called me so yes when there's a will there's a way and someone will track you down even though you try to be anonymous this blog has been a healing blog for me because I've kept myself anonymous now what is the difference why did I get cured from love bombing and that's the question that Kate and I were talking about this morning so the question is there's two will call a dichotomy's or two will say dimensions or two lives that were lived one was anonymous and the other one was quite public like people knew this other person so it's not like I have a split personality or anything I'm just using it as an analogy so that you can help you understand the the reasoning for my stepping out of this relationship with two people and why I call it love bombing so for quite a few years if I needed any help just discussions or like I had issues with my immediate family orc my community or just topics in general I would reach out to the first person and it got to the point in the past few years that he would seek my attention he would want me to have my own about attention and come visit me and we'd have discussions no interruptions whatsoever the second one I would make sure that I would visit her at least once or twice a month and this went on for quite a while and she got paid for it the first person never got paid for it OK So what makes them similar well the point is my addiction for attention I needed my ego stroked I use the analogy of this little puppy and these two people would cuddle me you know just like a little puppy patting me on the nose and saying what a good little human or good little animal that I am and I'm I'm not trying to show them any disrespect like they I did gain some knowledge from them and I do appreciate I did I do appreciate the time I have spent with them however when it comes to love bombing it's the enabling wanting me to come to them 4 for attention like they would give me the attention I was seeking and blatantly another obtrusively and just boldly and without any sense of like pride I would go and seek them out like just like I need to talk to someone see please listen to me now that's fine and dandy but like I my friend Kate and I we don't have that same relationship we would talk about we talk about everything and with the other two people it was a little different so OK the other life the other dimension the anonymous one since 2011 I had this anonymous life online with anonymous people from Alberta Saskatchewan British Columbia Arizona South Dakota California Oregon and the topic was Nathan chasing horse they didn't know who I was they just knew that I was an indigenous woman who would give them my life experience and how I dealt with him and my advice and how they should deal with him and also my background the fact that I'm a victim of rape and how I went through the police system and the things that I encountered working with the RCMP or the lack of attention that I was getting or even what happened when I went to court and even after court the lateral violence I experienced from the perpetrators family a lot of things that when women want to heal and want to confront their perpetrators is not an easy thing so that was the purpose of my purpose of my of my blog was if any girl or woman young woman old older woman would seek me out I would try to use my knowledge like I'm an elder I'm 71 years old and they say that I'm a knowledge keeper and rightfully so a lot of people don't ever take their perpetrators to court a lot of people don't ever talk about sexual violence nor do they talk about sexual response and that's the question too I think a lot of indigenous women and maybe women in general and that's where my friend comes in Kate the reality that as women in the world there are some things that we totally have in common and that was the nature of my blog was and wanting an making an eye saying approving or allowing two men to come into my life and interview me was not a question of like oh the poor indigenous woman victim of Nathan chasing horse knew the question was and the answer is I'm a woman just like everybody else in the universe so when Kate and I were talking about love bombing she said that it was a bit extreme that I was looking at these two individuals having loved bombed me for decades and I said to her well there is a difference I said one one is like getting attention because I'm I'm basically performing to get the attention not really knowing that I was doing it at an unconscious level like an addictive level 'cause they say the victim of love bombing you seek it out because it's a really deep addiction a greater addiction than alcohol or drugs and rightfully so because with alcohol and drugs you can consume it whereas when it's love bombing it's very mental and so I say to Kate I said the difference is there was an epiphany when I had two individuals seek me out for an interview over this blog now you know what's the difference well the difference is yes they were giving me attention by asking me questions questions like how did I know who Nathan chasing horse was at the very beginning the question is why do why do I think he got away with purple trading for decades questions that the general public would ask or were curious about and the fact that I you know I said OK I'll do the interview when there were so many other people within my community who had the opportunity to be interviewed but chose to talk to the these people not just in Canada but this other fellow in California had a community where people would talk to him too so not everybody people were talking to where willing to put their names out in public so the reality of the fact that all of a sudden I'm going to become public was a very scary proposition I found myself texting both of these individuals like almost obsessively and I was wondering why am I doing that like I was thinking are they going to portray indigenous women or are they going to portray me as a woman and that's part of the BLOB why I'm doing this audiotape and I'm going to be doing video tapes on this blog to with other other women's not just indigenous women and the topic is going to be about about Nathan chasing horse and the experience I had dealing with him since 26 it's basically summarizing everything that I've written about him in a few short videos and or audio so getting back to love bombing now why is it different that these two individuals who interviewed me why is it different that I'm not addicted to at them whereas that was addicted to these other two people who I'd known for like 30 and 15 years and the difference is the two people knew me where is the two knew people didn't know me I was anonymous I wasn't out there unconsciously seeking attention because I think the intergenerational trauma I think it's a very unconscious thing it's something that is just there it's so unconscious that you don't even know you're doing it and that's the reality of it so it was very difficult for me to just cut these two people off but I had to do it because when a person in love bombs you and you try to talk to them there's no way they're going to understand and the only way that you can deal with them is to just establishing boundaries and say that's it because at the at the same time even though it's unconscious on my part imagine from their point of view so that being said because I am going to become quite public and because I am public above this blog love bombing has ceased to rule my life I didn't realize it was such a big issue until I got the attention from this blog and I'm very grateful that this blog has healed me of intergenerational trauma it's not an easy thing to talk about it's not an easy thing to you know put myself out there for the public to see and most of the women that have been supporting me I really admire the work I've done I know it's emotional and most of the content that she'll be listening to or hearing if it triggers you then you need to stop listening to me now I don't mean to offend anybody and I don't want you to be triggered and if it triggers you then you need to go and seek therapy or you need to really take a look at yourself and you know question yourself how do I get triggered do I get triggered 'cause I'm isolated do I get triggered 'cause I'm grieving do I get triggered 'cause I'm creating chronic stress or I'm in uncontrollable chronic stress so those things are very real in First Nations communities and a lot of times we have people and they're their hearts in the right place but they're not indigenous and they come into our communities wanting and seeking some knowledge they want to be knowledge keepers but it's impossible it's impossible because it's a lived lived experience so that's the difference without these two people in mental health understanding that they've been love bombing me instead of creating space for me to be just me they've been love bombing me and it like I said it's not it goes from extreme to very subtle and so the story I'm talking about is something very subtle but at the same time it was very addictive so that being said much of what I talk about in terms of my relationship with Nathan chasing wars my relationship with his followers my relationship within my community has a lot to do with how people get triggered in the topic of talking about Nathan chasing wars I think that's probably one of the reasons why I started blogging is because when I started talking about him in my community people would just shut down or people would you know wonder like why am I talking about him he's a good man so I don't know what else to say I just know that or not as perfect as we think we are I will constantly be going through phases of recovery and relapse when it comes to my mental health limerence obsession triggers like I try to tell people grieving is chronic in our communities we're constantly being bombarded with grief chronic stress as well even isolation so making an effort to be there for yourself and for other people is important so I hope but you will continue listening to the audios that I create as well as listening to some of the interaction I will have on a zoom conference on various topics but it's taken me a lifetime My cousin said to me once she found out Nathan chasing horse was arrested she said your lips are warm to see his victims getting some justice it's it's really triggering it's triggering because I think of my parents think about grandmother I think about the times they could have had justice not just them the hundreds of thousands of indigenous children that didn't have a voice because they said Marina grim granny would be proud of you but it's not just that it's it's indigenous women nice enough is enough stop hunting us stop killing us stop taking away our children stop hurting them OK I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry but that's going to be the case because I used to do this with Kate so Oh no it's OK like I said we're all human beings on this journey and you know our spirits are resilient our souls are resilient and whatever the truth is it helps it helps moving forward because you have to be in the now you can't suppress your feelings if you suppress your feelings you cut yourself off to people who actually are there for you people who actually love you that's what I'm saying you know that's the reality my parents fell in love my grandparents fell in love isn't it important that our children understand what love is OK that's it I'm done for the day I'm going to try and post this and hopefully like I said if it triggers you don't go any further if it doesn't well stay tuned to some other some other audio tapes thank you have a good day bye bye