You realize what he told you about himself was true. So, when someone says something about themselves believe them. Sometimes it take knock on the head for me to wake up.

This year I’ve met people I knew when I was 19 years old. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I just like having friends I can call to talk. I also like having positive male energy around me. 

I’m posting comments Guy made to me. Please read with an open mind as it goes with my topic about what people say about themselves. 

Wow...

I am stunned to read your story. It is an intimate revelation that sets out a life of great decisions. I do not understand why you have withdrawn so fully. A spiritual thing, yet you do not speak of this. A form of resistance. A desire to become a nun. All sorts of thoughts course through my head. you are a bright attractive woman. a lot was taken away from you by the experience of life or the fire that drove us in those days. Do not forget, that we were part of an interesting history in the development of the political face of aboriginal rights....That experience liberated me and made me survive. Tina Clark found me a place to live with her sister and husband and I had a normal life there, finishing high school as a normal person. 

I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me.   

I joined the police for two reasons, a job and a desire to show that I could do it... a Native in one of the hardest training regime. I not only succeeded but I excelled at that. I was a very strong and fierce boy. My troop mates were scared of me. The legend of the savage Indian I suppose and my fury. 

After many years, I quit the force and went on to Law School. I picked the hardest law school of them all and barely made it... I had started to drink then, feeling really lost. The police had also been my home. But I graduated and I still have friends from law school. I was the first Native graduate from the law school.   

I then went on the Article with the Department of Justice and from there various postings and jobs including Indian Affairs. I became an executive there. I was really driven. I married, had children and suddenly discovered that I was still lost. My drive had enslaved me. I was really really lost and lonely as you say, even though I was married. So I ran away. I cowed from suicide, but it was a constant companion with me for a very long time. A fantasy that I did not have to continue suffering forever. Instead as I said, I ran away. To Israel oddly enough. I had had my first heart attack at 44 and I knew, although I survived that my career of advancement was finished. I was still the same man but I was vulnerable at work, so I left the feds on a pension.   

I felt humiliation at being sick. I was not sick, my heart had no consequences except death. Once survived all is normal again but I knew that I was ill, that people said that it was because of my lifestyle. I felt a great deal of guilt.... 

My wife at that time asked for a divorce. While in Israel I had met a married Jewish woman, who stills writes to me as well, and this was the basis for the divorce. I immediately left and came to Europe with my Police pension, my federal pension and my drinking issues. I met another lawyer, a swiss woman, we still write, and I married her and eventually became swiss. She is now in the process of divorcing me.  

About 10 years ago, in Mexico, I watched a movie with Keanu Reeves. In the movie there was a priest who had issues and one was drink. He was targeted by the angels and he went mad. He tried to drink but the bottle he drank from would never get empty. Wow. I saw it then so I quit. I have never had a drink since. I tried a beer and my body reacted once. I got very sick after half of the bottle. I have never wanted a drink after that. 

you know a lot about me. More than I know myself. Even now, I block out my thoughts about what I am, what I want, why I do things. I cannot bear to see them. I see all the things I hate, cowardice is an important one, humiliations, accepting insult and injury without reacting. I love challenge, not because I am made happy, but because I always want to show others that I can do it.. I hated being brown and native. I wanted to show that I was capable. I have been very lucky because I was always the strongest person around, physically and in my mind.   

I still cannot talk as fully about myself as you can. I simply find it too hard and painful. I sometimes sit and cry, trying to not feel sorry for myself for by all measures I have had a successful life.   

I do not want to go back home. There is too much pain associated with that place. A lot of this caused by myself. I realize that another reason that I chose the police and law and responsibility for others was a great fear that I needed to protect myself from myself. I feel very vulnerable unless I have the certainty of discipline, I don’t trust myself to be free. I might hurt someone and then become a prisoner once again.   

wow. I really appreciate what you wrote. I will read it again and try to connect to the points that you have made. 

Take Care 

Guy

There were a lot of things he disclosed about himself indirectly. Yet, the bottom line was exactly what he said about himself. He’s wanted to show people he’s capable. This hate for being a brown native, his revenge, is real. 

Everything that appears to make him look like a competent human being continues to rule his life. I’m grateful he disclosed all that he did; however, his hatred for being brown also meant his taste in his women. 

As a result he’s played his women with his same pickup line. He became rigid CATFISHING using social media to garner women’s attention. As he’s said his second wife separated from him for eleven years until she recently took him back; however, any attempt to deal with his CATFISHING is a worry. 

Maybe, just maybe he’s been CATFISHING his entire life. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad and lonely. 

Lastly, his siblings love him deeply. I believe they would accept him with all his new disabilities. He doesn’t need to isolate and withdraw from us. People who knew him when he was 18,19,20 &21 years old. 

Guy knows I have positive male energy in my life. I will continue seeking out old acquaintances like Guy. Since disconnecting with Guy, I’ve meant two people who hung out with Guy and unlike Guy I will continue keeping in touch. I’ve also met a friend who spent years tracking me down. We too, we’ll keep in touch too. 

Guy hates being brown. He hates being native. Logic says to me he hates me cause I am brown. He hates me cause I am native. Consequences for him is he could never be friends with a brown native woman. My bottom line is he’s incapable of being an intimate friend to an indigenous woman cause we don’t register with him. 

What I remember the most is his statement on hate and revenge: "I have spent most of my life filled with HATE and REVENGE. A desire to show everyone, a lot of this my father who beat me regularly, coldly, he was not a drinker and to the end of his days he thought he did right by me." 

When I was raped and decided to deal with all the lateral violence against me. Violence perpetrated by the rapist’s wives and their family members. I had to decide after discovering all the hate they directed towards me wasn’t personal rather it was a coping mechanism to deal with their own trauma. After all their wives were accustom to being beaten and presumably raped by them as well. The only difference was I didn’t have to endear what they had for decades. So I realized revenge towards them and their family wasn’t worth it. Quote: "the best revenge is a life well lived." So, I decided to be happy. 

Once I made that decision I knew taking these men to court would be fine. I wanted to move forward without any regrets. As a result the lone survivor who raped me was charge, judged and sentenced. It’s been over a few decades and I am grateful for all those positive women who guided me. 

So, when Guy says he was driven by hate and revenge I could relate; however, My anger for the lateral violence I experienced for decades by malicious women meant forgiveness towards them. I did this by telling the one wife who was still alive that I had no regrets. I told her I knew they saw me unconscious in their husband’s front seat covered in blood. I told her this so she’d know I knew that their first instinct was to help me. If they had not gone into the house and if they had just taken me to the hospital without waking up the one husband of theirs. I would have felt rescued; however, instead they both left me in the car without waking me up. I laid there feeling ashamed in silence. I heard them wondering when would they come for me. Then I heard them screaming and crying getting into their vehicle leaving me in that cold cold car. Apparently, when the woke up the lone husband he took a baseball bat to his wife. She was beaten up and afraid. They were both afraid as it was both their husbands who had raped me. The reason they were together was both these women were sisters. 

Both these women were married into my community. The one sister took the other to their friend’s home. The lone sister went home without the other sister. The sister who was beaten stayed away from her husband for two weeks 

I did I know all this you may wonder. Well, decades past before the woman who kept the one sister for two weeks became my best friend. She disclosed to me that she didn’t know that was the girl who was raped by those two men. She told me what happened that morning after I was raped. This information wasn’t apart of the court documents had it was after the sole perpetrator was judged and sentenced that my friend told me. I believe we were talking about him stalking me after he had served his time in prison. 

Well, getting back to hate and revenge, I lived my life best by being happy. So, when I relaid this story to the sole surviving wife she said that "she saw me in the bedroom with her sister’s husband" I told her about the events following her dropping her sister off at a friends place to concur my story. She could say anymore. 

I did this not out of revenge rather to let this dole survivor know that I had no anger nor revenge towards her or her family. I wanted her to know that I regretted not telling her sister before she had died. I wanted them to know that I knew their first instinct was to help me. 

I did this and now when I see her in public she doesn’t say anything to me. When I see my rapist he doesn’t talk to me. I live in my community where I was raised and raped. Hatred and revenge had no room for me as if I had felt these feelings I’d have no peace and I wouldn’t thrive and survive here. 

Guy’s hate and revenge bothered me. His whole description of being alone and lonely bothered me. I know what I went through. I know the courage took on me to talk with the sole surviving wife. As I reflect back I can now see the courage it took for me to charge these two men with rape. As you see it wasn’t just these men rather it was also the three others who sat there watching these men carrying me upstairs kicking and creaming. It was also allowing these people to cover up such a crime. 

I know these two men could have killed me. I know that as a victim the lateral violence I experienced by people hiding and protecting the rapist is the same lateral violence so many girls experience. 

As much as I’ve tired to support all of NCH’s victims the community as exiled him from here. They are protecting our most vulnerable people from him. It’s just that girls were hurt. My community isn’t perfect. We are just like other First Nation communities. I just can say that our girls need our support. It’s a reflection of bigger picture. Our children’s mental health is important. 

As much as I’ve written about NCH. I must also much he was a child once. He wasn’t born a perpetrator. He grew into it. We tend to create a myth about our rape culture by identifying him as being gifted rather than being in possession of a personality disorder. Just like the wife who created a myth about me. These myths were created as a coping mechanism for those who repeatedly experience trauma. 

I hope my blog gets people thinking that hatred and revenge doesn’t heal you it retards the healing process. A process that some victims may never reach if they can not find the courage to heal. 

I’m not perfect. I still seek happiness. I still seek celebrating my accomplishments. I do know sharing what I know I hope helps someone out there. The point is seek out healthy people to trust with your secrets. 

Guy emailed me. He had nothing to lose writing to me. I had nothing to gain. He, I hoped and still hope finds his courage to heal.