Sometimes I wonder

I can see why people get frustrated with injustice and just want to not think about things. We’ve lost bed in a rape culture so much that when a family member gets hurt we just think “oh! They’ll get over it.” When really, we don’t dare think about the consequences of him or her not getting over it. 

Much I’ve written about is about people who were abused in childhood and developed into adults. Some like most of us were depressed as children and never really dealt with our depression. I see this in how my nieces and nephew’s handle their own parent’s depression. It’s so noortant for them not to go into denial about their parent or parent’s lack of coping skills. 

For this reason I believe in therapy as parents bring an awareness to mental health concerns when their children start noticing. If we are fortunate enough the children will get the guidance they need from outside their parental unit. 

As of late I’ve had to think about my own situation and my own thoughts. As most times I don’t write about who I am or why I write the way I do. An acquaintance whom I’ve recently written about had commented about my choices to remain single my entire life. He wondered if was for religious reasons or for spiritual reasons. I hadn’t really given it much thought as I’ve just taken it for granted that I’d remain single. How I got to this point came about over a long period of time. In fact it just evolved, I’d say. 

I’d like to think it came out of depressive state. A state that was normal for me as I saw both parents struggling with depression as well as my siblings. So the next question is if we were all so damn depresssed how did we survive? And here’s the rub or the catch is that as human beings we are continually struggling with some form of depression. 

My lovely Aunty put it this way when I called her about my decision to step back or away from my sister’s behavior towards me and her children. She said all her children don’t get along. Each one as an issue with the next and it’s just that as a family unit we try to get along with one another. And that the whole point isn’t it? This attitude of who do we support and how is it that some people seem to manage when really they’re just coping. 

As the years or this past decade went by I wondered and still wonder how some people manage to manipulate tgeir way through life. Most of the time most people hid their mental health issues by exhibiting self harming behavior towards themselves when their manipulative behavior is not rewarded. 

Most of the time as indigenous people we get saturated with this behavior as it’s so common that it’s perceived as normal. I mean when I was traumatized as the most vulnerable time of my life I struggled to just survive my thoughts. Thoughts that I thought were helping me cope and they were for a time; however, I had to see it first. It wasn’t something we’re someone sat me down and gave me a set of instructions. 

And, much of my blog I try not to give instructions as this method as no purpose in changing a thought. And for me in recent months I’ve had to rethink how I think about my choices. Some say it comes with age this self reflective state of reexamining reason. It really didn’t occur to me that this was exactly what I was doing each time I felt lonely or alone. 

My acquaintance disclosed a personal side of himself only after I exposed a personal side of myself. I thought I was helping him when really he must have been guided to me by creator for me  to re-examine my life. I went through this process of thinking I was healing him when in fact he was healing me. I’m grateful for his insight; however, I had to see why I was thinking thoughts about him, an acquaintance not a ex-lover, nor boyfriend and not even a lifetime long friendship but an acquaintance. 

As human beings we are wired to response to others from our past experiences. It didn’t occur to me that my feelings of loneliness and aloneness kicked in automatically when I realize I am here. It’s the only way I can explain being the moment and realizing my own thoughts are guiding me. 

This acquaintance put it to me as he wrote to what degree he saw me. As I’ve tried over the years to understand behavioral thought within myself I really didn’t cope with intimacy about being in this moment or any moment. I’d thought people sexual relationship has this continuous support but it’s within all of us. We are all gifted. It’s just a matter of how often we validated our own memory of self. 

I know I’m getting deep and such is my reasoning for this post. When I first started writing and writing about a very controversial behavior of a sexual predator there were a few readers who thought I was CATFISHING. I didn’t understand this concept until this year. And, if anyone know about this term it mean creating a false personal to manipulate another person into believing their story. It’s usually done when someone is obsessed about a live interest. 

The person I wrote about manipulated his female followers to believe I was a cougar whom he rejected. I didn’t get wind of this until years later when these women actually contacted me either by phone or email. It was so bad I had one women come in from the USA to sneak a peak at me. It got so bad that rumors of being sued by him was messaged to me. So, I changed his name to just initials. 

The things is my lawyer advices me that if any of his follers tried to pursue any legal action they would have to prove their stories in court. For me this was all fine as the guy has hurt so many girls and women that even his past followers are now his worse enemies. So, really don’t write too much about him now cause he loves attention whether it’s positive or negative his personality disorder won’t allow him to not stop seeking attention of any kind. 

I know for myself I’ve had time to reflect on my own behavior. I’ve a tendency to do such reflection as it’s my only companion along with a few intimate friends. I’m encouraged to by the amount of mental healthy indigenous people who’ve read my blog and continue to read my blog. It gives me strength and hope for our youth that we are all trying our best to get along with each other. 

It does help to seek out elder’s wisdom. I am an elder and I do seek out other elders. We live lonely and alone lives hoping the best for our youth. The young man I first started writing about created such a negative reputation for himself. Take away his regalia, take away his followers and one day he will be lonely and alone. I find it’s this spiritual journey we take that gives us these blessings when we become elders. It how we treat ourselves that is a reflection of how we love ourselves. I have my parents to thank forvthese teaching, as well as all my relative. So, take heed and remember we all all connected.