https://youtu.be/DYvUxHHJloQ?si=V3WzGSFGNEPrcq_s
Since the charges were dropped & speculation about what's going to happen next is out there. I had more people wanting my explanation of this situation. People need to vent their frustration or people who genuinely care & then there are those women who are just cruel.
Years ago a warm compassionate woman taught me something about being a good woman. I had no understanding of boundaries. It's not uncommon for so many women. It all started when I was director of education. I met two therapists who were establishing their practices working within an Indigenous culture from a non-indigenous perspective.
Both did play a major part. She died at 55 & he's 79. Both were there for me at the beginning & end of my ‘soap opera’ journey in understanding the components of healing. I'm writing this hope for women who may feel impatient about their healing journey. She told me at the beginning that once I started this process I could never return. For me, it felt like wanting to be an ostrich starting to hide my head thinking nobody would ever see me. She was right. Writing my blog is like lifting my head out of the sand knowing I can know the stages of relapse & recovery. Mostly too, many shrink away from these words cause they equate recovery & relapse with addiction.
I wanted to mention there is a beginning or an abstract understanding of a beginning. Little did I realize the impact it would have on me an.elder knowledge keeper for young women. Its really a reflection on what happens as we age if we choose to not challenge our perceptions of our own reality based around healthy human sexualiry. Years ago as my friend would tell me about the history of women, most git married were virgins. Most learned the violence of men on their wedding night & would carry their sexual response as being the norm. Talking about how women would find the courage to leave such abusive relatiohios is the corner stone of a beginning.
The History of Linerance came out of supports groups of women who supported each other in groups of spouses whose partners were alcoholics or drug addicts. These women went tgrought a journey of self reflection & started identifying their adductive thoughts. Thoughts that enabled addictive thoughts around their attachments to their partners. For most battered women this self reflection was a life or death situation with most leaving for their own safety. The more women in recovery from abuse, the more need Fir them developing a twelve step program around this attachment disorder or thus self-defeating behavior. A behaviour that had a beginning. A behaviour where a story of survival was created.
My friends did say once I started there was no way I could ever return. She said that I would acknowledge why it took me so long such an abstract beginnings of what eliminating such self destructive thought patterns did for me. . And, yes it takes time & patience. My mom called it self love. It also meant taking on the acceptance of what I allowed. I'm gratefully acknowledging that I really appreciate the many women who helped me. In my study of psychology so many taught me or in an abstract sense of having invisible helping hands. (look for limerence support groups)
Yes, a beginning, there were two indigenous women who both were very promiscuous in their youth. What do they have to do with my journey is that I'm grateful that in my journey I've seen these women have children & grandchildren. I believe they truly believed they were each others best friend. Both appeared to be advocates for beaten & battered women. I say appeared.
Here my story, when I made a pokice report of being SA 20 years after. These two were in the court room. In hindsight they were like two vultures waiting the their next meal to die. I jest cause in reflection after knowing what they did afterwards. After my perpetrator wafoubd guilty & sentenced. The one went to her uncle helping him sell his cattle. She wanted him consolidated his physical assets into cash. She thought that since his son was found guilty I would take his family through civil court suing for danages. This of course was the furthest from my mind.
Yes, my soap opera story, did happen. I say soap opera cause I live in a small community where people who get involved suddenly with family member other famiky members question. So, yes her Cunningness did get back to me through her cousin. A cousin who owns cattle herself. A cousin said their excuse for selling the uncles cattle was to help him with his finances. This action took place shortly after my perpetrator started servicing his two year sentence. They really thought I was out for revenge and again this was the furthest from my mind.
My late father had thus saying of actions speaking louder than words. So yes, her actions of falsely appearing to be supportive of me or any other women who seek justice are not credible. And thus is the rub of holding space for victims is to listen cause its not her story rather its the victim's truth, her story.
Action is healing, there's is an action. For me, as an advocate is to self-reflect. Challenging, giving it a name, holding space & to finally bare witness. Little did I know it would take decades.
Human behaviour of holding onto to a self defeating thought not understanding just how self-destructive it is in denying oneself happiness. Deconstructing a thought, deconstructuring an addiction dies not happen within a week, months a year. Its a lifetime journey of self discovery if you have the courage to take the first step.
As a knowledge keeper, an elder indigenous woman, I am grateful. My late dad would also say ‘it ain't over under we are six feet under ground!’ It apears I am lonely & alone. It appears that I am not holding space for another. Its taken me decades to understand this transition from a childhood thoughtful meaning releasing it to transform into an adult. Some human beings never transform & remain in their childhood.
We are responsible for how we treat each other. Decades before I met Nath Chasing Hotse I met a Kiowa man from Oklahoma.I tell my soap opera story about being intimate with him to my cousin. She said ‘You.told him what?’ I told him I loved him. My cousin said she would never tell any man this & I told her I did believe I felt live for him. I explained to my cousin the reason for telling him I loved him. I had to work with him. I rushed losing my business connection. I needed him to help me with a mebtal health project. I trusted him. It took baby steps before him there was another & afterwards each man was an like invisible helping hand. I had to explain this Limerent I had for him. He understood it wasn't LOVE rather a false feeling that I was dealing with. He needed to know it was a false narrative, illusion or delusion about him. If he could be patient & understand my motives were not to seduce him or gain favor. I know my cousin probably thought all man want sex & not to be vumberable. I mean I don't like men who are in limerence with me.
Its one of the main reason why I remained single my entire life. It doesn't mean to say I am asexual. I've learned being human means holding onto healthy human sexual responses. People don't need to know what I keep sacred. Let feelings come.
Its Thanksgiving weekend 🍂🦃
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