About four years ago a Holy Man or so his followers called him came into my community. She told me this man; I will call him NCH slept with her. She was fifteen at the time. My step-niece said he told her he loved her and that he didn’t have sex with his other girlfriends because he only had sex with her. It gets worse; he also had sex with three other fifteen year olds.  

2010 Holy Man, named NCH

 

 About four years ago a Holy Man, named NCH or so his followers called him 'Holy" came into my community, a First Nations called 'Tsuu tina.' 

She told me that this man I will call him NCH slept with her. She was fifteen at the time. She was my step-niece, who said he told her that he loved her and that he didn't have sex with his other girlfriends, because he only had sex with her. 

It got worse as the months went on; I learned later he also had sex with three other fifteen year old girls.

This disclosure took place in the spring of 2007. I met NCH in the fall of 2006 on the HBO movie set called, 'Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.' From the fall until the spring NCH came into my community preforming various spiritual ceremonies. By the summer of 2007, his followers from here were attending and participating in his 'Sundance' held in Wolf's Point, Montana. By the fall of 2007, he and his entourage were back in Tsuutina. It was here that I first saw his 8 year old apprentice, or so her mother claimed. 

As it was in the that summer prior to his Sundance that he attended the Sundance here where the mother of his apprentice attended. It was the first time I heard he was training a children to become like him. This child grew up travelling with him along with her mother until she was thirteen, by fourteen NCH SA this child. 

He was arrested in January of 2023 where he remains in custody until the Nevada Supreme Court determines his trail date. 

 

Text: About four years ago a Holy Man or so his followers called him came into my community. She told me this man; I will call him NCH slept with her. She was fifteen at the time. My step- niece said he told her he loved her and that he didn’t have sex with his other girlfriends because he only had sex with her. It gets worse; he also had sex with three other fifteen year olds.

She set us back an entire culture of people

Buffy Saint Marie not being indigenous. Her real name is Beverly Jean Santamaria. She thought decades ago about becoming indigenous & acted on these thoughts. She was never adopted. She was born in Massachusetts USA with Italian parents. 

Nathan Chasing Horse not being a Lakota Medicine Man. He’s thought of having sex with children decades a ago & acted on these thoughts. He was never accepted as a Medicine Man by his own reservation. He was born into environment of poverty with Lakota teenage parents. 

All this information on these two fakes are published in transcripts. They both brought shame on all those indigenous people; First Nations, Metis & Inuit. Indigenous people who I've known  who lived through hell in those indian residential schools, as if they had no voice & only theirs mattered. I am totally disgusted with them both.  Survivors of trauma deserve respect. I'm quoting a friend as it too is heart breaking for authentic indigenous people who were denied their status, denied their voice, denied their existence. What they've done is criminal exploitation of an entire culture of people!

With all their talent they didn't need an indigenous identity of; one being adopted into an indigenous family, the other adopting an genuine medicine man persona. So why did they do it? For Buffy St. Marie she's still saying she was adopted & evidence against her increasely grows against her. For Nathan Chasing Horse he's still saying he's innocent & evidence against him increasely grows against him. 

They both had many people believe their stories. Buffy St. Marie claiming she was adopted and that she didn't know who her parents were. She was raised by her natural Italian parents with a full blooded younger sister. Nathan Chasing Horse claiming he was a holy Lakota medicine man and that he was accepted as one by his reservation. He was raised by his biological Lakota parents & had so many children with so many women. 

I was thinking about these two fraudulent people thriving in our indigenous communities. These people were around greatness. These people having intimate relationships with greatness. Their choices in life are not revealed until the damaged created by their behaviour leads to their public exposure. These two fooled many for decades cause they surrounded themselves with the greatness that was not theirs. A greatness of those that came before us. A greatness that is carried within their honesty. 

child brides and eliminating self-defeating behaviors

 So much was taken from indigenous culture including our matriarchal ways of teaching healthy human being’s sexuality to our girls & our women. 

Listen to this historian talk about patriarchy from the world across the Ocean. Then, imagine what life was like for thousands of years prior to the influences of colonialism in the Americas.

I was delivered into this world by my grandmothers. My closest friend was a mid-wife. 

Intergenerational trauma is understanding the effects on each generation is important not just for indigenous people but the world. 

Promoting healthy human sexuality to women who were taught not to speak about sex or women who suppress their feelings scares people. My Limerence should not frighten men but most non-indigenous men are scared. They don't understand. 

In society there are so many men who seek to control women’s bodies. A child’s body isn't mature enough to experience childbirth let alone a healthy orgasm. Women all over this world know this, at least those who are mothers. The science of women is new & so female sexual response. 

My trauma crippled me not in a way that froze me emotionally. Read up on eliminating self-defeating behaviour to understand what takes to become responsible for our own human sexuality. 

Limerence needs support system in place. Awareness of support groups or individuals is important in establishing healthy relationships. A self-defeating thought is addictive in anyone whose trauma breeds fear. Focusing on someone whose is unobtainable distracts us from being present. 

We all know or seemingly gossip about someone who we say has ‘bad luck’ or ‘bad medicine’ in all their relationships. We easily get labeled as being strange or mental case we isolate ourselves. The older get the more aware I am of making myself available to meeting new people. 

In my youth, I didn't like boys or men who became limerent with me. I'd create my own gossip to remain limerent with a man so I would not be peer pressures into dating. Throughout my single life I've been blessed to attach myself to men who I could share my limerent behaviour with. At first, I didn't know what was limerence. Talking to a man I was in limerence took courage; however, as the layers of self-defeating behaviour started shedding its ugly head. The easier it became to understand relapse & recovery of limerence.

I was also fortunate to be around non-indigenous people who made fun of my limerence. As I got older it was even more insidious. I was perceived as wanting to date outside of my class or race. I was perceived as looking for someone to rescue me from my poverty. Today, I still find non-indigenous men scared of my limerent energy. I am also grateful for the respect I am paid by indigenous men I grew up with who call me, ‘sister!’

We all make mistakes cause we are human beings; however, my limerent energy stems from a matriarchal way of thinking. Something a colonial mindset fails to understand in their patriarchy. I think in the patriarchy of European descent people call women such as me, ‘witch.’ 

I am an indigenous woman of Dakota Sioux descent who was the ways of WHITE BUFFALO CALF WOMAN. 

I try to explain there are protocols in place. Our men are not immune to their own limitations with Limerence.

I am also including a video on recovery of limerence.

My biggest pet peeves in life and most consistent pet peeve is people who use historical ages and distort them to push their own agenda.  *Within most indigenous communities when an adult male sexually assaults a child it was acceptable. In most case the child would marry her perpetrator and continue to be abused throughout her life. This push for the perpetrators own agenda was supported by priests who taught women should obey their husbands. Understanding that most children were raised through generations in Indian Residential Schools were sexual assault or any form of sexual education was denied. My late mother told me when she first got pregnant, she thought she was going to have a litter of children like a dog having puppies. This is why I say these children were treated like animals and they were taught they were a subspecies of humans.) cause let me let you there has never been in the history of the western world and this man is of European descent so we’re going with the western world there has never been a single time in which has been socially acceptable for 40-year-old have sex with 14 year old. (Understanding the content of why it would be important for a child to grow up into adulthood within an indigenous community were children were considered HOLY BEINGS as in the Dakota, Nakota and Lakota cultures.

It just doesn't happen. It never happened. I Think a big reason that people believe it happened is because this notion that people drop dead that the day they turn 30 and that's just not true. (Indigenous people did not drop dead at 30 prior to genocidal activities that lasted 500 years. Indigenous peoples lived long lives.) In any part of History has not been true. Infancy has been the real big struggle and childbirth as well, which will get you in a moment. But infancy itself, If people survived infancy, they typically live to be about 60 to 70 years old with 1 and 10 living to be 80 plus years old. If we get in our time Machines of fly back to 16th century. You’ll see that women got back then very Similar to the age that they get married today, mid to late 20s. Ann Boleyn was 33 years old when she married Henry the Eighth. And that’s not to say that there weren’t child brides because there were child brides. You can find the entire list, going back to the 9ths century on Wikipedia of every child ride that's ever been notable but the catch is the child brides were typically marrying child grooms okay. They went marrying men in their 40s. Most that will marry men 21 to 25 years old, which still isn't great, but it's not 40, has never been 40. And on the very rare occasion that it was 40, they weren’t real marriages. There was no sex involved, and by the time that girl was 18 & 20 years old, because whatever conflict required them to be married in the first place had been resolved. Som there was no reason for them to be married anymore. You’d be Very, very, very hard pressed to find a single child bride who married a 40-year-old man with any offspring. It was their offspring because they were having sex and the reason for that, quite simply, was childbirth. A fifteen-year-old body even today because biology doesn’t change. is not prepared to give birth to a child. Its not built to give birth to a child.  And I know the pedophile argument if they got their period then they’re mature enough to give birth to a child. No, they are not. Eight-year-old gt their periods these days its got a lot to do with their weight. You are at a certain weight you start menstruating, that’s the way biology works. So, eight-year-olds these days are menstruating because of a higher weight and higher height.  That doesn’t mean that they’re ready to give birth. And a thirteen year old back then were not ready to give birth either. And nobody knew this better that people of the past. ( As I’ve said, know the people who came before you. My grandmothers knew and so did my late mother who had her first child at twenty-one years of age.)  People of the past knew this very well. They knew better than we know how deadly how deadly childbirth is. 40 year olds of te past we’re not going to get a 13 year old daughter of the Lord they want money from the farmer that they wan resources from Pregnant because that risks them dying as soon as that 13 year old dies in childbirth, whatever alliance that was suppose to be formed from that marriage is over. So, what they would do instead is that they had a nephew or a son who was similar to the girl they would get married instead. And that’s how the alliance would be formed. And the girls would go off to court training Which is typically from about the age of 12 for about 10 to 15 years, and boy would go up to where he was gonna do over its farming or not. So whatever it was whale fishing, he would go up and do that and then once careers were set in place, then they would come back and they would have offspring. And, that’s how you got here my friend (referring to the man who first said marry a child to a 40 year man was acceptable) Sorry to ruin you pedophile and wet dreams and no offense

With all the genocide that took place over the hundreds of years, and all that happened with murder and genocide within my culture of people not living long does not mean that this was normal. Because I was a product of home delivery, my grandmothers delivered me into this world. And the matriarchy knew. A child could not withstand childbirth. So this whole mythology of like it being traditional that you have? A child bride is just total fantasy. Structure of misogyny. That's just my opinion, but the reality of it is it still happening today, and peoples are still believing stories that men make up for their own. Wim or wet dreams.  thank you.

Hey. Just like I'm going to fantasy. It's like if you have a fantasy like four times a year for 10 minutes, OK, fine, have your fantasy. But if it starts to be where you can't have actual closeness with real people, there it is. Now. That's why Limerence exists, is to compensate for that inability to connect. So, the solution is, is to start working. On that ability to connect and I just highly recommend doing it with people who are super neutral and understanding for you. *This is not easy if your community is made up of people who are mostly Misogynists. Something taught by priest or religion demanding the woman obey her husband) I got so much help of Al-Anon. You know going to 12 step rooms where other people were working on stuff. They do not have the same issues as me but there were some who did and. Having friends who I could be connected to. In our community we have a bunch of people who are healing from limerence. They do the daily practice together. Or in our membership community there's like peer LED daily practice class three or four times a day but practice. And I don't mean to say that friends are just practice and then to be discarded or anything but. It's a little more neutral, not as charged, not as like. (I’ve mentioned Limerence in this blog to some extent. I’ve been fortunate to be guided to super neutral and understanding men wo helped in meaningful conversations around feelings that were leading into my being in Limerence with them. When I’ve reached out to friends they are amazed that I had the courage to expose my feelings especially when so many misogynistic would take advantage, as we see in #MMIWG2S) It's not going to lead to limerence. It's very unlikely too. And it's a way for you to learn to love when the right thing comes along. It doesn't disrupt your happiness; it doesn't disrupt your stability. It sort of comes in slowly and adds to it so you'll know it when it comes. You are now getting ready for that.

The reason I'm using this video is because like throughout the decades, I've taken psychology classes and different techniques of dealing with limerence. Most part its of self reflection looking at your own self-defeating behavior. So, if you're interested look at childhood fairy 1-13. Alot of her techniques are little different because they're not focusing on indigenous communities. Thinking many times when you're trying to practice healing from limerence, it's very unlikely that you will find a healthy person that you can trust. My late brother would encourage me to go out and meet people. With the constant stressor within Indigenous communities living in isolation, chronic stressors, chronic relief are contributing factors in developing and maintaining this self-defeating behavior called Limerence. After all, its your best friend who doesn’t gossip about you or is not jealous of your accomplishments. For me, I went to therapy, and I also took part and classes too. It is totally up to your skill set to look for in what's available in your community or your environment.  I hope this is helpful. Thank you.

 

Joe Buffalo, talks about his dad being sexually molested. He talks about the effects of Indian Residential School had on him. 250 kids crying. He could hear the spirits in the walls. "Whose going to protect me?" Yet, his parents had it worse. His story about a rough life being a wild child. I am posting this video for all those who believe they can not heal. We as indigenous people were taught 'white adjacency'is the ideal because we are worthless and invisible. We depend on others. We depend on those we do not know to come safe us. So many times I've seen my leaders buy 'medicine people' to come heal us. We do not look from within our own indigenous communties for our own healers. I post this video about Joe Buffalo. As I've written this blog discussing my own journey hoping to gain the respect of men towards indigenous women and indigenous girls. It's the strength of those trained indignous women. During times when I just feel like giving up. When I hear that I am 'black listed' within my own community. I am an elder here and yet the leadership do not like what I write within my blog. Joe Buffalo talks about directlng his energy towards his craft of skatebroading rather than directing towards drug addictions. He's speaking the truth about the impact of intergenerational truama has on all our indigenous or some called all First Nations communties. We continue to lose our youth. A generation is being lost. The money directed towards Truth and Reconciation is not making its way to the 'grassroots' people instead its going to those who were educated within a colonial system that is systemic. We are our own medicine. We are those sp'sirits that our ancestors prayed to help us heal. I've said this to my nephews. We do not need to pay so called 'plastic medicine people' we do not need indigenous adjacency. Those who get money because the are associated with thrid world people like me. Yes, whats happening in the middle east and the death and distruction happened to us at some point in our history. Those who are oppressed, whose who suffer from conflict understand. We may not be hidding from bombs or gun fire, we are still dying. Society shoses who lives and who dies. We must find the courage to continue healing. As my own people as with so many Frist Nations or indigenous people (whatever is acceptatble) are experiencing. Anytime we accpet money from the government or from within our own communities, we are slienced. I am heartbroken that the victims of Nathan Chasing Horse who live within my community refuse to talk about how they are healing. This video of Joe Buffalo is prove that healing is possible without shame or fear. I only wish and hope those who were and still being effected by this 'fake, plastic medicine man' will find their courage. Since the denial of Indian Residentical School is so prevalent for decades that our own leadership pays such fake people. Thousand of dollars paid out becausse we can not see our own people's strengths. There is a new generation who are listening and I hope they hear or read my blog. Many times I've felt like i was all alone, loonely. I am human. I have needs. I still need acceptance and validation too. it's how we or I direct my energy. So my reader, I ask you to visualize me being encased in a bubble made up of postive,protective, reflective healing energy directed to saying to people "i love you!"

woman's song

 

The Nakota, Dakota and Lakota Womoan's song this is my late mother's interpretaton translated into Dakota I will attempt to edit it in the best way possible as I've worked on this song for sometime now. 

 1.My late mother's wording 

 Nahaŋ winyaŋ kiŋ 

 Bdihečiya ye 

 Niye opeča 

 Ničiŋča kiŋ ča 

 Oyate kiŋ ye 

 Wačiŋ hi yape

My listening to an app to get the universal translate of the language attached for everyone to sing it. There are so many different dialects, so I am hoping I can feel comfortable in sing it later on 

2. Woman’s song 

 Núŋǧe yúzA wiŋyaŋ kiŋ (listen women) 

 BdihédičiyA ye (have courage) 

 Niyé opeca (get ready)

 Ničhíŋkši kiŋ ca (your children) 

 Oyate kiŋ ye (Your people) 

 WačhiŋkuyA hi yape (are depending on you)

Why do you think, It's so important for Indigenous voices to be heard in their most authentic way as opposed to being told from the view of somebody on the outside?

 

Why do you think, it's so important for Indigenous voices to be heard in their most authentic way as opposed to being told from the view of somebody on the outside?

As I reflect on my childhood, from the very early ages from the time I saw my first non-indigenous person. As a toddler, then at age five, then when my parents started travelling into South American and then at age ten, they went into India. Even attending the City of Calgary Public School system, I have engaged with seen people engaging with my community. Reflecting back is important into wondering why my family allowed ‘white adjacency’ influences in our lives. At first, people within my community will say ‘its because your family, my step-grandfather was hereditary Chief or that my uncle was Chief, or my aunt sat on Council. It didn’t occur to me that childhood trauma was connected to this notion that my people, my indigenous people engaged with people who hoped to fix things, exploit us, exploit our land and our resources by saying that we as indigenous peoples were doing these things to ourselves. Let me call it what it is, we were poor, and we were uneducated. Generations had gone through a systemic racist system called ‘Indian Residential Schools.’ Having ‘White Adjacency’ was like being smart by just having some DNA that came from European bloodline. Its still a misconception amongst older indigenous people. As for me, I pray to my Creator to protect such people, as I do not know what they see in me. Think about it, when a non-indigenous person reads this blog about, the exploitation of a young so called ‘Medicine Man,’ Nathan Chasing Horse.

I now think about how I look at this blog, I know now as I knew then, some seventeen years ago, that like a indigenous woman who a victim of sexual assault or family violence, there would be others. Single moms, she might be on welfare, she might get onto the internet, social media and even google the name, Nathan Chasing Horse. She might see this blog from me, an indigenous woman, from intergeneration trauma circumstance, right. Seventeen years ago, I was looking, googling his name trying to get references from people whom he worked with in any youth programs. I thought there should be more about him as he was in the movie ‘Dances with Wolves.’ I was looking for an indigenous voice out there in cyberspace. In reflection, I know its important for indigenous voices to be heard from within our own authentic way as opposed to being told from the view of somebody from the outside.

This year, after January when Nathan Chasing Horse was arrested in Nevada, I put myself out there in the ‘public eye.’ It’s this transition from being a private person being unknown on this blog site. Without ever mention my real name, I accepted being interviewed. Along with is choice came some problems. For decades, I associated myself with ‘white adjacency,’ like a so called thirty-year so-called friendship with a forensic psychologist, and then, a ten-year relationship with my therapist. All these years, their voices were there telling me from their perspectives. It was not so apparent. Until they realized that my blog was getting international attention. I needed to step back. Their behavior towards me changed. I needed to look at myself and look at my entire story.  For a long time, these people engaged with my community, with the hope of fixing us, saving us, by knowing us, and I think they never wanted that.

As I’ve stated, my parents and my grandparents experienced intergenerational trauma at the hands of missionaries. Even when they were selected to travel around the world for two years, it was under the umbrella of being good Christians representing Capitalism. This love addiction to ‘white adjacency’ for me, was a delusional response to not dealing with our own trauma. This seeking of acceptance and this validation from the other, ‘white adjacency’ had nothing to do with physical sexual needs rather it was all emotional needs. Reflecting on this vulnerability toward ‘ritual abuse’ through the lens of ‘white adjacency’ in any organization was like being addicted to missionaries or people who seemed to ‘know the answers or the solutions’ to our social problems and social norms. Writing this blog and stepping back or cutting the strings I detached myself to with ‘white adjacent’ people by getting to understand myself better. I realized I did this blog all by myself and I lived within this blog for several years all by myself. I shared stories about Nathan Chasing Horse hoping that someday he would get caught, tried, and sentenced for his crimes against indigenous girls and indigenous women. “Whtie adjacency” would try to diagnose and watch rather than engage.

I could have stopped writing this blog back in January, but I didn’t. I could have left everything up to the news media outlets throughout this world to interpret their own storytelling about this Plastic Medicine Man or Credit Card Man, but I didn’t’. I’ve struggled trying to update this blog and will continue writing and hopefully create a podcast dedicated to understanding the long-term effects of intergenerational trauma. This is not some scenario of having a magic wand or a professional ‘white adjacent’ solution looking in on me or my community thinking or saying they have the answer when really, they have their own traumas. Its easy for them to bask in the glory of acceptance and validation that ‘white adjacency’ give them, that warm and fuzzy feeling.  It’s not an easy road to live within a community where the drama of inappropriate or lack of coping skills is constant. Yet, I am blessed. I am truly grateful for all the education skills I’ve acquired, and I’ve achieved. I write hoping other indigenous girls and indigenous women read about my life and understand that those who came before me had no voice and over came so much. They struggled to have a voice. I am here to acknowledge them as without them teaching me throughout my entire life about trauma through their example and their love with sharing their stories. I know I would have not found the courage I needed to move forward. So, many died before they could heal and so many tried to make amends.

This past week we honored those indigenous girls and indigenous women who went missing. I heard a woman speak about the death of her daughter. I heard within her voice, the voices of the indigenous women I helped bury, who never got to heal to this point. Hers’ was an indigenous woman talking about her life and her regrets. Hearing her healing journey where she can let go of her daughter’s tragic murder by not blaming herself. I thought, I wish my friends lived. I wish they were this woman talking about their life.

Marina

Sometimes I wonder is it worth knowing what makes people tick.

 this is just a quick note for the night. as the Thanksgiving long weekend, comes to an end, makes me wonder. The question about how people choose to live their lives and what makes a person truly happy. Yes, growing up in poverty I am at the same time. trying my best to get an education by working full-time and going to school full-time, I just thought it would all be worth it. Now,  don’t get me wrong. It is all worth it. It’s just so sad to see so many people having really poor coping skills. To the point of becoming addicted to prescription drugs, and or raising their children, become codependent on prescription drugs. 

I don’t know if there’s any real balance between those people who live beyond their means or those people who don’t have the means to survive. I was in both scenarios, both have poor coping skills. Yet, the balance falls in between these two scenarios. 

yet, the balance falls in between these two scenarios. I just hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving meal, and that people spent this time with their families. 

When my niece was in high school, she would come back after school talking about what she heard on the bus. The conversations about prescription, drugs, and straight drugs was a bit overwhelming for her. 

today, a young man, and when I say young man, he’s a Grandpa. When I knew him as a child, he was running with gang members in the city of Vancouver. All of his aunties and uncles have since passed away from drug abuse. His own children are also involved in this drug culture. The reason I mentioning him is that I don’t know when he is ever sober. This dynamics that he carries for me is unimaginable trauma. As today he disclose that he’s been sexually assaulted twice.

His own children are also involved in this drug culture. The reason I mentioning him is that I don’t know when he is ever sober. This dynamics that he carries for me is unimaginable trauma. As today he disclose that he’s been sexually assaulted twice. He disclosed this in front of his mother a family friend and myself. He became so agitated. Upon telling the story, just a few minutes ago, my cousin, who was listening to what I was saying to her, asked me if I was scared.

he became so agitated. Upon telling the story, just a few minutes ago, my cousin, who was listening to what I was saying to her, asked me if I was scared. It was just the dynamics of it all. It was the dynamics of it all, debriefing, understanding what just happened today.

I believe sometimes we don’t truly understand the people that we’re in contact with. We seem to numb ourselves when you see a psychotic break or some sort of psychotic behavior. I just cannot comprehend what is happening to all those small children around this man. I know he’s a very dangerous man. It really makes me think whether or not I want to continue visiting his mother. 

it doesn’t seem fair that so many indigenous women that I do know and have contact with on a somewhat daily basis are addicted to some form of prescription drug. My cousin and I we were discussing prescription drug abuse, and she said that even 10 years ago, those who were addicted thwere discussing prescription drug abuse, and she said that even 10 years ago, those who were addicted then. are now suffering from major medical problems. 

even with the cost of living here in Calgary, and the rent increase by $600 per month for me is unimaginable. Maybe it just seems that the whole world is coming into crisis. Or that there’s a real crisis, happening, and people are so numb that they don’t really understand. 

as I’ve been growing up, I would hear the elders say to us, be good to each other. Now that I’m an elder, I rethink the statement. I rethink it, and I realize that it’s not only treating each other with kindness and compassion. It’s also having the ability to say to someone that I love you. it isn’t just enough to treat each other with kindness and compassion. It’s either in the words saying that to someone, to anybody that you love them, without any complications, or any kind of ulterior motive, other than saying, I love you. 

I am listening to an audiobook on the willingness to change for both men and women learning how to love. They want to love and understand how to love.

 When I think about my own relationship with my late father and the way he kept his children hostage during the years of his alcoholic rampage of his anger. So, loving males and caring about men is based on not just what they do, but on their willingness to change. The standards of how girls and boys are treated. My older brother loved our mother so much and when he saw our father violently attack our mother, he would hit our dad, who in turn beat him. For me, seeing both my older brother and my late mother being beaten was heart breaking.

It just was not just my mother, it was also my aunties, and not just my late dad's brother's wives. It was also my mother's sisters who also were beaten. 

So, I can reflect and say that it was how they were conditioned in those Indian Residential Schools. Yet, it is a part of it. So, how do we save our brothers, fathers, uncles and lovers from this future of family violence or help them from themselves is and will be an on going question. The roles of men, patriarchy is to dominate over the weak. When both parents believe men are to rule the world and obey a powerful male, and for indigenous women, it was taught to serve men in those Indian Residential Schools. 

My value and the values of my bother were different in how we expressed love. My late brother-in-law had a difficult time to tell his children that he loved them. My sister and his children told each other daily that they loved each other. This was a new way of raising children for both my sister and my late brother-in-law. I wish he were here so I could thank for raising his children to be adults who can express their love. 

My niece moved to Ontario a few months ago, and this past weekend she went out to a birthday party. I immediately felt fear for her. I texted her asking her to be careful not knowing the history of how she got to this penthouse view. This morning she called me saying she was with a group of co-workers, a group of twelve individuals. She said that she had never seen such richness and how rich people live. She explained her host's dedication towards his job. This fear I have stems from my own insecurities. I was socialized into a system taught to me by my mother and aunties. 

I know that this subject matter of male dominance needs more focus on this blog. This year about how I upkept a way of thinking or not wanting to understand my role in stopping violence against women. The  notion that Nathan Chasing Horse manipulated so many indigenous women was my first inclination of how could any woman allow themselves to be oppressed. Yet, from the writing and the audiobooks I have listened to over these months and my own experiences about how I want or need to feel the love of a man. Its almost insane to talk or write about it. I say it, only because of the many women whom I've talked with regarding how we as women allow the love of any man into our lives as women. You wee, we as women accepted Nathan Chasing Horse's attitude towards us. We supported his male dominance only cause we refused to see what he represented to us.

Within our indigenous communities, and not just my community, but communities all over this world there are such behavioral attitude that is accepted. So, when I see Nathan Chasing Horse, I think he is a product of male dominance or shame of being powerless in pain. He was damaged in his past. He was so much violence like so many indigenous people that we chose not to see his perversions. I've seen him angry. I've seen him isolate himself. I've seen him thrive when his supporter are around him. It's his pain of a tortured lack of a personal bond. 

This pain he used. Yet, this threat toward the vanishing of indigenous culture was saying we as indigenous people must change if we or if our culture is to survive. It's like a religious dogma of childhood trauma that we religiously think that we must create ritual. We who are carrying this childhood trauma created this false narrative before we met such a person as Nathan Chasing Horse. We have seen men such as hm within all our communities. Young men fathering many children without daring to stop and really take a look at what these men are hiding. We have to have the courage to look as such behavior and understand how this underlying attitudes these men have towards women is deadly. 

If anything I have learned from within my own community, within my own family and within my own understanding of how I respond to love. Just as my later brother-in=-law took courage to tell his children "I love you!" on a daily basis was difficult, he did. Just saying 'I love you!' take too much emotional release or so it means to accept help or love from another. I've really had to look at my own misunderstanding of how I feel when someone tells me they love me. I started saying to my nieces and nephew that I love them by actually saying, 'I love you!' I tried to tell Nathan that I loved him. He just was not capable to expressing 'I love you!' as a means of loving another human being without any hidden agenda. I know this feeling as the decades flew by n my life. I've never allowed myself love.

It shut down decades ago and its taken decades to feel love. As much as I write about Nathan Chasing Horse I did try to help him. Yet, as silly as it seems now, I reflect back. I ask myself a question about he boys I knew whom I grew up with who like Nathan fathered many children. I ask could I say to them, 'I love you!' Could I have this same capacity to express this love of loving them for being in my love since childhood. When I reflect on two such men within my own community, I know who I trusted. I understand the humanism. The addiction of how they lived their lives and the children they abandoned. I see, and have insight, cause I've seen their lives and the outcomes of their families.. Not just their siblings, parents, grandparent and t lastly their own children. 

I reflect and remember the conversations I've has with such men. From these two men and their wives or girlfriends, I see or saw them. I know only one of these men I could actually say 'I love you!' This man respected me! He would call me by my traditional name, 'Hapan.' It's this love I know we shared. This love we shared of knowing who we are, were and meant to be was a human connection. He was not prefect nor was I. I know he knew there were things in his own life that he wished he could have done better. I do miss seeing hm. I miss those came before me. I do miss this empty longing. It's this love that I thought Nathan Chasing Horse possessed. Instead he possessed the spirt of the other man who I grew up with  my other childhood friend who fathered many children.

This other man's spirit was perverted like Nathan's behavior. He fathered many children. As I've mentioned I am explaining how two men can be both so different when one has the courage to heal and the other lives in denial. This man isolates himself today. He rarely shows his face in our community. When he was younger he even became a politician. It wasn't until after decades of historical sexual assault were seen as having justice for victim to get justice from such violent acts that women in my community started to find their voices. Its from sharing their stories that they started to have their sexual assaults committed by this one man that he could not hid who he was. The shame he brought upon his family here even had some family member change their last name, because he brought such shame to his family. A wedge was created between this family. 

Even though I grew up with him as my neighbor, there was an underlying belief that we could get killed if we as women told our secrets. This man never attacked me, he did try once; however, I pushed him away, but least I forget he was there when i was sexually assault. He and anther childhood friend were both were there. Both fought against me when I took this historical sexually assault case making it public. One tried running me off the road with his vehicle while his wife sat in the passenger side of his truck. I did take hm to court and his license was taken away for a year. The other refused to attend court as a witness. Maybe, just maybe, his he had nothing to hide he would, or maybe its just wishful thinking back then that he loved me. Loved me as a human being loves another who need his support.

Because of my actions, within the following decade a dozen women came forward as a group to charge him with sexual assault 

Truth and reconciliation, yes! truth and reconciliation day REPLACING FEAR WITH LOVE

 THE BATTLE HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN...

But I do find myself coming back to this quote by George Bernard Shaw. Let me see if I can remember it, he says. This is the true joy in life of being used for a purpose. Considered by yourself as mighty, but being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I'm of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and while I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It's a sort of splendid torch that I've got hold up for the moment,  and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. (Screeen Script 9-26)

“I was taught that keeping quiet kept the peace, until I realized whose peace is it keeping.” (Melrobbins Quotes 9-26)”

 

I just wanted to jump on here quickly to remind folks as we approach the National Day for Truth and Reconciliation and Orange Shirt Day that if you are asking Indigenous peoples to come to your school or your organization or your business, compensate our peoples for their emotional labour while. These days are meant to acknowledge and celebrate ours survival and resilience. Been asked to speak about our history or our traumas or our teachings can be difficult and in some cases re traumatizing. I remember years ago I was at a meeting with a matriarch and elder where she told folks she appreciated the tobacco in the clock, that she was offered to share her teachings, but that she and I quote, couldn't pay the rent or buy food with cloth. Too often Indigenous peoples are asked to perform emotional labour for free. That's not actioning reconciliation, that's just asking Indigenous peoples to work harder for no money. So if you have Indigenous peoples coming to share themselves with you. Welcome to my Ted Talk. (Nahanni Fontaine 9-25) (I was told years ago that I have to charge a fee, as in the counsel I give will not be taken seriously unless I put a price on it. It’s society that has put a price on love’s words.)

 

All Nations rise up! As they say History is written by the victors. How can there be a victor when the war is not over? The battle has only just begun, and Creator is sending  his very best warriors. And this time, it is an Indians versus Cowboys. This time its all the beautify races of humanity, together on the same side, and we are fighting to our fear with love. we are beautiful. Together on the same side, and we are fighting to replace our fear with love. (@missinthe 6ix21) (This is what it means to fight and heal from white supremacy. As in the following is about how Columbus was the most significant thing to happen to humanity. Under the making contact with the indigenous peoples in the Americas was an event of joining two branches of the human species that separated, some say 40,000 to 10,000 years. We as human beings are now one common genetic group. A crossbreeding that continues to this day in every corner of this world mate.)

Most mind-blowing thing ever happened, when Columbus Coming to America was the most significant thing to ever have happened in our species. So during the Ice Age, the ocean levels dropped, exposing the Bering Strait land bridge between Asia and what is now Alaska. Basically North America. That our ancestors who come out of Africa go into Europe. Some stayed, others kept wandering, some stayed low above the Mediterranean, others went high. They populate. Asia, they keep walking because there's an land bridge there. They don't even know to print. It's just more land. So they walk and they enter North America from there. This kind only way you can go with South. At that point, the weather gets a little better, The Ice Age ends, the glaciers melt back into the oceans. The oceans level, ocean levels rise, closing the land. Stranding a  branch of the human species for 10,000 years, those humans who made it across that land bridge and spread out into North America, Central America, South America, have only a few families as their parent. Genetic genetic origins. OK only just like some research says, it's like 8 family lineages populated the entire North and South American continents and then the land bridge breaks. Now you have Europe, Asia, Africa, and North and South America and they know nothing of one another, two separate branches of the human species. Vikings notwithstanding, maybe they found came over. They did not. Even if they did their influence was near 0 relative to the Europeans. So we talk about influence here. This is a branch had discontinued this is how you speciate. This is why the species on Australia is we have mammals there, they have pouches alright? No other mammals do that. They split off and they evolved. 10,000 maybe 40,000 years is not enough to grow three heads or, you know, 12 fingers. But our species is separate. Now. Columbus crosses the Atlantic, makes contact with humans, to the first time that has happened in 10,000 to 40,000 years. We have rejoined 2 branches of the human species we are now, One common Genetic group, and that genetic crossbreeding continues to this day. We fly to any corner of the world and mate. (Digital_mindset 9-27)

 

This document was read, by OfficerAresenault, “But I'm also going to warn you that is quite disturbing and can also be triggering.

Sir, it is observed with alarm that the holding of dances by the Indians owner reserves is on the increase and that these practices tend to disorganize the efforts which department is putting forth to make themselves supporting. I have. Therefore, to direct you to use your utmost endeavors to dissuade the Indians from excessive indulgence in the practice of dancing.

You should suppress any dance which caused waste of time, interfere with the occupations of the Indians, unsettle them for serious work, age of their health, or encourage them, and sloth and idleness. (This type of marry within ones race existed here in Canada. It feels like the world here doesn’t see what the rest of the world sees. Slavery, white supremacy, and Indian residential was built on fear.)

You should also dissuade impossible prevent them from leaving the reserves for the purpose of attending fairs, exhibitions, etc, when their absence would result in their own farming and other interests being neglected. (Starvation was not enough. Controlling a species of humanity to serve another species, only because they believe they are the chosen species.)

 It is realized that reasonable amusements and recreation should be enjoyed by Indians, but they should not be allowed to dissipate their energies in the banning themselves to the moralizing amusement. (These ceremonies and rituals are proven to be the foundations of remapping a traumatized brain. As the indigenous people raised their children as holy beings. These energies were not for our amusement rather they were done for healing.)

By the use of Tac and fairness, you can obtain control and keep it, and this obstacle to continued progress will then disappear. The rooms, halls or other places in which Indians congregate should be under constant inspection. They should be scrubbed, fumigated, cleansed, or disaffected. To prevent the dissemination of disease. The Indians should be instructed in regard to the matter of proper ventilation and the avoidance of overcrowding, rooms were public assemblies are being held and proper arrangements should be made. For the shelter of their horses and ponies, the agent will avail himself of the services of the medical attendant of this agency. In this connection, and to finish it, except for further information is desired, there will be no necessity to acknowledge the receipt of the circular. (Understianding that the fear these directives spread and were taught to our indigenous children in these Indian residential schools, as our indigenous children were not seen as human beings rather as animals, like horses and dogs. The tactics of scrubbing, fumigrateing, cleaning and disinfecting our children once they entered these Indian residential schools. Our sweat lodges that kept us healthy and clean were not seen as healthy practice of disseminating diseases. It was the diseases like small pox that killed millions of indigenous peoples of the America)

This was signed by the Deputy Superintendent General. Of the Department of Indian Affairs, Government of Canada and it was signed on. December 15th, 1921. So, why am I reading this? This is the past, for we also know. First Nations, Metis, children, families are still living the consequences of these type of directives, and I hope that as we approach the September 30th which is National Day truth and reconciliation, that we as a country take some time to. Reflected in our own way. Thank you. (OfficerAreesenault (9-27) (We must reflect on how to understand what it means to speak our truths and how do reconcile our own fear of what it means to be a human being in a time when we are slowly forgetting what it means to be human. We must understand love.)

 Domination of world history was a 200 year. Aberration is coming to an end and as a result of it you got to learn to understand non Western perspectives in the world. And it's actually quite frightening. But in many ways I find American intellectuals behind intellectuals. Including in Serbia, where I just was all grease on Istanbul, 'cause they are much more aware what's happening in the world than most American intellectual cell. I don't know how to solve that problem.  (global impulse Kishore Mahbubani “The western domination oof history is coming to an end.”9-28) (Its important to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around North America rather its we who need to become more aware of what is happening in this world.)

I started blogging earlier; however, these notes I still had, so this is to document that we, as women, were trying to expose him.

 

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

From: Nicole Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: January 10, 2010 at 2:39:10 PM MST

To: Marina <marina_tsuutina@hotmail.com>

Subject: Re: MySpace - www.myspace.com/446620399

[marina_tsuutina_hotmail.com]

I'm suppose to be in Montana for a few days during the summer to visit my former professor. To breifly answer your question below...Like every person does, Nathan did have good points. But by far the negative outweighed the good. His good points were mostly superficial things that I enjoyed. He sang songs to me and was warm, comforting, and generous financially.  But no comparison to my sweetheart I have now.

--- On Wed, 1/6/10, Marina wrote:

From: Marina

Subject: MySpace - www.myspace.com/446620399

To: Nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com

Date: Wednesday, January 6, 2010, 4:33 PM

Hello Nicole,

Happy New Year! Just an fyi, he's not around here. I haven't' heard anything. He's still travelling with a seventeen year old from here. Or, she could be living with his parents. I don't know. I stopped talking to her mom. Her mom wanted her daughter to get into the movies. I've had over 250 views (to date 30,000 views ) from my blogs. I also see a new YouTube file about him. Pictures that were taken while he was here doing "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee." MySpace site is called "Bury My Heart." I used this prior to knowing things about Nathan. He seems to be in the eastern part of the USA: The girl he's travelling with lost her cousin this past month. I don't know if he brought her home for the funeral. I think he would avoid coming here. The tribal police would be looking for him. I am still curious. When my mother and me went to Poplar for the first year of Sundance there. He sent a follower of his to me with a gift. He would show up or say he would see me in what I was doing. My brother also mentioned Nathan presents at his home. I really wonder if you felt Nathan's esp present. I know he just doesn't like me contacting you. It helps me understand what happened tomy family by doing theses blogs. From what I get is that my mom was so emotionally damaged from her childhood in boarding school she never healed. She created a whole bunch of us with emotional problems. From the therapy and the education I got for myself I can see how my mother's behavior affected us. She needed to go into Nathan's Ceremonies. I know it's hypocritical for me to validate Nathan's work. I just wanted to let you know that the way my mom talks and behaves has a direct effect on me. She just turned 81 this past week. I know it took a more than what she understood from all the experiences she had in helping opportunities that she never took advantage to heal. She is doing what she can now. I am grateful that she can talk about love now. As much as I know Nathan travel in controversy I would like to know if there were good things in your relationship with him. I mean prior to you both having Noah.

Marina

http://www.myspace.com/nathanchasinghorse

Tweeter @groovemobile

http://twitter.com/groovemobile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU4p_StNFpc

This is a copy of my blog I posted today. Well, Happy New Year to you all! Yes, I know that you out there are reading my blogs because I can see the amount of views. I get it. You are curious like I was. Yes, its three years now. I may look resentful. I may even seem regretful too. I may appear to be many things. I realize that you are probably just curious. I was just like you. Well, maybe not just like you. I am not your age. I realize the majority of you who are searching the internet are young. Young like him. You feel like there is a possibility  that he is the one. This is why you are looking here. Do pay attention to your feelings because they are telling you something

about yourself. Some abused females are mostly affected. We want something. Some of us never get to the point of healing. It feels like we are being loved like no other love. It affects women who are now grannies. Abused women are too afraid to heal. This is all good because for some of us we would not even start healing if we didn't allow ourselves these feelings. Don't be ashamed of these feelings. They make you a woman. My concern with this Medicine Man is that he has ten children! In a YouTube  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU4p_StNFpc He talks about protecting children. Yet, the law over a period of six years he's been hunted. Yes, for back child support. So, how honorable is he? Protecting his children supplying their moms with funds to purchase goods is not important to him. Why were there so many warrants for his arrest in South Dakota if he kept up protecting them by child support payments? Some people say "Oh, it's a shame!" other, want money for their kid or other women just doesn't want me to get involved. Then you may ask "why is she blogging about this man?" There are still something's that are being investigated. I have found out that once a child thinks any man loves them. They will continue. Yes, continue in the abuse with the man. The child believes. The man is like a drug. This is why it's so difficult to get the girls straight. In Indian country, our men are sick. Believe me, I am thankful. I didn't understand. I thought it was easy. Easy for the child to escape once they disclose the sexual encounter. It is also so easy for men to disbelieve the child. What is it inside our culture that we don't want to believe just how bad our men are? I know there are also evil women. Women need to heal. I don't blame you for loving this man or your feeling of infatuation towards him. I say be happy you can feel. Now, let him go. I said this to my nieces and he still is in contact with them. Yes, they dance at his Sundance too. I wish they would heal and stop being promiscuous: You have to ask yourself, Are they better off? One still does drugs. If he is more powerful than Sylvia Browne then why doesn't he do something? Clear his name with these girls here or maybe he's waiting for the girls to behave

badly. In a recent research I see that somebody is doing PR for him. Damage control or something to keep people from investigating him is important. Since Sylvia Browne makes $3,000.00 per phone call. Just be cautious girls and don't be too sure he's the real thing. His track record shows that there were nine women prior to you who thought he had nothing to hide. I really don't care about those of you who are just horny. I am concerned for those of you who need money from him to have you raise his child. It's interesting. Black athletes do it too. South African kings do it too. Sitting Bull did it too. Ask yourselves "what are these girls doing now?" In some cases the women kill themselves and in most cases the children want to meet their dad. I am really disgusted with myself for believing him. He told my brother everything. Is my brother a better man? Hell NO! My brother is a despicable human being. I was told my one of his followers that the people he befriends or the communities he befriends are better. Yes, my mom is better. I am better. And maybe, there is a small part of his visit here that will always remain. I just know that he thinks I am horrible for writing my opinions in this blog.

It like not of my business. This is a way of life? Aren't women and children supposed to be happy? How many of you women out there are truly happy? I was told by a very wise elder woman to never get married or never have children. She didn't know what freedom was until her husband passed. So, ladies, think  bout your happiness. Yes, have a healthy fantasy about him. But, remember, it's only a fantasy. He's not real! He comes with much baggage. Three years ago, he had nine ex-wives with ten children chasing his horses for money. Today, he's become very bold. He travels with many wives. I don't know if they all know about his other wives and other children. From my research, he's not honest. He's been asked. He says nothing until the baby is born. It's just difficult for me. I still want to believe our spiritual lives are beautiful. I leave this in your hands to think about. Remember, there is a reason why you are reading this blog. Take care and pray about these things. I did and look what happened. I believe that all things were possible when it came to ritual abuse. It's been around since the beginning of time and will continue well after I die.  Be opened minded and please if you have children do not trust anyone with them. I made a choice not to have children. As a woman, we have only two choices. We either have children or we don't.

 

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

From: Nicole Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: December 11, 2010 at 2:58:05 PM MST

To: Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Nathan

YEs, 16 year olds are hard to ration with. YOu would think the mom would know a little better.  Keep your head up Marina.

 --- On Fri, 12/10/10, Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com> wrote:

From: Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Nathan

To: "nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com" <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: Friday, December 10, 2010, 3:54 PM

Hello Nichole

Just a short note because after four years my niece started yelling at me for talking to her daughter about Nathan. Her 16 year old daughter was defending his morals. I told her this man(Nathan) has a choice to work. She said he's poor. It escalated! Being 16 she was trying to justify Nathan's reasons for not being accountable for all his children. Then her mother jump in saying I was mean talking mean to her daughter later once her mother left we finished the conversation. I told her to get her education because nothing is certain in this life. Becoming a woman means for many raising children on their own with no support for the Dad. I told my niece when we argued that my brother paid $1000.00 a month for his two children because he needed to do it. I person can find work & make money to help support his children. I just can not believe how much they defend Nathan these four years. They don't visit my mom & say it's because I am mean, resent & bitter. They choose to isolate themselves from the rest of us & adopt all of Nathan's supporters as their family. I stood my ground in the midst of a crowd of twenty people watching her yell at me looking like she was defending her daughter when she was really defending Nathan. The Drama is still here. Take care!    Sent from Hapan

From: Nicole Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: January 4, 2011 at 5:27:45 PM MST

To: Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Cc: Me Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: Nathan

Thanks for the update.  Sounds unhealthy and weird to me.  Nathan hasnt paid anything in over 3 years.  Noah is turning 4 on Monday.  I feel like he is using Canada to escape obliations.  He is on borrowed time right now.  Any proof of wives, address, or any paid work please forward to me so I can build a case against him. Thanks for staying in touch. 

 Nicole

 --- On Tue, 1/4/11, Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com> wrote:

From: Marina <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Nathan

To: "Nicole Hendrickson" <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: Tuesday, January 4, 2011, 3:15 PM

Nicole, apparently Nathan was here before Christmas. I wasn't here in Tsuutina but my sister in law said people here tried to keep his visit a secret. Some of Kayla's friend (Kayla is the sixteen year old he took) she's18 now & apparently his given her a ring. She lives with five other young women in south Dakota. His Harlem is growing. Kayla told her friends she has no intention of coming home. Her friends came home telling others what they saw. People who support him can not see that this is a form of ritual abuse. I truly believe he's an addiction & has addictions. All I can do is pray for him. Some of our council support him whereas there are more who want nothing to do with him. The police want to talk to him too. Individuals here privately pay him.

I hope you and your family are doing fine. Thank you for your moral support I sometimes wondered about what people value and believe. People like Nathan were around since the beginning of time and will continue to do live on earth after I am 6 feet under ground. He's seems to becoming even stranger than before.

Thank you, Marina  Sent from by ............. ;-)

On 2010-12-11, at 2:58 PM, Nicole Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com> wrote:

YEs, 16 year olds are hard to ration with. YOu would think the mom would know a little better.  Keep your head up Marina.

Thu 28/09/2023 4:52 PM

sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

From: Nicole Hendrickson <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: June 29, 2012 at 11:11:57 PM MDT

To: Wanona <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Re:

marina, you changed your email.  yes, you can forward Jody on my contact info, or she can find me on facebook.  I asked Nathan the names of his kids and the mothers of his kids. I do remember him mentioning a Jody. He told me in 2005, he had only 3 kids, of course that was a huge lie as I came to find out.

Thanks for forwarding me this, because I think this email will remind me to keep Nathan at a distance from Noah.  I feel sad for Jody little ones. When Nathan and I spoke a few weeks ago, he mentioned he wants to meet up with me and Noah in pipestone, mn  after bear butte. IF thats the case, he will be introduced to Noah as just a friend.

 that's ironic jody mentions how ' nathan broke those girls into what he wanted her to be like also.' He tried that on me too. I was 25, too old to teach new tricks. To answer your question, I'm not sure i'd email her, I do not know what to say. But she can email me anytime. Whats the address of your blog?? 

--- On Fri, 6/29/12, Wanona <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com> wrote:

From: Wanona <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Fwd: Nathan Chasing Horse

To: "Nicole Hendrickson" <nhendrickson_1999@yahoo.com>

Date: Friday, June 29, 2012, 4:10 PM

Hello Nicole 

I Am sending you an email from Jody Potts. The email talks about what I believe to be the only woman who had two children from Nathan. I believe this is the woman whose children he was showing photos of back then in 2006. (I was wrong! There was another woman who travelled off and on with Nathan and their two children. Yet, there are quite a few of his children who were in foster care back then. 2023, Nathan may have more children. Throughout these years, his children’s names were never posted. The victims of his assaults also were never posted. The amount of families and children he damaged is too many. I’ve only documented those who were brave enough to reach out to me. I am grateful for their courage and the love they expressed for the privacy of their children.)

I wanted to know if you would be interested in emailing her? I'll ask her. I believe your combined efforts to get child support could only help both of you. I can ask her. Please let me know if I could do this & if not let me know as well. 

My blogs over these few month are getting a lot of attention. Most people were like me wanting to know the truth. There is power in truth! 

Until next time, happy July 4th!

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

 

From: jo potts <ndn-mountainmomma@hotmail.com>

Date: June 28, 2012 5:36:32 PM MDT

To: <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Subject: Nathan Chasing Horse

 

Hi,

I just found your blog about Nathan. 

I have two children with Nathan.  At the time we were together, I didn't know he had other children.  I believed everything he told me because I was young and thought all people were as honest as I was raised to be. 

Nathan doesn't take care of these children of his.  I haven't been able to get him tracked down for child support.  My daughter is 10 and thinks her dad is the greatest thing on earth but cries for him often.  My son is 11 and is becoming angry now because Nathan never calls or sends anything, so he thinks Nathan is nothing.  Its been hard watching my children suffer. 

I am from Alaska and met Nathan at a youth conference. 

A few years ago, we met up with Nathan, his wives and entourage in South Dakota.  He had 3 wives then and I saw that he had broken them into what he wanted me to be like. 

When Nathan does occasionally call, for instance when its out kid's birthday and I tezt him to ask him to call them... he makes the kids all these empty promises that he will see them real soon, fly them down to see him but it NEVER happens.  But since reading your blog, I see that he has gone so far into his sexual fantasy/disfunction that I feel like my children wouldn't be safe with their own father. 

I would like to talk more to you about him and getting Nathan's abuse made public. 

Thanks,

Jody Potts

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

From: Hapan Kinyewakan <wanona.kinyewakan@gmail.com>

Date: January 6, 2015 at 1:18:23 AM MST

To: Jody Potts <jody@indigenousleadership.org>

Subject: Nathan Chasing Horse

 We've emailed before & it's good to hear from you. Within these few weeks much has happened as legal matters are taking place, I can only say that those who once protected him are no longer within his cult. 

Within my community women are supporting a young woman who left him. She's talking & it appears she's not alone. 

It's one thing Nathan lying about me & as to why I write my blog; however, I was never in his inner circle like these women. 

I did feel like I was used to lure people to him; however, not like his wives are trained to lure young women. I hoped he was someone who wouldn't put Himself or another human being above Creator. The people who came to his ceremonies because of my efforts are slowly leaving his cult. Yes, there is or was quite many people from my community supporting him. I helped get money for him for about five ceremonies. Once he was introduced by me other community members started fund raising using our band funds. 

Because of the large amount of money from our band funds used many know about him & are supporting any of our women who stop following him. 

When women from across the country contact me, they don't realize the impact he's had within my community. We belong to each other here as very few leave our community. 

It surprised me just how much energy was put into discrediting me. I don't know these women, nor do I wish to know them. Apparently, they had to ask me if what he said was true or that they had an obligation to apologize for also discrediting me because they believed his lies.  As for me, I didn't think he was focusing on mine blog when his primary focus should be on all the police reports given by so many girls from both countries. 

It's a proven fact that it does take years for these cases to court. I believe these women are leaving now as they don't want to be associated with him. They could be called in as witnesses or even be charged for aiding or abetting his criminal activity. 

Within this past two weeks you're the fourth person to contact me about him. All female, during the years only one man emailed me; however, it's the Lakota men on other sites that very angry. 

I have Nicole on my Facebook. She's helped me. As I've said he's hurt my family & it's been a healing journey. I'm grateful for her just being there. It took courage for her to post legal documents. 

I've tried not to mention names or use real names in my blog. The events that did happen happened; however, names were changed  

Thank you for writing

 

On Monday, January 5, 2015, Jody Potts <jody@indigenousleadership.org> wrote:

Interesting blog, all of which doesn't surprise me one bit.  Please keep my name private.  Nathan fooled me in my early twenties with his wise words, charm and charisma.  I had two children for him.  We live in Alaska now, where I am from.  I know how Nathan is.  He is a very sick man.  His children are very hurt by their father not having anything to do with them.  Its a very long story.  I have a lot of insight into who Nathan is.  My kids have met some of their siblings and there are maybe at least 12 kids out there, including my own.  Nathan should be brought out into the mainstream media.  Feel free to write me back.  Please don't post anything on this blog about me or my children yet.  I think we need to all work together to get this sick story out there.

Thanks,

Jody

 

It's multilayered answer as to how I knew Nathan Chasing Horse was Plastic like a Credit Card..

I am updating this post daily until I feel I can video tape it via Youtube. It is a work in progress. I have some set backs but I am hoping by this coming Sunday have my podcast up and running. Its briefly recapping what I've already posted with video rather then what seem like endless reading.

Before you start reading, please understand I am using quotes to convey my indigenous female voice here. I’ve learned so much from indigenous content holders here, as well as people with psychology backgrounds. Also, keeping in mind that the indigenous women involved are living day to day with some in survival mode trying to keep their families afloat. Some of the most vulnerable girls came from single family homes. I could not even imagine the daily lives of single householder who are their family’s only income. Remembering that matriarchy is sharing each others stories and being there for each other.

“Start a benefit already for matriarchy, three steps that if enough women do these three steps, we will have matriarchy within our lifetime. Other content remember matriarchy is not the inverse of patriarchy. Matriarchy is egalitarian. Matriarchy is leadership before the benefit of the collective, not just for the benefit of the leaders. Everyone of you can participate in bringing it about: (hope_peddler 8-31) (It didn’t occur to me that I was practicing the matriarchy of my grandmothers by telling my story all these years, nor did I understand the scope of my cultural practices fitting into the choice I made to help the women and girls within my community, despite the limited resource concerning women’s health and women’s sexual education I worked with a man working with women’s wellness who said to me. ‘Doing workshops, seminars and networking within communities, sometimes the participants do not realize they have participated in a mental health exercise until afterwards. Another person told me that if anyone wishes to know what is happening within a give community ask the person who watches what people are doing or practicing.)

Step one: You need to share your stories with other women, and you need to consume the stories of other women. (This was me starting up this blog decades ago trying to warn indigenous girls and indigenous women about this so-called Plastic Medicine Man, hoping people would consume these stories for their safety and the safety of others.) This is where we take the experiences that we had individualized. We had made them our fault. Because I not a good picker of partners, or I let men treat me badly in the workplace; whatever, the stories that we take individual responsibility for, instead, we swap them, because we see that they are systemic in nature. (in my own opinion, I believe Nathan Chasing Horse knew or had meet many indigenous girls and indigenous women who already conditioned themselves with self-defeating behavior. We repressed our own voices by not taking the responsibility of engaging in meaningful conversations usually because there was or no safe environment to hold such a space for our voices to be heard.)We swap out our self blame for, our own oppression. We understand that this is a collective experience that we as women are having.  This frees up our physical energy and our psychological energy because we are no longer engaging with the story, that there is something wrong with us. We take control of telling the story of who we are. (Decades ago, when Nathan first came into my community we as indigenous women had a collective experience while attending Nathan’s Ceremonies. Most were not free of their own physical energy as most of this energy was taken up on worrying about their teenage daughters. Everyone of us was engaging in this story hoping to support each other with someone whom we thought we could trust. We did the total opposite of telling our stories, especially when I needed their support to confront Nathan. One of the women told me that she could forgive Nathan if he were a pedophile cause that’s the right thing to do. Shortly afterwards, she gave her daughter up to Nathan as his child wife. It was important for me to update this blog with my narrative. I was asked questions. I tried to answer them. I knew that my story was unique in the sense that most women experienced oppression of some sort with our lifetime. My perspective is indigenous to the land. As my experience is saying what it is like to live within a First Nations Community with all its faults by not taking them on as my own. I had to stop engaging with investigators who from my vulnerabilities easily could have empowered them to be my savior, as a delusion of safety. As this is a historical phenomenon that is systemic to indigenous women. Especially when our voices are suppressed by others, not just men but women mostly. I say phenomenon as growing up seeing those women who came before me work together healing communities.)

Step two:  said to you heard me say it before, I'm going to have to say it again. We decentre men, if you are orienting your existence around a man, particularly a man who's not orienting his existence back around you. (Do not chase a man. If a man is interested in, you he will let you know he’s interested. Nathan, play the attentive lover to many women; however, each one of these women who left him after having a child with him reported experiencing PTSD because of their relationship with him. Once they stopped orienting themselves around him, he left for younger victims that he openly started paraded around seventeen years ago.)  You are going to lose your light. You are going to lose your authenticity. You are going to lose some self trust along the way, and we need you in your power, and in your light, and we need you to have enough time to contribute to this movement, and if your entire life is around making somebody else’s life comfortable. You're not going to have that energy and time to give to the cause. (It was about 2007, when Nathan brought a woman with her child, whom I believe was about eight or ten years old into our community. It was in the fall of that year, and by this time, I had already spoke my last plea to Nathan to speak his truth to the tribal police, if it was true. This child’s mother slept one night in my home, and claimed months earlier that her child was gifted like Nathan. She said her husband would be upset if he knew she was in Canada that summer. After Nathan’s followers stopped talking to me, and after started manipulating other community members to follow him, he appeared at our community school with his followers and this woman and her child. I felt helpless to warn anyone as this woman was convinced her daughter was destined for greatness. Little would I have known the abuse this child would experience at the hands of this monster. I can only imagine the reasoning behind grooming a child so young and wondered why was it so terribly important for this woman to want such a false sense of being indigenousness.) So much of patriarchal control takes place within the form of the nuclear family. It keeps women tired. It keeps women sick. It keeps women underperforming in their careers. The stats are there, married women suffer in all those areas. (I chose not to get into any relationships because of all the abuse I saw in indigenous women with blackened eyes and bruised souls. Fifty years ago, I saw a group of single non-indigenous women, all professional women, own their own home. This was so uncommon. Women could not owe their own home, nor could they own a credit card under their own name. From where I’ve come from and to wherever my life takes me, I am totally grateful to all the invisible helping hands of other women who helped guide me, as I repeat myself. ‘Know those who came before you!’)  They suffer because they are centering their partners. I am not saying you must divorce your guy, but I am saying it is time to centre yourself or divorce him. It’s super on trend right now. (Or, for those women who have daughters, educate them in the facts of life. As women, we have two choices; have children or don’t have children. The science is out there, and I am living proof. Teaching daughters about female sexual responses is so very important for our mental well-being. We are not built like men. We have our own biology that is so unique. Sharing our stories helps.)

number three: We rip power from government. A government largely run by men. By meeting each others needs, and not relying on government. (It’s that dependence. I continue to see. My entire life, I’ve stayed away from relying on government. Seeing young indigenous people working their entire lives within a government construct, never leaving our communities to venture out, creating their own companies that is not reliant on government subsidies, or government bail outs with an economic construct that is not beneficial to individual well-being. A systemic system called Treaties, Indian Act, put in place decades before I was born that engaged in an active form of genocide towards indigenous women.) It's mutual aid! mutual aid, usually doesn't have to be formally organized, but it can be. It's an opportunity to build networks amongst your friends, amongst your neighbors, and help meet each other 's needs. Walk each others’ dogs, drive each other to the airport, watch each others’ kids, cook each other meals, when you have the extra bandwidth. Hold each other up, and your times of need. Fundraise for medical debt, list of possibilities as infinite as your creativity. (There were two things happening back seventeen years ago; one was fund raising to support mothers and daughters to attend a Sundance run by Nathan Chasing Horse in the summer in Wolf Point, Montana, the other was, fund raising via the use of band funds or tribal funds, to pay for Nathan’s ceremonies he was having hosted by various community members. Designated for cultural ceremonies for healing providing it was used for community events and, many homes were used for such ceremonies. As this was seen as benefiting the community and not just individuals, with Nathan being the only individual as benefitting, as the same time Nathan was using is non-profit California organization as proof of his legitimacy. What started out as women volunteering to help fund raise to dance at a Sundance turned into fractions of individuals starting their own private ceremonies with band funds or individuals’ giving’s up their funds to Nathan. Most of these individuals became devote followers with some sending money to Nathan for decades. No doubt only those closest to his self-proclaimed cult called the Circle, who in most cases called Nathan, ‘Dad.’)  When we have taken back the story of who we are, and in doing so, dealt a devastating blow to traditional media, which is largely run by men. When we start meeting our own needs and need the government less and less. Which is not to say don't vote, vote, but it is to say that we don't rely on them, and we rely on one another. We do weaken their power. So, we don't have to barge in tomorrow, and take over all of media, and take over all of government from men. No! we give it to ourselves, by weakening the power of those institutions, and diffusing the power among the masses, instead of the few men that hold it. So many of us are already doing this, that it is just a matter of when, not if. (@hope_peddler 8-31) (There is a positive side to all the funding raising, as those girls who were somehow protected from Nathan’s charms and manipulation did become closer. These young women saw their friends go off with Nathan and saw his destructive forces. I believe that if Nathan were actually practice the way of the Seven Council Fires of the Great Sioux Nation, he would have opted out of receiving band funds. He would have encouraged fund raising from within the circle of women. He would have encouraged them to rely on o each other, as women, sharing their stories and helping each other out. Instead, he planted seed of self-defeating behavior in all his female followers. You see, I was raised by strong Dakota women from those who came before me, and I saw how my grandfather depended on the women for his support in building his farm. The farms of the Dakota people in Sioux Valley fed the community and created a backbone that most within my own community may never witness. What is this ‘hope_peddler is saying is true. I saw this type of Matriarchy as I was growing up. The seven Sioux Tribes in Canada are exiled from the United States and were never under the obligation of the Treaties. As my late mother described her first encounter with the community I grew up in, was that we were ‘Fort Indians,’ she was this new community she married into as ‘putting their hands out for money.’ When she saw me playing with my money she would say, ‘I did not raise my children to like this.’ This is why for me, its very important. Diffusing the power of patriarchy is not just for Indigenous women rather for all women from all over this world. I am eternally grateful for the teaching I saw in the ACTIONS of those indigenous women who came before me. Those teaching of ‘White Buffalo Calf Woman” holds its truth. All we as indigenous women need to do is looking at the SHAME! SHAME of Nathan Chasing Horse’s false narrative of what it means to be a follower of White Buffalo Calf Woman’s teaching. The prophecy does say that we will see a great change, a warning, when we are slowly forgetting what it is to be a human being and a good relative to all. It’s one of the reasons too why I wanted to use this blog site to let you the reader know that once you put a thought out into the Universe, Creator’s will is being done. It’s a great Mystery created for us all.)

So, please if you find these helpful then I am doing my job in educating you. This following quote is from (7thFire Messenger 9-6) within my insights highlighted in red.

“So I’ve been on this app about three years now, you guys know me pretty good if you've been following me for a while and those of you who know me pretty good. You already understand that, but for those of you who are new here, are those of you who follow me because I triggered you somehow. You just want to follow me around to see what I'm going to say. I am just being a human, the kind of human I am happens to be Native American. My own personal story happens to intertwine with many stories of many people who live on turtle island and intersect at interesting points that happened to be revolving around the colonization of my land. (When I first started this blog, some seventeen years ago, I didn’t realize by putting my content into cyber space someone was listening. The fear of enable anyone, as this quote talks about being a human being, I worried. I still worry that people will take what I say in my own voice as meaningless. Yet, from my understanding, being a matriarch means sharing and helping. This is what I started. I wanted to help those indigenous girls and indigenous women find their voices. Yet, today, I still find the oppressors. Some may think all our oppressor are non-indigenous, but most come from within our own communities. It is why there is still feared to tell or stories. I don’t think there is single answer to this problem of violence towards indigenous women. I do believe everything in this world is guided by Creator’s Will.)  So, in my own journey of reclaiming my story in my sharing it with you, all. What I'm doing is treating you like a human being. Think about that for a second, you see somebody like me hasn't been allowed to be a human being on this land, very long. Some will argue that we are still being dehumanized to this very day. (This statement is so true. The amount of our indigenous people who go missing is documented now.)

“(John Trudell quotes) I am just a human being trying to make it in a world that is rapidly losing its understanding of being human. “

“(John Trudell quotes) So, when Columbus got off the boat and he said to the first people he sa.”w “Who are you? The first people he saw said, “We’re human beings.”’

“(John Trudell quotes) All human beings are descendants of tribal people wo were spiritually alive, intimately in love with the natural world, children of Mother Earth.”

So, when I'm telling you my truth, my theories, my history, I'm assuming that you're a human being now. and you are not your ancestors. When I say colonizer, I'm talking about the specific mindset that led to the activities, and cultural norms of things like slavery and genocide and land theft and exerting your will over the life force of another. I'm assuming you're not like that anymore. So, I'm trying to help you reclaim your humanity, by demonstrating, and exemplifying what is to treat another like a human being. (When I accepted to be interviewed by news investigator over Nathan Chasing Horse, I assumed I am talking to other human beings. It’s not an easy thing to do when most of my life was centered around finding support, approval and validation. I am not perfect. I am still leaning and will continue to learn until I leaving this existence.) When I trigger certain individuals and they come back into my comments, and they get angry at me, and start reinforcing this colonial narrative with the colonial propaganda that led to the genocide of my people. What they're really telling me is that they're not ready yet to be treated like a human. They still want me and need me to treat them like the oppressor. Thinking like they have the power and the ability hurt me. They don't like hearing what I have to say, because it doesn't match up with the things that they learned, and the things they said. They're not used to somebody who looks like me treating them like a human being. They're used of being treated like the oppressor. (I’ve found so many young indigenous youths having such perfect insight into how to hold space for their stories. I am grateful to live so long s to witness this advancement. As this young man stated, it is not common to see, hear and understand an indigenous voice. A voice of a human being talking to another human being. As I’ve much to learn about holding space for those my age who have not experience this presence of self love and lover for others. Over these decades, I’ve tried to hold space for any young women or older women who needed someone to listen to or someone to support them. Most who did reach out to me suffered a traumatic experience living along side this Nathan Chasing Horse.)   So, I just want you to know that's my only intention behind this, when I say all these different things you know. When any BIPOC person talks about racism, or modern issues in our society. We always get these people telling us, oh not all of us are like that, oh not all are like that. Well, that leaves the labour then onto us to find those ones then. It’s now like you wear signs on your head. We can't tell the difference So, that's part of the method to my madness also, I don't want those ones following me. They think they're better than me. If you think you're better than somebody else, you can't learn from them. You can’t love them. This is how I am learning how to practice my humanity, is about talking about my story sharing who I am. Sharing my culture, sharing different things, that I've found along my path. Because I love you! I love everybody! I want this world to get better. I hope that clears something up. I refuse to treat anybody like the oppressor. If you come into my channel, and you start reinforcing the colonial narrative demanding that I treat you like my oppressor, I'm going to block you! That is how goes. You have the freedom to say what you want; I have the freedom to kick you off my virtual TikTok land. My little, tiny corner, that doesn't even physically exist, in this realm of 150 million other channels. If you need feel the need to be an oppressor, go somewhere else, thank you! Now we can learn! (7thFire Messenger 9-6)” (Over these decades, I’ve had Nathan’s followers disclose his instruction from him to hurt me. This Nathan only knew how to laugh at the most vulnerable. He was an oppressor of indigenous children and indigenous women. Listening to this young man, 7thFire Messenger, is who I had hoped Nathan Chasing Horse was. I took the responsibility of confronting Nathan. Encouraging him to go to the police and to talk to the many women and girls who were in love with him. He needed to speak to them in a group. He needed to tell them he had a girlfriend and he had children. I encouraged him to straighten out any allegations my step-niece had claimed against him. I told him I reported him to our tribal police. If he was innocent, he wound freely go and speak directly to my step-niece; however, he didn’t, and the tribal police ignored their own request to question him. I felt he needed to hear from me, as I promoted him, encouraged the producer and director of ‘Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee’ that they needed to use him more. They did. I encouraged women and girls to attend his ceremonies because he spoke appeared to speak his language and appeared to know his cultural practices. I took the responsibility of being at my most vulnerable. I love him! As I love my readers, as I love my community and as I love hearing people’s truths. Nathan’s disrespect and his making fun of any of the women and girls who were in love with him was not the first time, nor would it be the last time, I would see this monster’s truth. He knew how oppress women and girls. I am grateful he is caught. I am grateful to tell my story. Sharing my story with many people over these years I hope clears up some things about who I am. And for those who still think they can oppress me or other, like 7^th Messenger, I will block you)

addiction is when a person strongly identifying with seeking approval and validation specifically from a partner. As Mayim Bialik said, “When we talk about love, you know kind of love addiction, and I’m a person who strongly identifies with sort of like being you know addicted to approval and validation specifically from a partner, like it's like a thing, and you know. I think when some people hear that they just be like, then just stop doing that, like just stop dating those people, like just be yourself, like have more confidence, and you know. I think and people also you know kind of turn their nose up when you talk about, you know there's a whole 12 step program it's called sex, love, addicts anonymous and most people think it's just people who want to fornicate all the time. But it's much more complicated than that. You'll basically find a different body you know, but kind of with the same soul, you know like is often what we do, we just like, we kind of like, we think we're, we think we're moving up and like oh! He's different or she's different, but it's like, it's kind of when we're the one that has that sort of sickness. I will I'll turn anyone into my hostage. @Mayim Bialik”

Sometimes, I feel like maybe it's not all worth it. Over the past weekend, and I’d say since Nathan Chasing Horse was arrested in January.  I've had numerous times where I've talked with other indigenous women. These are women who I trust and who in times of need on either side, we debrief. Sometimes when people are too busy working, or dealing with immediate family conflict, it is conflict in the workplace or just conflict within families it's difficult to step back and debrief. It's these times where we need to review our own mental health checklist.

These two indigenous women over these past seventeen years were here for me. They were here when I conflicted with Nathan Chasing Horse. One, had a teenager daughter who attended Nathan’s sweats and ceremonies, and the other is fluent in the Dakota language. Successful in their own professions, each remembers so many years ago, the conversations I had with them about Nathan Chasing Horse. As it was difficult to speak truthfully with so many girls and women who were infatuated with Nathan. Since January, I have had an opportunity to answer questions from non-indigenous men about how I did, a single elderly indigenous women knew a plastic medicine man, Nathan. I continually used this phrase ‘plastic medicine man’ as Nathan was after money. He was also passing himself off as being a healthy young Lakota man, not medicine man, rather a young horny, rambunctious, arrogant disrespect ugly individual.

It took me all these months to disclose what I am about to write about regarding my feeling I had towards Nathan Chasing Horse. As these feelings were shared with the many girls and women here, but all turned against me. As the first woman’s daughter had such fawn feelings towards Nathan, and her mom shared her concern for her teenage daughter who was a teen mom. The second woman’s mother like my late mother knew how to read, write, and speak Dakota. Any concerns have had about pronunciations or meaning behind a Dakota word was guided by her. She is my most ardent critic as she’s questioned me as to why I not confronted Nathan earlier. It is these two women over these past months who are and continue to be my guides. The following is the psychological profile of myself in my healing journey.

It is important to understand the psychology behind intergenerational trauma. I did not fully understand the impact of sexual violence or witnessing sexual violence had on my own sexual idiosyncrasy. These things I am sharing I have shared with these two individuals, so its nothing new to me or them; however, if you have ever been a victim of sexual violence or have witnessed such violence, then I request you stop reading. As much of this content may not seem relevant. As the stages of healing, I am going to disclose did not happen over night, nor did it seem relevant at the time. There were many events; however, I am going to focus on the past four decades. So, I’ll divide these four stories into an introduction, body, and conclusion. It is this conclusion that will give you the reader an understanding of how I knew who Nathan Chasing Horse was and why it was so very important to give space to his victims by letting them know. ‘There is no statute of limitations’ once an individual makes a report to any police service.  

I found myself in a university town, in the state of Utah. The culture there was so persuasive, that many young women there were so persuaded to marry young. My roommates, bless their hearts, were always inquiring into who I liked who I was going to date. My ambition wasn't to get married. I was 15 years older than my roommates. When we got when we would go out night clubbing, it seemed like there was always hope of finding a future husband on the dance floor. This is where limerence or infatuation played a key part into my storytelling. I could keep these roommates, these curious seekers satisfied, by letting them know I was infatuated with a young man. I was a poor starving university student working full time and paying for my own education. I was too busy to date. I also didn't trust these young men.

My first full time job there was working for the Utah State hospital. I worked on a dorm for teenage girls. I was called a psychiatric aide. It was 24 hours shift work, monitoring and observing teenage girls, reporting back to psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers. I took psychology courses. My main interest was in the physical sciences like physics and mathematics. I was curious about human development. I'd been hired through a screening process. I was told that 500 applicants were submitted and out of the 500 I shortlisted. In much the same way throughout my life, any success didn't quite register. It really didn't occur to me until this year. Yes, this year, in fact this past month, to feel success. I mean to really feel it in my gut that I earned something. Even then I forgot to debrief so I briefly relapsed and went to casino. I digress! I took in gender psychology courses, eliminating self-defeating behavior course and attended a ritual abuse conference. Yet, for some strange reason I didn't want to become a therapist or a social worker, and prior to that even college math instructor. The pressure to date, get engaged, and married, observed under a microscope at church functions where rumors started flying that there was something strange about me; therefore, I was gay, lesbian. The peer pressure to conform, submit, confess lead, I believe me to flight, fright, freeze and fawn. I isolated from my peers. Back in those days, women had no choice but to get married in the Church, have babies, and enter into Heaven once our job is done on this earth. Very little was known about the female sexual response, nor that a woman could chose to not have children, and therefore, eliminate their sexual response to procreate. Keeping in mind that sexual responses for all human beings doesn’t end until we leave this life. Understanding too, that masturbation was not deemed a normal sexual response for either gender.

It was this story, my story, in a college town or in some city where I first started howling at the moon. Its taken my lifetime to become a mature woman who perceives to teach the language of love from that of an indigenous lens. The only desire I had was to please people. This is where infatuation, limerence, fantasy, and delusional behavior fed into how I perceived my own sexuality, my own idiosyncrasy. Stop blaming other people for your problems. “Taking off the doctor hat, what is the best piece of advice on your personal life, on your relationships that you've ever gotten? So, this came from my wife, she went to a seminar when she was young. She grew up with a lot of traumas, and she goes to this seminar while she has cancer. The seminar leader, who happened to be our uncle said, how much responsibility do you want for that? She was offended. Because he's like, it's cancer, it's not my fault. He said, I didn't ask you about blame. He said, responsibility is your ability to respond to this situation. How much responsibility do you want? She said I want 100% responsibility. And I love that so much, because the number one hallmark of self-defeating behavior is blaming other people for the problems in your life. And when you anchor yourself, in personal power. Because when you blame other people for how your life is turning out, you’re a victim and you can't change. And personal power is so important to me. (The Shift Podcast 8-17)” (Throughout this post, I’ll be referring to different life events that taught me something about my own idiosyncrasy that took courage to change my life. Change happens throughout our lives; however, it is the responsibility of being a human being and loving ourselves that we are meant to share.)

It was here that I learned about self-defeating behavior.

“Honestly, I feel ashamed of all the times someone mistreated me. and instead of getting away from them, I danced around trying to make them like me. (Even when the women who were feeling they were in love with Nathan mistreated me for warning them about his behavior towards my step-niece, I tried to please them.) It's embarrassing, and it also makes no sense, it's called fawning. In fact, it's one of the four trauma responses that include fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.  Fawning is when you make yourself small and you act tough, or you try to influence the person you act so nice cause they are mistreating you, and through your sheer goodness, or through being helpful. You know, the selfless helper, you try to almost heal the person who's behaving badly by just taking it from them not showing them that it hurts you. (I thought the only way I could relate to them is to also behave like them and admit that I too was infatuated with Nathan. I thought sharing my feelings with these women, who were mothers, they too could share with their daughters. This obviously did not work out because I didn’t understand how deep the love addiction went for the various mothers.)  Have you done that? It's a common pattern for a traumatized person, but the thing is, it usually progresses to a strong mental vagueness. Where you can't tell it all if it's you who's causing terrible interactions, so you know you that you maybe had trauma in your childhood. (I really did not understand Fawning. I was the eldest daughter and was taught to please my parents by taking care of my younger siblings. I also, tried to please my parents so my mother would not get beaten by my father when he drank.) You learn to fawn to  make your parent happy. You grow up, and then now you are vague you are like, I keep getting into these things where I feel like I'm sort of getting abused. (At nineteen, when I was sexually assaulted, I did not want to make a formal compliant. Despite tribal police and my parents wanting me to act, I felt it was my fault. I felt ashamed!) I can't tell if it's my fault, or is it just me, and am I too picky? Am I the difficult person? Am I a doormat? Either way you don't feel good about yourself, and for that matter, the fawning energy doesn't make people like you, as you know it's a people pleasing but they're not pleased. (Childhood Fairy 9-5)” (This fawning behavior is also a pattern of learned helplessness that those closest to you like family and friends do not want you to change.)

 

Usually we talk about “crap fitting,” that's when you fit yourself to unacceptable people in situations, and most commonly people with CPTSD, do it in romance. There's some mentality there, that if everything just feels terrible, and weird. It must be us, or we better take what we can get because that is all there is going to be. There is this kind of strange almost metaphysical aspect of what you're talking about. Fawning is actually a very negative energy. It's a negative interaction! (When I was eighteen I became promiscuous and lasted until I was twenty-seven years old. It was at this age that I took fawning into the romance stage as it was a very negative energy, I felt I was carrying. I met a deserter from the Vietnam War. I know I fawned him, however, I walked away from him before he hated me.)  it doesn't feel good to be fawned. People don't end up liking you because your people pleasing them. You know you are pleasing them, and so when somebody fawns, from time to time I fawn, and from time-to-time people have fawned on me. (The irony of fawning I that I hated being fawned too. Being promiscuous meant I met men who fawned, and I thought I would sooner find a partner who loved me rather than fawning me. As a result, I chose celibacy.)  I really have very little tolerance for fawning, it is so uncomfortable for me. Because somebody is like dancing around, there trying to make me happy. They are interrupting everything I say. They're literally not listening. They are just so trying to anticipate what I need is going to be and what it and what I am going to say. It's so uncomfortable for me. I end up frustrated and I end up shutting down and pulling away. (For me, pulling away helped me heal from the sexual assault I experienced. It took me decades to report to the RCMP and twenty-seven years ago the last living rapist was found guilty. Sadly, he lives within my community, and still tries to stalk me. I’ve since found my voice, and he knows I will not tolerate his behavior.) For the fawnder, if you're sensing irritated energy, that's all I'm going to give you, is that is it partly you. There's one way that is possibly partly you, that we bring to it, but most of all, it's that we are in a fake idea that if we can just dance around and ignore, being a martyr. Be a really, really, successful martyr like a star level martyr, where we could just take it. (Childhood Fairy 9-5) (You see, for years I thought I was this martyr because I allowed these two serial rapists their freedom. After the RCMP reported to the judge that I was their twelfth or thirteenth victim, and their youngest victim reported during their investigation that took six years. I realized, only through therapy and my own education in psychology that I could have turned into a predator myself. This fawning, this irritating negative energy can convert a victim into a perpetrator. It is why it is so very important to understand that healing at any age or any level will make you the victim wonder why I did not do this healing journey earlier.)

When I first made my application for Indian Residential School benefits, I was told my lawyer that I was a high functioning survivor. Throughout my life I have had non-indigenous people fit into my life, not realizing I was putting them into a racially bias type, that of ‘my white savior.’ It’s a very fundamental way of creating a delusion of some sorts. Over this past year, I have self-reflected. I have gone through some very stressful situations. However, it is my life, here on Tsuutina that I have found healing and peaceful. My reality is of having a white savior is that they provide and create for me a place where I am their hero. This all seems all nice like a childhood fairy tale; however, it is a childhood trauma response morphing from childhood into adulthood and into old age. It is a result of childhood trauma or call it of being raised in an environment where indigenous girls and indigenous women are not considered equal. Some indigenous people seek this hero status by going into politics and becoming a leader within our communities. Others like me, will never be seen as a hero within our own communities because of systemic colonial ideologies about how women should be treated. It is a reason why living next to a city of a million people helps networking outside the norms of First Nation existence. (For those socialized, most called these places RESERVATIONS AND NOT RESERVES. It irritates the hell out of me when I hear my own people say ‘reservation’ when we live in a colonial construct called Reserves, not USAs’ Reservation. Maybe, it cause I’ve lived in the USA.) Nevertheless, I volunteered throughout my life, both on Reserve and off in the city. As I have said, most observe me and feel its their duty to tell me that I am high functioning. Maybe this is what an educated indigenous woman feels, appear, speaks or looks like. It irritates me too. So, if I am constantly trying to not stick out, then it leads me to think what else have I cut myself short of experiencing. For example, this past year I experienced a very stressful period. It was all volunteer work as a board member for a non-profit performance artists organization. My friends helped me reorganize this organization that was at the verge of total collapse. It was so terrible that I had my friend constantly say to me, “don’t have a stroke or a heart attack over this organization, it’s small.” I can not totally explain the stress of working with an unhealthy non-profit board, but it’s the reality of most artist run boards. This stress was so great that a year later after disclosing to the board about my blog. Letting them know the individual I wrote about all these years was finally arrested, that I was receiving attention. A board member asked me not to pursue updating this blog site as she said it would be too stressful and that I needed to ask myself if it was worth it. She referred to the stress I experience with our board and that these next few months would be stressful. I listened. I cancelled something so I could regroup and digest what this blog meant to me and especially those who would seek me out. I thought how my life would change once people knew what I did these past decades. It was a very real-life change thing I am doing making myself public. It is why within this blog I am using video to convey my message or my story of what made me continue to educate people about what it is like for me to live within a First Nations community in CANADA, not USA. This blog also reveals a lot about my healing journey using self-reflective stories. Recently the board praised me. They called me their hero. In front of a group of strangers, I finally without ever wanting such praise found accepting this praise. I earned it. I mean, I accepted this praise. I truly felt like I belonged and earned this status of being this groups’ hero. You may say what does this have to do with the white savior mentality. Well, isn’t it a savior we believe will someday grant us access into heaven or someday elevates us? Whether we want to admit it, we all look for approval and validation. It’s this fine line between love addiction and love, this fine line between fantasy and delusion or illusion, we seek. My life has not focused on Nathan Chasing Horse everyday for these past seventeen years. My life is being a knowledge keeper, an elder, an indigenous woman who encourages other women to develop their voices. I hope and continue to hope that my story, my life, helps people understand healing is not a quick one day, not one week, not one month, not one academic course, not one degree, not one visit to a therapist, not having a white savior friend, not enabling enemies.

MC.PHD says, “A trauma response is a sign of strength. It is not a sign of weakness. It is not a sign that you are broken. So, this narrative that were getting fed that we're broken is scientifically false. We need to redefine trauma, so that's why I wrote this book.” “Unbroken” (It’s reading a book with a group of people and this author, because its her approach to healing. ‘Healing is better when we do ti together.’) She says, it is a “Mix of client stories, neurobiology, psychology, and my own story. Hoping is that you recognize yourself in it and your loved ones. You can strip away some of the shame that has been spoon fed to you by society that wants to keep you sick and heal. (@MC.PHD 8-25) (Much of what I have tried to define with other indigenous women is that trauma response and sexual response go hand in hand. It’s not a sign of weakness and we are not broken. As throughout my years, because I remained single, childless, partnerless, educated, lonely and alone does not mean I am broken. It is a difficult fight to have this narrative replayed repeatedly by traumatized indigenous women. Throughout my educational experience, attending classes with non-indigenous people, I’ve listened also their definition of how they see trauma responses. My blog is a mix of stories, and my story, hoping you recognize yourself in it and recognize those you love in it. As I continue to say or write, it’s this shame I was spoon fed by family, friends, by society that wanted to keep me sick and not wanting to see me heal that lead me to start blogging. A friend some thirty years ago said, the greatest revenge that I could have one those that hurt me was to live my life. She meant to live a happy life, a successful life, and a worthwhile life. As this would hurt those who tried to continue to hurt me because they would not like to see me happy. Lateral violence is not just a one day happening. It’s something. Thirty years ago, reporting a sexual assault that took place twenty-six years earlier, meant fighting against my own shame, my own self-defeating behavior I created. Thinking by suppressing gossip by not associating with certain families, I could live my life. I was completely wrong. Eliminating a self-defeating behavior is peeling an onions’ skin, as one is eliminated, another is discovered and must be eliminated, until finally I reached me core. It is possible. My friend, who died a decade ago, also said, once I started this journey, I would wonder why I did not start this journey earlier. It is one of the many reasons why I started this blog. I would constantly hear indigenous women says, ‘they need to learn the hard way!” I would say, “why?” There are ways in learning from terrible experiences that are not self-defeating.

“Question: Was I ever in love? Was it Limerence? Was it trauma bonding?  ADHD! BPD! CPTSD! Are you infatuated? It could be Limerence as explained by a psychologist in the following: “Have you ever experienced an infatuation for someone that you can't explain? Have you ever struggled to sleep? Have you ever dreamt about someone or imagined a future with them that doesn't exist in reality? (I fell in love with my Vietnam War Deserter. I walked away from him. I invite him into my heart. I realize I would have fawned him to the point he would hate me, but I did not allow this to happen; however, I refuse to see who he was.) Welcome to the world of limerence, seeing it a lot in ADHD. Limerence is this cognitive state where you are obsessed with someone, you think about them, you can't eat, you can't sleep, because they're at the full front of your mind. (He was never someone who I was obsessed about; however, I believe because of his PTSD suffered in Vietnam he was in limerence of me and I was infatuated with him.) Here are the three reasons you experience this intense infatuation; ADHD has lower levels of norepinephrine and dopamine which is the sensation seeking part of your brain. Idealizing someone in your head may meet this need for excitement and mystery. (It seemed like I was exhausted and was looking for some man who was dangerous and exciting. Little did I ever imagine how dangerous he truly was, and I wanted something different It was like two negative energies coming together.) Desire for reciprocity, people who experienced limerence want to be loved and adored in the same way. Usually this comes down to an unmet need in childhood of not feeling good enough, not feeling loved. Other psychological factors such as unmet needs of security safety, love and support can contribute to seeking validation or filling emotional voids through fantasizing about ideal situations that weren't ever met in real life.” (@Steph Georgiou – Psychologist 9-7) (A famous psychologist when he first started treating patients, worked on a hospital ward during the end of WWII. During the three years of counselling soldiers injured both physically and mentally, he developed PTSD by associating with them. It was after WWII that he married and within the first five years of marriage he and his wife had five children back-to-back. His need to feel safe, love and support fill an emotional void. He eventually became famous from his research into PTSD. They say this need to feel approval and validated is more addictive than being addicted to alcohol and drug abuse.)

“Are you really chill and go with the flow in relationships? Is your easy-going vibe a result of a childhood where your voice was constantly silenced, so you learn to stop advocating for your own needs, because if was annoying pointless and instead you focused on placating those around you. (I learned this from watching my older brother defend our mother after our father beat her. My brother and mother would be beaten. I saw what happened if I were to protest my father’s behavior. I used to wonder why my late mother stayed with our father. I did not understand this love addiction they carried for each other. My late mother said she was never taught anything about sex education. She knew they were both abused in those Indian residential schools. I know they did not mean to teach their children learned helplessness.) Your home life trained you to bury your very legitimate needs, and only rely on yourself and making sure your emotions were perfectly contained, because leaning on others what's synonymous with disappointment, and being told you are way too sensitive. (I could see why victims of sexual assault feel their needs for justice will lead to disappointment. My late mother placated her own needs for those of her children. She told me that she did mean to placate me as she felt she could not stop herself. When really you weren't! (babe), so now when a partner turns to you and says what do you need, you freeze or pull away feeling deeply uneasy, awkward. (I believe this is where I sought out the white savior, like a female therapist, a forensic psychologist who constantly asked me what I needed. Yet, this role meant everything to him as long as I was seen as a not receiving legitimate needs. He, being my white savior, did not realized he was containing my emotions to fit into his own need to be praised or worth praise. I never pulled away from him until these past three years our friendship was becoming strained. He was seeking out more attention from me.) As a result, you gravitate towards relationships where your needs are ignored, because at least that's the DEVIL you know.  (Therapy Jeff 9-11)” (I hired a housekeeper. My white savior showed up not realizing I had company. I thought he would be nice to my housekeeper, however, she felt he was rude to her. She felt that he wanted me total attention, and yes, these past years I did give him my attention. The reality was that once he saw me as being someone else’s hero he wanted to be their hero too. His daughter even commented that I was a successful with this blog. Since refusing to include him in my blog or any other podcasts or interviews related to Nathan Chasing Horse, he has left me alone. It is my fault that I kept him as my white savior, but he enables me to participate in his fantasy. Including him in my blog would have pushed me into enabling him into some sort of delusion he wanted or wished.)

Childhood Fairy says, “We must have the self-discipline to go slowly. I did not want to keep having dramatic sad relationships that left me high, and dry and lonely, and worse. I am very depressed. I wanted to have something new. This was the foundation of what I had to change. I had to become emotionally available by slowing down, by bit rushing in, by not hooking into a fantasy idea of what a relationship was, or what somebody I was getting to know. You know like we can really project on somebody we've just met. We can project a whole future with them, but that you know in strictest sense that's objectifying them. What we really ought to be doing early in dating is just listening, just getting to know them, getting to know them. So sometimes, I talk to people about a throne, imagine you have a throne, you sit on your throne, somebody would like to date you. You say, ‘well you may approach’ in your mind. You don't get really treat people like this, but you let them come up, and tell you what it is their intentions are. You let them show you how they feel, and you sort of hang back and observe. Now that's not something a lot of people with attachment wounds do naturally, but you can teach yourself to do it. Observe, let information come to you, let it come to you. Don't go out chasing it! Don't try to get answers! Let information come to you, and it will make you impatient. It will make you anxious, but that is a small price to pay. Avoiding the total, you know, destruction of a potentially good relationship, or the loss of years of your life by getting stuck in a bad one.” (@Childhood Fairy 9-4)

Jaded Motivation says, “A lot of times, and this is one time, I have to say, this happens a lot with men. A lot more than maybe women realize. But again, it happens both ways. Where the desire to have this person is so strong. We can argue that it's infatuation. Maybe its love mixed with obsession, infatuation, of other issues. Whatever the case is, you try so hard that you end up sacrificing who you are. You end up sacrificing your standards. You end up not being yourself. You end up trying to accommodate them, and ignoring the fact that they don't do the same for you. You pour so hard and so much into them, but what the hell are they doing for you?” (Jaded Motivation 7-26) (Nathan Chasing Horse played the martyr. At first glance, I felt he fathered many children like so many men within my community, that I thought this was typical behavior; however, he played the martyr to perfection. He was good at convincing people that he was being persecuted, misunderstood, for practicing what non-indigenous people called ‘witchcraft.’ This desire to be a medicine man was so strong. He appeared to be sacrificing the standards of white supremacy he was raised in. These belief systems, systemic racism, he understood was a big part of cultural genocide taught in those Indian Residential Schools. He played the martyr by not being who they, non-indigenous people wanted him to be, and that ended up not being who he truly was, a medicine man. He knew how to preform or seek out attention. His desire to be accepted as a medicine man was his obsession. The false narrative he played was that the love he gave, he accommodates was not being returned. Its also his undying pursuit of holding ceremonies through sacrifice. His sacrifice he gave by holding ceremonies, ritual around Sundance. This was his sacrifice. Is so called obsession for his peoples’ love. His travelling from place to place with his followers through the generosity of others was his issue. It appeared that it was this love he had for his people, his indigenous people, proclaimed to love through sacrifice. Its these issues he accommodated was so great that he was perceived to not have time to settle down to raise his own children. By the time I started work with him, he had fathered ten children, none whom he raised. This deep love to accommodate his people that had lost so much was a false narrative he created. A need, an obsession, an infatuation with ceremonies that he felt he could teach, as well as being meant to fulfil. But he needed help, donations because communities were not doing the same for him as he gave them. He claimed that he poured so much money, his time into these communities, voluntarily that who the hell was doing anything for him. Why? Because those who did not love this way of life, this spiritual way of life, a life of the teachings of ‘White Buffalo Calf Woman’s ritual and ceremonies, were lost. This was not true. For those followers who never had relatives who practiced these ways of life, of thinking, of reclaiming or searching for what was lost, had their language and their First Nations communities. Nathan was not their martyr. And, for those relatives who practiced before Nathan was born, knew what they sacrificed. Healing journeys for those medicine people, those spiritual people, was great and honorable that what Nathan did and continues to believe is exactly what was predicted. ‘There would come a time when we will forget what it is to be a human being.’ Nathan Chasing Horse is a monster who played on the heart strings of those who continue to be lost.)

 The Living Relations says, “When you experience a strong attraction for someone, 90% of that has nothing to do with who that person is. It's all about your thoughts, your hopes, and your dreams being projected onto this person. What's making you so excited is the idea that this person could be the person who makes all that come true. Now, this is a very normal thing, nothing wrong with it, we all do it. The most important thing is that when you feel that. You don't mistake it to mean that this is the person for you. You recognize that it's your excitement. It's exciting! it's the possibility of love. That it is something worth being excited about. But you still have to take the time to find out who this person is for yourself. So don't mistake your feelings. Meaning they're the one for you. Have your feelings and find out who they are for real.” (@The living Relationship 8-29)

 

Jay Shetty says, “If you're scared of being alone and single and you're going into that relationship because of that fear. Research shows three things happen. The first thing is you're guaranteed to settle for less than you deserve. Guaranteed! (When I first moved back home from the USA, I went out night clubbing. I found women were coming up to me. We talked. Normally, I had an older friend, thirteen years older than me who I normally felt safe to night club with, at least she had my back, and I could rely on her to keep me safe from my session of ‘howling at the moon,’ with stranger. I had also by this stage in my life chosen a celibacy lifestyle, so I had no fears. The problem is that the women who came up to talk to me didn’t realize their husband later would come up to me to tell me to leave their wives alone. I found this strange until I realized these women came from very violent homes where their husband were very abusive. I believe they felt I was encouraging their wives to leave them. So, yes, these women settled for less than they deserved.)

 The second thing is you're more likely to be dependent on that person because you think they are out of your league. So now you will become, do, mold, fold, become anything they want you to be. (This status thing about being a trophy wife or trophy husband seems to continue and will continue well after I am six feet underground. I saw this in the many women my late mother’s age. I believe it must come from the teaching of those priests, fathers, nun, and saintly women who ran those Indian Residential School. Boy were taught that their future wife was meant to be control and to obey their wishes. A woman’s place was to barefoot and pregnant reaping the rewards of being fruitful and multiplying their new religious believes. The Indian Act created this dogma.)

The third is you're going to be scared to leave them because being with them in your mind is better than being alone. (From a Malcolm X speech “…He loved his master. I say he loved his master better than the master loved himself. If the Master said we got a nice house, he said. Yeah, boss, we got a nice house here. Masters’ house caught on fire. The house slave would be the one who run to put the blaze out if the master got sick, he said. ‘Master, we sick. You see, this is the thinking of the house slave. Now another slave came up to him and said let's run away, let's separate, let's get away from this cruel master. He said why was better than what we got here right away. I'm not going anywhere.’(b9560gyn 9-15) For me, you must understand a woman has two choices in this life; to have babies or to not have babies. Today, young women will choice to be a single mother without a husband rather than live with an abusive controlling man. To this day, a wife can dress pretty good, she pretty good with the master left if she provides children for him. The abuse is better than being alone. A cousin of mine’s daughter is in an abusive relationship, as she goes to the rescue of her daughter the abusive husband yells out, ‘do you want to be like your mother and not have a man?’  (@Jay Shetty 7-27)

 

Question: Do you think it will have to be patriarchy or matriarchy? Is an egalitarian existence possible?  Hope_peddler says, “Okay, I’m getting this comment so many times that I thought I would just go ahead and make a video to it. A matriarch is egalitarian. A matriarchy is not the inverse of patriarchy. Leadership and patriarchy is synonymous with power hoarding. The people in the leadership positions are hoarding power to use for their own benefit, and the benefit of other people in their group to the exclusion of other groups. (Especially in First Nations’ communities where there is a shortage of housing, and good infrastructure. A decade ago, within my community, as a single woman there was a by-law created in the seventies that stated a single women could not be granted a home until she reached the age of fifty-five. The home I have is my late mother’s home. I lived away from my community for about two decades, got myself educated too. Yet, if I had not reached the age I am now, I would not be granted any place to live. A have two sisters who also lived away with each paying mortgages and also getting an education. When women get into powerful leadership role they give their children benefits, they hoard power over the rest of their extended families.)This assumption that the person in power is going to use that power to benefit themselves, that is not a default setting of leadership though. We just think that it is because we are in a culture of white supremacy, which has power according as one of its tenants, and because we were in a patriarchy, but that is not a default setting of leadership. There is such thing as leadership for the collective. Leadership by the collective, leadership by consensus, and in this scenario, the leader is not voicing on their views on other people. The leader is not controlling the behavior, or resources that other people get. The leader is just facilitating the conversations that help the group come to a consensus about what they want. (I grew up seeing my Dakota grandmothers come together and work together for the benefit of their grandchildren. I this here too within my community, somewhat but not as collectively as I did with the Dakota community. I believe it was because the Dakota people were never Treaty People under the Indian Act, and were considered exiles from the USA.) I mean think about it. If you put women in charge, who are they going to prioritize? They're going to prioritize the needs of the children, and the children come in all genders, and they come in all ethnicities. Right now, the people who have been socialized as men have been socialized to think about themselves, to see everything as sort of a zero-sum game. In other words, if I give to you, that necessarily takes from me. And if I want something, I have to take it from you Whereas the people socialized as women right now, have been socialized to consider the needs of the group. They've also been socialized to have higher emotional intelligence, so they're less likely to lead in a reactive way, in a way that that prioritizes their own ego. Generalizing here, but socialization is a powerful thing. And I don't know that many women who don't think of the needs of the entire group, of the entire family when they're making decisions. (These decision I saw were made by the grandmothers within the Dakota community. We gathered berries, harvested corn, cooked for the entire family. As my late grandmother, she woke up early each morning, frying bread and frying eggs and bacon, brewing up coffee for the entire family of four groups.) And I don't know many men that do think about the needs of the entire group when they're making decisions, as opposed to prioritizing their own needs. Matriarchal leadership is not the inverse of patriarchy. It is not a bunch of women hoarding power to use for the benefit of women to the exclusion of men. Is a collaborative leadership of consensus that just has women facilitating that consensus. They are leading the discussions; they are setting the priorities. They are making sure that everybody gets time to have to be heard. They aren't using their leadership position to decide for everybody and then enforce their decision on everybody. Now, it might be the case that if we do switch to this egalitarian way of living led by women, that we would then socialize our children differently. So, it might be the case that the first couple generations of this egalitarian society has to be a matriarchy because women are the best people. The people socialize these women are the best people to step into the leadership of an egalitarian society. (If I did not think my voice would never be heard by other indigenous women, I would not have started this blog. I knew that by writing about what I experience with Nathan Chasing Horse, I could somehow prevent others from being hurt by this monster. As the years went by I started making acquaintance with many women who were trying to rebuild their lives after being shattered by this man’s sexual assault. I could tell if someone was just curious about his blog and I could tell if the individual was serious. It was in the way they told their stories. Those who were serious were branching out helping others with their stories as well. These women would talk about how they were creating support groups for their healing journey. I knew they were serious and I kept in touch with them.) But it might be the case that when we stop socializing kids by gender, that in two, three, four generations, it doesn't even need to be a matriarchy anymore. Because everybody is adequately socialized for leadership. Everybody is taught emotional intelligence. Everybody is taught how to regulate their nervous system. Everybody is taught to think of the needs of the groups, but for right now, the people in the best position to do that are not only just women, but they're probably black and indigenous women. Because even white women have been socialized to dehumanize certain groups of people without even realizing it. Probably needs to start out as a melanated matriarchy, and then we will hopefully be lead into a future that socializes everybody outside the confines white supremacy culture and patriarchy. (As indigenous women, I believe we know we needed other women. Thirty-three years ago I started a support group within my home. I encouraged other women to do the same. I also volunteered for the Native Women’ Shelter in Calgary as a Board member. My own personal struggles helped me to understand the scope of how deeply entrenched inter-generational trauma persists generation after generation.)(@hope_peddler 8-22)

 

MEAN GIRLS WHITE ADJACENCY  YK says, “. OK, A bunch of people turn me on this tweet to respond, it's it's so horrific and disgusting. So, this person Diana is tweeting in response to news at San Francisco is planning on providing black folks preparations. Her tweet is horrific. It says no black San Francisco. So the rest of us reparations for all the crime, they're not all criminals. Well, we're not all responsible for redlining their poor educational outcomes. Low income, high incarceration, whatever else there demanding payment for. It's disgusting. It's horrible. (I’ve heard this a decade ago when the survivors of Indian Residential Schools were telling their stories. Many people were saying these stories were not true and why reconcile their abuse from these government run organizations. Is it any wonder why indigenous people hesitant to speak to anyone connected to the government, including investigative reporters.)  Diane is also apparently the founder and director of a foundation that works against affirmative action. OK, I've said this in so many different ways, so many different times. So let me try a different approach this time. There's a coming of age trope in literature and movies and shows where the protagonist girl wants. To be apart of the popular girls who also of course are Mean Girls. So in order to try to become a part of them she starts mimicking them. An in the process she portrays her actual best friends. In my view, original true friends were the ones where the actual rock stars, their creative super smart support you lift. You want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Where is the popular Mean Girls are just a caricature of themselves. And of course the popular Mean Girls don't ever actually accept her, they just pretend to and continue to mock her behind her back. So, the joke was and always is on that protagonist girl. She will never be apart of that group, ever. She eventually realizes that those popular Mean Girls are a farce, their miserable, and that they. (I truly felt this way, when I live in the State of Utah, amongst Mormon girls and women. It was especially noticeable amongst the indigenous church going congregation. They pretended that they were concerned about my soul’s eternal happiness when really, they just did like me, maybe because I reminded them of themselves, or their poor parents who had given them up into the Mormon Foster Care system. This mentality was just he is beginning of this need for ‘the dome,’ ‘white proximity’ or ‘white adjacency’ mentality that the other is better than the original culture. You see, Nathan Chasing Horse hid his desire for this ‘Indigenous man like him seeking white adjacency has being anti blackness.’ Nathan knew is abuse of power and privilege worked when tearing apart groups like white supremacy did. It was dangling a myth about indigenous spirituality could be reached by his followers if they obeyed him. He saw how our own indigenous people turned against each other and he used this same tenet to drive a wedge between families. Torment everyone to be in that position of power when it comes to the movies. The protagonist eventually begins to understand herself how abuse of power and privilege work and realizes finally that the friend she had before in fact were her true friends all along. So let's think about real life now. Asians, particularly East Asians who try to be adjacent with witness, will never be apart of the very group. With which they are trying to align. It is an endless illusion where everyone else knows the reality except for the Asians who are seeking white proximity. White supremacy always uses them to make itself more powerful by dangling A myth for them to reach foreign simultaneously, it will knock them eventually also sacrificing them soon enough. We witnessed it during the 60s and 70s. When it was manufactured and marketed to drive a wedge between Asians who are supporting the black power movement. We witnessed it during the Sinophobia of Covid escalating a political war. We witnessed this with conservative far right whites who used Asians of the wed to takedown affirmative action. We've witnessed it over and over and over again. And guess what? All it does is pop up and feed white supremacy, unlike the movies were things usually sort out and smooth out. Very present in real impact of Asians seeking white adjacency is anti blackness which has real life and death impacts that reverberates through healthcare, education, housing, the climate, everything and more. (I briefly touch on this in another post where I found myself ghosting two professional people, one an acquaintance and the other my therapist. I didn’t realize that I was like Nathan when he aligned himself with wealth white privileged people to belong. I really believe Nathan believes he is red power movement. They reality is he is no different than me. It took this blog, the attention of many non-indigenous people to see me, to feed my love addiction of approval and validation that I was worthily of love to step back. Step back and reconnect with those I grew up with within my community, both in the city and here, Tsuutina. You see love addiction is not wanting the physicality of intercourse, rather its emotional. I’ve discussed this in other posts regarding limerence and intergenerational trauma responses.)This lie the bait to align with whiteness is very well funded and white supremacy uses it to sustain itself. Here's the thing, aligning with whiteness means individualism that directly causes the oppression of more people. Including your own? How about instead of that we work to align with everyones liberation? Let's tap into our cultures of interdependence that white supremacy has been trying so hard to take away from us and deprogrammers from Let's reclaim back community. Let's uplift everyones liberation. Liberation by definition has enough room for everyone. And to get there, we do need reparations for black people. We need land back under stewardship of indigenous folks. And it means understanding that we cannot allow ourselves to be divided and used as a wedge. I believe in us. I believe in us. Let's do the work you all. (@YK 9-24) (This is what I am doing in writing this blog, is reclaiming my community. The young women in their thirties who were all attending Nathan’s ceremonies and their moms, and families are closer because of this reclaiming community. This is what I hope comes out of my interviews with non-indigenous peoples. Whether we as indigenous people fully understand how far we come in our own individual healing journeys, we are much better people for not allow those who oppress us into other spaces.